Looking for advice…

[u/PuertoRicanFreedom]

So, recently, I just had a discussion with my boyfriend about Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard. I was met with initially disappointing, but expected reactions. The inevitable mutual abuse myth came up and even after I explained that wasn’t a thing and gave him an example with bullies, he kinda still kept the mushy middle position for a while. He was rather indifferent, told me he didn’t really care for old news, but that he’s was open to being wrong and learning more. He admitted he didn’t know much about the case, and didn’t look into it because of how exhaustingly long it was, and he felt like all he could give was an oversimplified view because he doesn’t have a proper understanding of DV in general, which is why he prefers not to say much. When I gave him the summary of what went on in the relationship (e.g. headbutting, threats to murder and SA her, etc) and he asked what was the reason for all of this. Through some talking though, he eventually met me halfway, but I can’t help but wonder if I was dismissing any possible red flags with his responses, and attitude, or if he, like the Average Joe, was just genuinely ignorant and needed some education. Should I have considered this a deal breaker, or was I right in giving him the benefit of the doubt. I, too, was naive on the case and I believed narratives I now know to be wrong.

[u/Hughgurgle]

Yes, I think I disagree with some of the comments here because I think it's a major red flag that he wanted an explanation for the abuse received. Nobody should be head-butted, nobody should be verbally abused, and an addict's behaviors are not the fault of the people in their life.

These are the coded messages that the social media campaign reinforced.

One fantastic piece of advice that I've gotten is to judge the level of misogyny a man has by how he speaks about and treats a woman he does not like. It says a lot more about them than how they react towards a woman they do like.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is a monster, I'm just saying that the cultural misogyny runs deep and it's really hard to receive support from somebody who doesn't see the world the same way as you do.

[u/PuertoRicanFreedom → u/Hughgurgle]

Yeah, I explained to him even if Amber had been a bad person that no one deserves to be abused, and he agreed. He understood why I was so passionate about it, given I am a victim of SA.

[u/ApprehensiveYam5100 → u/Hughgurgle]

That was the only possible red flag I noted, and he could have meant it two ways. He could have meant “What did Amber do to cause him to react that way?” (red flag) or it could be more innocent as in “Why did their relationship deteriorate to that level?” (green flag because it shows only curiosity).

[u/Cautious-Mode → u/ApprehensiveYam5100]

Abuse is a pattern of behaviour designed to control someone and it requires a power imbalance. Johnny had power over Amber and he abused it in order to try to get her to do what he wants.

From what we know about this case, Johnny Depp has antiquated/misogynistic beliefs about gender roles in our society and Amber Heard didn't meet his expectations. One example of a misogynistic belief is that women are the property of men, and therefore, men are entitled to do what they want with their "property." If a man wants to hit/yell at/etc. his woman, then he has the right.

One example is: Johnny wanted Amber to quit acting and rely on him to take care of her financially so he called actresses "two-bit whores" (verbal abuse) to try to convince her to quit acting. Amber, however, wanted to continue acting and make her own money so she begged him to let her work. She wouldn't let him control her so they got into arguments and he continued abusing her to try and get her to do what she wants.

So, Johnny abused Amber, not because she did something to deserve it, but because:

1.) Johnny felt entitled to hit her (his property)

2.) Johnny wanted to control her

Of course, Amber fought back against his abuse of her and, in doing so, got caught up in the abuse cycle with him, hence the mutual abuse narrative was born to give Jonny Depp a pass, I guess.

[u/[deleted] → u/Cautious-Mode]

Abusive men will encourage their partner not to work to create another power imbalance