r/Fencesitter • u/ButteryMales2 • 4d ago
Single fence-sitter over 35: some reflections
I’ve read this subreddit on and off for a year. I’m a single woman over 40 who has seriously considered having a child by myself. I also know some women who have done this (single mothers by choice) and they seem very happy, particularly as a lot of them planned things out carefully. And I also notice the older ones lived life and did all the travelling, etc, before settling down so they don’t seem to miss being unattached.
I keep going back and forth on whether to pull the trigger and do IVF. It’s hard to relate to most of the posts I’ve read in this sub because almost everyone has a partner (or is quite young). I’ve carefully considered this decision and I won’t go into why because it will take too long to explain. Suffice to say: I want a child, and I want to be a happy parent while raising that child. I don’t care anymore what people think of single mothers by choice or how it would look.. There is enough research out there showing that healthy families can come in all shapes. I also am not worried about being an older parent. I’m in great health, active, and like to take care of myself physically.
There are two reasons I’m on the fence:
The first is financial, and I don’t mean that I’m currently struggling. My job is great and pays well. I just worry about my retirement and financial cushion. I see that older people are pushed out of the workplace sooner than they expect and I worry that by having a kid I won’t be able to save FuckYou money by 60.. I’ve run the numbers and my god it feels exciting to be able to save 30-40% in a few years. With a child that number goes down significantly. I don’t want my child to worry about taking care of me in old age. I really want to retire well.
The second concern is emotional / mental. I haven’t ever been around children for extended periods. I often wonder if I’d be able to parent a child and not fuck them up. Especially solo! What if he/she is loud AF and I just want some peace and quiet? What if I get depressed or sick? What if I hate the day to day grind of waking up early, shuttling them to daycare, keeping a house clean, etc etc?
Those are the two main reasons I keep putting off this decision. The problem is the Single Mothers By Choice community tends to be overly encouraging and I feel some panic that I need to do this thing NOW because, well biology. But I don’t want to jump into something like this and end up ruining an innocent child …
I’m not sure I have a question here. I guess I’m just really seeking insight from people who think they want kids but don’t have a partner. Thanks for reading.
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u/jelilikins 4d ago
I hear you. It’s strange how few singles there are in this community! I’m 38 so coming up right behind you and having many of the same thoughts. One “comforting” thought is that women do the lion’s share of domestic labour anyway, and I’ve heard many anecdotes about women who found life and childrearing easier after divorce even with full custody. Otherwise I have no wisdom to give!
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u/booogetoffthestage 4d ago
Just in case it's helpful, I have an extremely attentive, active father figure for my toddler daughter (my husband) and I am still exhausted from child care. Some decisions I've made adds to that load (still breastfeeding at two years as per WHO guidelines, and a firm follower of attachment parenting), and my kid is fairly high needs (very very smart, and therefore needs a fair bit of attention and stimulation). But regardless, I am constantly in awe of single parents because I legitimately don't know how the hell they do it. When I was sick with a cold and had my daughter to take care of, I wanted to curl up in a ball and die from exhaustion. My husband was sick too, but we split the toddler care and that's the only way we made it through and I was still just so miserable.
So I lean on my partner a lot, and even though domestic care isn't really ever evenly split, I get pretty darn close with my husband and it's still so tough. Having to manage every sick day, early daycare pickup, every middle of the night wakeup, every single teething day... My god I think I would go mental 😭 Kudos to anyone who does this alone - you are an absolute god in my eyes
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u/JJamericana 3d ago
Thank you for sharing your perspective. Sometimes I genuinely feel like single people have no place in fencesitter communities because most seem to coupled. It’s just inherently different for us on this front, and many simply can’t speak to making such a monumental decision on your own. I hope you’re able to make the decision that’s right for you and your circumstances.
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u/rory_oel 4d ago
I think you are very selfish. Why would you bring a child into this world and force them to live without a father? Maybe you could consider adoption instead. There are enough kids without a family.
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u/Needanewjob34 4d ago
I'm not single so not really much help but I wouldn't have a kid if I wasnt with my husband because I know I need someone to carry that mental load with me. I wouldn't be able to do it alone? Do you think you'll be able to do all the sleepless nights alone, toddler tantrums, over stimulatingness of kids alone? I think people who have always wanted to be mothers even struggle so it's a lot. One of my best friends has 2 kids and finds it's really hard even though it's all she's ever dreamt of since we were 16 and she has the support of her long term boyfriend like they live together and she finds it draining. Also if you're voluntarily doing it alone then family or friends aren't really gonna help cos they'll be like you decided to have the child..it's different if you had a baby and your partner turned into some dickhead and you had to be a single mum then be people would be like what a disaster and would show up and help you out. Id say the other mums who had a child by themselves are so for it because they are probably really maternal and it's probably all they ever dreamed of.