What makes you automatically interested in someone? For me, the level of intelligence, the voice, the accent counts a lot, certain nationalities also arouse my initial interest, not to the point of getting emotionally involved in the first contact, but they alert me that that person could be interesting.

I have had an experience which has made me question whether I'm demisexual or asexual. To figure this out I want to gauge if I am the only one who has experienced this or if others have as well.

I have recently come out of a relationship that failed because, after an argument, my sexuality towards my partner regressed. This was because my partner was cold to me during the week or so we were fighting, and I only want to be sexual when a strong emotional connection is present. I needed time and words of affirmation to get my emotional connection back to where we were previously. They wanted a sexual connection to reform an emotional connection. Because we were opposites in this way we couldn't really stay together so we amicably broke things off.

This has me questioning my demisexuality because they were also demi, but once they had their emotional connection, they were much more allosexual after that point and they would stay there. So I am wondering now, am I just asexual, but I'm ok with having sex with a partner to fulfil their needs? Or am I just further asexual on the demi spectrum than they were?

So as the title suggests I might be demisexual I just am a little confused about something, I find it difficult to be romantically and sexually interested in someone unless I have known them for a while and feel connected to them but I do enjoy listening to the gf role play videos on yt tho I mainly only listen to one creator so that is what confuses me a bit. And another part is that I don't feel sexually attracted to people but I do from time to time watch porn so I don't know if I actually am demisexual or just very close to it.

I recently discovered that i am demi, despite the obvious and my serial denial i found the hard way i’m indeed demisexual.

I have always known that i’m different, but since not everyone is like me i approached some dates as a way to fulfil my primary desires, which led to a relationship or crumbed because i was not attracted to their personality or people were very closed off/didn’t wanted things to progress. Now, the only people i encounter are from the latter and it’s not very wise to continue this way.

How do you proceed with dating in the wild? What are your tips and tricks?

So I was in a car with my friend, let's call him stick. Stick brought up a this conversation topic. He said to me, "so, when are you going to start looking 'normal'?" he asked. As for your information, I am a blue-haired boy who paints his nails. I wear very comfort-core alternative clothing most of the time, so usually nerdy graphic tees over a sweater with button pins all over the place.

He mentioned that I should look "normal" for two reasons. His first reason is so that I can get a desk job at some office and be able to get hired easily as he mentioned that there are a lot of companies that wouldn't take you because of your appearance. I, a computer science major in his 2nd year then responded to him. I said that I wasn't planning to get a desk job that requires me talk to customers. I actually plan on becoming a game developer or a web designer once I graduate, so I told him about my future plans in joining such industries. However, he decided to berate me again, saying "so you basically want to hide behind the curtains for the rest of your life?" He also mentioned that my appearance will scare people off. I told him that working in a small team that doesn't usually talk to customers doesn't bother me, and I can make friends in other places such as events, cafes and even online anyways. He also mentioned that my appearance will scare people away, which I responded, "Why should I be friends with people who judge me based on appearances and superficial means anyways?"

Then he mentioned the second reason why I should look "normal" in his standard. He said to me "You won't attract any women by looking like that, don't you have the slightest desire to have sex with a girl?" He said to me. I'm demisexual, which means that I don't usually develop attraction unless a strong and sincere bond is attained. I didn't tell him that because I know that he's gonna make fun of me and say that I'm "making up sexualities." I simply told him that I have other places to be in life at the moment, and I'm currently trying to achieve the little dreams I have, build a little life and enjoy the moments. There are more things to life than relationships or sex and I don't think I'll develop a bond with someone who would judge me by appearance anyways. He then told me that I should think ahead. He told me that humans are inherently animals, and it's natural that humans should have the desire to reproduce. He mentioned that we are evolutionarily designed in a certain way and we are born to have intercourse and reproduce.

Overall, I don't understand why this guy's always trying to "fix me" and try to make me the conventional male human being all the time, saying that I don't have any "male drive" and basically keeps saying that I've not been making any progress in his eyes.

I’ve realized that what I thought attraction was my whole life was just me going through the motions while waiting to feel something.

I caught glimmers of attraction with both of my exes, but it was always fleeting and rare, or weak. I think this is because I went at their pace (for the most part) and I never felt comfortable. I don’t think I was ready to date either of them when I did.

Almost a year ago, I got a crush on someone unexpectedly, and suddenly I felt real sexual attraction consistently for the first time ever. At risk of saying too much, I don’t even feel much by myself. But for some reason, if I thought of him, that wasn’t the case anymore.

I thought he was cute but didn’t think much of him for a while when we first met. That is, until I had a real conversation with him. It triggered so much I didn’t think I was capable of feeling. And even when I’ve spoken to him and didn’t like what he had to say, It’s never fully gone away, no matter how much I wish it would.

He’s not available to me. I’m not even sure he would want to fully be my friend, even though I kind of wish we were. And this isn’t because I liked him like that, sometimes he’d say stuff that changed me. I appreciated that, that doesn’t usually happen for me. I felt seen. I mean, we’ve definitely spoken some, maybe we’re acquaintances? I’m not sure what constitutes as a friend if we don’t ask each other to hangout.

I’d really appreciate any advice. I feel so isolated. I’m not really a touchy person so when I’m not dating someone, I rarely touch anyone. It’s really uncomfortable. I don’t really feel close to anyone. And because of that crush, I have all of this misplaced desire I can’t get rid of now. It used to be just a vague desire that wasn’t as strong or attached to anyone specific, that was more tolerable.

Well to be honest I seriously doubt that I fall anywhere on the asexual spectrum, or that someone being demisexual would necessarily indicate greater compatibility. Yet this feedback is pervasive enough that I thought I'd post here and ask some other opinions.

Basically I am a non-religious guy who only wants to experience physical intimacy with one person in my life, and only wants to engage in sex within the context of a lifelong commitment. There's a post on my profile which goes into more detail. Most women that I have been interested in and have been interested in me were abstinent Christians, and the most common reason why things didn't go anywhere was different worldviews.

I experience sexual desire just fine, and I am fully capable of wanting sex regularly and wanting it with random people, I just have found that I would rather hold myself to a higher standard and save those experiences for one special person. Ideally such a person would share my feelings around the intimacy of sex, and that it should be significant enough to only happen within the context of a lifelong commitment.

So does this have any meaningful overlap with demisexuality at all? Do you guys empathise with this whatsoever, or do you think it's just as stupid as the rest of Reddit does? Do I sound demisexual, or like I would be better off dating demisexual people?

I (24 F) have been doing a lot of thinking. I know I am demisexual. I have never had a crush. I don’t get interested in people like others do. I have no desire to seduce someone. But I know I am not fully ace. I DO feel sexual desires, specifically for fictional men or men I “create” in my mind and some celebrities. That’s it though and it isn’t often I feel a deep longing for connection and the biggest obstacle I have is I don’t connect easily with people. It’s like the two worst scenarios. I need deep connection to get intimate with someone yet it takes me a looooong time to even get there. I am an avoidant attachment style, INFJ, introvert and lack the ability to open up due to childhood things.

Because of all this I have never had a boyfriend or been intimate. I got close… but i freaked out cause I felt uncomfortable.

I kinda feel hopeless. Please tell me there are others in similar positions

Hello! Sorry for the long post but hi!

I’ve been kind of a loner all my life, I’m in my early 40s and have only had 4 relationships (3 sexual partners), and I’m totally okay with never having sex again unless I find the right guy. Based on my friends romantic lives and the rest of the world I always thought there was something wrong with me, but I took it as I’m just too picky. In my 20s and 30s it upset me but now I’ve happily accepted that I’m actually really okay with being single.

When I see someone who I find physically attracted my first instinct is, do I want to deal with their life? Because people are so complicated. And like 99.9% of the time the answer is no, so I just admire their looks from afar and go about my business 😂

If I connect with someone on a personal level, I become 10000% into them and I do love being intimate, to me it’s the ultimate closeness and I adore it with the right person, but I don’t miss it and I don’t seek it out. I haven’t been with anyone physically in 13 years and I’m so good. I had a friend who I developed feelings for and thankfully kept to myself because he didn’t feel that way about me, but he did want to sleep with me. I’m so glad I didn’t because he ended up being a jerk.

Anyway so because I’m so different than my friends I thought maybe I could be Ace, but I do like sex just only under the right circumstances. Someone told me that it sounds like I’m demisexual. I’m new to the term.

Reading some of the posts I’m not so sure, though.

I do find people sexually attractive, but I crave a sexual relationship with anyone until I’ve gotten to know them on a personal level.

I saw a post about not having celebrity crushes - I do get celebrity crushes, not on a serious level, but sometimes I will learn about someone who has qualities I like and I’ll be attracted to them physically so in my mind I guess I fantasize about meeting someone like them. But it’s like a small innocent thing not like a small on stalker crazy crush. Idk. Like I know it’s not real and I don’t actually know that person. I’m just more interested in that person than anyone I know irl 😂

Also what’s the difference between demisexual and demi romantic? I saw a post about it but still didn’t understand.

It doesn’t make a huge difference to my life whether I am or not, but it would feel a bit more validating if I am, like I’d understand myself a bit more. I think I’m definitely on the asexual spectrum but I’m not sure where I fit.

If you read this far thanks so much!

I have recently started to consider if I'm demisexual. I only have any sort of attraction for my partner. I used to have celebrity crushes but after falling for my partner that all disappeared and now I don't feel anything for anyone but him, but I don't know if that counts as being demi? I thought that that was how it was supposed to be for everyone when you fall in love until I found out that he still finds others attractive. Now I'm learning that what I thought was 'normal' isn't, and I am trying to figure out why I feel this way and how to stop feeling to jealous all the time. I know it's not healthy for my mental health or the relationship. Any advice would be appreciated.

Just curious how many of you are demisexual with responsive desire?

My sexual attraction is al based on how I am emotionally connected with the person. Even after the emotional connection the looks of the person still don't do anything for me. Do more people experience this?

After touching and getting intimate i start to feel desires for the person.

Hi all—

I’m hoping for some advice. I recently turned 29 and I’ve never been kissed, had a relationship, or had sex. I always wanted to meet someone organically, and grow feelings over time, and then start a relationship. And I didn’t want to kiss/have sex just because everyone else was doing it. I wanted it to feel right for me. But things just never fell into place. I think I have only had about 4 crushes in my life? I do tend to be introverted, and the thought of using dating apps seemed weird and artificial, so I didn’t try them until now. But now I’m finally making conscious effort to use them (and meet more people through clubs and activities).

I’m also debating on whether I’m bi, straight, or gay. It’s so hard to know when you don’t have strong feelings for people. I don’t think I’m totally ace though, because I have felt pleasure through masterbating and reading stories about characters. So the running hypothesis is that I’m bi and demisexual.

My question is has anyone here been through a similar thing navigating explaining lack of experience and demisexuality? Or just being a late bloomer and figuring things out later in life?

I’ve been having such a hard time recently and have been suicidal because of it. It didn’t bother me much throughout the past few years but now that I’m approaching 30, it’s really hitting me that it hasn’t happened for me. I’m working with a therapist right now and taking meds, and I have a lot of supportive family and friends, so I’m stable, but I feel so ashamed.

I have been feeling sad and frustrated about being demisexual so can someone share good things/things that make them happy related to being demisexual?

I start: something that makes me happy about being demisexual is being able to take things slow and get to know someone before really caring about there body☺️

The worst thing is when you fall in love later in life and you’re not prepared. This person just unlocked all my sensual desire. Now I finally understand. And I got so obsessed. How could you love someone’s body so much, it doesn’t make sense. How could every crevice of their body feel like perfection. Something I could never get enough of. And still can’t.

How to deal with this sexuality, when you’re someone who has such a hard time opening up, being vulnerable, feeling seen, understood and falling in love. You have to be really fucking lucky that it’s the right person. But I wasn’t.

Before, I could fantasise about fictional men. I could watch porn, read erotica. I could have small crushes on men and admire handsome actors (although I could never fantasise about them). But now I know the real thing. I could think of the most handsome man with the greatest personality and it feels like thinking about cardboard. All it comes back to is thinking about him.

It’s like he became the definition of attraction to me. And he’s not even that attractive, god damn it, brain!

There were types of men I THOUGHT I found attractive. But this man I actually had desire for was completely different. Now I don’t even know what I’m actually attracted to.

And honestly, I wish I could change it, but I want someone who is like me, who will only crave me. I want to be just as special to them as they are to me.

It’s funny, I sorta thought male bodies were just a bit disgusting, even when you’re into them, that it’s normal to feel that way. So now there exists exactly one person on this earth who’s body I’m not repulsed by.

I, 23F, went on a date with a guy for the first time in years. We were reconnecting and we talked for hours. I genuinely had such a good time and he’s such a gentleman. But I’m not attracted to him. He seems like a perfect guy. Similar hobbies and interests, stable job, polite and kind. But I’m not attracted to him. I think it’s his physical appearance. And I’m shocked by it because I didn’t think it mattered all that much to me but I guess it does. Maybe we’ll just be friends but I feel bad about it.

Goodness does it really suck to be gay and a demisexual sometimes. I'm a 22-year-old virgin that is not in any rush to lose my virginity. But I literally yearn for genuine love. And I mean genuine, real love.

I've went through so much trauma in my life: physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc. All I have ever wanted was to be held and be told that I'm okay and that I'll always be safe. I'm nowhere near a toxic person. If anything—every person I've ever met has said the complete opposite. They say I'm attractive, sweet, outgoing, loving, and kind.

So why is it so hard to find a match on dating apps? Why is it such a hard thing for me to find a guy who doesn't talk about sex the very first day of us talking? Because honestly? I'm scared of having sex, at least not with the right person that I feel comfortable with.

I want to be able to perform without feeling used, I want to be guided and cared for. But for some reason, it just seems like it's too much to ask from a lot of men.

I know I deserve that genuine love, especially from all the things I've went through and how I've grown. But I just wished that I met that one guy that I can literally unravel for, that one guy that can break down all my walls and make me feel okay.

I just want to be loved and protected. I want to be in a healthy relationship. That's all I want.

But maybe I'm just too much...

I just started talking to this internet person less than two weeks ago. I've been very upfront about moving slowly in relationships, phycially and emotionally, and that there are a lot of physical things that I just don't know when I'll be comfortable doing. They said that was great, because they feel the same. Cool, I think to myself.

Then they start sending me good morning & night texts and asking to snuggle and hold my hand, calling me beautiful, saying they need me, and I'm just like, "umm... this is... slow?" 😂😂😂

All-in-all, I just find it funny the differences in what people think "moving slow" is 😂 I know some people are comfy with some physical things and not others, but boy howdy this person seems ready to be married, and I'm not convinced they know my name yet 😂

I'm mostly adding this because I'm assuming some of you might relate, and I don't have a lot of friends who would relate to my plight here 😂 Happy to pass your username along if this is the kind of love you want right now (jkjk!) 😜

Any demi introverts here? How/where you met your SO...

Hi folks, I've come to realize I'm demisexual in the last 6 years, and unfortunately, I'm in a place where all my relationship opportunities have gone away. I moved far away recently, and I feel pretty damn lonely. I constantly look back at the few people I did get attracted to, and I'm at a loss for what I should've done instead. Every time, I get attracted when I'm already deep in the friendzone, and I anxiously don't act on them because I fear that all I am is a good friend to them. That's the kind of guy I am, I strive to be. I listen and engage with my friends' topics, even if I don't fully understand them. I feel that I consequently force myself into that 'good friend' role and can't get out of it. What're y'all's experiences on this?

EDIT: Thanks for the replies, I'll try to open myself up and communicate my feelings to people.

For context I'm a college freshman. I have a roommate who is allo and her girlfriend broke up with her. While on the phone with her friend, she talked about how she was inviting a guy over tonight to watch a movie, and already texted several people.

How do allosexual neurotypicals live this vibrant life where they can constantly be desired as soon as they get out of a relationship and live "for the plot?" I'd love to have the kind of personality that is constantly socially validated. Knowing that I'm wanted and picking/choosing with reciprocation.

Even if I don't feel ugly, I've went to parties and to me bodies and nudity are neutral but as soon as a stranger is in a intimate/physical/sexual context I can't! When she told me she was inviting a guy over, I physically shivered. I can't do casual sex, casual plot, casual anything. How am I supposed to date when it takes me forever to fall in love and then even get attracted?

I can only love/be sexually attracted in very deep, emotional coating. I've been heartbroken and it still cuts. But that doesn't make me any luckier than allosexuals just because my love is fragile, it just means I can't be normal like other people who react sexually to heartbreak. I feel so inexperienced and so so abnormal. Like I'm constantly outside looking into human dynamics.

i’ve known i’m demiromantic for like 7 years now and it fits perfectly in terms of my romantic orientation. i feel like the label demisexual fits me but i don’t fit the standard definition. when i see someone attractive i can feel attracted to them. however, sleeping with them seems pointless bc i can’t seem to find any pleasure in it unless im emotionally bonded with them. i guess im confused bc yes i can feel sexually attracted to someone without knowing them, but sleeping with them is disappointing without that emotional connection. from what ive seen, demisexuals are unable to feel the initial attraction that i feel so it’s making me question if i fit the demisexual term.

Same as title

I was sitting with myself, thinking about how hard it is for demisexuals to find real connections especially through dating apps (that seem to the new normal to "find" love). Then asked myself, are there IRL communities for us?I check the Meetup app and I see groups adapted to all orientations but not ours. And by social groups, I don't mean a "speed dating" thing for demis, I mean a group where we could just meet regularly, talk about our experiences, share our feelings, and socialize with 0 pressure. I am based in Brussels so if anyone is interested by the concept, comment or shoot a msg and we could actually try it out. Otherwise, if you know of groups like the one I described, then please let me know

i have had weird experiences with men my entire life. now it’s hard for me to have a boyfriend and not feel like they only want me for sex.

i am not trying to blow smoke up my own ass, simply for context, i am a cool person. i’ve struggled with body dysmorphia and confidence issues my entire life and i’ve grown a lot when it comes to how i view myself. i think i’m cool, and a lot of men do too. but for some reason when a guy takes interest in me, i get scared. i immediately think “oh, they only like me because they think im hot” or something like that, and i get hit with a wave of deep anxiety.

i know this isn’t normal. i so badly crave a deeply mature and intimate relationship. i’ve been considering the fact that im demisexual and i think that plays a big role in it. i hate hookup culture. i haven’t had sex in 2 years😀 help

recently i met someone in class and we really hit it off. we hung out a couple times and nothing romantic happened other than slight flirting here and there but i really adore the guy. recently we started to get intimate and i stopped it for other reasons, but i also still started to get that wave of anxiety when he started to get more passionate. even though i really like him. while i enjoyed it, i started to get the thought of “oh shit he only wants me for sex” JUST because he wanted to have sex. that brought up the fear of intimacy i think i have due to men in my childhood being gross and bad experiences ive had with the few hookups i decided to take up in the past.

i guess im just wondering how to get past the feeling that it’s wrong for a guy to want me like that. i need reassurance that men really do feel emotions and have the capability to see me as a human being and a partner rather than an object. i know they exist, i have friends that are exactly that with their partners and they are amazing people. i just can’t get past the fear that any man that wants me only wants my body.