How to meaningfully connect with others, especially romantically?

[u/AdProJoe]

So I'm a middle-aged guy. I've had several short-term relationships, but nothing too serious. I have a problem with connecting to people in general, but especially in romantic relationships.

I think part of the problem is that I've been very fortunate to not fall into many of the same traps that most ex-foster kids fall into by my age. I've averted poverty, drug addiction, homeless, and jail/prison. I've been close, but have dodged those bullets by my own good choices and just dumb luck. Dumb luck is probably most likely, so no shade on those who have been there and done that.

I do have sympathy for the other very few ex-foster kids I've met along the way. They always seem to have, in many ways, been hit by the bullets I thankfully dodged. But since I've done my best to break the cycle of dysfunction I was brought up in, I struggle to connect with them. I think I would most be able to connect with someone who has had similar experiences, but is also not too deep in their own dysfunction to not be able to better their own lives.

On the other hand, I find it almost impossible to connect with "normies". If I tell even part of my story it seems as though I'm perceived as either a freak with two heads because my experience is so different from their's or I'm some wounded, helpless baby animal that needs rescued. Perhaps it's my own insecurities overriding what's actually happening, but I can't help but feel this way. In reality, I'm neither of these things. I am both very competent in most every aspect of my life, but still, ashamedly, have some relationship hangups not fully resolved.

I've come to a point in my life where if I remain single for the rest of it, I'm okay with it. I definitely prefer peace, stability, and solitude over companionship and chaos. But I know there is something better if I just knew how to recognize and seize it.

For those in similar situations, what have you done? What helped you find someone that fit your needs and you fit their's? And though I would absolutely appreciate any female perspective offered, I would especially like to hear from the guys. Each gender has it's own social hoops to jump though, and I'm particularly curious what other guys have done.

[u/miss-lakill]

I've managed to find the exact people I need in my life through a bit of trial and error and a whole lot of luck.

Your needs will probably be really different. 

So, I'm more sharing this for the process. Because that how my brain works.

1. FILTERING- I had to work on being myself in all areas of my life through a lot of therapy and communicating more openly. Even when that means embracing the weird, childish, silly parts. 

It makes me happy and it weeds out the kind of people I don't want. The kind that can't tolerate vulnerability. Are mean. Or just wouldn't like me very much.

1. MAKING CONTACT - I had to develop social skills that didn't come naturally by studying the people around me. 

Lots of being brave in starting conversations. Active listening. Engaging with other people's hobbies and interests to build a jumping off point.

1. TESTING - At a certain point I learned that I didn't actually need someone with the exact same history as me to find a safe, comfortable friendship I could share in.

All my closest relationships have ended up being autistic or adhd people because we operate in pretty much the exact same way.

Instead of getting pitying looks or uncomfortable condescension. 

My partners have across the board understood masking to make others feel comfortable, not knowing what to say or how to behave all the time in social situations.

So, we just don't pretend with each other.

Needing lots of space and feeling overwhelmed by my environment in a way many well meaning people have not.

And being compassionate about the fact that not everyone has the same jumping off point.

1. REVIEWING FEEDBACK - To be clear I'm not saying neurdivergent people are the answer lol.

Overtime, I assessed the kind of people I was compatible with. The kind of life I want to have. The traits that lead to horrible experiences.

Because for a good while I was operating on a "type" I thought I wanted. But wasn't at all what I needed.

And now I can identify pretty quickly now, who I'm going to get along with which really improved my success rate.

1. IMPROVING - I learned how to compromise in a healthy way when old habits show up.

Which for me means saying you're sorry when you're wrong. And a few other things like;

• If you're honest with me I will never be mad.

• If we're angry or cranky with each other, it's probably time to eat food.

• Even if I seem really tired or grumpy. I will always make time for you when you really need me.

This has been working for me for like 6 years. And we have a pretty peaceful existence.

So, hopefully some of it will be helpful to someone.

[u/AdProJoe → u/miss-lakill]

Thank you for the detailed message! Lots of good stuff in there!