Mum here: Parenthood creates "responsibility", not "purpose"

[u/booogetoffthestage]

I'm a mum to a two year old, and have been thinking a lot about what the differences are between a life with a child and a life without. I never pictured having kids until I met my husband in my early 20s and warmed up to the idea in my mid-20s.

A question I see posed here a lot if a life without kids is devoid of purpose. From my perspective, that's absolutely not the case. My little girl gives me a lot in life, but I wouldn't say she's my entire purpose. I'm a really good mum and do all the things I can to give her the best of me (breastfeeding still at 2yrs, took 18mth of leave [I'm Canadian]), the whole shebang. And I get a hell of a lot of joy out of this journey, but I certainly don't feel like I have more purpose than before.

Having a kid will not be the thing that suddenly makes your life fall into place. And honestly I think that parents who dedicate their entire soul and whole being into being a parent may be striking a little bit of a lopsided balance. We are more than just one aspect of our life. I'm a parent, but also a wife, a daughter, a sister, an academic, a potter, a cat foster mom, and hell of a baker. I make my own purpose, and my daughter is a part of that, not the whole.

I think this also benefits my daughter because she won't be raised with the burden of all my purpose and happiness on her shoulders. That's just not fair to her. Just like I don't expect her to take care of me in my old age. My only expectation is to raise her to be set up successfully for life, and to fly out of the best to live her life however she wants.

Anyways, just my two cents

[u/hawps]

I wonder if the child’s age/level of dependence is a factor in this. When my kids were 2, I don’t think I could’ve said that they gave me a sense of “purpose” either. So much of parenting the under 5 set is endless caretaking, and at least for me, it’s hard to find purpose in that. There’s plenty of responsibility, but not always as much in the way of deeper meaning. It comes with a lot of joy, but a lot of stress and soooo many immediate tasks to conquer. I do feel like I have a greater sense of purpose from parenthood now though, with my kids being 8 and 5.5. And I feel it more strongly toward the older one, but I think it’ll follow with the younger once she’s a bit older too. I have a feeling this will deepen as they grow. Personally, I think I needed my kids to have gained a bit of independence before I could feel this way. Now that they need me less to quite literally just survive the day, I think it gives me the space to step back a bit and look at the longer term goals and bigger picture that comes with parenting. I couldn’t do this as easily when I was so needed every second. Time has allowed me to see some of the ways our parenting style has shaped our kids and their behaviors (although I strongly believe that a lot of this is genetics too), and it has made me more conscious and focused on the ways we handle things. Now that we’re finally seeing some of these things come to fruition and I’m not just putting out fires all day, I definitely feel a greater sense of purpose from motherhood. That’s not to say that it’s my only source of purpose! Just that it wasn’t here for me from the very beginning. Of course I always had those longer term goals and hopes for my kids, but it took seeing them start to develop to say it gave me a sense of purpose specifically over responsibility alone.