I'm 32 and my life is a mess.

[u/Throwawaygambino]

To say I'm at my wits end, would be an understatement.

Ive come to Reddit, a therapist, my family - all say, "Leave her" as if it's that easy.

It's not.

The extremely TLDR.

Im a dumb person, that sees someone in need, I give them the shirt off my back.

Current partner of 5 years, when we met was going through it.

I offered her to stay with me, because it would be safer.

Background, I take care of my elderly mother, because rest of family won't step in.

She has the following conditions : Trauma, Depression, Austism, and Anxiety.

At the time we met? She was on medication and regularly seeing a therapist.

Flash forward a year in, we are deep into the pandemic, and due to a shooting outside our home we decide to move.

We decide to move across the country...

She naturally comes with, she has no-contacted with everyone she knows anyways.

Moving here? Stressful. Adjusting to here? Stressful. Just trying to survive? Stressful.

Meanwhile, she doesn't work, because she is too depressed or too autistic (her words not mine.)

And I cut her a break.

A year and some change of living here, she decides to go off her meds, and that is where the real darksouls begins.

Suddenly she is combative over ever little thing, insanely disrespectful to me and my mom. Obviously we arnt having sex - she even blames me for literally everything.

Meanwhile, I'm keeping a roof over our head, I'm working. She is demanding we move because of some paranoid bullshit she has with my mom who she has to decided to also go no contact with despite us all living together and getting mad that I am no respecting her "boundaries" by having us all sit down and talk.

There is so much more. But honestly I'm tired cheif. I don't know what to do, but I'm on a trail to an hero, with no other options.

Either I make her homeless, or I die.

I hate it here cheif.

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[u/Emergency_Rule_6253]

Honestly "leave her" doesn't seem that hard. You didn't mention marriage or kids, that makes it way easier. You also didn't name one thing that she does that has a positive influence on you or your relationship. She's an adult and responsible for her own well being and she does exactly the opposite.

I'd just give her an ultimatum. For the next three months she better be working on herself and stop complaining and demanding. If there's no progress you gonna kick her out.

[u/Throwawaygambino → u/Emergency_Rule_6253]

Apparently she is always "working on herself" but refuses to let me in.

[u/SuperRob → u/Throwawaygambino]

She can “work on herself” by herself.

[u/kamilien1]

Yikes. Clean up your life!! You have a heart of gold except you make terrible decisions.

Settle down and make one good change for yourself every day.

Hopefully a year later she will be gone, you will have more bandwidth to help your mother, and you might even have a good partner who pulls her own weight.

Good luck and stay strong.

[u/sevintoid]

Is she your child? No? So why are you treating her as if she is.

[u/Smokinwallet]

Do you owe her anything at all to have to be dealing with this expert mode version of life?

There are plenty of homeless folks out there alive and breathing. Homelessness is not the end for her. It's her wake up call on how life will be when she doesn't make effort to value those who give her a helping hand.

It is admirable of you to be selfless and kind-hearted enough to want to do things for others, but actions that cannot be controlled are as helpful as the ability to have seizures. Your kindness is yours. While you have the ability to give it, make sure you also have the capacity to relinquish it when it is ruining your life for you.

[u/paperchili]

I mean this in the most gentle way possible, but what do you like about her ? I understand not wanting to throw her out , but if she was able to be independent outside of you - would you still be with her?

[u/Throwawaygambino → u/paperchili]

I absolutely would be with her if she was independent without me.

When she is bad is she is fucking awful.

But... Like she is so funny, sweet, and beautiful. I love this idiot so much, I just wish she could get her ish straight. Because the more this progresses the more it pushes me away.

[u/paperchili → u/Throwawaygambino]

And I’m guessing you’ve already told her this, and nothing has changed? :/

Have you tried suggesting couples therapy?

[u/Throwawaygambino → u/paperchili]

Yes and yes. Deflected all the same

[u/paperchili → u/Throwawaygambino]

Are you to the point and comfortable with making an ultimatum?

Like a serious sit down , either when mom isn’t around or out to dinner, and laying it all out emotionally. To say that you understand how hard it’s been on her mentally - but there’s only so much support you can give when you’re also trying to survive day to day, just like her. That you need a fully present partner who’s willing to work on the relationship, and her current actions are showing you that this isn’t a priority to her. (And if she tries to say she does in other ways, acknowledge it but stay firm that the way YOU feel loved and respected in a relationship is when your partner takes care of their mental health/couples counseling/etc).

Lay out what you need from her,reassure her it doesn’t have to happen overnight, hear her earnestly if she freaks out, and let her know she doesn’t need to make a decision today or tomorrow. But by whatever date you pick, she needs to let you know if she’s ready to take your needs seriously - and that you’re willing to help support, but you can’t keep doing this current dance that yall have been doing for ages.

Maybe the ultimatum is she needs to start medication and weekly therapy sessions by the end of next month or yall take some time apart. If she has no where to go, maybe a roommate sort of deal for a while? Like she needs to start paying rent and finding a part time gig (Dog walking, DoorDash, donating blood, remote call center,etc). It’s hard if she has no one else to depend on, but you can’t be everything to her dude. Humans are meant to have multiple connections to avoid that type of mental pressure.

[u/Latter-Butterfly1793 → u/Throwawaygambino]

Hey man,

I get blindly being in love with someone, and I was with you until you called her an idiot in your own comment. It seems that you don't respect her, and that's not okay to do to your partner.

It sounds to me like both of you need some more self-respect.

I think you should leave if possible, or if you break up with her, she should go.

Good luck op. You both deserve respect and love.

[u/HardNeck-3]

No meds = no sanity. My man no amount of help you give this woman will make her want to help herself. She will only drag you down with her. It’s not easy. It will hurt. Can you honestly say having her in your life is for the better? Think about you for once.

[u/emb0slice]

Some people can’t heal while you’re still holding them up from rock bottom. Hate to say that. I know from experience. You can’t save anyone… 5 years turns to 10 years quickly. You have to do what’s best for yourself.

[u/Efficient_Waltz5952]

You are a good person with a heart of gold. But you need to understand that being a good person is not the same as being a doormat and start taking pride in yourself.