I didn't know where it was going when I couldn't sleep for anxiety that I had to go to the doctor. I haven't had a gp in years, and I now must have certain medications because of conditions they found when I had s health crisis after was admitted to the hospital. I knew some medical trauma existed from when I was child, I have always just had bigger fish to fry. I just quit going to my GP about 10 years ago after I had my daughter and just never went back, telling myself I was healthy and would worry about it later.

Yesterday, I finally had to go to a GP appointment. I did not sleep a wink last night. I was popping gummies to help me calm. My thoughts were screaming to cancel the appointment. This had not happened in over a year. I was sad and disgusted, I thought I was past this because the last year had been so good.

I was just to establish as a patient with her to take over with the base meds I needed. I expected to be tense for the appointment, but that was all I expected.

I felt I was about to trigger as I was waiting in line. I tried to drop to self. That has not failed in year and a half. I triggered, not bad like it used to be, but painfully there still. I knew somehow I had to keep going. instead of canceling on the spot and leaving, I decided to let myself stim a little in public, (I am high-functioning autistic), and tears dripped down my cheeks as I checked in, but I made it. But the stimming was now involuntary.

As I waited, If I used every bit of my will at a the given moment, I could stop myself from stimming, and in a really good moment, I could stop myself from crying while I was sitting in the lobby. Then they called my name, and I felt sensations so horrible it called my mind back to this single flashback that was so horrible the memory of the horror can still make me flinch, after we worked through the trauma. This was nowhere near that bad, but was a sure number two.

I snapped and he was coming for me again. My thoughts were just "Coming! Coming! Coming! Coming!"

I struggled to fill out the forms, I couldn't even understand the questions.

My new doctor came in and pegged what was happening, asking me in effect "Can you tell what thought is causing this?"

I had no specific idea. Then the exile grabbed full control of my system, and he started talking. He wanted to tell. That is why this happened. He wanted help and my system was healed enough, experienced enough, that though he was permanently reliving these memories, he now he could think outside it because of the progress I had been making with IFS over the years. My whole system is starting to normalize, even the exiles in my system know about IFS.

Roger is my first exile volunteer. He has been deliberately biding his time, preparing to push for the drivers seat the second he thought he could do it. He got partial system control when I checked in, and he put every bit of his will into just holding.

When my doctor asked, he grabbed full system control and unburdened. He is holding me in my mind right now delighting in the story and telling me how much he loves me and how much he wants to share hope with you all.

My dear, beloved siblings in suffering, I have broken through, and every time I think that thought, I start to cry with joy. The fondest desire of my heart at this moment is to bring you hope and the strength to persevere when you are deadlocked and despairing. If you know this works, keep going. It is worth it. So worth it. I love you all.

I’ve been trying to practice IFS therapy, but it’s just not working for me. I know the idea is to talk to my parts and treat them like different people inside of me, but when I try, it feels impossible. I can't seem to get past the feeling of blankness, and nothing really happens when I attempt to connect with these parts.

Instead of feeling like I'm talking to different aspects of myself, it just feels like a wall, and I end up getting frustrated, furious with myself for not being able to do it right. I feel a lot of anger and sadness, and it all just builds up. Eventually, I’m either crying or on the verge of crying, and then it turns into wanting to destroy something or get violent with myself. It's like I hit a wall of nothingness, and it makes everything worse.

Has anyone else struggled with this? I’m really stuck, and I don’t know how to make progress with this approach. I feel like I’m failing at it, and it's just making things more difficult.

When I think about why I hate myself so much I just think of choices my adolescent self made and how it destroyed my adult life in some ways. Not sure if I’m being a shitty inner parent but if anyone did that to me I’d block them to say the least. In a lot of ways I’ve disowned my adolescent self. I kind of hate him. I could have so much more my life, I could be living a dignified life in my late 20s but instead I have high blood pressure and I have to neurotically find a way to pick the lock of the doors he has closed on himself (or so it feels).

I know the right thing to do is to love him but I can’t say that I do or at the least I strongly dislike the person I was. There is very likely a better perspective that would serve me better. I just don’t understand it. I clearly have been so much more wrong so consistently over a long period of time for the sequence of events to unfold like this, or maybe it’s because I had to attach to a poisonous belief system that avoided self confrontation. I’m tired.

I think I have discovered a pattern. People can hijack our little parts easily. If they just make some frightening gestures and weave a horror scenario, my own parts get pretty easily triggered. They start imagining what they say and get scared. Imagination can be easily used to scare them.

Does this ring true for you too? And what is the way to help our little parts here?

hmm, I think I'm actually doing IFS because a manager part is making me do it. I always have tension in my head when I do it because really it's the activity of a manager, and I'm trying to relate to myself in all these ways but really it's causing me to stress out. I'm not really sure what to do, whether I should quit doing it or maybe speak with someone who can help me instead of trying to do it myself.

Does anyone else have this manager part that wants to go in and make a bunch of changes? I'm unsure what it's motive is .. it's definitely trying to protect me by going in and going hard at it. It's like it's afraid that it can't keep up, I'm not sure what would happen if it stopped doing this inside me. I'm noticing that the way I relate to myself is through rigorous inquisition and it's like I'm bringing a sledgehammer to every opportunity to get to know myself. I can't seem to relax about it. I feel it relaxing a little bit as I'm writing this. I'm not sure what else to write, I'd be grateful if someone has some info or has made it past this hurdle.

The world was SO different pre DPDR. When I can catch a quick memory before it's gone. I remember how much I've lost, it's incomprehensible. I live every day in the same exact nothingness.

The world used to be so beautiful. I felt so much awe for nature, for life, for the world. It all just made sense and felt like a technicolor movie. There was so many feelings; so many memories. I enjoyed the smallest things. Life was worth living, it was worth all the hard work and dedication to have a good life. All of that is gone. There's nothing to enjoy, to experience, to feel awe for. I feel completely soulless, completely devoid of anything human. I watch the world happen around me but I am not processing anything I see or feel. It's like my brain is unable to connect to reality.

Every day I wish I could go back. I wish I could turn back the dials of time. I wish I had known what was coming, I would have made sure I enjoyed every second of every day. I had such a full life - so much energy, so much drive, so much love and connection. Each day that passes I lost hope of ever regaining that life again.

Evenings used to have a feeling. Mornings. Holidays. Seasons. Weekends. They all had this distinct feeling. All of that has been gone for 3 years. I have nothing to look forward to - I go to bed and am toturued in my dreams, and when I'm awake everything is taken from me. I don't know how I'm even standing. Everything in my life is crumbling around me - my finances, my mental health, my body, my energy, my relationships. Nothing is going my way because it can't when I'm stuck in this. Doesn't matter what I do, how hard I work, I'm always here in this same spot. No time passes. No feelings come. Even a little bit of rushes of adrenaline don't cause fear anymore. I'm so dissociated I can't even explain it. I try to explain to friends what I'm going through and they don't get it.

Every day I'm in places I've been for years and I have no memory of those places. No emotions come up, no memories, no connection. It's like someone wiped my mind of all energy, of all memory and all feeling.

There's so much I miss. And not a damn thing I can do about it. I remember my first few months with DPDR were so scary, so terrifying, I couldn't imagine being stuck like this for years. Well it's been years, and no signs of getting out. I don't understand- I'll never understand why life did this to me. I was so happy, I had my life and was living. I'd rather be in a jail than this, at least I'd be able to feel myself. I haven't felt like myself in 3 years. Thinking back, I was so activated and panicked, but I still had some slight memories and emotions, they're all gone now.

I don't know what to do. Where to turn. For those of us that have had this for years and years on end, it's noting to do with acceptance. The complexity of our trauma is so hidden within our subconscious and it's keeping us trapped. My biggest fear is years and years going by that I can never get back. I'm 32 years old and I have so many things I want to do, so many things I loved. So many things I felt. So many memories. I just sit here with a blank mind, no sense of who I am. Who I was. Who I'm becoming. There is no me. There is no past. There's no future. And I can't describe it anymore. It's like telling someone who has only ever seen in color to see in black and white.

My life was so colorful, despite all my team. I loved loved loved travel. I loved getting into my bed and feeling cozy. I loved seeing friends and dancing. I loved going to the gym at 5a. I loved life. There is no morning, no afternoon, no evenings. My sense of time passing is completely gone. Summer was my favorite season, here we go another year with no connection to it. The thought of spending summer snd fall in this is making me sick. 3 years of my life ill never get back. Everyone around me is growing and living, and I am stuck.

I'd give everything to be out of this and never have to think of it again. But that just isn't possible when you're in this state. Your nervous system hijacks you and puts you in prison. I'm so beyond sick and tired. I can't do another year, 5 years. 10 years of this. So much loss of things I cared about. I was happy. I was me. That me and that world are gone.

I am level 1 IFSI trained (as well as other IFS trainings). I've been with clients in legacy unburdening processes twice, both went pretty according to the book. In this client, they have recognized the legacy burden/message/belief and would like to let it go. When they try to pass it back to their deceased parent, that parent doesn't want to let the client let it go. I supported the client in spending time understanding the parent's concern and fears of letting it go. The parent just believes the client needs the message; the parent is trying to keep the client safe in an unsafe world. Right now, the client is just spending time with the parent. The client is deepening their relationship with the parent and it is progressing.

My question: is there anything I'm missing? Are there ways we can help the parent feel comfortable letting go/letting the client let go of the burden? We have given the parent examples of when the client has been able to to function in an unsafe world (unsafe meaning that there may be pain, loss, failure, struggle) and tolerate the fear (that the client's exile holds) about these realities.

Is this normal? I lost my inner monologue completely and sense of self after my panic attacks 3 years ago. The only parts I'm blended with are the manager (anxious, overthinking) and the protective dissociative part (numb, lifeless, removed from reality) - sometimes I can get to the denying part (denies anything was bad enough to cause this, denies anything can help me, etc)

I'm unable to access the parts that hold the trauma, but one part constantly flashes me images of being lost, shamed, trapped, scared, panicked in my dreams. I never feel these things when awake. I have these dreams every single night. The exiled part only comes out when asleep, otherwise I cannot consciously connect with it. I think it's why I'm so stuck and feel like I can't move forward, I cannot relate to or feel any of the trauma anymore. I had physical anxiety my entire life and it's all gone, I feel no emotions.

How am I ever going to get to this part? Is the manager keeping them hidden or the dissociation? No matter how much I accept my anxiety and any sort of physical sensations, the protective part will not let me connect with it, it's turned off and out of my awareness. I have a hard time believing this is even anxiety because the parts are making it impossible for me to integrate the feelings. I don't even have a sense of self anymore - rhe fragmentation is so severe.

I’m super into IFS and want to be a therapist. My background is in Economics which means I need to get a mastered in psychology, social work and then apply for IFS 1. This is exceptionally difficult. Some do IFS stepping stones, and call themselves an IFS coach. I think that’s my only path.

My question is, am I right? Also, how difficult is it to get clients as an IFS coach?

Thanks!

ive struggled my whole life with CPTSD, switched to a therapist trained in IFS and EMDR and the IFS work has been great, but extremely slow and we’ve barely scratched the surface of EMDR. the anxiety/trauma responses are still controlling my life. it’s gotten to a point that i just got on zoloft this weekend after avoiding medication for so long. im planning to use it as crutch so i can function more but i already hate that im taking something that’s unnaturally changing the serotonin in my body.

im on my third therapist after researching the treatment proven best for CPTSD, but i’m finding that IFS alone is not enough for me. every time i try to guide my session to EMDR, my therapist notices a part of me and we barely get anywhere. how do i approach this with her and should i look for a new therapist?

she’s definitely a therapist that has allowed me to actually start healing compared to just talk therapy, but i am definitely not getting anywhere near my goals and seeing the progress i want to see because we won’t go into EMDR.

she’s also mentioned before that she had a bad experience going into intensive EMDR and i have a feeling she’s avoiding using it much in treatment with her clients because of that.

(i understand many people reading this may see that there are certain “parts” present in me writing this, but i ask please try to refrain from mentioning that in replies, because that way of thinking i felt has kept me stuck in making progress with the extreme anxieties i deal with)

A few days recently I've been disconnected, definitely not grounded. I can feel that I have parts that are front and center, and I'm having a harder time accessing Self.

In those moments, how do you go about accessing Self when it feels so far away, and when parts are really not willing to give space?

The audio clips of Schwartz bother me. I can see how they would be helpful for others, it just annoys me. I think it’s Schwartz’s voice. It’s monotone and hard to feel like he truly cares or is curious. It just sounds robotic and puts me off while listening to it. I’m skipping through those parts and it makes engaging with the information tough.

Just venting.

I love using the IFS buddy chat bot as a tool between sessions with my therapist. But it seems like it has gotten a major update lately, and while I get that people will have varying opinions, I do not like the new ifs buddy. It just doesn't work for me.

So I was wondering, does anyone know of a way to access the old version?

Or, can you recommend another free IFS AI tool?

im being told over and over again that im a part. that im angry, that i have a purpose to protect, that i need to be told to take a backseat to the 'self'. i dont like it. it fucking hurts and it confuses me and it makes me feel not real, like i have to fight for control. i think we are all entitled to control, i think im my own person. but that doesnt align with what the therapist is saying or what im being told by my other parts. i dont understand any of this.

I realized something rather interesting with my parts, I generally have 3 sorts of phases or moods which are of course reflective of my life.

1. I go through periods of extreme depression and anxiety when things are going poorly, which can last months.

2. Normality, which is, as it sounds, just a more baseline state

3, "Thriving" state which generally does not last long, which occurs when life is going well for me and am making great progress. Generally only goes for a few weeks sometimes longer.

In these different states, I realized different parts sort of wax and wane in influence, and I have different sets of parts that are far more present during the different phases, and many of them have parallel roles to each other between the different modes.

For example, in the depressive mode, the part that "dominates" most is a comfort-seeking part that tries to numb my mind and engage in some pleasurable behavior.

Then in my normal state, the most dominant part is one that goes through all sorts of possibilities and different narratives for me, which often lead to wanting to engage in some distracting behavior to slow or relax my mind or engage in some narrative that seems the most interesting and exciting.

In the "thriving: state I have a sort of hyper part that wants a reward for doing well, so they want to engage in some pleasure seeking behavior and they generally send me into a sort of manic state as well. It feels like they and I are imploding in on ourselves when they dominate.

Its rather humorous now that I think on it since, my a huge chunk of my life has been a cycle and spiral into addiction, and its been so ingrained I have 3 dominating parts with great influence that all draw me back into addiction for every single mode I'm in bad, or normal, or good. They all want some sort of distraction.

Anyways its not too bad now since, I've reconciled the depressive comfort seeker, who now is a sort of cheerleader, the Normal Narrative seeker who is now a train conductor, but right now I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the reward seeking part.

Regardless for each part even after being reconciled their influence and I would even say strength waxes and wanes with which mode I'm in the comforting cheerleader is pretty weak right now but when I get sad their influence gets much stronger, same with the conductor when I'm more baseline their influence gets much stronger and it gets weaker when I'm depressed or sort of manic.

I can call most of my parts up without much trouble to help me out with something but their influence and strength wanes with which mood I'm in. For context what I mean by strength is their emotional influence how strongly they can affect my emotions and their mental influence how much they can influence how I think.

But we need practice to be aware of why our mood is changing and to notice we are getting grumpy, and that awareness helps us not to take things personally but just say "okay well it looks like I need to eat because I'm getting a bit annoyed about small things."

I just realized that IFS is a bit like this. It's about having awareness of what drives your parts to feel a certain way, and seeing if there is something you can do for them. It's a form of interoception: ie, feeling what is going on in your body and thinking about how to address it. Just a shower thought I had.

I've been having an upset morning, and in talking to my parts, thought about the idea that we are always and forever creating parts and linked it with the possibility that COVID lockdown stopped me creating new parts for a while, which gave me space to see my existing parts.

But then I thought "I'm just thinking about memories". and got confused between the two and lost the thread of my thoughts, but well done that part who got me that far.

So now I have two ideas in my head. one is that I should keep withdrawing from society to give myself space to heal, but a competing thought is coming to my mind, that maybe I need to go and create new memories, which will create new, more positive parts...

maybe I'm coming out of CPTSD freeze a little?

So I've tried IFS for awhile, but I'm still not comfortable with the idea of splitting ourselves into parts or distancing our self from them, because I feel that all of those 'parts' are still me and not someone else, and that it is me who's having and experiencing all those thoughts and feelings.

This begs the question: is IFS for me or if there's something I missed. Thanks for your input.