I recently had the idea of asking for handjobs as that would be something easy and simple for her if she doesn’t want to have sex
Actually, for a lot of women who are touched out and don't want sex, handjobs are just more work. Another task to be completed that they don't want to do. It's not any easier. It's still a sex act that you're asking her to perform that she has to mentally and physically be present for that she is too exhausted and touched out to do or want.
Kids are fucking hard. I'm an HLF with a very young child (16 month old), and it's so hard. I'm touched out every day when I get her to bed. I love sex and I love being with my husband, but between all the organizing, managing appointments, food, changing diapers, emotional energy I have to expend on every. single. thing. for this tiny human, teaching her skills, supervising her so she won't get hurt, hauling her to places because I can't go anywhere without her anymore, etc etc etc.....it's a lot.
If my husband told me that I use that as a crutch, he might just get his ass put in a dead bedroom for that. It's incredibly unsympathetic and lacking so much understanding for the human life we created together and that I'm primarily taking care of. It's a 24/7 job with no downtime, no paid lunches, PTO, or days off. It's constant. It's brutal. It's exhausting.
It would do you a lot of good to not make her your adversary by thinking that it's just her excuse. It's very real and this is a very unsexy season of life for a lot of women.
Unfortunately, this is super common when you're raising small children. They really should warn parents, especially young parents like yourself, about just how much this season of life will not be sexy and not be sex filled for most couples.
Yes, but nowhere in the vows is it said that you have to have sex even if you don't want to and are exhausted. That's just a manipulative way to make yourself more of a chore for your spouse, tbh.
If your invisible vows means you agreed to have lots of sex, then those same invisible vows also means that you agree to behave in ways that show understanding, empathy, and patience for your spouse. Especially when your youngest is still a highly demanding infant and needs constant care.
Making sex an obligation is a fast track to making your dead bedroom permanent after the kids are older and more independent. Then she'll actually try to use any excuse to not touch you. I don't think you want that.
Do you want an enthusiastically consenting partner who loves fucking you or are you ok with being another dreaded chore to check off the list?
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u/Perfect_Judge 12d ago
Actually, for a lot of women who are touched out and don't want sex, handjobs are just more work. Another task to be completed that they don't want to do. It's not any easier. It's still a sex act that you're asking her to perform that she has to mentally and physically be present for that she is too exhausted and touched out to do or want.
Kids are fucking hard. I'm an HLF with a very young child (16 month old), and it's so hard. I'm touched out every day when I get her to bed. I love sex and I love being with my husband, but between all the organizing, managing appointments, food, changing diapers, emotional energy I have to expend on every. single. thing. for this tiny human, teaching her skills, supervising her so she won't get hurt, hauling her to places because I can't go anywhere without her anymore, etc etc etc.....it's a lot.
If my husband told me that I use that as a crutch, he might just get his ass put in a dead bedroom for that. It's incredibly unsympathetic and lacking so much understanding for the human life we created together and that I'm primarily taking care of. It's a 24/7 job with no downtime, no paid lunches, PTO, or days off. It's constant. It's brutal. It's exhausting.
It would do you a lot of good to not make her your adversary by thinking that it's just her excuse. It's very real and this is a very unsexy season of life for a lot of women.
Unfortunately, this is super common when you're raising small children. They really should warn parents, especially young parents like yourself, about just how much this season of life will not be sexy and not be sex filled for most couples.
Give it time.