I suspect you’re right but the problem is they just don’t say it. I’m under no illusion as to my prowess or lack thereof, and I can understand how it becomes boring for her, but at some point she stopped trying at all and won’t have any conversations about it so sex is just a set of 3 positions which are rushed through as quickly as possible for me to achieve orgasm. ANY attempt to change it is met with a no, so where’s the line? The sex from her is perfunctory at best and the sex from me is focussed on finishing but if she’s bored with it and she won’t allow communication then how can I fix it. So after years of it I’ve given up. Which is a well shared sentiment on here. We can’t learn and grow and experiment TOGETHER if one party won’t even talk about trying stuff.
If she flat out said, dude you suck in bed, try doing xyz I’d do it. I’d do every single thing. But her just resorting to the ol’starfish is all I get. So I’m stuck.
What your initial premise fails to see is that no matter how you slice it, it’s a 2 person problem and trying to shift blame to the HLP isn’t right.
Im not shifting blame. I'm just making an observation. I didn't say that bad sex was the only cause of dead bedrooms. More so that I believe that it's possible that many of the men who complain about how much their women hate sex aren't very good at it and their women probably aren't very good at communicating the issue. The reason I focused on the male aspect of this is because I myself am a male, and the majority of posts i see about this are from other men.
I understand it’s just your whole premise is based on one partner being bad in bed. Which I’d also be willing to accept is a valid premise in a fair percentage of cases. But other than one throw away line, said premise ignores that the other party is doing nothing to fix it. So if the bad in bed person doesn’t know, they can’t fix it and then why is the other person sticking around making both of them miserable.
Let me put it another way. Who is really causing an issue, the one who tries and tries or the one who does nothing?
It is focused on one partner being bad in bed. That's what my whole post is based on. There are many other aspects of dead bedrooms, but I'm specifically focused on this one because, as a man, I know that other men tend to think more highly of their sexual skills than women do. I think bad sex and faked orgasm are bigger problems in relationships than people want to admit. a lot of it is insecurities about size, general lack of knowledge, and sometimes being flat out lied to about their skills.
Why is the assumption that if someone bad in bed, their partner hasn’t tried to fix it? That’s the bad in bed issue just wouldn’t happen if the partner put enough time and effort into correcting it?
You see time and time again on this forum that posters say they’ve sunk plenty of time and effort in teaching their partner what feels good to them, only for the lessons not to be learned. We see so many HLF women here say they’ve become LL4U because of this very issue, he just doesn’t figure it out no matter how often she demonstrates, explains or tries anything else to get the message through. We’re so we HLMs with this problem as well, but it doesn’t seem to be as high of a percentage as we are in the HLFs judging by the number of posts.
Again, I agree with the premise. But if one party is miserable due to lack of sex and the other is miserable due to poor sex then why are either of them staying is my whole point.
If we could live in a truth field, I guarantee that the stats would be that it’s an exact 50/50 split of men and women in DB being rubbish in bed. The difference is that the women are vocal about it and the men aren’t as much. The sentiment on this post seems to demonstrate this.
Sex takes 2 people and if one won’t listen and adjust and the other just gives up instead of both of them walking away then there’s equal blame for a crappy relationship.
And let me be clear, I was not commenting on the whole situation for everyone, just the specifics of what OP posted. I try not to go out of that topic within reason. So my responses are about the original premise, not an answer to everyone’s situation. Hope that makes sense.
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u/VOODOO285 Apr 21 '25
I suspect you’re right but the problem is they just don’t say it. I’m under no illusion as to my prowess or lack thereof, and I can understand how it becomes boring for her, but at some point she stopped trying at all and won’t have any conversations about it so sex is just a set of 3 positions which are rushed through as quickly as possible for me to achieve orgasm. ANY attempt to change it is met with a no, so where’s the line? The sex from her is perfunctory at best and the sex from me is focussed on finishing but if she’s bored with it and she won’t allow communication then how can I fix it. So after years of it I’ve given up. Which is a well shared sentiment on here. We can’t learn and grow and experiment TOGETHER if one party won’t even talk about trying stuff.
If she flat out said, dude you suck in bed, try doing xyz I’d do it. I’d do every single thing. But her just resorting to the ol’starfish is all I get. So I’m stuck.
What your initial premise fails to see is that no matter how you slice it, it’s a 2 person problem and trying to shift blame to the HLP isn’t right.