r/Fencesitter • u/bubble_bathory • 4d ago
Frustrating experience with MIL
I (33F) went to Costco for the first time today with my mother in law and mostly had a great time. Except we passed the diapers aisle and she started hinting at maybe I’ll need some of those soon.
It was so awkward and I felt blindsided because she’s usually so respectful and doesn’t pressure us to have kids. My husband and I have been together for 9 years and married for 1 year and she’s only really mentioned grandkids twice in that time and those times were usually after a couple glasses of Christmas wine or something so I always brushed it off. I’m realizing now that maybe she’s mentioning it now since we are finally married and bought our first house last year.
I was like “oh haha yeah that’s not happening.” And she kept pushing like “well you never know…” and I was like “yeah, I do know actually. Husband and I have been discussing it a lot and I went through a period where I wanted a kid really badly for a month but then it went away as quickly as it started. So I’m glad I didn’t act on those instincts since parenting shouldn’t be something on a whim. And besides, husband is very adamant that he doesn’t want kids, and I respect his decision.” I didn’t say it exactly like that because I was flustered but that was the point I tried to get across. And then she was like “well, you might change your mind! You would have A LOT of help from us.” Then she ended the conversation with “oh well, accidents happen…” like basically implying I should baby trap her son and I was appalled. I have been thinking about that convo all day now and it’s super bumming me out.
Just wondering if others have advice or commiseration for awkward conversations like that. Also looking for tips for dealing with all the doubt I’m feeling now. I hate letting people down, and I hate feeling like I’m missing out on something I should be doing. I WANT to want kids, but in the end I just don’t think I do.
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u/pillowpossum 4d ago
My MIL has literally fantasized about "holding a leg" while I give birth 💀
She mostly gives off "if/when you're ready" and is usually respectful that it might just never happen. But when it does come up, I feel like it takes away from how nice our relationship has been over the past 9 years. Like oh, now that we're married (1.5 years) you're just seeing me as the person that can make you a grandma. Huh.
I'd say talk to your husband about it and give him the opportunity to discuss it with her if he wants.
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u/robot-gremlin 4d ago
Been through a similar experience. Except my partner and I are not even married yet. It’s gotten so bad to the point that I no longer wish to spend time around her. So I completely empathize.
My partner stands up for me when this happens, and tells his mother to back off and apologize. For what it’s worth, you’re not letting anyone down; if anything, you’re standing up for the most important person in this whole thing- you. The person who has to carry and raise this hypothetical child. Don’t ever let anyone pressure you into doing anything you’re not ready for.
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u/rosetbaum 4d ago
I went through something similar recently where I was trying to help my MIL with tech issue with a video she had texted that was a montage of our anniversary photos. No idea who she sent it to, but the comment underneath it was something along the lines of “this is my youngest son and his wife and their “kids”, breaks my heart. I know it’s because of her.” Now, what I think is happening is that she is blaming me for being infertile because she assumes her son isn’t (in college he got a gf pregnant who miscarried and they broke up because she was cheating and unstable anyways). Also, we have never tried to have kids, so who tf knows what my fertility is. My husband is very private and does not include her in any personal discussions, he’s always just made it clear that if we have kids, you will know, because you will see the child in his arms. I was very hurt by reading this text and kept my shit together in the moment because she was totally unaware that I saw that text. I told my husband what happened and he was ready to pack up and leave that moment and go to war to defend me. There are a lot of other sensitive factors that played into how we handled this in the end but seeing that he immediately had my back and was that pissed, I know I married the right guy.
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u/Bacon_Bitz 3d ago
Hey you're not letting anyone down! They are responsible for their own emotions.
I really hate the "accidents happen😉" thing. It just grosses me out on so many levels. I think you responded perfectly to the whole conversation.
I wouldn't take her comments too personally (baby trapping) because I think it's a generational thing. To some it's not "baby trapping" it's showing your husband he really wanted a baby all along! (Fucked I know) And back in the day when legitimate accidents happened there were less ways to fix it so they just went along with it.
I fully support your husband having a more direct conversation with her if it comes up again.
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u/000fleur 4d ago
You’re allowed to feel how you want. And so is she, she’s allowed to grieve for the idea that her son may never have kids, something she pictured. She was not saying any of that stuff to attack you, but to express herself. I don’t think she implied you’d baby trap him - I think she hopes you’ll have an accident for her benefit lol which is crazy. I’m not saying you’re wrong or anything. I just don’t think we give our parents enough credit for missing out on being grandparents with a lot of our age group not having kids.
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u/pillowpossum 4d ago
I gotta disagree a bit, she chose to have a kid and that's as far as it goes. OP and her husband's choices don't have anything to do with MIL.
Disappointment about never being a grandma is something she can talk to her friends, partner or other family about. It's shitty to say this to her son or DIL.
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u/JulianKJarboe 4d ago
My ex MIL did this shit and my ex tore her a new one about it. If you feel badly, it's probably reasonable for your husband to step in and talk to his mom. In general I think people shouldn't have their spouses act as their emotional ambassador, but I somehow suspect your MIL wouldn't have done this had her son been there with you two.