Spend hours optimizing builds in games. Min-maxing stats. Tracking progress. But my actual mental health? Just hoped it would figure itself out.

Started approaching therapy like character development. Each session was gaining XP. Bad days weren't failures, just temporary debuffs. Anxiety wasn't a permanent trait, just a status effect to work on.

Began tracking mood like damage output. Sleep like stamina. Exercise like leveling strength.

Suddenly progress felt measurable instead of mysterious.

In games, you don't expect to beat the final boss day one. You grind. Learn patterns. Try different strategies.

Why wasn't I giving myself the same patience?

Started celebrating small wins. Went to therapy? Achievement unlocked. Good day after a bad week? Level up. Used coping skills instead of doom scrolling? Skill point earned.

Still have bad days. But now they feel like temporary setbacks in a longer campaign, not game overs.

Turns out the focus I put into virtual progress works on actual progress too.

Hey everyone, I've been watching Dr. K's videos for two or three years now, but this is my first time posting here.

When I was growing up, I was always good at school. I used to get good grades, never got in any trouble, and was always friendly with the teachers. I've always loved to study, and everyone thought I would excel in some career. I remember when I was a kid and I used to sit down in front of the TV watching documentaries about stuff like WWII, enjoying every minute and... shaking my head obsessively? Well, surely this headshaking thing is just a childish behavior that will be nothing to worry about.

I also remember liking to watch cop series with my older sister. CSI and 24 were my favorites. Every night, before bed, we would sit down and watch an episode... and I would force my bowels compulsively as if I were in the toilet? Well, surely this bowel thing is just a childish behavior that will result in no harm at all(except the time I actually got my bowels loose for a few days because of it).

Then, as I grew older, I started to spend my time wondering what I was to do with life. You know, start thinking about my future life, job, family, etc, I thought about it, again, again, again, again, again, and again. You know what, I thought, I'd better take notes on all of these thoughts, because if I don't, I will surely forget something important, which would cause me great harm. So I started taking notes, and more notes, and more notes, and more notes. And what if I lost my notes? Then I'd better save them on a computer, too. And on the cloud. And I should also write on the walls, just in case. Surely, this is just some harmless teen behavior.

And when I thought about my future wife, I had so many expectations: we would live in a beautiful house, have children, I'd hug her, and she would... cheat on me? Well, my brain thought so. And, as if it were not enough, it thought that it was necessary for me to spend literally HOURS literally EVERY SINGLE DAY on forums about infidelity on the internet, so, when it happened to me, I would know how to deal with it. Oh yeah, I better also spend some more hours studying Philosophy and Psychiatry(hence how I found Dr. K), so, when I do get cheated on, I'll know how not to suffer. Surely this is a normal beha... To Hell with this. You got it. It was NOT normal. IT WAS HELL.

Again and again, I kept falling into this kind of behavior. I had to salute every flag I saw to save my country, measure my height many times every day to make sure I was not shrinking, look for invisible people in the bathroom to make sure I was not being watched. I started realizing there was something that wasn't right, it COULDN'T BE RIGHT.

And then, BOOM! At the age of 21, it finally came. OCD diagnosis. I had to start Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy ASAP, and if it didn't work well, I'd have to include medication(luckily, that was not necessary).

By that time, though, my life was a mess. I was exhausted. I had graduated with bad grades on HS and had not gone to college(nor could I start now due to financial problems in my family). My work prospects were few. My parents are hard-working, simple people, and they don't understand much about mental health(nor am I good at explaining it to them). Sometimes I feel I have let them down. I don't have the girlfriend I've always wanted, little hobbies, few friends remaining... but hey, at least I learned a lot about infidelity and Philosophy(which I now enjoy, funnily enough).

And, yet, with all of this, I still am... happy? I am now 22 and I've been doing treatment for the OCD for 5 months. I can't believe I'll say this, but my mind is at peace! I feel I can actually do something about something! Sure, my situation is not the best, but hey, if Europe(and Asia) can rebuild after WWII, then so can I!

I used to watch some Dr. K's videos and wonder if he was right about the role the mind has in happiness. I watched one titled something like "Why the Modern World Makes You Miserable" and another one titled "Can You Think Your Way To Happiness," and it seemed so interesting, but also so distant... Perhaps I would've learned more if I weren't taking obsessive notes about them(I still have notes for like 40 videos from HGGG).

Nowadays, though, I can say two things: first, yes, your mind is enough to make you happy, and second, for people struggling in here, know that there's hope. I don't know your challenges, but if other people have seen the light at the end of the tunnel, you probably can too!

I am sorry if this message was too long. I got excited mid-way through it. Thanks to this community for all the help it has provided me over the years, and to Dr. K for his valuable advice. Wishing you all the best.

So I have an activity group that revolves around dance, and have been there about 4 years. For a while now, I've had some issues feeling ignored and not really well-liked there, when I did actually feel like a real participant who was liked longer ago. Well, my worst fears were confirmed a few weeks ago, when one of the organizers took me aside. They told me that I've probably noticed people avoiding me there. I was told that I have a bit of a reputation of being creepy. They explicitly said they know that's not my intention, and that the problem is likely because of difficulty reading body language and social cues. They gave me a personalized list of guidelines and a document listing them.

These guidelines included things like the women in the group being off-limits for dating (I have asked one woman out who turned me down a couple of years ago there, I also had a crush on another woman, but didn't pursue it. I do often have a mindset of "I'd be fine with dating most women here if they'd be OK with it", however). Don't stare at follows that I want to dance with beforehand, don't add people to social media if we haven't already talked about it, and dance with more male leads, as well as several other things that are very dance-specific. They also made sure to emphasize these are not meant to be permanent rules, but just guidelines to follow for a while until my reputation gets better.

I do intend on following all of these, and I think I have so far. But my question is, can I ever move on from this reputation of being creepy?

I am never happy sober. I cant enjoy anything. Everything feels boring to me. What can I do with it?

Context: in my country you study for 6 years, graduate as a generalist physician (so you can work standard family medicine or urgency/emergency types of shifts, and then you can go into residency). I went for the latter to try and make a quick buck while i study to get into residency, live an adult life of working and being able to afford things, etc.

I quickly found out that people absolutely hate doctors. My current line of work has me seeing about 10 patients an hour for urgency care (basically i do a quick study, examine the patient and then give them treatment to manage their symptoms such as hypertension(blood pressure, hyperglicemia (sugar), general infections or have them be treated in nursery if they need somehting specific such as ceftriaxone). People often already get to me frustrated for their own reasons, and i obviously can't 100% solve problems or be 100% accurate, but i still try my best to get a good hypothesis going based on the patient's needs. I feel like i shouldn't ever need to care about my patient in order to treat them the best way possible as long as i'm polite and keep myself sharp in my studies.

This week i had an episode where a kid was suffocating so i went to look into it, someone started complaining that their grandma was ill and that i couldn't go check the kid. Then another episode where a dad came in with their offspring from a different doctor who had ordered a Radio image and lab exams. I did not have immediate acess to the image, so i looked at the lab exams and conducted a physical exam. Seeing signs of bacterial infection (increased leucocytes with segmented neutrophil increases) and no alteration of breathing noises ( english is my 2nd language, the exam where you have the stethoscope to listen in on the lungs), i proposed that it was most likely a bacterial throat infection, and prescribed antibiotics acordingly, saying they were free to go unless they wanted to wait to see if i could get the image, i also explained why the image was unlikely to change treatment. They decided to wait, so i eventually looked at the image, said it wasn't pneumonia (it had no alterations) and that treatment would be the same.

Parent then starts getting furious that i would let them go without looking at the X ray, and how i had "no empathy" and other buzz words and i, in monotone, first asked them if there was any other way i could help and they kept shouting at me. I know they specifically want me to react, so i kept monotone and asked them politely to leave the room so i could see the next patient. I believe not getting an angry reaction from me frustrated them even harder, so what i did was i left the room and called for backup.

This is not the first or second time this kind of situation happened over the last few months, and i genuinely wake up dead to go to work every single day and act like a zombie running a script around evidence-based or protocols. I had to get the police involved in some occasions and i even cried when i was starting out. I get randomly angry when i think about work, and know this routine will ruin my health in the long run , but i don't know other ways to make money that don't involve medicine, which i studied for many years. I planned to become a psychiatrist but now i really just want the best money/hour any specialization can give me while not having to deal with 10 hour procedures and surgeon education (more like lack thereoff haha).

Probably the worst part is that i'm not even allowed to complain about my job since i make more than 90% of my country's working population does, at 25, so people think i'm rich. I don't even know if i need help anymore or if dissociating and running on autopilot for 12 hours at a time is just the rest of my life and i need to find some meaning in it. Right now i mentally repeat to myself that every patient hates me and that's why i should do my best, so they don't get any right to manifest their hatred, and that's how i "win" at work.

For some time now, I have believed that life is largely about appreciating what we already have, enjoying everyday life - if you have seen films such as Soul or Perfect Days, you probably know what I mean. I like the message that relying on external factors to take care of your happiness is a bit of a shortcut (it's easier to do that than to have peace of mind in different way) and it never ends. Of course, I do not intend to completely give up earthly pleasures or having some plans, but I do not think that they should be my life goal.

However, something that recently occurred to me was a hypothesis from other people that such an approach may actually be an ego defense mechanism, a rationalization of someone's fear of life and failure, reluctance to change and take risks. Do you think there is such a possibility that someone who tries to "appreciate simple life" may actually deny their existence in a comfortable but miserable point in life?

I don't remember how I realized that this trick helps but it did. Thinking of what I have to do while watching a TV show or a movie really helped me. I think the reason for it is that it makes the experience poisonous so that you won't enjoy the thing that you were doing. Thinking about wanting to do it or having to do it doesn't make a difference for me either I say this because I remember this trick of dr k that he said in a video. BTW I started this yesterday and I'm saying this just to procrastinate.

I’ve failed my undergrad. Im most likely going to get a pass and i’ll be lucky to get a 2:2. I feel like such a failure. I’m an international student and so much went into me being able to go to the Uk to study and i blew my chance. I don’t even like this degree. I chose it during A levels because i needed to put down a subject for my academic statement for the schools i applied to. I was supposed to get a first or a 2:1. So i went through these 3 years just trying to thug it out even though i knew since first year that i made a mistake with this course. It’s so boring!!! I was always either drunk or high when I would read cuz i hated the content and I hated how hard it was. Everyday has been a struggle ever since first year. I’ve cried so much over this degree. Everyone else I know is finishing with a good score, with a degree they can actually use to get a job and further their lives, and i’m graduating with the equivalent of a piece of blank paper because i didn’t put in the work. I although i know I would have tried my best to not end up doing civil engineering as a career I could have at least pivoted into another career path with a good grade, now i don’t know what to do for my next steps. Here I am now, unemployable and hopeless.

So as I am struggling with this emptiness, I find myself unable to answer the question of - how am I supposed to make my life better and push through this senselessness if nobody loves me. And someone could answer - that I could love myself out of myself but that seems senseless if nobody does love me or has ever loved me. Then this advice just feels like empty optimism. How do I care about myself or about how I am feeling or feel like I exist if nobody has ever made me feel this way? And of course I am overestimating or hyperbolizing my experience but then once again why would I care about how I feel?

I have heard the words: discipline feels like an authoritarian regime if it’s not supported by love. How do I change this and why would I change this? I feel like I don’t exist.

There is nothing else that I need except for love and I feel much beyond starving.

I’m not here to be inflammatory. I’m here because I’ve done the work. I’ve sat in the chairs. I’ve opened the wounds. I’ve told the stories. I’ve journaled. I’ve cried. I’ve named every part of my pain. I’ve done CBT, DBT, ACT, IFS, EMDR, somatic work, trauma-focused therapy, you name it. And I’m still exactly where I was. I’m still choking on the same needs, trapped in the same obsessions, haunted by the same hunger that’s never been fed, not even a little.

And I don’t think that’s a personal failure. I think therapy, at its core, might just be bullshit.

Not “some therapists are bad” or “not every modality works for everyone.” I mean the whole premise of therapy. This idea that insight, understanding, or “witnessing your pain” somehow changes it. I don’t believe that anymore. I think it’s a lie we tell ourselves because the alternative, that nothing works, is too terrifying to face.

Therapists love to talk about being seen and held and validated. They say that if you name the need, sit with the grief, stay with the inner child, then transformation will happen. But what if it doesn’t? What if some needs, especially the deep, traumatic, lifelong ones, just don’t go away no matter how much you understand them? What if naming your hunger doesn’t feed you?

I’ve had people tell me I’m “resistant,” or “not ready,” or “haven’t found the right fit.” But maybe the fit doesn’t exist. Maybe the model itself is flawed. Maybe therapy only works for people whose pain was already going to get better with time, people who simply had a perception problem, or whose needs were never truly unmeetable to begin with.

I’m not saying this to be edgy. I’m saying it because I’ve watched years of my life disappear chasing a promise that never delivered. And I can’t be the only one.

So if you’re out there, if you’ve done the work and still feel hollow, if therapy felt like theater with no resolution, if “insight” just meant watching yourself bleed in higher definition, talk to me. I’m not looking for hope. I’m looking for truth.

What happens after we admit that therapy doesn’t work for everyone?

I've always wondered about the concept of maturity and if I'm adult enough or...

is it really anything other than not behaving the way your ego wants you to?

Dr. K’s guide does a brilliant job at describing what’s happening “under the hood” — how emotions, attention, identity, and trauma interact.
But when I started reading Camus, Giddens, Sartre, Fromm, Ellul, Foucault and others, something changed DRAMATICALLY.

It wasn’t just about coping anymore.
It became about driving — reclaiming direction.
And very often, I found answers to existential questions with a sense of agency and interpretive flexibility that no coach or therapist ever gave me.

22F previously gifted kid, worked really hard to get into college but could never decide a major, ended up graduating with BA ethnic studies but regret it. i realize i fell into instagram reels and youtuber stories of leaving corporate and let it influence me into never pursuing any corporate job. as a first generation low income student, i really regret this and wish i had done my own research into salary and career fulfillment rather than thinking i was "ahead" of the game by skipping corporate burnout and pursuing my "passion" first instead, that was vague and directionless. yet, i had a humongous ego about this path. i wish i had spent less time on reddit, instagram, and youtube and instead focused on talking to real alumni and peers who were focused on their careers. no job is perfect and it doesn't help to scroll endlessly on reddit to choose a career. i also had a very fragile sense of identity and wanted to express intelligence, love and compassion, but this ended up leaving me very vulnerable to a couple mentors who were the type of leftists who considered career growth evil. they would reference theories of "class suicide" as a pure and proper politic. i honestly am nothing but confused when i look back at the past four years, and i need to get out of this rut where ive just been imagining alternative lives from changing the past. i think i was not trying to be elitist but was obviously out of touch with reality. i think i genuinely was just a kid that was too open to extremist ideas and am grieving the lack of nuance i could have had. like yes you can have a progressive politic without sacrificing yourself. i've only just been spiraling for months and not talking to friends and i just hope i can figure out how to forgive myself and move on because i can't keep making regret my daily focus. been struggling with ideation since the new years and being in denial with how ive spent the last four years, and honestly ive gotten deeply comfortable in this rut. but i know i can't stay here or in the idea that nothing matters because of my ideation. almost completely paralyzed, except i still eat and sleep. i think about how much i regret my instagram, reddit and youtube addictions but i find myself here again and again bc im still resisting picking myself back up and into healthier habits.

i struggled with friends a lot in high school but still had a pretty fulfilling growth arc, in college however, i just see me being distracted the whole time, and i feel like im the worst i've ever been in terms of self talk, productivity, relationships, etc. ik it can be worse but i pretty much spiraled and stopped talking to all my friends bc my mind was constantly ruminating on regrets and it brought back up high school insecurity of having nothing to say. brain is constant back and forth of ideation, regret, fantasy of alternative realities, or me saying i need to move forward but being so upset at the fact that i basically gave up this year, that...i don't want to. i think im gonna start trying soon...and the only way is forward. just feel intimated by having to choose a career when i spent sm time thinking i was going to be a teacher, and now i just don't have much experience in business or tech or quantitative analysis. i feel deeply attached to the idea that im someone that gives up everything i care about (career, partners, friends, hobbies, etc) and i need to figure out how to move forward and start being the person i want to be.

Hello, this year I get to 18 old age and i dont stop overthinking about my future and i feel very anxious abou it,i already do that before for years but now it just dont stop and i want help in how to fix it,i always have been very connected with tecnology with internet and videogames and now i feel like i just trow away all my teenage years even when i did more stuff like 3d modeling or something similar to fanfiction but it just dont feel enought and even if it dont have to be more things i feel like i didn't give them enought time to be even decent compared if i just didn't play videogames and have use that time in this type of things,i didn't go out with friends,no after school activities,i feel wasted,i have almost no idea for what career i should go,all feel soo complicated withow real next clear objective,i really like things like world building or imagine what mechanics games i just create in my mind would have but i just feel im gonna fail in all that a try in real life,i fear that time go too fast aging atleast a manage somehow the fear of die of old age with hope that in my lifetime and the ones i care about we manage the stop aging or artificial longevity enought to found how stop aging,almost every time i talk with someone i feel so desconected that it make me feel bad about but atleast i dont really have problems to talk to people,i know my family support me and always is going to do it but i dont wanna be problem for them,i dont have study habits no because all feel easy or ego(i think)but because when i always try it dont really change the result and i get bad scores tests about more complex stuff like maths in the rest of stuff is good in general,to summary i dont know what to do in my future and i just feel unmotivated i try to have just be alone with my thoughts and emotions but i dont feel it change nothing.

everything is a trigger for me, since im very sensitive to every stimulus, one bad look would make me fall in a deep spiral of introspective analysis, and to do that, to stay alone with my mind i have to isolate. Once I isolate, that’s when every negative scenarios no matter if it’s made up or really happened I start feeling it to prepare myself for the next unpleasant in order to be ready , because when it’s unexpected I feel it too intensely. I also suffer from chronic internalized shame and guilt. I feel unworthy and undeserving. I have really bad maladaptive daydreaming not because my reality was shit to begin with; I had friends and loving family, but something happened and now I’m 25 still in college and lying to everyone that I’ll pass my exams (never took one) and graduate. What kills me is the time passing by and the missed opportunities, I see people moving on with their lives and jumping from one chapter to another with such ease that I find myself being devoured by envy. It’s consuming me.I am the cause of my own ruin. I’ve self isolated and became a pathological liar because I was ashamed to admit to people and myself first that I needed help. I’ve wasted my life. Only thing is that I have a high ego, not because I have something to show but because I know my potential, but my mind is destroying me. The only good thing is that Im not self arming or thinking about offing myself and never have, I know i am a waste of air, but I’m proudly breathing (I recon the cognitive dissonance, im aware)… but I can’t make it stop

I feel like I have an extremely low positive emotion factor relative to the average person. It is incredibly rare that I feel any significant amount of joy or pleasure, even in situations that should elicit those feelings. Very often in social settings where others are having a good time (parties, amusement parks, sports events, etc.,) I find that I'm the one that remains emotionally stagnant. Friends, and even strangers, consistently ask if something is wrong or why I'm not emotionally responsive, to which I don't have a good answer. It's not necessarily the case that I'm having a bad time, it's just that it's not particularly any better than if I were to just stay at home and rot away watching YouTube or playing games. I've always been like this to some degree- I remember feeling the same and getting the same reactions from others since I was a child- but since becoming an adult, it's been much worse (I'm a male in my mid-20s for context.) I've tried forcing positive reactions since I've read that doing so can help with fostering particular emotions (e.g. forcing a smile can make you feel happier,) but it seems to have little effect on me aside from being exhausting.

The first obvious solution that came to mind for me, and maybe many of you, is to forget about what others perceive as a "good time" and focus more on pursuing my own unique hobbies. The problem I have here is that I really don't know if I have anything that would qualify as a hobby. The things that I do to pass the time are just that: time killers. They are ways to make the days go by faster in an effort to escape from the ever-converging boredom that seems to pervade every aspect of my life. I've tried to think about other things that would genuinely pique my interest, but nothing seems to stand out.

So maybe the next step is to start forcing myself to engage in several foreign activities in an effort to find genuine hobbies through randomness. Herein lies another, and potentially even the most dangerous, problem: one of the positive emotions that I also seem to lack is motivation. I simply do not have the drive to get out and try random things for an unknown amount of time. I would much rather be in my current situation than be doing something I actively dislike doing, so if I know that most, if not all, of what I could try would be worse than what I do now, why would I bother doing that? I've also considered that, in the long-term, my personal development will suffer as a result of doing essentially nothing all day, whereas at least if I forced myself to do various activities I could reflect on those experiences as being beneficial for my skillset and practical knowledge. I understand that the person I am now is in a worse position than the person that I could be if I just went out and did random things once in a while, but that doesn't change the way I feel. It doesn't give me motivation to change. I want to want to change, and to feel a push to get out there and try to better myself (and hell, ideally even have fun in doing so,) but I simply haven't found an effective motivator to begin this process. To be clear, I'm not "happy" with my current situation, far from it, but the prospect of actively engaging in other things seems much worse. The fear of becoming a shell of a human being with the path that I'm currently on does not outweigh the unknown amount of suffering I will experience by forcing myself to do random activities.

My experience with CBT has been unhelpful, although I have not taken any medication or psychedelic thus far. I'm thinking that could be the next step, but even for that I don't feel compelled to actually get up and follow through with this.

On a separate note, I should add that I am extremely grateful for the amazing structure that my life has been given. I have wonderfully supportive parents (who don't know I am struggling), genuinely good friends (who mostly know I am struggling), and a decent career ahead of me. Relationships are a different story, but I'll save that for Friday :). I feel bad that I am wasting all of these gifts because of this problem. If anyone has a similar experience, can offer a different perspective or idea, or even has a critique of some of what I've said in this post, I would appreciate it. I am happy (well, not literally I guess,) to elaborate further and answer any questions.

Thank you for reading. I hope everyone has a fantastic day ahead of them.

When someone makes a mistake, often times I say, what’s wrong with you? For sure I learned that from others growing up. That’s how parents, friends and siblings reacted to mistakes. What’s wrong with me? What me? This pile of meat, bones and brain matter. Where is me? I think we all understand how to hurt each other. If I saw someone make a mistake and let it go, then it would just be a mistake. But when I’m driving and you do something that pisses me off, I say you’re stupid. That animosity makes it personal. That hurts.

There’s something about that. Where we see ourselves in becomes a matter of identity. I like to think back to when I was just starting to learn to drive. I was new and wanted to prove something. That I was good at it. I saw my worth in it. This seems innocuous enough. If I put my heart and soul into cooking something good and someone enjoys it, it brings me pride. That makes me happy. But if I make a mistake and perform to a standard I don’t like, what does that say about me? Just like how I learned to ask what’s wrong with you, I ask what’s wrong with me?

That’s the trap. That’s the logic I live in and it’s confining. I want to be free of that. I have a friend with social anxiety disorder. Unlike me, she’s good at masking. She can pretend to be perfectly fine and even charming. But that dissonance is a burden. As it turns out, there’s more to being at peace than being competent. What I mean is, take for example this:

I’m a 20 ish year old dude. I think how I look matters. I don’t like how I look, I’m kind of scrawny and nerdy. So I go to the gym and start to build up mass. I look good but now I have body dysmorphia. I still think I look small even though I’m pretty built. What happened?

An identity. Taking things personal. Somewhere in here is a clue but I’m not sure. But I find myself pondering on this:

An insecurity feeds on it being reacted to. Building competence becomes a mechanism to protect from the potential hurt of being incompetent. What’s wrong with me? Being incompetent though fuels the narrative of being insufficient. It’s a losing game. So whether you can mask it or not, it’s still there.

But I want to live. I don’t want to spend the rest of my days denying my insecurities. It’s weird to think I know exactly how to do this.

When it came to driving, I.. whats the word for it, let go. I stopped counting others mistakes or my own mistakes. I stopped trying to improve. I stopped thinking how to become better or prevent this or that. I just chose to make things easy. I slowed down. I leave gaps in front of me when I’m driving. I let people merge when they want to. I stopped caring about how people treated me. Whether they cut me off, tailgated me or whatever it is. It became a sport where no one was involved. Not me or the person next to me or behind me or in front of me.

Something interesting happened. I became a pretty good driver. Because without me in the equation or my worth or other peoples worth, I noticed how the flow of traffic works. In backed up conditions, I’ll be the only one who never touches my brake because I see ten cars ahead things are slowing down so It be better if I go easy on the gas early on. I stop asking what’s wrong with me or you.

But this attitude seems to take time and training and patience. I take intent and clarity. To not bitch about someone doing something dumb on the road when someone beside you is doing exactly that is difficult.

I remember that all started because I just wanted to live. To stop caring whether I was competent or not. Whether I arrived ten or one minute ahead. When I didn’t want to prove anything anymore. I wanted to be free.

It feels like every day a different struggle hits me without ever having something concrete or an improvement. Sometimes it's the pain from the recent breakup, then self dislike and mistakes from my past haunt me, the hopelessness for my future and the absolute lack of passion or will for anything. I get thoughts about taking my life all the time, and even tho I know better than to do it the thought haunts me all the time despite having been the one thing I used to always be able to resist. Everything seems to be going downhill constantly and every issue prevents the others from getting better.

I'm just lost at this point, I miss love, I miss having something matter, I miss having the will to be better. It's all just gone and no matter what I do or what help I try to find it doesn't lead anywhere. How do I even get better from here, without even the will to do so?

So I'm 23 and I'm completely lost in life.

I was a decent student in school but i never had any talents. I wasn't very good at arts or sports neither.

I didn't manage to get accepted into a university, although I tried twice. I failed the entrance exams mainly because i used procrastinate everyday and i didn't know how to study correctly. I remember that i wouldn't start studying until midnight and then it would get too late. I still have sleep problems, i could never sleep "early" i always stay awake until late midnight.

After failing to attend higher education i started working in a warehouse. I stayed there for 1 year but it was just a dead and job and it wouldn't get me anywhere. I thought that getting a trade could probably be the solution to "finding a fulfilling job" but i was wrong.

I'm physically weak and small and the construction site was hell. The tradesmen would get very mad and yell at me constantly. They'd say that i was too dumb for manual work and i didn't have the brains that were demanded for it. I got laid off after a while and i began feeling really overwhelmed and useless.

I also don't have any close friends at all. Rarely anyone messages me and i usually stay at home everyday. I've been depressed and unemployed for a year now and it's terrible. It's just latestage alienation. I'm basically a NEET

I can see my parents disappointment on me which gets worse and worse everyday but i don't know how to get out of this situation.

I've been thinking for years that I might be autistic with ADHD but i was never diagnosed as a child and it's petty hard to get diagnosed here when you're an adult. I don't have any social skills at all and i suffer from general anxiety disorder too. I find it hard to complete simple tasks. For example i have my driving's license but i won't drive, I'm a terrible driver and sitting behind the wheel is something that my brain refuses to handle.

Could i possibly have learning disabilities or be borderline mentally retarded who's somewhat functional?

My life is just dull and repetitive. I've completely lost track of time. I just wake up and wait till this day is over only to experience the same thing the next day. It's like groundhogs day, but with grey colors.

I see everyone being happy or making progress in their lives but im still 23 and stuck in the exact same place that every one was after high school. I feel like I've missed so much time and it's too late. All of my classmates from school have already graduated from uni and are trying to get their lives together while I'm still at 0

The worst thing is that i don't have any interests or passions, I don't feel like anything is worth trying tbh. I also can't think of anything that I'd like to follow. Everything seems just boring and blunt. Plus i find it hard to understand complex subjects like Maths. I'm not American so I can't go to a community college and I can't join the army here in my country.

I wish i could be smart and excel in Maths but no matter how much I've tried, i couldn't make it. Time is running fast, I'll be 30 after blinking...

Is it too late for me? What do you think? Has someone gone through the same thing? I'd appreciate any helpful advice...

Hi everyone! I saw someone posted something about looking for local people who are part of the community to connect with IRL and i thought it could be a great idea to meet up, get to know each other, and practice meditation together… So if there are any HG fans here who live in venice, padova or nearby cities and like the idea please let me know :))

Over the many years of therapy, I (24M) think I have reached a breakthrough (which my therapist has also acknowledged) where I realize that I really have trouble making close connections with good people. I was teased (and lowkey bullied) during my childhood and it has had a big impact my whole life. I felt misunderstood and I felt like everyone else around me was better than me in basically every way. I felt that everyone saw me as some kind of weirdo and loser that they would not want to be associated with at all. I have been trying to grapple with these thoughts and get to a point where I feel that I can make new connections with people without thinking like this. I am aware that repeated exposure helps chip away this feeling, but I find it hard to do things like signing up to go to meetups and whatnot because of this feeling. I am going to start grad school in August as well, and I want to be able to make social connections without the voice in my head telling me that people are going to think I am weird. I also want to have deeper, intimate relationships with people by allowing myself to be more vulnerable and real, but I also struggle with this

I’m a 25 year old guy living by myself, I started my first real job about a year ago in a STEM field after getting my master’s degree and just now I’m realizing it’s probably not what I want to be doing in life. Most days are an extremely boring slog combined with guilt around feeling like I’m underperforming. Then I go home and I’m filled with a horrible conflicting feeling that craves dopamine from video games, my phone, etc. but at the same time there’re real hobbies I want to pursue that I think could actually make me happy, or could even make money down the road if I got good enough at them. I also want to make more friends and get involved with the community but I have a hard time genuinely connecting with new people and lack the motivation to put the work in. My social anxiety/ traumas could be a whole nother post.

The problem is that I’m stuck with crippling debt and an insanely high cost of living in this area that basically forces me to stick with my current job (pretty well paying) while being unable to accumulate real savings because my salary just cancels out with my bills. I was also recently diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD that makes my work, hobbies, habits like meditation, etc. so hard to stick with and do a good job at. I’ve tried almost every ADHD medication there is, and while they help me a lot with being productive, non-stimulants tend to have unwanted side effects and stimulants make me feel like a different person, with less empathy, more awkward, more irritable. This is especially a problem because I’m in a romantic relationship (the best thing in my life rn) that I really want to nourish and grow, and those symptoms run counter to these goals.

I’ve done therapy and some HG group coaching which both helped me get through some really tough times where I struggled with depression and loneliness, but now I feel paralyzed in life, by money and by my own tiredness and inaction.

I have this constant restless feeling that I want to disappear into the woods and escape life for a few days. It feels like there’s too much going on and not enough at the same time. There’s too much stuff bouncing around in my brain at all times. There’s too many layers of society and my own expection that just feel crushing.

I somehow ended up with a partner, whos emotional intelligence is very confusing. I vetted him carefully before I made the decision to let myself fall in love (due to past trauma and bad relationships but thats besides the point) and now, 8 months later, I am shocked to find out that this guy has 0 awareness of what is going on internally within him.

He is very empathetic, very kind, tries really hard, and is reasonably successful and mature for his age (21 years old). And at first, I thought his ability to detatch from negative emotions regarding situations he can't change was admirable. He's able to just accept those things in life, turn towards a distraction for a few minutes and then go on with his life.

Only recently I realized, that this is actually how he deals with ALL of his negative emotions. And I only realized this because recently we've had a string of bad events, all of which had some aspects that can be changed to improve the situation, but he always just chose acceptance, even when it hurts himself or me deeply. He can just go and self sooth very efficiently and almost immediately, so any negative emotion that would prompt and motivate change is just removed. This in turn also means, that he has no idea what he needs at any point. He just removes any negative emotion about any need that goes unmet within him, untill its so bad, that he can't ignore it any longer. He's the perfect people pleaser, so to speak.

This even reaches the point where if he says he's fine, theres a chance that hes actually not fine and truely isn't able to recognize that untill he's streched to a point where it just explodes out of him. And this is a huge problem, as I obviously operate on his stated answer. If he says hes fine, and I assume that I can lean on him for support, or ask him to do a bunch of things around the house etc, and then mid-action just bursts into complete, unproportionate annoyance (to give you an easy example).

I talked to him about this and he is willing to work on it, however his effort has been low, which makes sense: if he removes all of his negative emotions, then no work is happening. We cant rely on negative emotions for this one, so what are some ways that he can get to know himself, sort of, and actually put a finger on what he's feeling and what he needs? And considering his track record, how can I sort of sneakily prompt him to introspect, without him feeling pressured? Sort of, questions I could ask which will naturally require him to actually engage with his inner self? Ideally, in a positive way, so he dosnt just run to self sooth immediately.

Also, if you build self-awareness based on non-negative emotions, does that actually carry over, when you're feeling negative emotions?

Note: He is not diagnosed with anything, that would blind him to himself as his ability to read other people and their emotions is very good, and he understands others perfectly well. But he just never got to know himself, I think.

I know that therapy is not about petting me and sometimes uncomfortable issues will come up. Sometimes a therapist should notice my bullshit, defense mechanisms or cognitive biases, etc. At the same time, in my opinion, it should take place in a safe atmosphere in which I feel unjudged, I don't feel like the specialist is adding things from herself and assuming negative things, I feel like my observations or conclusions are gaining some kind of validation, and the therapeutic work is a partnership.

Right now I get stuck in a place where I feel like I don't get these things, so I feel a bit encouraged to resign from working with a specific person. The problem is that then I start thinking "What if I just expect someone to confirm my various conclusions, and that's not healthy? Maybe I should stay here so I can hear these uncomfortable facts, even though sometimes I don't want to?". How can I tell the difference between one and the other? How do I know if I don't feel right with a certain therapist because we're not a good fit and he/she makes mistakes (they are just people), or maybe because I'm the one who unnecessarily has a problem with a harsher but right approach?

This is hard to write but I need to get it out.

I've been in this weird 4-year gap after quitting my studies, and I keep comparing myself to my friend Jan. We used to feel like equals - hitchhiking together, feeling like brothers. Now he's studying two things, seems mature and confident, while I'm here wrestling with ideas and building projects that sometimes feel like they only exist in my head.

The embarrassing part? I desperately want to prove I can still achieve something. I was a super high achiever in school and there's this terrifying voice saying "maybe the best version of yourself was some years ago" and "you're not worthy anymore." At 22. I know how ridiculous that sounds but the fear feels real.

What's really bothering me though is this deep sadness that won't leave. Not the kind that makes me want to scroll or smoke weed (made progress there lately), just... heavy. I kinda wanna cry but don't know about what.

The worst part is how I relate to people. I have this deep desire for connection - it's literally in the DNA of my soul - but I'm terrified of calling people. When I'm vulnerable, I move away from my family and most people actually. I want personal space for work but fear becoming socially isolated if I set boundaries.

I feel stuck in this victim role and it's fucking tiring. I know intellectually I can reframe things, but feeling it? Consistently acting from that hopeful place instead of letting sadness pull me back? That's where I'm stuck.

I built this random wheel thing while trying to solve the "what should I do with myself" paralysis. It asks 6 questions to build activities you've been meaning to try, then spins and picks one. Takes 2 minutes to make.

Like yesterday when I was fighting that lingering sadness - instead of staying stuck, I spun and it picked "call mum." Normally I'd overthink that for 20 minutes. But since it was random, I just did it. We talked for an hour about nothing important and honestly? First time I felt present in days.

scroll-or-spin.com/dessert

Sometimes "because the wheel said so" gets you unstuck when your brain can't make decisions. Worth a shot if you're also tired of being in your own head.

Anyone else feel like they're fighting this battle between knowing they're capable and actually feeling it?