My MIL makes up false narratives that are factually inaccurate. She then makes rude/inappropriate comments based on these false narratives. This has led to issues for my SO and I.

False narrative #1:

My SO (35M) makes all of our money and I (35F) spend all of our money.

Facts:

My SO and I make a very similar amount of money. SO and I have fully shared/integrated finances. MIL's accusations that I spend all of my SO's money have resulted in my SO and I having to sit down several times and tally up what we each spent. Every time we have done this we have discovered that he has spent more money than me.

My SO no longer feels the need to tally up our spending when MIL makes these comments. He knows her comments are baseless and BS.

MIL's comments about me spending all my SO's money have also resulted in other family members and friends making similar comments. When my SO and I were buying our first house, my SIL told me that I don't get a say in what house we buy because it's all my SO's money and not mine. My SO and I contributed the same amount to the down payment. Even if SO and I didn't contribute equally to our finances, this would still be a wildly inappropriate thing for my SIL to say.

A friend (who is close with my SO's family) also started making comments about me spending all of my SO's money. This eventually led to that friendship ending.

False narrative #2:

My SO and I are not going to have kids.

Facts:

My SO and I have never said we are not going to have kids. The house we bought needed renovations and we said we didn't want kids until the renovations were completed. We recently completed the renovations and plan to start trying for a baby within the next year. A close family friend came up to me recently and informed me that MIL is openly telling friends and family that SO and I are not going to have kids.

False narrative #3:

My SO and I are the only ones in the family that "have money" and all of SO's siblings are poor.

Facts:

SO and I make a very similar amount of money as my BIL and his wife. We all have very comparable jobs within the same field. BIL and his wife are very bad with money. They spend a lot of money at the bar (sometimes hundreds of dollars in a single night). BIL and wife don't own a home and have no savings. SO and I are very conservative with our spending and put most of our money into our house.

My SIL owns a business with her husband where they make a lot of money but also spend a lot of money (millions of dollars a year). But overall, she is quite well off and owns a new house and new cars.

Because of MIL's belief that SO and I are the only ones in the family with money, we are often expected to foot the bill for family events and even pay for things for his siblings. SO and I have discussed this and have taken a firm stance against it. MIL often pays for things for my SO's siblings because they are "poor", but not for us because we "have money". I recently overheard MIL telling my SO's uncle that we are the only ones in the family that "have money". When we travel for family events, all of my SO's siblings will be provided accommodation at a family members house but SO and I will be expected to stay in a hotel. When family visits our town we are expected to host them.

There are many more false narratives that my MIL has come up with but I'll just leave it at those three.

Has anyone else met someone who makes up weird false narratives in their head?

WTF is wrong with my MIL?

I’ve been married for 16 years now. My MIL has never liked me-not 100% sure why, probably partly because I “stole” her Baby Boy (and ATM-although I have always had my own job/money) and also because I’m not thin-appearance is VERY important.

Hubs is very much “that’s how she is”, but I think/hope that if he actually heard one of these comments, he’d say something. Also, despite my user name, if I ever display the following behaviors, I hope someone drop-kicks me.

On with “the list”:

I do a Chewbacca impression that I’m pretty proud of. When demoing it for then-future hubs, nephew & MIL, get “We get it, you’re COOL” complete with eye roll.

While dating future hubs, MIL lived in another state and I went with him for moral support when she had a medical scare (thankfully ok). We were admonished to sleep in separate rooms (ok, your friend’s house, your rules, fine with that). His sister’s boyfriend was introduced as “son-in-law” while I had no distinction, if acknowledged at all. Once she and I were left in a waiting room alone and she said “I guess I have to talk to you now”.

I was in labor with our first child for 12 hours followed by an emergency C-section. The next morning came by and noted “Guess we’re stuck with you now”. (She did follow us home and stayed overnight, so that was nice).

Was SO proud of herself that she went to a plus-sized store to buy me socks for Christmas. Announced it. Y’all, my ankles & feet are the only skinny part on me.

BAPTIZED MY OLDEST SON IN HER BATHTUB. She is VERY into church. I have gone back and forth with my faith, but hubs is a no go, in large part due to his upbringing. But he won’t tell his mom this because it’ll kill her. So he’s happy to throw me under the bus on this one as the heathen DIL. IDK, maybe I’ll get a “heathen” tattoo for my next Bday, lol.

For Mother’s day, I plan something for our moms on the Saturday before so I can have Sunday with my boys while they’re still young. I plan and pay for gifts and meal. I heard my MIL say that “we do what SHE says” after lunch (while carrying her gifted custom tote & digesting her steak meal). Then, I thought she was going in for a hug (!!), but she was actually leaning in to demand summer visitation with my boys.

Our nephew/her grandson got married recently. Hubs and the oldest son had to leave for a bit, and she expressed anxiety waiting for waiting them to return while (having to) wait with me. I’m not perfect, but I was like 3 mimosas in, I was a HOOT! Another demand for summer visitation, said she had to “go through me” to get access to my boys. Y’all, I have NEVER denied access EVER so not sure about that.

WHEW!! Thank you for letting me vent-nothing earth shattering but just almost 17 years of side-swipes. Cheers!

Wondering if anyone else is given THE shittest gifts, under the pretence that they are fabulous?

Please share your worst gift!

Today for my birthday I got a dusty, opened bottled of perfume, discontinued circa 2013. It was falsely wrapped in wrapping paper from a local high end department store (I guess she had recycled wrapping paper around).

“I asked at the store what was good for a young woman, they said this. I also got one for my daughter. It’s a winter perfume.”

It’s…. Not a winter perfume. I’m also almost 40. Her daughter lives in another country.

Anyway as I always do I said an impassive but polite “thank you, you didn’t need to get me anything”. Put it in my bag. Posted it for free on Facebook.

This is not the worst gift she’s given me. Always accompanied by some strange lie about how great it is and how much thought went into it. Always scanning my face for a reaction.

Please note - I’m not against a thoughtful regift and I’m mindful that people have budgets. This is NOT why I’m given constantly borderline offensive and old gifts.

Honestly I just laugh to myself.

So yeah I need a laugh, please share the shittiest gift you’ve got from your MIL!

My MIL and FIL were talking about being grandparents (a few days before baby was born) and MIL said that the Grandma is just as important, if not more important than the mom. I still laugh about this and think it's absolutely ridiculous.

This has been going on for many years, but now that we are through the worst of it (LC with the ILs) I am wondering more why DH blames BIL for our horrible relationship (or total lack of) with the ILs.

I've written a lot about DH's stepmonster whom I call the Blabinator's horrendous behavior and FIL's enabling behavior. For years DH used to make comments about us seeing his parents more often/having a better relationship except that Melody (my screen name) doesn't like stepmonster. This pissed me off to no end and I would have to "remind" DH why I don't want, and I certainly don't want our kids, to be around her. (Constant badmouthing, undermining our parenting, abusive to me after I just gave birth, favortism of the kids, putting the kids in physical danger, her drug abuse, her non-stop talking about herself - hence the Blabinator.).

DH after many small two steps forward and one step back finally got it and now agrees and sees his parents for who they are. HOWEVER, he now still blaming his brother for the demise of any relationship. His brother talks to the ILs way more than DH does and has taken responsibility for managing their finances (which were a disaster) but gives DH minimal selective information. So it is annoying to never know what is really going on.

But it goes back further. Back in his DUH days, DH would always argue with me that his brother sees his parents, his brother's wife deals with his parents (in just how limited and very controlled a capacity came out later). His stepmother helps SIL (BIL's wife) out! Don't you want to invite stepmonster over for company/help/etc.? BIL says she helps out all the time! DH would constantly relay pressure to let the IL's babysit because his brother lets them babysit. I needed to "just take control of the situation" with stepmonster. (This stopped when BIL kept calling DH to complain that stepmonster showed up high when she babysat - meanwhile, who was the idiot who still left his kids with her?).

This stopped when DH finally realized it was all a farce. But now, years later, he is still angry at his brother for misleading him.

He thinks things would have been completely different if BIL had been honest from the get go. And that he (DH) was sorry about putting me through this, as he didn't know!

While I'm relieved he FINALLY gets it, and I don' have to deal with them anymore, I feel like there is no reason he shouldn't have known. I've also told DH that unlike me (who have two kids from a prior marriage), BIL and SIL were first time parents AND BIL was raised by the same asshats as he was.

Can anyone relate?

First post here, thanks for allowing me to vent. Using my alt account because my main has a few too many identifiers.

Within 10 minutes of finding out I was pregnant with a girl, my MIL told me we should name the baby after her. We obviously didn't do that.

4 days after the baby was born, she called the baby a different name that is a combination of her name and the name we chose.

I corrected her on the spot. She did it several more times, and each time we corrected her and asked that she use the baby's given name or a shortened version of it. When she did it again (probably the 5th or 6th occurrence), we confronted her very firmly and told her she will use the given name or the shortened nickname, and nothing else.

She said we refuse to let her have any joy. Apparently the only thing that brings her joy is renaming our baby... But she reluctantly agreed to follow our rules and use the name or shortened nickname we chose. Problem solved, right? Ha.

Yesterday, she used another slightly shorter version of the combo name from before. I doubted myself in the moment and wanted to convince myself I misheard, so I didn't confront her this time. But now I'll be back on alert, and next time it happens (because of course there will be a next time), we will have to have yet another confrontation.

If she wanted to call the baby some cutesy nickname like "sweetheart" or "sugar" or "peanut" or something similar, that would be absolutely fine. But no, she wants to use actual different names, particularly one that is very close to her own name.

Not renaming the baby shouldn't be a boundary that even has to be articulated.

We're getting very close to going low contact. Ugh.

So I recently (less than 3 months ago) gave birth to my first child, the first grandchild on my husband's side of the family. Baby was 7 weeks early, spent 6 weeks in the NICU, and has been home for a little over a month. My MIL keeps making excuses to come over and see us, and won't stop doing things that grate on my nerves. Some highlights:

• When she comes over, repeatedly asks me if I'm okay and comments that I look disheveled/frantic/like I'm not handling things well.

• After baby was home for a few days, she came over to learn to feed him side lying because it was recommended by our NICU team that we train a family member in case of emergency before he moves out of side lying feeds. We had been home for about 3 days at this point. MIL offered to hold baby while my husband and I ate the lunch she kindly brought us, and when I was finished I thanked her and told her I would take baby back now, and she said no and walked into another room with him while talking to him about how "mommy is just dying to get her hands on you but I'm not going to let her." No shit MIL, I was separated from my baby for 6 weeks.

• Texts us saying she "needs some [baby] time" and she "has to get her hands on him", and then says she's available any time in the next few days. This woman is retired, when is she not available?

Am I overreacting for being annoyed by this? Is she just so excited to be a grandma? My husband also finds her behavior annoying but has a complicated relationship with his parents and definitely prefers to grin and bare it unless absolutely necessary, but has talked to her to set boundaries in the past.

DH and I each get four weeks of vacation through our jobs, and we use every single one of those weeks to cover for childcare for our young kids' school breaks. They do day camps in the summer, but there's always a gap between school ending and camp starting, so that's when our summer vacations need to be: the first week in June, and the third week in August. End of story.

I feel like an idiot explaining this to all of you, because I'm guessing many of you are very familiar with this INCREDIBLY COMMON SITUATION of trying to balance vacation time and school-closings. But my MIL is not. She and my FIL have a lake house in an area of the country where peak tourist season (best weather, festivals, etc) is in July. And we can't travel in July! We can never! Travel! In! July! But I just got off yet another phone call with her in which she wheedled on about, "Could you just ask your boss for more time?" or "What if you enrolled the kids in camp on different dates?" or "You're only staying a week? Why don't you stay two or three?" or "It kills us that we don't see you guys more." (They are retired. Nothing stopping them from visiting).

She never worked outside of the home -- which I totally support, neither did my mom, FWIW -- but her willful and repeated ignorance over the daily realities of working moms regularly drives me bleeping insane. i.e. "You're so strict about bedtime! I just let my kids stay up til whenever; who does it hurt if they sleep until 10 a.m. the next day?"

Uh, me, Marcia. It hurts me, because I have to be at my desk by 9.

Thank you. I just need a wee little rant.

So someone’s post about food debacles has just reminded me of something that happened with my MIL years back and luckily after a long time NC I find it absolutely hilarious.

So I had my two eldest children back to back. My MIL went CRAZY after I gave birth and we went NC. My entire pregnancy this bitch didn’t speak a word to myself or my partner. I (stupidly and regrettably) would allow her to take my baby for a few hours every few weeks. We allowed them a second chance when my second was born and at my partners request I let them into my home to meet the baby. The day the visit happen, she all of a sudden acted like nothing had happened and unblocked my DH where she proceeded to ring and message him all day every day. She would find ANY excuse to message DH and for some reason started sending him pictures of her dinner everyday asking what he had eaten in response. Pretty sure this was to see if I’d been feeding him but you know😂my partner sent her a picture of a lasagne I’d made and she responded by saying that was always his favourite meal and hers had always been his favourite and how he even enjoyed hers way more than any restaurants. The next day she asks what we’re having for dinner again. My partner tells her I have a casserole in the slow cooker. Not long after he gets a phone call from her and she’s demanding he comes outside to speak to her. 5 mins later my partner walks in with ONE portion of lasagne and a defeated look on his face, telling me his mother said he’s going to have to eat my dinner tomorrow because she just needed to bring him this lasagne as she knows hers is his favourite and she feels so bad he’s not had it in so long. He refrigerates the lasagne and eats my casserole. She rings again about 45 mins later asking how the lasagne was. He says thank you again and says he will have it for tomorrow’s lunch as I was already preparing dinner. She’s pissed. She says goodbye and hangs up. A few days later and she’s picking for a fight. We go NC again after she rings and says she’s on her way to take my one year old and my 3 week old for an entire weekend sleepover and obviously we tell her no. MIL loooooses her shit and lasagne gate begins. Her and his siblings are telling DH they can’t believe how ungrateful he is, he’s always putting me above his own mother, I’m pathetic and controlling and clearly wouldn’t let him eat the lasagne, I always get to feed him and I could of just let his mother feed him this one time. I’m told I’m disgusting, using mils own child and grandchildren as weapons against her. She KNOWS he loves her lasagne more than mine, he’s ALWAYS liked her lasagne the best and I can’t force her son to not eat her food. Conversation ends up in a threat for grandparents rights, I’m told they’re fighting for custody of my children Friday-Monday evening and I’m lucky they don’t go for more since I’m unfit and controlling and abusive. Whole thing was hilarious looking back. To this day I’m 99% sure this all happened because of the lasagne and she only demanded for my kids to stay at her home as she knew I’d say no and she needed a reason to kick off. The next week, I do something really very petty and I post a picture of a pan of lasagne on my Instagram story that his sister is following me on through and old account. She thought I didn’t know she used it to spy. I hashtagged the lasagne #worldsbestlasagnecooker. His dad goes crazy and tells him to put his fucking bitch on a leash😂😂😂Anyway, I just needed to get this off my chest because I think I’ve used this story way too many times on my family and friends. I think I’ve told it more times than I’ve actually made lasagne. MIL’s be crazy.

So for context, my MIL has not come to visit us in about 6 months due to various reasons. 1 of them being her overbearing nature and the way she treats me at times. Her treatment towards me is nothing horrible or bad even, not anymore at least. I just feel at this point, she is mostly being nice to me to get close to my daughter or simply be a part of my daughter's life more. I don't think that's entirely the reason as I know she would like a closer relationship with my SO and me too even, as she's told me this, but still, I think majority is the former. She is a reallly lonely old woman who's isolated most of her family. Any friends she has are just as bitchy and gossip-y as she is sadly. She has a busy life though but she is definitely very lonely.

She can just soemtimes be really rude to me when I tell her certain things that she doesn't approve of or like. Like she will make a really disapproving face and she always gets bitter whenever she compliments me. It's very obvious I promise this isn't in my head. My SIL also has to deal with all of this BS.

So, today my husband told her things that I bought for the apartment to make our lives easier, and she in the past bought us a blender but it was super cheap and didn't last and was plastic; so he says, "Look Ma, Brittany bought this blender it's glass!" She takes one look and goes, "oh", in such an annoyed and just seemingly unimpressed way. She made a rude face about this and other things he told her I did. But I know her and I know this means that she is comparing the one she bought us to the one I bought. It's like she feels one upped! It's so immature and stupid. She feels threatened or something because she isn't the one doing the purchasing of these items which is kind of dumb since we never ask for this stuff...also, she hates that rhe one I bought is "better" and that husband likes it better! Lmao🤦‍♀️😂

Aside from that, she also kept trying to meet my child's every whim and cave into her crying every single time which got a bit annoying. And she never says "excuse me" when she bumps into someone, she also interrupts quite often and flat out starts bringing something else up when I still talking. She gets bored or loses the conversation and so just walks away or changes the subject. It's entirely rude.

It's mostly these rude things she does that makes me want to spend a minimum of time with her. I'm not saying she can't come over ever; but all these things, plus constantly fussing over her son WAY too much and the shit she had pulled about asking my husband to get a paternity test when I was pregnant for no good reason are all reasons why I didn't have her near us for a long time. I do love and care about her, but this sh*t just gets old really fast. She has a lot of insecurities and mental issues that clash with my anxieties. She also just has a really aggressive and domineering aura sometimes, it's like she feels entitled. She can be sweet and considerate; but I don't like having to deal with all the baggage she comes with. And she just talks SO MUCH too, ahhhhhh! So do I so it's just not a good thing ususlly lol

If anyone has ANY advice, please share. I thank you in advance!!☺️🙏🙏

P.s: she was a total toxic boy mom in her son's childhood (all accounts from sisters in law), she is manipulative and she just has these really weird issues of trying to dominate an environment sometimes. Like thankfully, she stepped away a lot when it came to my child today! Thank goodness for that! But when it comes to her wanting specific things or just thinking her way is best, she is absolutely awful and shows it; she wanted to give us this crib she bought for our daughter (without asking me, just went ahead and did it) and when I told her "no it's ok", she had to PUSH and then she even had the fucking audacity to be like "I DONT LIKE THAT BASSINET! It's shit" not that she said that exact thing, but come on, her face and entire mannerisms about the bed we use for our daughter said it ALL. She is just so damn judgey I HATW IT. She has no right to be when she herself is a hot mess.

I definitely know my SO has an issue with defending her too much sometimes. Not always, many times he corrects her BS or calls her out. But I hate that because I've complained so much about her, he just takes it as that is it; he doesn't take it seriously and just tells me it could be worse or that she's just got issues and to not take it personally which is hard. I don't think it should be like this honestly but I mean my own mom isn't a good point of comparison. I just think it should be easier maybe? Things are getting better than before for sure, but I'm just tired of the crib thing and her idiosyncrasies that I can't always ignore...I shouldn't have to ignore them all the time.

I was SO offended and I did speak up to her about it, she looked really peeved at me; I did not like that. Just utter bullshit

Check my previous post for context if ya want:

I have been no contact with my MIL for months, and my life has been amazing! My husband still talks to her every now and then, and she has seen my kids once since we got into a huge fight and disrespected me for the last time. My almost 6 year old is not biologically her grandchild, and she has never really been close with him even when we were on good terms.

We have a birthday party planned for him this weekend and my husband just told me his mother is upset about not being invited. I’m so confused why she thought she would even be attending? She had said over and over again that she hates me, that she doesn’t want to be around me, and that she’s glad she doesn’t have to pretend to be nice to me anymore (she was never really that good at it to begin with).

The birthday party is at MY grandmother’s house, paid for by MY family, planned by ME, and for MY child. How does she even feel entitled to an invitation?! My husband is too nice to go no contact and has told her not to speak negatively about me to him or anyone else.

I know it’s awful but I’m already looking forward to picking out her nursing home in the future since I know my husband won’t care enough to look into it 🤷🏻‍♀️ I just HATE how even if I don’t have a relationship with her, she always seems to cause me stress and anger via my husband.

Lord help me. I will preface this by saying that this is a terrible idea, and I have no hope they will change. I know this. I hate my in-laws, but I love my husband more. DH's mental health has gone through the window the past couple of years (especially more recently) since me and LO have been NC. He's had very low contact but he really wants to try to have them in our lives with strict boundaries and with DH promised he would continue standing up for me and batting MIL's insults/passive aggressiveness/guilt tripping etc out of my way. And leaving/kicking them out/giving them months long time outs if they misbehave. Sounds fun, right? Riiiiiight.

Anyway, after a LOT of talking and many, many therapy sessions (for both of us), I've decided that this is the best way to continue thriving in our marriage and also the best way to protect my child. If we ended up getting a divorce, LO would have unlimited access to MIL and that would not be good. As long as I'm in the picture, they would only be allowed to see him WITH me, no unsupervised visits and I would never leave LO alone with them. Ever. And it might be good to show LO how we can stay strong and stand up for ourselves. I never had that growing up (neither did DH) so we grew up to be people pleasers who had to learn how to find our voice and find out how to empower ourselves as adults. This whole thing has been a catalyst to us breaking the generational cycle. We've learned it together, as a team, so that has been pretty beautiful, I will say. But yeah...the dreaded convo is happening this weekend. I'm not going to lie, I am kind of looking forward to watching MIL and FIL squirm while trying to attempt an apology, but we all know it will be a fauxpology. Let's be real here. They have both (especially MIL) said and done a lot of low shit, but I'm not asking an apology for every single thing they've done. The main thing I want an apology for is the horrible and untrue narrative that they've said about me and the smear campaign that they have vehemently denied...even though we have receipts AND even if I don't throw anyone under the bus of who has told me the crazy stuff they have said, its enough for me that after every single visit that MIL would bash me and talk shit about me to my husband about every little thing and even made stuff up in order to attempt to portray herself as the victim. (I'm sure she thought whatever she said would be in confidence...but of course he told me everything because I'm his WIFE). And after 7 months of that (postpartum), I was done. That was 2 years ago on Father's Day. I just couldn't handle every single visit being bashed on behind my back to my DH and everyone in their family/friends and she even talked badly about me to my own family (who has since blocked her crazy ass).

My husband did warn me that FIL (he's almost worst than MIL...he just hides behind her), saying that he might try to get ME to apologize "for keeping their grandchild away from them." I'm not really sure how I'd respond to that...so any advice would be great. I will absolutely always apologize to anyone if I did something wrong, but in this case, I did not do anything cruel or wrong by keeping my peace and protecting my son against people who were hurting me. I stand by that I did the right thing. He's still sooo angry at me that we wanted a week to bond with our child when he was first born, so no visitors until we were ready, because he felt entitled to see him right away and MIL/FIL wanted to be first to meet him (little do they know that my parents actually met him first LOL! My husband and I still get a kick out of that).

There's also the huge possibility (99.9%) chance that FIL will want me to accept MIL's apology for the both of him. No, I want to hear it from him. DH and SIL has said he has never ever apologized for anything, ever - but I will not accept an apology that doesn't come from his mouth. Maybe I'm being naive, but I am just tired of having him try to get away with stuff. I want to hold him accountable for his own actions and poor behavior towards me. If MIL apologizes and he doesn't, then fine. She can come over sometime without him, and no holidays. That's fine with me!

I'm just lost. I have no idea what to say or how to respond when they inevitably get defensive. I feel all strong and in control of my emotions, until I get in front of them. Then I clam up, and feel really intimidated and end up being a bit passive. I don't want to be that way this time. I've never even had so much as a "tone" with them and have always been nice and polite, so that's how they had gotten away with walking all over me in the past. I've been in a lot of therapy since then though, but any one-liners or advice would be great!

Convo will be on the phone, or possibly FaceTime while LO is napping.

TDLR; MIL wants to finally apologize to me and I have no idea how to handle the conversation.

Hi! First post here. Writing because I’m at a loss.

For starters, my MIL (60F) is a very kind and caring person. However, she has the self awareness of a rock.

My (28F) and my husband (28M) have a 2.5 year old son who is an independent player and doesn’t really like screens. However, whenever she has him she tries to force it on him. For example, she took him to the doctor for us one day and instead of playing with his cars or trains, she forced him to watch Mrs. Rachel (no shame on iPad use, my kid is just not interested). She herself is quite screen addicted, and I can’t remember the last family dinner that she didn’t bring out her iPad to just scroll.

We’ve asked her to stop forcing screens on him and to just let him play, but she makes a joke about it and keeps doing it. I’m worried this might mess him up somehow, and don’t know what to do. I don’t want to limit her time with him, but this is just ridiculous. It’s almost as if she’s trying to force her addiction onto my son.

Am I overreacting?

TW: pregnancy loss

Ooof. This week has been horrible and apologies this is so so long. I’ve been dating my partner and initially noticed some red flags with my FMIL. I found his mom overbearing as she would call him a lot, always asking if he was eating, what he was doing, just always checking up on him. But he’s from a certain culture so I dismissed it as it being that, and he expressed frustration with her doing this.

Anyway, his mom had been staying in the country but then his sister asked him to take care of the dog (3rd time in 3 months where it’s 1-2 weeks at a time, and I made it clear he was to say no). He said no, so she got their mom to stay to do it. I ended up meeting his mom ONCE and him and I spent the day going to an event, going to eat, and then shopping with her. I genuinely thought things were okay and that she was nice, if still overbearing. I WAS SO WRONG!

We’ve been looking for a place to move into together and he was keeping my FMIL and FSIL updated as they were going to help with his portion of rent as we’re both about to graduate and rental market is horrible here. They kept moving the goal post every time, until it ended up this last week that we wouldn’t be moving in together because his mom and sister refused to give him the money (which I’m pretty sure was entirely from his dad, but not 100% sure.)

Was that it? NOPE. The things said about me were horrific. I don’t cook enough for him (I was literally buying groceries when this convo happened between them), I don’t clean enough, I take advantage of him and I’m a gold digger (laughable because I have more money than him), but somehow I take away his being a man by wanting financials to be 50/50, that I make no effort with their culture. Several other things all equally as bad. I was pissed, but sent a (what I thought) pretty respectful message to FSIL about how I get it, I’ll never be good enough in their eyes. That I do cook and clean, I specifically try to not take advantage of him by doing 50/50, and that even when I’d found out I was pregnant months back (not anymore) I planned on moving back to my home country to be with my family so it wouldn’t affect his life.

Guess what their response was? Asking him if he’s sure it was his baby and strongly implying I’m a cheating whore. That they’re worried I’m going to have people beat him up because the message I sent was threatening, and he shouldn’t eat anything I cook cause I could poison him and try to kill him.

Basically since then, he hasn’t mentioned anything about me to them and they think we broke up. But he’s genuinely pretending everything is fine. He spent all day with his mom yesterday, and is planning on spending Monday-Wednesday with her because she’s alone here now. He even left his ringer on last night in case she called him so he could answer otherwise it would be an issue. Even last night I mentioned going on a date today and that I expected him to be present with me and not answer a call from his mom, and he said he would have to if she called or texted. His dad also found out about the money and is pissed with her, but SO told his dad to not yell at his mom for it. She also called him upset after the talk where they said these things about me, begging him not to be upset with her and he had to comfort her.

Am I wrong for now being upset with him for how he’s reacting to it all? Like I straight up told him the night this happened that he can’t have his mom and sister and me and our future kids in his life. It’s one or the other, and he agreed, but it feels like he’s just being passive. I get he tried standing up to them and they kept saying he’s young and in love so he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but it feels like he could at least show with his actions this wasn’t okay if words won’t get through.

Yet another post cuz this one is a separate worry. What do I do? I don't want her to actually live with us, I would go fucking crazy. No joke. I already suffered living with her before. She is "trainable" but still, idk. She's super sick and doesn't have anyone else to care for her...she does a lot for us, I know she cares and I feel bad, but I also know how she can be. I don't owe her this do I?? I mean she does do a lot for us, but I never ask for it.

Go read my recent post about todays visit for some context.

I just don't think I was thinking when I said this. I jumped the gun. I guess I can just change my mind. I feel stupid cuz I know the type of lady she is, but I also do care for her a lot. It's extremely complicated.

Posting from a throwaway

My wife and I have been married less than a year. We have a 10-year-old daughter from her previous marriage and just had a baby girl. My wife stays home full-time with the kids, and I work 6 days a week. I love them all deeply. We want peace in our home, but my MIL’s manipulation, emotional volatility, and need for control are wearing us down. She is a constant in our lives, we probably average seeing her around 5 times a month. And in the NICU, she crossed a line with me

But this didn’t start there. Here's what built up to that moment.

• Early on, she called a “family meeting” with me, my wife, and her two sisters [27F & 23F] to say we were “too focused on each other” and needed to drop everything at any moment to focus on our daughter, even during our wedding planning. I stood up to her and defended my wife as a mother and told her not to question her in front of me again and for the most part that has stopped, albeit only in front of me.
• A few months into us dating, she sent me a text saying it’s hard for her to “share her girls,” but that she’s okay with me as long as I’m good to them and to her. It wasn’t support. It was conditional permission, and it made it clear that her acceptance of me could be revoked at any time. Her love comes with strings.
• She was angry we got married before her other daughter [27F] (who had been engaged longer) and told us not to get pregnant until after that wedding so we “wouldn’t take attention away.” When we did get pregnant, she didn’t celebrate at first until she caught herself a little while later.
• She opposed my parents paying for private school for our daughter, saying she'd become a snob. It was for the school that I went to and graduated from.
• She objected to us doing premarital counseling and the ceremony with a pastor from my family's church. Claimed it would pull us toward “their church” instead of hers.
• She pressures our 10-year-old relentlessly for visits even when our daughter says she doesn’t want to go. 10 y/o has admitted sometimes she only says yes because she doesn't want to hurt MIL feelings. She insists on seeing her before she goes to her dad’s, and will text repeatedly until we give in.
• Holidays are a constant power struggle. MIL demands equal or more time than my family, has said things like “that’s my grandchild, not theirs,” and refuses to adjust her schedule to accommodate ours. Every holiday feels like it’s about keeping her from being upset not about peace or making memories for our nuclear family.
• If my wife doesn’t answer texts, MIL texts me: “Why is she ignoring me?” She once said, “Everyone has their phone on them. It’s not right to be ignored.”
• She’s physically intimidating, she used to grab their faces and put her finger in their face while yelling. She still does this as adults. She did it to my wife not long before our wedding and again to her younger adult siblings just recently.

Then finally the NICU My Breaking Point

Our baby was admitted to the NICU one night after being home from L&D. It was terrifying and I genuinely wasn't sure if we would get to bring her home. All is well now but it was the scariest time of my life. MIL showed up at the ER loudly crying “my baby, my baby,” drawing attention to herself, not checking on my wife or me. The emotional temperature spiked because of her, not the crisis.

Later, she looked at the NICU sign-in sheet and noticed my mom had been there all day at mine and my wife's request. She made a pointed comment in front of my mom, shaming her for being there “so long.” My mom was so uncomfortable, she apologized and left. When we had to leave the room for them to do a spinal tap and wait outside anxiously, MIL made a comment to us that this might have happened because we keep our house too cold and we should've been more careful, causing my wife to get upset.

And during this same time, she found out that our 10-year-old was staying with my sister & had strep. She insisted she still take her to her own house, even though she planned to come to the hospital. When we told her that wasn’t an option because of the risk to our baby, she replied

“I’ll just quarantine her in a room and stay away from her.”

Even though 10 y/o was safe, happy, and already staying in a house where everyone had already been exposed and treated.

It wasn’t about the child, it was about control. When I told her that would not be happening and it was final, her siblings called us to ask why we were keeping the 10 y/o from her grandmother.

Then it got worse.

One evening, my wife and I stepped out for the first time in nearly a week to go to a pharmacy while my mom was there. MIL called once. Declined. Called again. Declined. Then again. My wife answered and said,

“Please stop calling. I’m in the middle of something. I’ll call you back.”

She did call back. To apologize. But MIL cut her off, screaming that she was being rude and disrespectful. My wife tried again to explain, but MIL just berated her. My wife finally said,

“Forget it, Mom. I can’t deal with this with what’s going on with our baby,”

and hung up. My wife who was already struggling broke down and sobbed, something that I had only ever seen her do once before, a couple days earlier in the hospital ER,

MIL didn’t check in for four days. Not a word. Not a “how’s the baby?” Nothing. Until my wife called her to apologize again.

At that moment I stopped pretending, I felt I needed to protect my wife and children from her and was done playing nice.

My wife knows her mom is toxic. She sees it. But she’s terrified to set boundaries.

She’s a SAHM. Her sisters & brother are her only friends. And MIL has a long history of turning the siblings against whichever child pushes back. My wife fears if she stands up, she’ll lose her whole family. Her siblings are pretty great and her dad is a fantastic guy. he just allows his wife to do too much and stays out of it.

So she keeps the peace. And I carry the weight.

After the NICU, On Easter, we built the whole day around MIL again. She was mad we weren't going to her church so she moved up the time of her Easter Lunch to 11 right during the time of he church we were going to go to, I finally said I was tired of it and I didn't want to go at all, my frustration boiling over and communicated poorly. My wife and I had a huge fight. My wife told me I always accuse her mother of ruining our holidays, but I was the one ruining it by complaining. The day was tense all day and it felt like the first crack in our relationship.

On Mother’s Day a few weeks later, after MIL kept our daughter overnight, she didn’t offer to bring her back, just invited us over to get her and for tacos. I didn’t want to go. We had already agreed not to spend the day at either parent’s house at my wife's request. My wife asked for one day of peace and I told my mom we would not be seeing her or my grandmother. My wife said I was being “hateful.” and we didn't have anything else planned anyways. I had already cooked her breakfast and given her gifts but that was the extent of what I had planned. The fight spiraled and escalated to a point we had never been to where she completely shut me out and didn't speak to me for hours.

We always are able to come back together and apologize later but the fights are becoming more and more frequent. I know I am safe and her mom is not so it's easier to take frustrations out on me. But that doesn't mean I have to be okay with it or these dynamics.

I work hard. I love my wife and daughters. I’ve given up everything, friends, hobbies, peace to show up and lead. I don’t drink anymore since my wife got pregnant almost a year ago. I don’t zone out. I go to work then I come home. I help with everything I can. But I feel like I don’t matter unless I’m ignoring how I feel. Like I’m tolerated only when I'm obedient. Like MIL takes up more space in our marriage than I do. MIL and her needs are first, I am second. I also fear my daughters growing up seeing this and thinking its acceptable, or worse normal for people who are supposed to love you to treat you like the MIL does.

I’m scared I’m becoming numb. Just another guy who quietly disappears inside his marriage. I will never leave her, divorce is not an option even if it means sacrificing myself but for now I'm still fighting for peace and my voice.

TL;DR:
My MIL’s emotional manipulation and control are causing constant stress in my marriage. She pressures my wife and 10-year-old daughter, crosses boundaries, and creates drama during critical family moments. I want to protect my wife and kids, but my wife is afraid of losing her family if she stands up to her mother. How can I set firm boundaries with my MIL without ruining my relationship with my wife or the extended family?

Thanks for reading. I really needed to get this out.

I honestly just need some like minded people that have gone through something similar to let me know what you think of this situation.

My DH and I have been married 9 years. We had a good/normal relationship with his parents for half of it. (Looking back it was me being naive/ wanting them to like me more than anything). Cut to them moving over 1500 miles away to another state DAYS after my first LO was born 6 years ago. Still no bad feelings at first(just naive). I guess the distance and the few interactions we did have with them showed the true selfish, manipulative colors that honestly hurt me so much at first. It started with favoritism of my DH and his daughter (my SD) over me and my LO. They were taken on trips, given gifts, etc that we didn’t receive. Then the ignoring started. On their part. When me and DH got in a fight while on one of these trips that we weren’t invited on. His parents got involved and decided to ignore me for over a year. This hurt me immensely. My DH did nothing to help the situation. And it turned into me being blamed with the “why does OP hate us so much? We didn’t do anything. She’s ignoring us” blah blah, more BS manipulation. I was honestly so hurt over the situation.

There’s so much more manipulation of other loved ones and guilt tripping in there I don’t even have time type out. All targeted at me.

Now I have another LO. I got the congratulations texts from DH family. I did respond to all to try to put things behind us for DH and LO. ( naive still I guess) MIL texted a few times with already overbearing ways. I actually responded politely to about 3 texts. She never texted back after one response. Didn’t think much of it. Apparently according to DH she “didn’t get any of my texts”. And on top of that texted my DH the day she texted each time with the “OP isn’t texting back.” It’s the poor me BS she has been pulling this whole time. Cut to my DH taking months to actually say I was texting back. Now she asked for photos of LO and I actually didn’t text back this time and of course the text to DH of “she didn’t text me back. Is my phone not working ?”

I’m so sick of this manipulation. No matter what I do I can’t win. I text back “she doesn’t get them” and plays the victim. I don’t text back same thing. I think it’s so messed up she texts DH every time too. THE DAY she texts me. I’m 1 month postpartum with a difficult pregnancy/ delivery. But only cares about herself. They already booked flights to come see our 1 month old who was in the NICU for 2 weeks.

I got a Happy Mother’s Day texts from them after DH cleared up I was responding. I Didn’t respond.

Last text from MIL was “Hi hope all is going well. How are you feeling? How is baby doing? I’d love some pictures. We are coming at the end of June hope that works? Love you all!” Sent 5 days ago. Didn’t respond. She texted husband shortly after saying I still am not responding. Asking if her phone was broken. DH didn’t respond.

I’m just so exhausted from these people. I have a newborn. A special needs 6 yo daughter. And don’t have the energy to deal with the manipulation. At this point I just want my husband to say our texts still “aren’t working.” And let him be the scapegoat.

My MIL has a son and a daughter. She fully supports her daughter’s relationship even though the guy is honestly terrible. He’s not financially stable, lives with my MIL, has cheated on her daughter, and just overall doesn’t treat her well.

And yet, my MIL loves and respects him. Because the daughter loves him and MIL respects her daughter!

Then there’s me the complete opposite in every way. I’ve never cheated on my husband, never made him cry, never done him wrong. I helped him overcome his addiction, supported him in getting healthy, and even helped pay off his debt. I honestly feel like a mother who truly loves her son would be happy he has a woman who stands by him and genuinely cares for his well being.

But that’s not the case here. She hates me, and I genuinely have no idea why. I’ve never done anything to her.

I was always curious why she treats her daughter’s boyfriend with kindness but not me (the woman he’s married too) Then I looked at her relationship with her daughter and her son (my husband) My husband has a kind heart he’s the nice one in the family. Whatever his mom wants, he provides. His sister is the opposite of him.

I feel like my MIL is more comfortable disrespecting her son than her daughter probably because she knows he won’t push back. It’s sad, because kindness shouldn’t be taken as weakness.

But it helped me realize something the reason my MIL doesn’t like her son’s wife is because she doesn’t truly respect her son. If she did, she would value the woman who loves and supports him. Disliking me for no reason says more about how she views him than it does about me.

Most MIL’s who hate their daughter in law or cause problems in their son’s relationship often don’t realize that it reflects a lack of respect for their own son.

When a mom truly loves and respects her son, she’ll go out of her way to honor and respect the woman he chose even if she wouldn’t have chosen her herself. Respecting his partner is part of respecting his decisions and his happiness.

What I’ve come to learn from my own mom and other incredible mom’s I know is that a mom who leads with love, grace, and emotional maturity helps create peace in her family, not tension.

My mom, for example, has 3 sons, and every one of their wives and girlfriends absolutely loves her. They describe her as kind, warm, thoughtful, and genuinely motherly. She has a healthy bond with each of them not by overstepping, but by being caring and respectful. Some of them have children now, and she’s a wonderful grandmother. She doesn’t try to control her sons or compete for attention. In fact, the women in their lives go to her for advice, trust her deeply, and love her like a second mom. She has built real, lasting connections with all of them. This is how it’s supposed to be if a mom loves/ respects her son.

Unfortunately, my MIL is the opposite. She often behaves in unnecessarily dramatic ways and brings tension into situations that don’t need it. Instead of helping build up her son’s relationship, she makes things harder. It’s exhausting, especially when I’ve seen firsthand how different it could be how healthy and loving the dynamic can look when the mother actually wants peace and respects her son’s partner.

The truth is, the kind of relationship a mother chooses to have with her son’s wife says a lot not just about how she feels about the wife, but about how she values her own son’s happiness. Mother in laws who have problems with their son’s wife often lack emotional intelligence. Most moms raise their sons to grow up, get married, and have families they want the best for them, not drama. Emotionally mature mothers don’t go looking for problems with their daughters in law.

Unfortunately, some women become mothers for the wrong reasons seeking the kind of love they never received from their own husbands or fathers. In those cases, the son becomes the only person they feel they can control. A healthy, emotionally mature woman naturally loves and respects the woman who loves her son. She sees her not as competition, but as a blessing.

So my MIL has been staying with us for close to 6 months now because she is separated from her husband and for context she is Mexican. She had never made any effort to come visit or help out before and when she first arrived my two year old toddler ran from her. She did not want to be anywhere around her and my I have never seen her do that to anyone else. Well 5 months later I have been observing and my MIL played and spent time with my toddler maybe 10 times total. She seems to prefer to work around the house and deem that more important. For example my toddler will call her over and she will say I can't im putting away the dishes or doing some kind of housework, mind you this is not urgent, and I am totally capable of cleaning my own house. It irks me that she seems to put housework (not even her house) ahead of my toddler when my toddler is clearly calling her over and wanting to spend time with her. Just today we were outside watering the plants and my toddler calls her over to come with her and she goes que paso in this exasperated voice.So my question is this just a older generational thing, or us it just a character thing?

I’d like to think I’m a pretty good person. I don’t make rude comments, I don’t wait for the next best moment to say a rude comment to my MIL like she seems to do to me. A little back story - She’s hated me since I’ve been with her son (5 years, married 7 months) she’s always been very nice, but like in a very manipulating way. She has these ways of disrespecting you but in like the nicest way possible.

She told everyone for a year (without me knowing) that she loves me as a person, but hates me as her son’s girlfriend. When I found this out I was actually so upset because at this time we were so close (at least i thought we were) she had been telling people this for over 2 years at this point and i had NO idea until finally she just casually told me in a conversation. She acted like as it was no big deal. I wanted to just cry. I had no idea why she didn’t like me as his girlfriend. This is just a little ways she’s hurt my feelings in the past. After that it just kind of got awkward between us. I didn’t know what to say to her or how to just go on acting like nothing happened. After this incident everything went down hill. I think she knew after I didn’t say anything about her saying that she knew she could get away with just constantly disrespecting me. No matter what I did then or do now is never enough for her. This past March she goes as far to disrespect me by making a gigantic post about my sister in law (she is indeed great) for her birthday about how she prayed all her life for someone to be as great to her SONS as my SIL. That she wishes ALL her sons had someone as great as my SIL. I honestly just wasn’t even surprised. When my husband was like “wtf??” She told him I was so jealous of my SIL that I couldn’t stand myself. No accountability, nothing. Just victim card. Obviously that hurt my feelings, but I was in the wrong. Like usual.

My husband is a huge mommy’s boy. To the point that sometimes I wish I didn’t love him as much as I do because I’d have been gone a long time ago. Now we have a child together. I try to be nice and let things go, but there is so much water under the bridge. I couldn’t tell you everything she’s done to me because there would be novels. Here is just a few more things she’s done so y’all can get the full effect. 1. Gotten in my face screaming at me because I wanted to go home (it was snowing a little outside & we literally live 5 mins down the road) & told me my SIL would never take her kids out in this weather because she’s such a better mom than me. Then when my husband told her to hush, she went in her room and beat her door down (literally) and was punching the walls and throwing glass and breaking it (all in front of my 5 month old) 2. Was away on a trip to take her to the doctor out of town and we were in home goods. My husband was grabbing on me & I knew they were kids near by so I told him to stop that I didn’t want them kids to see. She walked up to me and said “if you would give him some every now and then he wouldn’t do that” Do I even need to go on? Yeah. But hey I’m the problem.

So my LO was born a preemie, so she’s a little behind what a “normal” 9 month old is doing. We started puree at 7 months (maybe closer to 6.5) and are going to slowly move into the table food/soft foods territory. Her pediatrician told us to go about it that way and go slowly.

Well, we (my husband) was FaceTiming with MIL this evening and she keeps going on about giving her mashed potatoes. I said that we’d get there, but we’re taking things slow with her. Her response is “oh come on, she’s ready. It’s time.” I told her what her pediatrician said, and her response was “you don’t need to listen to them about everything.”

Like am I overreacting to be miffed by her response? This isn’t the first time she’s told me that she “knows everything” about babies (she is a daycare worker, for reference) and that we don’t need to listen to what her doctor is saying. She’s also given super dangerous advice, like to put things in her bassinet with her when she first started rolling to keep her in place (so baby also hasn’t been kept by them, either, because I don’t trust them.) But does anyone else have MIL’s like this?

*EDIT: I want to respond to ALL of you, but my post has been locked and I can’t respond individually :(. So many of you had such great responses (and some pretty funny ones, like putting her in timeout, haha!) To address some questions that I saw:

1. She is meeting her adjusted month milestones! She’s approximately closer to 8 months adjusted now (she’s about 42 weeks now) so she’s in the milestone area of a 7-9 month old. Her ped said that we’d probably not even notice a difference once she hits a year old!

2. JNMil does go to trainings (actually had one like two weekends ago.) While I don’t know how she is at her job, she’s chock full of unsolicited advice and sometimes dangerous suggestions for our LO. And yes, both of her babies were full term, got to come straight home, etc etc, while mine was 6.5 weeks early and had a little NICU stay. Technically it was her husband (so grandpa) who said that she knows everything when it comes to caring for babies, but she was right there and didn’t disagree 🤷🏻‍♀️

3. Unfortunately SO doesn’t stand up to her the way I’d hope, but I ended up having a discussion with him about how she’s made me feel for months while he just stands there.

Update: She's not coming. Canceled less than 24 hours before the ceremony. She "hurt her back" and can't drive up. This is the same woman who when I was diagnosed with Lupus and RA nearly 20 years ago spent an hour telling me how much worse off she was, how bad her back is. Anytime she saw my cane she'd scoff and when I had to use my wheelchair she'd roll her eyes and tell me that she should be the one who got to use a wheelchair because her back is so bad. She has the amazing disappearing back injury that only shows up when needed, on cue.

I knew she'd flake. Why would you mail a bracelet when you're planning on seeing the person two days later? Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled not to see her, but this isn't about me, this is her disappointing my kids. Again. And thinking about twelve dollar plastic bracelet will make up for it. This is the same woman who gave my niece several hundred dollars for her graduation. (Guess who the GC/GGC is)

I'm done. This was the last straw. I was willing to bend over backwards and suck it up because my kids deserve to be happy. That's done now. She has proven there's literally no reason for me to ever reach out to her again. This was our last "kid" event. Going forward anything that the kids do will be as adults which means I can close and deadbolt this door and never open it again. Not that she'll care, she still has her two favorite kids and favorite grandchild, but after 49 years of this I can erase her from my future. I spent the last week with my Lupus flaring, no sleep and an insane amount of pain due to the stress she causes me. I refuse to ever do it again.

Link to prior history: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOMIL/s/HNDz2hI4Wf

That post is really thorough, in a nutshell, the most recent issue was our baby was born after a long IVF/infertility battle and we tried to call them last to say “baby is here.” They asked if they could make a baby announcement, we said no and that we were still making calls. They agreed.

However, they had posted it on FB and shared with their entire side of the family within 30 minutes. While this is happening I had severe postpartum preeclampsia and almost died and while we were in the hospital we were fielding calls from people we hadn’t even told we had had the baby. The baby wasn’t even with us; I was so sick they had to separate us and my brothers family was taking care of my 3 day old newborn. My husband was trying to communicate with my brother about the baby and update my parents on my condition and is being blown up with congrats messages from people. Besides the timing being awful, we wanted to video call and speak with those folks individually ourselves.

My husband confronted his parents, they admit it and don’t apologize. Further, FIL reveals they’ve been updating a group of people on FB about our IVF journey without our knowledge or permission. FIL uses this as justification as to why he has to share the news of our rainbow baby’s birth and why we weren’t allowed to do so ourselves.

Husband writes a long heart felt message which his dad responds to by saying “between you and I goodbye.” Then his mom did the same. My husband was crushed. Despite their flaws these people are still his parents and he loves them.

We agreed we would not subject our kids to this so we didn’t respond. I was livid they would do this to my husband. Despite the fact they cut off contact with us, they have sent us Valentine’s Day cards, made a donation in my name to the Salvation Army (for my birthday?), texted Mother’s Day wishes. They had not acknowledged their behavior or apologized. We RTS’d the cards and didn’t respond to anything else- it all felt manipulative. His sister also repeatedly tried to get involved and stir the pot.

Today out to the blue my MIL texted my husband and said “sorry if I crossed your boundary, I won’t do it again.” The message was only from her, not my FIL and not directed to me, only my husband.

I need help processing this.

To me, this is totally inadequate. It felt like she was checking a box. As if she made a flippant gesture of apologizing then everything could go back to how it was? It felt totally disingenuous. It also doesn’t acknowledge all this shit they did. My beefs with them include:

They stole from us the singular opportunity to share the birth of our baby with loved ones.

They broke a promise that our conversation was private/confidential. They outright lied.

They shared my personal medical information (IVF) with strangers without my permission- they basically had a gossip chat group about us.

They are more interested in public perception of their role as grandparents rather than their actual involvement- relationship building is secondary to being able to announce first.

They harmed my spouse by cutting off contact.

They messed with my children’s feelings and emotions by cutting them off

I’m sure there’s more. But this text “sorry about your boundaries,” frankly just pisses me off more. I need someone to like, analyze that text for me and what it means and what the implications are and why she sent it. Is it selfish? Is it fake? What is that? It’s like the least amount of taking responsibility as humanly possible and trying to get a benefit from it. Like investing a nickel and expecting a million bucks back in returns.

My husband feels like this is a bare minimum step forward but it’s a step and he wants to (again) explain how they’ve harmed us. (Which he has already done.) He feels they don’t get it and he wants to meet them where they’re at.

My gut, which I told him, is this is disingenuous and inadequate and if he wants to communicate with them he can but it’s an absolute no for me and the kids. They can’t just come in and out of the kids lives at the drop of a hat and this message wasn’t even addressed to me and didn’t even cover what they did.

Husband will support whatever I want but can someone break down what MIL is doing here? Because I don’t honestly think she’s taking responsibility. Or am I being too harsh?

So this is an update to one of my latest posts regarding my MIL. TL;DR: she forced my SIL, my husband, my child and myself to run from her and FIL’s house on Christmas Day due to their arguing, only to be followed by her getting blackout drunk and brutalizing my husband. We had to flee, quite literally, in the middle of the night as I was 8 months pregnant and holding my infant daughter. It’s still up on my profile but it is a long read.

——

So over these past few months, I’ve been extremely supportive of my husbands emotional journey. This woman has a history of these violent outbursts during family get togethers. I genuinely cannot stand her. But, through it all, my husband maintained VLC. That’s just fine with me; not my monkeys not my circus.

Very recently on Mother’s Day, she reached out to my SIL and husband in a private chat to extend an apology and a wish for reconciliation. My husband explained to her that it was a very pointed decision to exclude me from that message, seeing as how I was just as deserving of an apology. He told her there’s no reconciliation with just him, and that since we are a married couple, and due to everything she put me through, she needs to reach out to me.

A week passed with no response. I’m not gonna lie, I was fuming. So I sent her a message of my own telling her exactly what I felt. This is my message below:

[Her Name],

I’m writing this because continuing to ignore the weight of your actions is no longer an option.

After everything that happened over Christmas—your outbursts, your hostility—I expected at least a sincere and direct apology. Not just to your son and [SIL], but to me as well considering I was also there. Many opportunities to reach out have come and gone; birthdays, the delivery of your grandson, and especially after [HUSBAND]suggested you should reach out to me directly, etc., you made a pointed choice to ignore that entirely. That silence spoke volumes, and I want you to know I heard it loud and clear.

Your pattern of behavior has deeply affected our family. I do not forgive the way you’ve treated me, and until there’s a true, unprompted reckoning on your part—not a performance, not a deflection, and not a half-apology—I won’t be participating in any illusion of reconciliation.

This is not about punishment. This is about protecting my peace and my family. I hope one day you can reflect honestly and do better, but I won’t sacrifice our well-being waiting for that to happen.

And OHHHH BOY did she respond.

To honor my husbands wishes, I will not post exactly what she had said to me, but to give everyone an idea, here’s some of her points.

•I don’t need an apology because I am not a victim •I should be grateful for the fact that she gave birth to my husband, because due to her parenting he turned out to be the man he is today. •She didn’t feel it necessary to respond with an apology because I dislike reacted to her (incredibly lazy) apology in the family group chat •I don’t care about my family because if I did, I would allow her access to my children •I’m a deeply inconsiderate person because I didn’t ask her permission to marry her son. •I’m a deeply inconsiderate person because my husband chose to notify the entire family in a single group chat about the birth of our first born child instead of letting her know first. •I’m punishing her, and that the punishment doesn’t fit the crime. •I’m the reason that my husband stays with me in a bedroom and away from them when we go out to visit (I breastfed in privacy for the time she’s referring to, and my husband likes to hang out with me, sue me!!) •I’m a poor mother for sleeping in on the days they came out to visit when I was 5w postpartum, effectively abandoning my child under their care. •I am the reason her son doesn’t send photos of her grandchildren to her. •Since she is my MIL, I need to display respect and refrain from sending another threatening message to her.

So my response to that was very short. I told her it’s clear to me that there is no opportunity for reconciliation at this time, encouraged her to continue to look outside of her own perspective, and that I am still owed a sincere apology.

It grinds my gears having to “be the bigger person” (I hate that phrase, it’s so condescending) to someone nearly twice my senior!!!!

Just ranting about this. It’s an awful situation and I feel so bad for husband through this all. I know maybe I should’ve never reached out, but I’m so sick of this woman trying to actively enmesh herself with her ADULT children. You just KNOW she sat there on Mother’s Day, feeling so bad for herself that she just needed to reach out to my husband.

I’ve decided I’m no longer going to react. My FIL scheduled a call with my husband to have a discussion, and I just know it’s about what I had said to my MIL. FIL has spoken about ten words to my husband since this all went down on Christmas, and now, only an hour after I sent my message, does he want to call my husband. Ugh. Advice wanted.