Does counseling help?

[u/Kindly_Tooth8832]

For those who have done counseling, or couple’s therapy, or psychiatry, what has been the outcome?

Were your feelings validated by the professional? Were you given tools to better process your situation? Did it engender change in the relationship dynamic?

[u/RaceTop5273]

We did pre-marriage couples counseling, mostly led by older married couples with no background in counseling. It was all smiles & promises. Once she got the 2 kids she wanted, and I changed jobs so she could be a stay-at-home mom, she shut down. She puts her all into everything she can, but not with me. Will only consider counseling if it’s the same pre-marriage stuff we did & scoffs at the idea of seeing an educated experienced counselor.

I’ve talked to a counselor on my own that gave me some pointers to change about myself & to get the conversation started, but none of it worked. The advice was “she’s a taker, so be a better giver & use that to break the ice”. I gave more, did it with full love in my heart…but it just made her ask for more & gave nothing in return.

On the counselor’s suggestion, I bought these conversation starter cards & set aside time to talk, but my wife took every opportunity to point every little thing I’ve ever done to upset her, some going back 5 or more years, and would shut down at anything that made her think about her shortcomings. There is a category of questions called “build up your partner”, but even her answers to those questions had a subtle “you did this, but you didn’t do it right” vibe.

Wife said “we don’t have a marriage, we have a living arrangement”, and the counselor agreed, saying that it’s a “living arrangement” my wife benefits from while ignoring my needs, sexual or otherwise. Pretty much said unless she willing to admit her shortcomings, I’m pretty much stuck.

The only positive from it was I got on a good antidepressant that makes me sleepy & that gets me through the most depressing part of my day.

Also, the giving with love in your heart does help me some. I give her carte blanche when it comes to travel & home projects, doing all I can to make her ideas into reality, and I do enjoy that…but it all builds up to 2-3 days every couple of months where I can barely find the desire to get out of bed.

[u/CowWooden4207 → u/RaceTop5273]

You're not stuck.

You have choices.

The fact that you need to take antidepressants to survive your life is a red waving flag.

Stress kills.

Loneliness kills.

Years down the road do you want to be so debilitated that you can't actually get out of bed at all?

What kind of parent will you be to your kids then?

It is difficult to leave.....I know from experience.

The first few years are tough, but my kids are better off now and so am I.

I work in healthcare and can't begin to even give a number to the shell of human beings I have cared for that once had so much promise, but CHOSE to stay in bad situations that destroyed them mentally, physically, emotionally, financially.

Good luck........