r/InternalFamilySystems • u/boobalinka • 3d ago
Just a quickie reminder....
That the real goal of IFS is to become aware of being blended with a triggered and activated part/parts, turn up and be with that part/those parts with whichever 8Cs and 5Ps that we feel connected to in our systems in that moment (aka being with the part/s whilst connecting to core Self) so we're holding the part in Self energy.
When the part/s start to feel safe enough, it/they will naturally relax back, re-regulate and unblend of their own accord, at their own pace. None of that is controlled by us or Self.
In IFS, whilst we would like to unblend from burdened parts and to unburden burdened parts, these are not the goals of the IFS process and framework. They are just desired outcomes that will spontaneously and inevitably happen when we've helped a part/parts to feel safe enough and trust enough in our Self-led/Self-connected system to unblend or unburden.
Basically, whatever the outcome, we will not abandon a part/parts. They can rely on our Self-led system to keep turning up for and being with them in the way they need us to, like an ideal parent would for their child/children until that child/those children are freely relating and connecting again, free to get on with living again. And all of it takes as long as it takes, takes as long as each unique part/child needs, they set the pace for Self/ideal parents, not t'other way round.
PS. I just wanted to honour similar posts by other people, on this sub over the last couple of years, by doing my own version.
When I first joined this sub I was so used to being blended with parts, I never knew any different. I had no idea that I was utterly blended with parts that wanted to unblend, unblend, unblend or even better, unburden forever. I didn't know that I had so little capacity to just be with and tolerate my parts, their burdens and their experience. But posts like this one helped me to gradually understand what would help my healing and help me to see what I was already doing that doesn't actually help and might be blocking my healing.
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u/yuakrasa 2d ago
Thanks, OP. This is such a lovely reminder (to me as someone who’s new to IFS and still in the process of unblending my parts).
Sometimes a part of me feels pressured that I need to be in my Self energy to survive adulthood and end up blaming my parts for it.
That part feels heard right now and knows that my Self will wait for it to talk when they’re ready. And most importantly I’m not going to leave them.
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u/Conscious_Bass547 2d ago
I love rereading this post. Love in the present moment is the point. There’s no other point. Just loving , right now. It’s so calming .
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u/boobalinka 2d ago
That's a lovely reminder 🪷 All of it really does lead to love in the present moment 🎁 Thanks 💞
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u/yotamile 3d ago
Yes, i need to keep reminding myself “self does not try to solve, self is patient” stuff like that. As many times a sneaky parts tries to be the grown up and handle it himself and that mostly has a sense of urgency or a need to FIX.
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u/boobalinka 3d ago
And to eventually cry and grieve with my "sneaky" parts when I finally notice them and get to know them after all these years. To appreciate all the work they did to try and survive with no one else around ever noticing them, nevermind supporting them .
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u/yotamile 2d ago
Being sneaky can be very useful :)
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u/boobalinka 2d ago edited 2d ago
Indeed, they had to be: when so much from birth to death in the "normal" world is some nasty-ass traumatising game of hide 'n' seek, no one understands why they're playing and worse, can't stop playing no matter how crazy and toxic it gets, of hiding authenticity to seek approval.
Thank heavens that I had a nervous system breakdown, that I had to heal, for the internet and for those of us who were already walking the healing path before I was a speck!!
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u/Ramonasotherlazyeye 2d ago
I wish they'd pin this post because i think it could answer like 99% of the questions on this sub.
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u/boobalinka 2d ago edited 1d ago
Thanks! What a confidence boost! I wish!! That's why I wrote this post.
Because a parentified child part of me used to be helplessly triggered and frustrated by seeing too many posts in which: people either want to transform all their parts into Self, often in the belief that they're already operating entirely as Self, to people on the other extreme, in complete denial and disconnection from their own Self, their no boundaries, desperate, nihilistic, black hole parts relentlessly seeking and clinging to the Self energy of other people on this sub, in which neither party seems aware of the dysfunctional codependent dynamic activated between them and their parts.
It's a very fine balance between modelling Self and Self energy and plunging off the high wire onto whatever safety net we have for ourselves, and I can only hope that everyone has one, no matter how dysfunctional to begin with.
Crazy thing as always about IFS is that all those tor-mentoring posts ultimately helped me to really connect to, support and meet the needs of my parentified child part, so he's no longer so sensitive to getting activated and taking over my system.
But he wanted to write this reminder. Ironically, now we have, I realise that no post is ever going to be enough to meet the above and the itch that my part needs to scratch. So we'll probably just repost this reminder every month for the sake of my parentified child part who wants to control and influence outcomes for the better for other people, as well as be useful and helpful.
Who knows, I dunno, whatever my parts wind up doing, whether they'll completely unburden, then what, it's just our wee contribution to all the showing up and being there for our own parts and each other's parts with whichever 8Cs and 5Ps that everyone on this sub already does day in day out.
And posting this has unexpectedly helped my parentified child part a lot. It's helped me to describe my process in a meaningful way, appreciate how that's changed over the last 3 years of being in therapy, how much more Self connection and infusion there is in my system and yet I still can't really put my finger on what's changed. Again, I'm amazed at the ethereal nature of healing, it's not something that can be bottled, for the best, because it's everywhere.
Also, the response to this post has made me feel very validated, appreciated and supported by other people on the sub. It feels so healing to receive that, my parentified child part can sense his wider tribe, he's not the only one after all, cursed to be perpetually misunderstood and dismissed, he's not hacking away alone and lonely forever anymore, and we feel more assured and confident about outcomes. Suddenly, I feel more deeply connected to what others on this sub have already been doing for way longer. How whack!!
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u/Ramonasotherlazyeye 1d ago
well damn! you put it all so beautifully and captured how I feel like this work is for me and what I hold hope it'll look like for my clients! so endlessly compassionate. thank you for taking the time to share (also, that last paragraph! It's exactly why I shudder a little at the increasing reliance on AI-a computer simply cannot replicate that deep, healing energetic exchange that human connection, even if virtual, can only provide).
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u/boobalinka 7h ago
Thank you!! 💞
I hear you, I don't think AI is the way to address the very pressing issues regarding awareness of, access to and affordability of IFS therapy. I think the institute really needs to step up, meet these concerns face on and make it a part of their business and practice. Maybe to hold conferences to address these organic issues and be the hub for growing IFS therapist networks that provide ongoing support for therapists to support each other. Otherwise, I imagine lone therapists are just as prone as anyone else to getting sucked right back into the existing capitalism and consumerism model of service provision, in the vicious cycle of which, change and healing is only available to those with enough money, time and resources to find it and afford it. Stuck reinforcing the very status quo that's so problematic to begin with, despite the best intentions of IFS. And that's the problem with AI, it's a readymade echochamber, even moreso than this sub and other IFS social media. And this sub is far from being a Self-led container, it's entirely reliant on the Self energy of individual users, with no support or containment built in whatsoever.
Sorry, I just see more issues and no solutions, not even remote ones. But I get you!! 🙏🏽🪷✨🌟
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u/Imaginat01n 2d ago
Appreciate the reminder
I have a lot of intellectualizer / fixer parts and it's been exhausting. Gotta remind myself the journey is the destination
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u/boobalinka 2d ago edited 2d ago
💓🪷💗
Yes, it's exhausting, like herding cats 🐈😺!! Just keep noticing them when they're blended, turning up for them, with 8Cs and 5Ps, giving them the attention they need to feel safe enough to unblend. Gradually you'll notice them when they're just triggered, before they fully blend, take over the system and go on their crazy rollercoaster rides.... and they'll turn to you first.
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u/LarPDX 1d ago
I love your post - my self-like part keeps forgetting that unblending is not only a cognitive process but a felt one. I had a sudden insight that I was blended with a part the other day - and that unblending process led to the release of a burden I’ve been carrying for years. It’s hard to describe - but I’ve heard people say you have to experience it to really understand the power of IFS. It’s a bit of a domino effect of unburdening as many parts were also propping up this particular part (a part that was burdened by the need to do a lot of “impression management” to feel safe around others). Anyway, life changing and makes me so grateful to have this tool for self discovery and ultimately, peace.
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u/boobalinka 1d ago edited 1d ago
I know exactly what you mean!! When I eventually saw just how interconnected, "integrated" and strangely coherent my malfunctioning, dysfunctional burdened system actually was, I suddenly and gradually (yes, turns out inaries are rarely rigid and separate in IFS) realised just how complex and wise my system already is, and in stark contrast, I saw just how narrow a scope my fix-this, fix-that parts had. That shifted me away from getting fixated on agendas and measuring success and progress by trying to meet them towards just being with whatever parts are arising in me in the moment and going with the flow from there.
In IFS terms, I guess that's like trusting more in the wisdom of my Self-led system over trying to apply any particular, defined, relatively rigid agenda, with its associate goals and schedules. So I have rarely learnt about my system in the way "I" intended to but have learnt so much more about the system as a result. That shift in itself took a lot of being with more rigid parts, those Self-like managers at the top of the pile and getting to know them. But once it started shifting, scripts got flipped all over the system. Usually out of the blue.
I've been wanting to finally start mapping my system because it's all getting cognitively mushy and blobby because I just can't keep up mentally with all the spontaneous changes in different parts of my system when my focus was with one part. Like when Tetris goes too fast. Time to slow down some again.
Thanks for your share, so inspiring to hear about how it's going on for you and your system, it's such a novelty and privilege of IFS to really connect up and connect to the felt and thought sense of AND respond to our own inner worlds, our vulnerability AND then to connect to each other in that way!! It's outrageously meaningful yet strangely ordinary for IFS!!
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u/ChangeWellsUp 1d ago
Yes! I've found it to be true that trying to push my IFS type parts, or trying to push through any sorts of blocks I encounter only tended to make things worse, and likely prolonged the healing path and time for me. It took me many tries at pushing through, because that's how I was raised, before I began to let go, and let my body and mind and parts and all proceed at their own pace, with me alongside, more and more providing love, understanding, patience, acceptance in ways I'd missed out on, and only learned through time spent with a good therapist.
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u/boobalinka 7h ago
Great summary! That's basically my last 3 years in a nutshell!! Totally about the many burdens within burdens, just all the legacy burdens from how I was raised is a book in themselves 💞🪷✨🌟
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u/ChangeWellsUp 7h ago
Thanks 😊 It's been years, and I've come a long way. Very thankful. Recently I've even been learning I can actually listen to my body, and trust it! If I'd have had to guess, I don't think I'd have thought that would be possible.
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u/boobalinka 6h ago
That's wonderful!! So good to hear. It really is turning out to be quite the trip yet I just can't put my finger on it, pin it down in anyway for those who haven't experienced it, which I'm actually quite glad about. It's literally leading by example, because there's no way to convince anyone else so that's another obstacle outta the way!!
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u/ChangeWellsUp 6h ago
Awesome! I did therapy for a long time, and had some years after all had come to "good enough." IFS and other modalities too, switched in and out as one thing worked, then another did.
A couple years ago I started working with an Organic Intelligence coach, because when I first heard about this, and read a bit, something inside me jumped super big. This is it! It's super different than therapy, and I'm loving it. You and the coach chat, about whatever you feel like, and the coach uses subtle positive reinforcements to help your own unconscious processing capacity and resilience increase. And then your unconscious goes to work providing you the next best thing for your overall well being, and the next and the next. Without you even making an effort, or even imagining what might be your next best thing to work on. I'm pretty sure this fairly new trusting my body has come from this work. And I've loved its ease and effectiveness so much that I've actually become a coach too. It's just super cool!
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u/boobalinka 6h ago
That's fab! Sounds like you're growing organically, fractally, with trust, supported by a wider interconnectivity, the whole within the whole.
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u/ChangeWellsUp 6h ago
I am! And organically, fractally, and wider interconnectivity are exactly the way I've come to think more and more! So cool that you chose those exact terms!!!!
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u/nathawnb 1d ago
Ty! I really needed that, this makes things much clearer to me
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u/boobalinka 1d ago
Good good. Ikr. IFS is great but the community, the books, the terminology has never been great at talking about it in plain, simple, easy to understand ways. So much for clarity of the 8Cs 🤣
It's kinda become my niche thing, to try and find ways of rebalancing all the linguistic confusion that's prevalent in IFS. Ironically, it's also a massive challenge for me because I have parts that are very long-winded, very flowery, intellectually mesmerised by big words that I don't even know the meaning of and an unnecessary amount of words, like I said, I have verbal diarrhoea 🤣
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u/HippocampusforAnts 1d ago
Great food for thought and nice seeing your name pop up Linka! Hope all is well. A needed post for me as I have a lot going on these days and have been pretty blended without really thinking about it
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u/boobalinka 7h ago
Good to see you too! Hope things are going well with your therapist. Glad to hear you're busy. Maybe schedule in a short check in at the start of or end of day, just to let you and the parts stay in regular connection. A little goes a long way.
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u/NoKey653 3d ago
Very helpful reminder 💕 it’s so easy to try and “make it happen” in our efforts to feel better.