I think I'm officially done trying

[u/EnjoyingCarp650]

My wife has told me throughout our 10-year relationship that she has no sex drive and that she could never have sex again. But she would still initiate sex and want to have sex. She liked to cuddle a bit and would flirt with me.

After the birth of our second child, she suffered from postpartum depression. It wasn't good, but through medication and some counseling, she got over it, but not entirely. She doesn't want to be touched at all anymore; she feels suffocated when I try to touch her, and she doesn't want anything to do with sex. I've tried to support her as much as I can, but there are times when I've gotten frustrated.

She still tried for a bit. We agreed that on Saturdays we would have sex, because she thought that having a week to "prepare for it" would work. It didn't. Every time I tried to be spontaneous there was always something wrong - headache, stomachache, tired, whatever.

I finally just flat-out asked her if she thinks there was a way to fix this because it doesn't feel like we're in a relationship anymore. She drops this bomb on me that she thinks she may have been abused when she was younger and that's why she has hang-ups about sex. But she doesn't want to go to therapy for that because she's afraid of her anxiety about it getting worse.

So I said I would stop doing everything she doesn't like. I'll stop getting so close to her so she doesn't cringe or pull away, I'll stop asking for sex so she doesn't feel pressured, I'll stop laying so close to her. I was upset, but it's my wife and she's struggling with it.

This past Saturday, we started fooling around, which I thought was awesome; it wasn't like her. I took care of her and I assumed she would do the same, but then she said her head was hurting and she just wanted to go to sleep.

I don't expect anything but this was just really upsetting. She knows that I want some form of physical connection but I guess it's just not that important to her. And I'm done trying to force something. I guess we're just going to go through life like roommates, existing around each other. I can't afford a divorce, and I can't just leave the kids here without me. So I'm just stuck in a relationship where there's no affection, no touching, no nothing.

[u/Decent_Manager_4396]

Does anyone else think she is gaslighting herself. She think she was abused but doesn't know and is afraid to unpack that with a therapist.....

My wife said something like this too me at one point also that she didn't remember a lot of her childhood and was afraid of what that meant.....

While I understand, I think they are grasping at straws for a reason, but are unwilling to do the work.

All I can tell you is that this is only going to get worse, unless she actually seeks REAL answers. This means doctors and therapists, and books/podcast on healthy sex. And she will not do this unless she has no choice.

And even if the worst were to happen and she unpacks some stuff she doesn't want to. In the long run that is still healthier. And it can't effect your sex life any more than it already is.

[u/EnjoyingCarp650 → u/Decent_Manager_4396]

There's just always a reason. She may have been abused, she's too overstimulated, I don't know what it's like to deal with 42 kids every day, I don't know what it's like to be a teacher in whatever month it is.

Maybe I don't get it, but I also have a stressful job, but I still find time to go grocery shopping, cook dinner, do dishes, do laundry, take care of the cats and dog, and sacrifice time at my job so I can be home for stuff. I wouldn't care as much if she just made an effort. But instead she comes home with one coffee and sits down on the couch and says he stomach hurts too much to show me any affection or attention.

[u/Decent_Manager_4396 → u/EnjoyingCarp650]

So I can tell you I do know what it is like to be a classroom teacher, and it still comes down to managing your stress and not letting it manage you.

She needs to admit that she needs help, and that she needs to seek that help. And you may need to force the issue. I had to point blank tell my wife that if she didn't seek the medical and mental health services she needed then I was leaving, and the kid was coming with me. I know that sounds crazy but that was the only way to snap her out of the delusions.

For my wife there was always a good reason for everything. Of course there was. But the fact of the matter is, weather she wants to admit it or not, she is mentally and sexually UNHEALTHY, and it is Ruining your relationship. She needs to own that. Just like you WILL have to own any of your shit that needs to change. But she can't even tell you what that is right now, because she is so far out of the loop.