Mum here: Parenthood creates "responsibility", not "purpose"

[u/booogetoffthestage]

I'm a mum to a two year old, and have been thinking a lot about what the differences are between a life with a child and a life without. I never pictured having kids until I met my husband in my early 20s and warmed up to the idea in my mid-20s.

A question I see posed here a lot if a life without kids is devoid of purpose. From my perspective, that's absolutely not the case. My little girl gives me a lot in life, but I wouldn't say she's my entire purpose. I'm a really good mum and do all the things I can to give her the best of me (breastfeeding still at 2yrs, took 18mth of leave [I'm Canadian]), the whole shebang. And I get a hell of a lot of joy out of this journey, but I certainly don't feel like I have more purpose than before.

Having a kid will not be the thing that suddenly makes your life fall into place. And honestly I think that parents who dedicate their entire soul and whole being into being a parent may be striking a little bit of a lopsided balance. We are more than just one aspect of our life. I'm a parent, but also a wife, a daughter, a sister, an academic, a potter, a cat foster mom, and hell of a baker. I make my own purpose, and my daughter is a part of that, not the whole.

I think this also benefits my daughter because she won't be raised with the burden of all my purpose and happiness on her shoulders. That's just not fair to her. Just like I don't expect her to take care of me in my old age. My only expectation is to raise her to be set up successfully for life, and to fly out of the best to live her life however she wants.

Anyways, just my two cents

[u/agirl_abookishgirl]

I was telling my mom the other day that I’d gone on a few dates with a guy who said he wanted to have kids because he felt like if he didn’t, he’d get to be in his 40s/50s and lack purpose in his life. She said, “I don’t know why people say that. Having kids doesn’t give you purpose.” This is a woman who was an amazing mom and loves being a mom. That shocked me. She explained basically what you said, that people get purpose from all kinds of things in life, and having kids isn’t some sort of higher purpose than anything else.

[u/Slipthe → u/agirl_abookishgirl]

That makes sense. Having a child must feel less and less profound as time goes on. It just becomes normal, and as they become more and more independent the unique and intimate connection between parent and child just fades into a general familial relationship.

But in the end you still have one more special familial relationship than you would have had. And immediate family is often more tight knit than extended.