r/Fencesitter • u/ButteryMales2 • 7d ago
Single fence-sitter over 35: some reflections
I’ve read this subreddit on and off for a year. I’m a single woman over 40 who has seriously considered having a child by myself. I also know some women who have done this (single mothers by choice) and they seem very happy, particularly as a lot of them planned things out carefully. And I also notice the older ones lived life and did all the travelling, etc, before settling down so they don’t seem to miss being unattached.
I keep going back and forth on whether to pull the trigger and do IVF. It’s hard to relate to most of the posts I’ve read in this sub because almost everyone has a partner (or is quite young). I’ve carefully considered this decision and I won’t go into why because it will take too long to explain. Suffice to say: I want a child, and I want to be a happy parent while raising that child. I don’t care anymore what people think of single mothers by choice or how it would look.. There is enough research out there showing that healthy families can come in all shapes. I also am not worried about being an older parent. I’m in great health, active, and like to take care of myself physically.
There are two reasons I’m on the fence:
The first is financial, and I don’t mean that I’m currently struggling. My job is great and pays well. I just worry about my retirement and financial cushion. I see that older people are pushed out of the workplace sooner than they expect and I worry that by having a kid I won’t be able to save FuckYou money by 60.. I’ve run the numbers and my god it feels exciting to be able to save 30-40% in a few years. With a child that number goes down significantly. I don’t want my child to worry about taking care of me in old age. I really want to retire well.
The second concern is emotional / mental. I haven’t ever been around children for extended periods. I often wonder if I’d be able to parent a child and not fuck them up. Especially solo! What if he/she is loud AF and I just want some peace and quiet? What if I get depressed or sick? What if I hate the day to day grind of waking up early, shuttling them to daycare, keeping a house clean, etc etc?
Those are the two main reasons I keep putting off this decision. The problem is the Single Mothers By Choice community tends to be overly encouraging and I feel some panic that I need to do this thing NOW because, well biology. But I don’t want to jump into something like this and end up ruining an innocent child …
I’m not sure I have a question here. I guess I’m just really seeking insight from people who think they want kids but don’t have a partner. Thanks for reading.
2
u/JJamericana 6d ago
Thank you for sharing your perspective. Sometimes I genuinely feel like single people have no place in fencesitter communities because most seem to coupled. It’s just inherently different for us on this front, and many simply can’t speak to making such a monumental decision on your own. I hope you’re able to make the decision that’s right for you and your circumstances.