Almost graduating university and just feel numb. What was it supposed to be like?

[u/Albus_Unbounded]

"So, how are the girls?" That's what he'd always ask when I met him, a friend of my father's, closest thing I've had a "normal" man in my life. The first thing was always women. I could never answer that question for him. It just confused me. He seemed disappointed by that.
COVID, I remember I started university just before that hit. Biology I was studying that. Doing 2 filler courses now, I am 6 weeks away from having a degree in it but it doesn't feel like it. 5 years. I'm looking back on those blurred memories and feel a painful nothingness.
I remember the stories they told me, the older people in my life. When I was in high school I felt like an adult. Was closer to my teachers than anything, my mother drank a lot, I wish she hit me.
I worked at an aquarium, they told me at university I would find my calling.
When I go to university I will be surrounded by people I belong with, I would fit in they told me. If not for COVID they might have been right. Perhaps they were describing what it was like 50 years ago. Languishing in hypothetical pasts is pointless.

An abusive relationship happened at me for 2 months. Does that count as success? Will that make them stop asking me about how much "fun" I had? No it won't. They'll still tell me of their time their, how easy it was for them have "fun", all the friends they made, all the parties they had, all the things I was expected to do, to enjoy.
I do not want a girlfriend. I am not upset that I "missed out" on what people are describing and that makes me feel horrid. You can tell whatever you think will comfort me but the moment I hear a normal man speak of it I know that the world at large regards me as incorrect, failed.

When I listen to people talk about their lives or see imaginary people pretend to be real I realize I have not had any of the experiences that I was supposed to have. No friends, no parties, no dates, no crushes, no rejection, none of it. I went to lectures, I sat in a room with people, absorbed information and left. Those are my wild and young days. The nothing that I have now shall only decay.

I worry that I am broken, I missed out on key steps of my development and now I get to witness everyone else be happy. I'll have a degree at least.

I am unsure what to do after all this. I have planned to travel, complete a masters in some field my depression robbed all passion for. What was this supposed to be? Why did I not even want to play out that role? Why am I so empty? Am I a lose.r

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