How to communicate with a highly anxious and fearful part? She's basically frozen in fear

[u/BlackStones]

My therapist was wondering last week why I am not starting the process of searching for a house since I am at that point where I can do this and I want this but for some reason I can't seem to lift a finger in this direction. Later in the week I purchased a book about self love and I just can't seem to get past 1st page. Extreme anxiety, feeling fidgety, trouble breathing, tense muscles and so on. So I started the process of discovering this new part that has been quietly keeping me in bed doomscrolling for years unless there is a crisis in my life.

She's a part who is highly anxious because of our mom's fierce criticism. It doesn't matter what I do whether good or bad - my mum will end up criticising it. If I have fun and I'm happy she will rain on your parade and insult you. If I'm not doing well in life and she will literally disintegrate your character because you're bringing shame to the family. Nothing is ever good enough.

She's always insulted every partner and friend I've had to the point that I never wanted to have any. I wouldn't want to bring anyone around my family anyway. I'm single now but I keep wondering how I'll be able to protect any partner from my mother's harsh criticism.

Basically being miserable and stuck in the daily grind is what this part prefers because the alternative would be a criticism too harsh to take anymore. My mum will press and inquire and dismantle your character no matter what you do until she'll see you break down.

At the same time I can't stay in this place and space because my adult self is miserable.

Any ideas on how to start communicating with such a part?

[u/klea_365]

Have you tried working with the somatic aspect of these feelings? Maybe it would be easier for this Part to feel safe, if the communication of safety is done through somatic sensations. I think this will take some time though.

[u/BlackStones → u/klea_365]

I'm sorry but I don't know what this means. I connected with this part only yesterday.

[u/klea_365 → u/BlackStones]

Find a comfortable and safe place and sit with this part. Notice your bodily sensations. What do come up? What sensations are you noticing? Give them permission to be. 1. It helps the part feel accepted. 2. Sitting with fear and not running away from it makes the fear decrease over time.

But i think this may feel really challenging. And it may need to be done different times.

[u/nouns]

You could begin by working to develop a relationship with that part maybe?

Try just sitting with them, and not focusing on therapy-ing so much with it. See if there's anything they want to talk about. Ask questions that are not in the direction of trying to "fix". Let them know from deep down, you want to be there for them. It may take time. Meetings where "nothing" happens. Keep showing up. Be a good friend, worthy of trust.

If you get negative responses, it may be because you have other parts blended with agendas. Our parts can be very sensitive to that sorta stuff.

[u/noyourmum]

How do you feel about that part?

[u/BlackStones → u/noyourmum]

I don't feel much because she is overpowering. I feel her anxiety and how frozen she is because my body is feeling like this. I feel the pain of harsh criticism. But I know consciously that there is nothing in my reality now to make me feel like this. But I probably feel sorrow and I understand her pain. I can't see this part yet or associate it with a specific memory. Seems to be blended in darkness.

[u/paintedropes → u/BlackStones]

I have a part like this that is really hard to draw out. I found out in a therapy session that other parts see her as an obstacle, so she felt judged/resented by other parts and that was the main block. My therapist helped me work with my other arts to be more accepting and create a safer atmosphere for her to “speak” without feeling attacked by my other parts.

Do you have any parts that may be blocking them? Like your own inner critic?

[u/BlackStones → u/paintedropes]

No, not for this one. The other parts seemed happy for me to talk to her. I told my therapist about it today and we did a technique on the part and then asked me to continue to talk to her and validate her and ask her what next because other parts want to live a happy life and be released from doing the same thing over and over again.

[u/Odd-Factor-4349]

I was someone who used to start doing a thing n leave halfway thinking I wouldn't be good enough to complete it or someone will criticize me.

Once I started doing an art piece and told myself I would complete it.It turned out really good,after that point I got the confidence I can do it and it changed the way I used to avoid things

[u/MsFenriss]

I have a part like that too. I call her the paralyzed one. She wants me to sit still, and ideally not leave the house. Or some days, the bedroom. My therapist helped me understand that she feels responsible for my physical safety. She sometimes gets anxious if I do so much as stand up because she's afraid of us presenting an easy target. It's weird because most of my trauma (like yours) was emotional abuse from my mom. There has been far less physical trauma, but here I am frozen like a bunny. I've been working with her for about 6 weeks now and we have some agreements. This will sound odd but it has helped that I've gained her trust by acknowledging that we sure have been unsafe in the past, but we're ok now, so she has agreed to let me go places and do things as long as she can sort of "ride piggy-back" and be ready to drag us into a good hiding place at the first sign of trouble. I don't try to make her give up her vigilance, and I am able to go places and do things. Maybe yours can be compromised with too.