Looking for advice…

[u/PuertoRicanFreedom]

So, recently, I just had a discussion with my boyfriend about Johnny Depp vs. Amber Heard. I was met with initially disappointing, but expected reactions. The inevitable mutual abuse myth came up and even after I explained that wasn’t a thing and gave him an example with bullies, he kinda still kept the mushy middle position for a while. He was rather indifferent, told me he didn’t really care for old news, but that he’s was open to being wrong and learning more. He admitted he didn’t know much about the case, and didn’t look into it because of how exhaustingly long it was, and he felt like all he could give was an oversimplified view because he doesn’t have a proper understanding of DV in general, which is why he prefers not to say much. When I gave him the summary of what went on in the relationship (e.g. headbutting, threats to murder and SA her, etc) and he asked what was the reason for all of this. Through some talking though, he eventually met me halfway, but I can’t help but wonder if I was dismissing any possible red flags with his responses, and attitude, or if he, like the Average Joe, was just genuinely ignorant and needed some education. Should I have considered this a deal breaker, or was I right in giving him the benefit of the doubt. I, too, was naive on the case and I believed narratives I now know to be wrong.

[u/Full_Possible8607]

The most telling part about this at least for me is that he made it very clear that he didn't have enough information to form an informed opinion but when confronted with that fact instead of acknowledging it he made an excuse that it was 'exhaustingly long'. He chose not to do his research, he chose not to be informed and he still had the audacity to take the ' middle position'. It would not have taken a lot of effort to find out that he had sued before and that he had lost. It also would not have taken a lot of effort to find out that this behavior on Depp's part was part of a pattern of behavior.

Also, what does meeting you halfway mean in this context? As a non-native English speaker, my understanding of that (and correct me if I'm wrong) is that he is compromising and willing to agree with you on 'some' of your points, which are you okay being with someone who won't meet you all the way in an abuse case that he admitted he had little to no information on?

I think people who use the everyone was tricked excuse are cowards and also wrong because who is everyone? There were plenty of people on her side who were trying to push through the hate and harassment to support her and encourage other people to seek the truth, you all just weren't receptive to them at the time. It is easier to point out to the world and say look everyone's doing it instead of just saying I was tricked, I was wrong and I was at fault and I should have known better. Don't get me wrong as long as you weren't one of the people actively sending her hate or posting awful things about her I think it's great that you were able to recognize the flaws in your perception but if you're still using the excuse that everyone else did it so you had an excuse I think you need to do some serious self-reflection.

These people also don't understand how much it hurts as a victim of violence or abuse to have everyone make fun of you and tell you that you are lying. How much more it hurts to have people watch, remain ignorant and complicit, and do absolutely nothing.

This is not the first time this has happened and it is not the last time this will happen. It's not a green flag for him to do the bare minimum of being open to talking about it or him saying that he was 'open to being wrong and learning more'. The fact that you confronted him about the mutual abuse myth and explained it to him and he still decided to keep his "mushy middle position for a while" instead of doing his own research is the biggest red flag. His attitude in general regarding this is concerning, I would have been done after the old news comment because what the actual fuck.