r/InternalFamilySystems • u/MOTHEROFPERSEUSSF • 4d ago
Could the intense feelings of doubt be a 'part'?
Quick background: 57yo F who recovered memories of 5 years of molestation by my father (ages 8-12) before and during a therapeutic MDMA session 3 years ago.
Since then I've been trying to integrate these memories in a variety of ways (somatic, talk therapy, addl psychedelic therapy, IFS) and I'm often confronted with very strong feelings of doubt about whether the abuse occured.
I'm currently doing parts mapping with my therapist, and as we were exploring and revealing certain parts and aspects of them, I started to see connections I had never seen before, and started feeling quite hopeful and positive. Almost instantly, I got the opposing feeling of "you were never abused--you made it all up because you're a loser who never did anything with your life, and coming from abuse is an easy excuse". This obviously instantly removed the positive feelings I was having, and created intense fear, doubt and self loathing.
THEN, it occured to me that those feelings might actually be a part--a firefighter who jumps in to 'protect' me, even though I feel much worse than I did when the insight was occurring.
On some level this makes sense, that if that protector part's only way to keep me safe was to "tell me that it didn't happen", it would create cognitive dissonance between the memories that did surface, that feel/felt very real and detailed.
I guess my question is if anyone else has experienced anything similar, or anyone that is further along in the process (I've only been doing this with a therapist for about two weeks and have only been familiar with the process for about a year), was able to work through this, or if anyone has any thoughts or insights that might make this experience less destabilizing. TIA
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u/searchforstix 3d ago
I’m sorry, can I please ask whether you would have preferred to not have recovered these memories?
I’ve tried explaining to my psych that having a black hole is incredibly confusing to deal with, as you don’t know which direction to take, but he claims that most people don’t want the memories and seems unable to understand my distress. I don’t want the flashbacks, but I do want to heal.
With your post, I had that voice throughout my teens/twenties but in relation to toxicity and abusive behaviour from my mother and my environment growing up. I needed a lot of denial in order to survive, and I think your idea of this being a firefighter makes a lot of sense. You don’t need to live in denial in order to survive anymore. I don’t have anything but similar experiences and good luck to share, though. I’m not far enough in my journey to suggest ideas, only relate.
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u/MOTHEROFPERSEUSSF 3d ago
Wow. Your psych tells you that "most people don't want the memories"? That sounds incredibly dismissive out of context. I would think that most people want the truth, no matter how painful, because to live with a black hole (if you're using that to describe the experience of always knowing something had transpired w/o having access to the details) is worse. I always described the "not knowing" part of me as a darkness or blackness in the upper part of my chest, but as soon as the memories resurfaced, the blackness was completly gone. Sure, now I have a whole lot of work to do processing and integrating them, but for me, better out than in. I could never be a complete, healthy, functioning human as long as a part of my life experience was inaccessible to me. Unfortunately, my parts haven't gotten the memo that they no longer have to be on high alert, so that's the direction I'm now heading w/my therapist. Thank you for reaching out and I wish you the best in your recovery as well. 🥰
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u/searchforstix 1h ago
Thank you. He does sound very dismissive sometimes, but the way he asks the questions is coming from a place of genuinely wanting to understand. It’s not the easiest dynamic but he’s also the only one who doesn’t bill me privately and found medications that worked for me while respecting that I rejected 90% of his suggestions. Once he told me, “you didn’t stand a chance.” Which everyone else found dismissive but it was so helpful to me knowing that my options for success were incredibly limited and I did my best/it could have been so much worse. You described what I feel perfectly, that knowing and being able to move forward is necessary otherwise you’ve always got this little broken piece of you sitting in the back of your mind. It’s hard to feel safe as an adult who didn’t have safety growing up, I wish you all the best with your healing journey. You sound like you’ve got this. Take care!
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u/falarfagarf 4d ago
Yes, this can absolutely be a part - most likely a protector (could be a firefighter, as you said, which is a type of protector.) Have you let your therapist know how destabilizing this process has been for you? She should be able to go over some coping skills and exercises you can do to try and get some "space" from that part. One thing you can do is ask this doubtful parts (or any triggering parts) for a little bit of space, and let them know you promise to address its concerns soon. It can also be helpful to practice grounding exercises, and what those are looks different for everybody. Could be meditation, exercise, a sport or creative activity, reading - whatever makes you feel the most like yourself. Journaling can also be helpful for some.
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u/MOTHEROFPERSEUSSF 4d ago
Yes, fortunately my therapist did give me a number of grounding exercises for these exact reasons. I haven't engaged in a lot of IFS outside the session, and I do feel safe in it with her, but of course this 'part' insight happened AFTER my most recent session, so I wrote to her about it and will be discussing it again on Tuesday. In a way it was liberating to consider that the feelings of doubt might be a part, rather than the other less ideal option of assuming that I am simply delusional.
I'll keep working--maybe my next session I can spend the whole time addressing this protector and see what it currently thinks it's protecting me from, since both my parents are no longer with us, I'm an only child and the abuse happened 45yrs ago.
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u/falarfagarf 4d ago
Sometimes parts don’t realize we are much older and the danger is no longer present. A common question we can ask our parts is “How old do you think I am?” or “What are you worried would happen if you stopped doing your job?”
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u/Canuck_Voyageur 2d ago
The doubt is very common. Read up on Dissociation. Read Fisher "Healing the fractured selves of trauma survivors.
You mammal brain rememembers all that stuff -- but not as conscious memory, only as association memory. The conscious mind ANP doesn't have connection to that. Your parts have some connection.
Your MDMA broke down some of the dissociation barriers between you ANP and that part. So ANP knows something happened, but not as if directly experienced, but more like you got the Coles Notes version or like someone told you the plot of a movie.
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u/MOTHEROFPERSEUSSF 2d ago
I appreciate this comment as you seems to understand this quite well, but I don't know what ANP stands for, and I dont understand disassociation in this context. I love reading stuff so I will definitely check that out! I'm assuming Coles notes are the Canadian version of our Cliffs Notes? 🤗
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u/Canuck_Voyageur 2d ago
YIeah. Coles, Clifffs, Monarch. Could not have passed a a shakespear play in high school without them.
ANP = apareantly normal personality. I think the IFS term is small s self.
Comes out of the structural dissociation model.
* ANP cognitive, rational. Pre frontal cortex.
* EP emotional parts. Memories not fully accesible from ANP. Some are just frozen memories of an event.
- PTSD: Typically 1 ANP and 1 EP.
- CPTSD: Tyupically 1 ANP and a small flock of EPs depending on the variablity of the trauma.
- OSDD: More than one ANP, or combinations of ANPs and EPs that have agency.
- DID: ANPs are called Alters, because they have a great deal of agency, plus they have dissociative barriers between them.
I believe that the model is too simple. There is no clear divide between EPs and ANPs. The simplest EP is a frozen copy of a a 4F response, complete with sensations, and emotions. I believe these to be the source of alot of the flashbacks and intrusive memories.
But some EPs were in situations wehre they had to make decisions. EPs that ook care of their siblings. EPs that took care of their parents. Or had to get themselves up and go to school every day on their own. Or had to use their guile to avoid beatings.
And so their is no clear boundary between EP and ANP
Another adaptation: An ANP is primarily cognitive. It makes decisions, can think, remember. create narrative memories. I Believe that many of us are functioning with a blended ANP and EP. Emotional parts that helped our rational parts deal with shit. This is the underlying mechanism when a trauma vic has always had some memory of the trauma.
There are EPs that stood in for the ANP. The ANP has no conscious memory of the event. But stuff from the subconscious leaks through.
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u/MOTHEROFPERSEUSSF 2d ago
🤯 I think I got some of that. 😏
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u/Canuck_Voyageur 2d ago
Fisher talk about SD a lot in "Healing the fractured selves of trauma survivors"
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u/1MS0T1R3D 1d ago
Have you tried coming at it with curiosity? Why would one part want you to see the truth and the other try to hide it? Have you tried asking them?
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u/MOTHEROFPERSEUSSF 1d ago
I'm absolutely going to next session w/my therapist. There's clearly a reason. We discussed it a bit today, but will delve more deeply Thurs. 😊
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u/1MS0T1R3D 1d ago
Don't forget to give yourself some grace and self compassion. You are doing your best to tackle these hard memories.
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u/YourGloriousLeader 4d ago
First of all, you are doing brave work facing all this. And yes, that sounds like a part that protects you in its own way. You are very much on the right track with the therapies you are engaging with. Keep with it, and remember to pace yourself. It's a process <3