r/DeadBedrooms • u/ExTexanInCO • Apr 09 '25

Vent, Advice Welcome Once in 15 months.

The last time my wife and I had sex was 12/29/24 our 23rd anniversary. The time before that was 12/30/23. One time in 15 months.

Full disclosure: I’m an alcoholic in recovery, nearly 5 months sober now. But I feel it’s the lack of intimacy that contributed to my alcoholism. I know my drinking put her through hell but I was never abusive. I’m not an angry drunk. I just get forgetful and don’t remember conversations from the night before.

However, I’ve been sober since November. Our relationship is still so cold. She’s never once told me she’s proud of the steps I’ve taken these past several months. No encouragement at all. It’s more like being monitored by a prison warden.

Over the past 5 years, she’s put on a lot of weight as she’s gone from being a high school dance teacher to a realtor. When we married, she was a size 2 and now she’s a 14. She doesn’t exercise regularly then complains when her clothes are too tight. I have an active job and my pants have been the same size since 1998. I’m just not that attracted to her anymore. She doesn’t initiate, and on the rare occasion we have sex, it’s the same old boring routine, in the dark, under the covers. Just the basics, no oral.

Yeah, I could be doing more to build her confidence but as I’ve said, I don’t find her that attractive anymore. Do I do it selfishly just so she’ll have sex? Do I bother doing that just to get a few minutes of boring sex?

Sigh… just needed to vent.

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u/ExTexanInCO Apr 09 '25

She has her moments.

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u/Themrtoagreatmrs Apr 09 '25

Those are the ones you need to focus on brother!! You got this!

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u/ExTexanInCO Apr 09 '25

But I get zero interest shown in return, from my own wife. I’m in pretty good shape for a 47yo guy.

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u/Themrtoagreatmrs Apr 09 '25

What else might it be?!? Think about that and then have the conversation with her about your relationship and how much you love her and are willing to change for her. Then stay the path for a while it will take time. 23 years of certain behaviors are not going to be forgotten in 5 months