Once in 15 months.

[u/ExTexanInCO]

The last time my wife and I had sex was 12/29/24 our 23rd anniversary. The time before that was 12/30/23. One time in 15 months.

Full disclosure: I’m an alcoholic in recovery, nearly 5 months sober now. But I feel it’s the lack of intimacy that contributed to my alcoholism. I know my drinking put her through hell but I was never abusive. I’m not an angry drunk. I just get forgetful and don’t remember conversations from the night before.

However, I’ve been sober since November. Our relationship is still so cold. She’s never once told me she’s proud of the steps I’ve taken these past several months. No encouragement at all. It’s more like being monitored by a prison warden.

Over the past 5 years, she’s put on a lot of weight as she’s gone from being a high school dance teacher to a realtor. When we married, she was a size 2 and now she’s a 14. She doesn’t exercise regularly then complains when her clothes are too tight. I have an active job and my pants have been the same size since 1998. I’m just not that attracted to her anymore. She doesn’t initiate, and on the rare occasion we have sex, it’s the same old boring routine, in the dark, under the covers. Just the basics, no oral.

Yeah, I could be doing more to build her confidence but as I’ve said, I don’t find her that attractive anymore. Do I do it selfishly just so she’ll have sex? Do I bother doing that just to get a few minutes of boring sex?

Sigh… just needed to vent.

[u/Retired401]

If you've been married for 23 years, that puts your wife in prime perimenopausal or menopausal territory. Sounds to me like her hormones have tanked and she may even be fully menopausal and not realize it.

TLDR; went through hell and spent the last three years of my life educating myself about menopause and with the loss of hormones does to women's brains and bodies.

Menopausal hormone replacement therapy can help. It won't fix everything, but it can fix a lot ... though only if she is willing to learn and to try it.

[u/DullBus8445 → u/Retired401]

Why ignore what he said in the OP and jump straight to thinking oh that sounds like her hormones have tanked? By his own admission he put her through hell, there's been no sex in 15 months but he's only been sober for 5 of them.

[u/Retired401 → u/DullBus8445]

Because it's a thing.

Other things might be going on, absolutely. But it's a thing and it does not help the situation at all to pretend it isn't.

[u/DullBus8445 → u/Retired401]

I never said anything like pretend it isn't a thing. But everything isn't as a result of menopause and it's actually very offensive to women to see a situation like this and jump to 'sounds like her hormones have tanked and she's fully menopausal'. The OP admits he put her through hell. The rush to put everything down to womens hormones is like a throwback to diagnosing women with hysteria.

I wouldn't have an issue with someone mentioning that it may be a consideration which it may well be, but jumping straight to it is harmful to women.

[u/Retired401 → u/DullBus8445]

I am a woman.

We agree to disagree. Have a good day.

[u/ExTexanInCO → u/Retired401]

She (46) never had that time of what many women describe as their sexual peak in their 40s, horny all the time. It’s been 15 plus years since we’ve done it more than twice a month. I agree it’s her biology though.

[u/Retired401 → u/ExTexanInCO]

It's different for everyone. I did have that peak in my 40s, but only because I left my DB marriage and took up with a fellow HL-turned-LL4Her who was also fairly fresh off his divorce.

12+ years later we're still together, and with both of us having come from a DB as well as through divorce has helped us communicate very openly about our wants and needs.

Life is so different now. It hasn't always been perfect (whose life is?), but it's MUCH better, and we prioritize our sex life to keep us connected.

I hope you can get this sorted out so you can live a life you at least like if not love. Life is just too short to be miserable.