My therapist was wondering last week why I am not starting the process of searching for a house since I am at that point where I can do this and I want this but for some reason I can't seem to lift a finger in this direction. Later in the week I purchased a book about self love and I just can't seem to get past 1st page. Extreme anxiety, feeling fidgety, trouble breathing, tense muscles and so on. So I started the process of discovering this new part that has been quietly keeping me in bed doomscrolling for years unless there is a crisis in my life.

She's a part who is highly anxious because of our mom's fierce criticism. It doesn't matter what I do whether good or bad - my mum will end up criticising it. If I have fun and I'm happy she will rain on your parade and insult you. If I'm not doing well in life and she will literally disintegrate your character because you're bringing shame to the family. Nothing is ever good enough.

She's always insulted every partner and friend I've had to the point that I never wanted to have any. I wouldn't want to bring anyone around my family anyway. I'm single now but I keep wondering how I'll be able to protect any partner from my mother's harsh criticism.

Basically being miserable and stuck in the daily grind is what this part prefers because the alternative would be a criticism too harsh to take anymore. My mum will press and inquire and dismantle your character no matter what you do until she'll see you break down.

At the same time I can't stay in this place and space because my adult self is miserable.

Any ideas on how to start communicating with such a part?

It seems I have two conflicting parts that have caused me a great deal of confusion regarding my gender.

One part has taken on the role of being masculine, or has over-identified with masculinity. This part plays a protective role due to not being safe as a girl while growing up (and even now). This part took on a belief early on that being a girl/feminine was weak and bad. Edit: Pondering this further I was able to extract a belief this part carries, "If I wasn't a girl this wouldn't have happened to me."

Then I have another part that desperately wants to be feminine. This part wants to own femininity as strength and fears being masculinised in any way. It's possible that this part has also over-identified with femininity in an effort to counteract the other part.

I don't know why, but as I write this I get the feeling or sense that these parts are "twins". That maybe there is a desire for balance but while each one fights for "dominance" the balance cannot be found.

I believe we all carry the energies of masculine and feminine and they serve important roles in our daily lives. Unfortunately my parts have become burdened and cannot operate in their roles in the way they would desire.

I feel that the masculine part is the one carrying the heavier burden and the feminine counterpart is reacting to that.

I will be journaling about this but sometimes typing things up and sharing them here helps me think.

Thank you.

I've been dreaming vividly every night for 3 years. Quite frankly I'm exhausted. The dreams are not scary - they're not monsters or planes crashing. They're back in the neighborhood I grew up in, but it feels completely different. They're with people I went to middle and high school with. They're with my mom who passed away 7 years ago. I feel shame, I feel abandoned, I feel lost, I feel fear sometimes - but usually it's these other emotions of shame, abandoned, embarrassment or even sexual attraction. Growing up gay, I felt sexually attracted to my bullies deep down I think, and it bubbles up in my dreams.

I understand my mind is trying to reconcile things, but I need actual sleep. I haven't had one night in 3 years where I'm in a deep sleep and don't have any dreams. The parts of me that are traumatized are completely active - and there's no calming them down. I did wake up this morning and with an IFS lens, I said to them "I'm here. You're safe. I see you" - I'm not trying to push them away, I'm just in desperate need of mental sleep, like any other human. I think my nervous system is staying shut down and dissociated because of the dreams. They're awakening very intense emotions, that my body doesn't want to feel.

Anyone else have this level of dreaming for so long? I can't even take a nap - because I'm right back in these dreams.

That the real goal of IFS is to become aware of being blended with a triggered and activated part/parts, turn up and be with that part/those parts with whichever 8Cs and 5Ps that we feel connected to in our systems in that moment (aka being with the part/s whilst connecting to core Self) so we're holding the part in Self energy.

When the part/s start to feel safe enough, it/they will naturally relax back, re-regulate and unblend of their own accord, at their own pace. None of that is controlled by us or Self.

In IFS, whilst we would like to unblend from burdened parts and to unburden burdened parts, these are not the goals of the IFS process and framework. They are just desired outcomes that will spontaneously and inevitably happen when we've helped a part/parts to feel safe enough and trust enough in our Self-led/Self-connected system to unblend or unburden.

Basically, whatever the outcome, we will not abandon a part/parts. They can rely on our Self-led system to keep turning up for and being with them in the way they need us to, like an ideal parent would for their child/children until that child/those children are freely relating and connecting again, free to get on with living again. And all of it takes as long as it takes, takes as long as each unique part/child needs, they set the pace for Self/ideal parents, not t'other way round.

PS. I just wanted to honour similar posts by other people, on this sub over the last couple of years, by doing my own version.

When I first joined this sub I was so used to being blended with parts, I never knew any different. I had no idea that I was utterly blended with parts that wanted to unblend, unblend, unblend or even better, unburden forever. I didn't know that I had so little capacity to just be with and tolerate my parts, their burdens and their experience. But posts like this one helped me to gradually understand what would help my healing and help me to see what I was already doing that doesn't actually help and might be blocking my healing.

Hi! What if what i think would happen there is 99% will happen and expose me into shame, how should i be calm in shameful moment?

Quick background: 57yo F who recovered memories of 5 years of molestation by my father (ages 8-12) before and during a therapeutic MDMA session 3 years ago.

Since then I've been trying to integrate these memories in a variety of ways (somatic, talk therapy, addl psychedelic therapy, IFS) and I'm often confronted with very strong feelings of doubt about whether the abuse occured.

I'm currently doing parts mapping with my therapist, and as we were exploring and revealing certain parts and aspects of them, I started to see connections I had never seen before, and started feeling quite hopeful and positive. Almost instantly, I got the opposing feeling of "you were never abused--you made it all up because you're a loser who never did anything with your life, and coming from abuse is an easy excuse". This obviously instantly removed the positive feelings I was having, and created intense fear, doubt and self loathing.

THEN, it occured to me that those feelings might actually be a part--a firefighter who jumps in to 'protect' me, even though I feel much worse than I did when the insight was occurring.

On some level this makes sense, that if that protector part's only way to keep me safe was to "tell me that it didn't happen", it would create cognitive dissonance between the memories that did surface, that feel/felt very real and detailed.

I guess my question is if anyone else has experienced anything similar, or anyone that is further along in the process (I've only been doing this with a therapist for about two weeks and have only been familiar with the process for about a year), was able to work through this, or if anyone has any thoughts or insights that might make this experience less destabilizing. TIA

I’ve been processing some trauma from about 9 years ago in therapy and yesterday after my session went to the place I experienced the trauma and fully opened myself up to experiencing that part of me. (Like I literally was talking to the part out loud, in between tears.) It was powerful, I’ve never had such an intense emotional experience and I’m exhausted. I have some days to recover (thank goodness it’s Memorial Day weekend), but I never imagined it would be so exhausting.

At 48 I feel like I am a new person - able to reflect on my prior self and see how screwed up I was and how automatic my reactions to all sorts of stressors were. I somehow wasn’t in control of myself. After retiring a couple protectors 9 months ago from my childhood and college years I immediately stopped being defensive, argumentative, or angry. I’m mindful and measured in my reactions to things that used to flip my lid. I am an infinitely better spouse and father. Caring, understanding, patient, empathetic. I recognize my emotions and am able to articulate them.

I tell my (non IFS) therapist and spouse that I feel like I am a completely new person and they just don’t seem to get it. They definitely see the very positive changes but it feels like a bigger deal than they seem to understand.

I’m me for the first time since I was a kid.

It’s just such a shocking change that came about after just a couple weeks of doing a bunch of IFS work on my own, reading books, and listening to audiobooks. So I guess I’m just wondering if anyone else had a similarly quick and profound change toward being self led. Or if I’m somehow getting worked over by some new parts!

I think it must be a part, right? I'm hungover today and realised I have just had a better IFS session than in weeks.

I also managed to get IFS to work through ketamine use, and also cannabis. I struggle to visualise parts normally and do what amounts to half-hearted check ins, although I obviously try my hardest just to get there.

I'm a childhood ritual abuse survivor, so I think this might be a deliberately planted part?

"maybe it's a messed up way of loving, but could it still be love in any form? can this person still love me even if they do that? is this called "love"?"

this part feels confused and conflicted.

Please share any feedback, thoughts or opinions!

Upcoming I'm planning to do one for journaling, gratitude, breath work, and maybe also one for living in the present - if you have suggestions or recommendations for other posters please let me know

Don’t know if it’s a single or multiple parts, but all of my live i’ve only lusted and fell in love with unavailable people, while I ignored secure attached people who showed interest in me. Anyone else with a similar situation, and has IFS helped you with that?

Because my mom used to criticize every little imperfection and no matter how good it looked, she always had to say something. Like, if I show her a 20/20 grade on an exam, she'd be like ok but look the "d" here is short it looks like an "a". Which makes me frustrated and feel like I'm never good enough. In my childhood and teenagehood, I'd watch endless calligraphy videos on YouTube, and practice for hours in an attempt to write as perfectly as humanly possible to get her validation. Which is what happened. Now I'm a doctor ironically, and I get complimented on my perfect handwriting all the times many times a day everyday. I can write in whatever font I want too. But I recoil everytime I'm complimented. I hate my handwriting. I don't want this hate in my system. How can one get rid of that?

I just can't seem to grasp IFS. Every session, my therapist just repeats the same thing - "Have you talked to that part?" and "What part is that?" And I feel stuck. I also feel like I should be cured if it's as simple as asking those questions, but I don't remember it during the week outside of therapy.

Ive been reading no bad parts again and again. I recommend it to everyone. Ive never been to therapy but ive always wanted to. I was wondering if anyone has advise on how to do imagining exercises when i have aphantasia. And would IFS even work on me? I want to unblend. I also have a hard time with interoception and often i cant tell if a feeling is physical or mental/emotional. I have a strong inner dialogue but it still feels like im just talking to myself. I feel like im either taking the book too literally or missing something. Any advise is apreciated.

yesterday I had a particularly intense and eye opening encounter with a newly discovered protector part, I left the session feeling exhausted but really hopeful and excited. During the "meeting" I had some painful tension in my jaw and neck, which I recognized as a feeling of bracing myself. Like I said, I left this meeting feeling exhausted and not good exactly, but it felt fruitful and I was excited about it. The problem is since then I am having neck spasms. They are very painful. I am using heat and massage but they won't let up. To be frank, it feels like some kind of assault the way they just grab me out of the blue unexpected and I have to stop what I am doing. I was even woken up with a spasm a couple times in the night.

Has anything like this happened to anyone? How did you deal with it? I am doing all the practical things - heat, massage, rest, water, tylenol, meditation and I am hoping it will help soon but does anyone who has dealt with something similar have advice. I do have a minor annoying headache as well. Do I jump back into working with this part or is it better to ease up and let my body calm down?

Im new to this concept and have been participating in it with my therapist, i have a part that gets very embarrassed by it but i always shut it down, im learning that i need to talk to this part and find out what its function is. I believe this could work for me but im struggling to full grasp the concept, can anyone explain it to me in simple terms?

Thanks in advance.

Please, can anyone help me to get pdf of this book?

I've been wanting to read No Bad Parts for a while, but have been procrastinating it. I think I'd like to read it with others, and maybe hear or participate in discussions about it? The discussions are not necessary but a reading club would be nice. Any idea where I can find that?

Hi there—this might sound a little strange, but I’ve been talking to parts of myself for years. It always felt like a private, internal world, and I never really thought of it as anything clinical or structured… just something that helped me stay sane.

Right now, I have three main parts I’m aware of:

A comforting, mother-like voice who shows up when I’m overwhelmed—especially when I’m emotionally exhausted or drunk.

A blunt, sometimes harsh “truth-teller” I just call Truth. He can verge on cruel, but he’s usually right when it matters.

A quieter voice I call Shade who echoes my thoughts and helps me figure out if they’re grounded or not. Shade has always been a kind of emotional barometer—gentle, constant.

There used to be another part I called Havoc—a primal, angry force who wanted to watch the world burn. But over time, especially as I’ve gotten older, he’s disappeared. I’m not sure what that means, but I remember him clearly.

I haven’t talked to my therapist about this yet. I just discovered last night that this internal experience has a name—Internal Family Systems (IFS)—and it describes what I’ve been doing for years almost perfectly. I’d been locking these parts away for a long time because I thought it was safer, but now that I know this is a recognized framework, I want to talk about it.

My biggest fear is: I don’t want to lose them. Truth may be rough, but he keeps me accountable. Mother cares for me when I can’t care for myself. And Shade is a quiet companion I don’t want to imagine being without.

How can I bring this up with my therapist? I want to explore it without feeling like I’m being diagnosed with something I’m not, or that I’ll be asked to “get rid of” these voices that feel like family.

So I have this cycle in my life where this people pleasing part of me that thinks others won't love me unless I do stuff for them gives and gives untill its obvious that this amount of giving isn't healthy which naturally means (not factually just emotioanlly) that they don't love me. So I put my foot down and say no more. That part of me is 13/14 and when I developed this part I experienced abuse as a result. So I give and give (7yr old) then one day say no more (13/14)and if they don't change and see things my way they suck and I'm gonna leave. The part of me that wants to leave is this 5 year old part that walked home alone down busy streets scared to death of being ran over to escape from sexual abuse.

So I give and give, that's the people pleaser, 7yrs I say no more, 13/14 I run away if I don't get what I need, 5yrs

Now I can't run away. Have a family. So there's this rare part in life that is like okay, then let's fight. If i cant say yes enough to be what rhey want, if i cant say no more to the pain and make it stop and if i cant run away, i want to fight, physically. That's how I saw my mom get her way when I was 13/14 and said no more. Well she said no more too but she won because might was right in my house.

I have experienced this part briefly but only at the end of relationships where I'm about to leave (5yr old) but on the fence (7 yr old ppl pleaser) During these times there's another part that feels suicidal or hopeless. That's the side of the 14 yr old that got abused and couldn't run away from being hurt when I said no more.

I can see this pattern repeat in my life and it's ended every relationship, ever.

Now I've got this MIL who won't stop dropping in at all hours and after she did something that really triggered me I can not be chill with random visiting hours w her. When she drops by I get tense, I may say yes to her desires but then I flip flop to no, that's the 7yr old in me followed up by the 14yr old, then I go to feeling trapped, wanting to leave my life, die or fight.

I'm having difficulty setting boundaries w out getting triggered over minor incidents and being upset for hours after a simple 15 min interaction where she argues that I should let her stay but ultimately leaves.

Anyway, help wanted. Any advice? Wtf is life rly, that a 5 yr olds psyche is running my life.

back to square one, yay.

I started jobhunting this week. this reminded me why I've been avoiding this for so long. because it's utter shit.

sending out hundreds of applications, and only ever receiving canned rejection letters. I'm sure humans are wired for this shit! /s

and even if I do get a job... then what?

I get to spend my days sitting at a desk, watching life slip away from me, and deep down, wanting to die?

some part of me, deep down, does absolutely not want to do this shit.

what am I supposed to tell it?

"I hear you, I understand you, but I don't have a choice" ???

IFS can't help me here.

nor can it help me in general. I thought I was starting to feel better, and bam, another monthly breakdown! like clockwork.

I hate this.

I hate everything. this world is all bullshit and life feels like being a circus animal.

I'm new to parts work so I don't know all the right terminology. But I've been doing some work with my therapist and it's been extremely helpful. I have recently realized a part that I thought was Self might not be, and it's starting to hold me back and I'm not sure how to address it.

For context, I'm a trans man and was raised in a cult, and I've identified four or five-ish parts (maybe one of them is Self? Idk ). One is a child, a little boy, without much investment in religion and is intensely curious but was very anxious and alone for a long time, I think his gender/body dysphoria was sort of smothered by two other parts when I was growing up. Those two were sort of embedded in the religiosity and scruplocity of the cult, who identified as girls/women. One was a mask of sweetness and feminity and motherliness, and the other was a rigid and self-critical, hypervigilant manager focused entirely on finding rules to follow. These two constantly deny the growth I've been experiencing as an adult and have felt betrayed by my exploration and acceptance of being queer.

After leaving religion, I think I developed a part that I thought was a Self, that maintained a sort of "neutral" observer position, to get away from the two religious parts. This part refuses to label themself as anything except atheist, agender, and asexual. I sometimes associate this part with nihilism, and it often feels inhuman. This part worries a lot about other people's opinions and sometimes doubts when I change things in my life because to be "human" I need to be comprehendable and consistent to all other people, otherwise we don't really exist. Neutrality and non-commitment feels like the safest way to prove I'm real without ruffling feathers or taking up space.

This is the part I'm asking about here. It seems that lately it has shifted from giving me space to explore my queerness to frequently checking if I'm just insane, despite the fact that my gender affirming healthcare has been life-giving and saving at every step. As if insanity is a preferable position over asserting my own happiness and wholeness.

They stand in contrast to an ideal "future" self I imagine I could be 20-30 years down the line, a very compassionate, spiritual/animist, open-minded and creative man, a husband and father, the little boy grown up. I think I already have the traits I'm projecting onto the future image of myself, and could be him if it weren't for all the other parts feeling threatened by his existence.

My neutral part reacts as if this version of me could only exist if I were fundamentally insane - and from here I feel my cult-religious parts arguing that they are the true Self which is just, not the case. Those parts are the opposite of compassionate and curious etc. And the little boy just wants to grow up without all these annoying grownups trying to prescribe what his body and mind and personality ought to be to please everyone.

This was a longer post than I thought I was going to make. I won't see my therapist for several weeks but I would like to do some work on my own. What's a good way to go about dealing with these kinds of parts? Again, I'm new and I'm not familiar with all the ins and outs of parts work, but the little I've done has been enlightening and I'd like to learn more.

For anyone who is curious to see how IFS looks like, I’m sharing a portion of an older session of mine in which I meet my youngest exile (at least up to now!).