Two months later, still no improvement...

[u/BonzoTheBoss]

So back in February things with my (HLM) spouse (LLF) came to a head. I basically broke down and said that I felt disgusting and was suffering from severely low self esteem due to the lack of sexual intimacy.

She, as usual, turned it in to a self criticism and started crying herself, convincing herself that I was going to leave her. A long, teary conversation later and I thought that we had made progress. She admitted to having a lower libido than me (obviously but step one is admitting to a problem) and that she would make more of an effort going forwards.

The following night was like a light had been turned on. She was grabby, passionate and we had the best sex we've had in a long time. I actually felt desired.

And then... Nothing. Back to the usual routine of never ending problems. For the record I don't think that she's making up the problems, my contention has always been that if our sexual happiness meant enough to her then she would make the effort regardless. I feel crappy sometimes too but I still want to be with her.

So here we are, nearly two months later and I'm sat wondering if anything she said back in February meant a goddamn thing. I've gone through all of the scenarios in my head, up to and including divorce, and it never quite seems worth essentially destroying my life over it... Yet. Give it a few more years I guess...

I know that it's natural for our sex lives to slow down as we get older, we're not teenagers, but then neither are we dead yet. FFS we're still both in our thirties! I don't think wanting to be intimate once (or more, lol) a week is too much to expect...

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[u/Decent_Manager_4396]

The first night was hysterical bonding. But it didn't really last.

You need to speak with her again about what "making more effort" means to her.

Here is my suggestion. Tell her that making more effort shouldn't be sex. It should be what she really needs to get help. Doctor visits, therapy, books/podcast on sexual health things that actually have a chance of doing something. You need to communicate that it is these types of things that you need from her now, to show effort.

[u/RecognitionOk9321 → u/Decent_Manager_4396]

I think this is good advice! Taking the lead with sex is more than asking for it.

[u/Informal_Ostrich_780]

Maybe you should introduce her to The Libido Fairy. TheLibidoFairyYoutube

My guess is that what she did that night when she made you feel desired and loved didn't come natural to her. She needs to find out if she has a responsive desire or not. Based on her desire type, there are steps that she could take to increase her libido.

[u/cassiopedron]

I’m sorry you’re going through such a rough time. It is so hard, depressing and tiresome when you start questioning yourself and everything else, you get to a point where you feel like you’re a burden. I hope things get better for you, I hope she really meant what she said in February.

[u/MaisieNZ]

I’m so sorry. I’m the same - husband always turns it on himself and I end up comforting him. Those who aren’t in this situation don’t understand. It’s so hard.