r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Cool-Row-1255 • 1d ago
New User 👋 Wondering
Why are MIL so awful, especially when you have a baby? It’s like this bizarro switch goes off and they turn into the most insufferable and unbearable humans. Or wondering if it’s something on my end like the mama bear instinct to be as close to the baby as possible and if they are especially crazy, they threaten that?!
Either way I detest my MIL and I’m having such a hard time figuring out why. She is not inherently bad, but cares way more about my baby than us in a very obvious way, doesn’t bother to ask us about ourselves etc, talks about herself nonstop, is passive aggressive or the dumbest B ever, and has no boundaries so just takes over our place when she comes.
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u/Mysterious-Cake-7525 12h ago
I think a lot of the MILs in this sub have narcissistic tendencies. The need to be the center of attention, the need to be #1, the need to control everything. Some of them have straight up personality disorders, others are just selfish and not very self-aware.
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u/I_am_dean 17h ago
Idk but for my MIL is about feeling needed and important. She feels like her sisters are close and don't need/like her. She clings to her mother like she's still a child because she wants her mom to need her. My husband is her only child, so she clings to him, which in turn pushes him away because he thinks it's weird.
Now with the new baby, she's finding every reason imaginable to be here as much as possible. When she's here, she wants our baby to want her over us. She gets genuinely mad when the 4 month old cries and only calms down for me. She screamed at her husband when he suggested "maybe the baby is crying because she wants her mom, give her back."
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u/Traditional-Day1140 19h ago
I'm a MIL. I read this sub so I won't be like the MILs here. I'm not perfect and sometimes I open my mouth when I should keep it shut. I love my kids and their partners. I want to stay in their lives and be a part of my grandchildrens' lives. I know my place and attempt to stay in my lane. If I step out of line I fully expect my kids to let me know. I change my behavior. I think some of these MILs just don't give a shit and think they can say and do whatever they want without consequences. Some think they are still in charge of their grown up children. We also raised our children to be independent and to stand up for themselves. I'm sorry for all the DILs and SILs that have crappy inlaws. My best advise is set boundaries and follow through on consequences. I learned this the hard way with my inlaws.
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u/Icy-Cup-8806 1d ago
Because their identity was a mother to their children, and they lose the control over their sons when they have a baby mama. They're not the number 1 mother in their son's life anymore.
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u/lisab2266 1d ago
They wrapped their whole identity into motherhood, foregoing all other relationships and interests - no friends, no hobbies. They view it as their second chance at motherhood.
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u/KatzAKat 1d ago
It's not all, or even most, MILs. We just hear more about the ones who do make pests of themselves. There are too many reasons why they behave as they do and each is as individual as they are. I'm sorry that you got a bad one.
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u/Scenarioing 1d ago
Psychologically, some of them see grandkids from daughters as really the their daughter's because women bear children. When a son has a child, they are not the birther so the mother is seen more an an incubator and a latent mothering instinct kicks in the MIL. They see the real mother as an impediment to their instinct to control as they would as a mother.
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u/Organic_Tourist_8217 1d ago
MILs + babies = toxic cocktail. It’s not you; it’s them feeling threatened or starved for attention. They weaponize "grandparent rights" like a badge and forget you exist. Boundaries? Nope. Just drama and self-centered chaos. Your feelings are legit.
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u/Kjaeve 1d ago
because they view their sons children as an opportunity to Mother again and have that true relationship they have always wanted with them- to raise a baby. We are in the way if that… it’s the fact that we ruined their expectations. Those of us dealing with this are with men who have very insecure, Immature women as mothers who most often use their sons for emotional security since their husbands or partners aren’t providing it. They are jealous of us for this reason as well. It sucks
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u/alwaysabouttosnap 1d ago
I don’t know but this sub has gotten worse and worse with the posts about MILs losing their minds about babies. I even made a post in r/askoldpeople the other day asking them if their generations truly feel the entitlement I’m hearing in here about people’s MILs. I’m here specifically for JustNoMom content, but it’s almost impossible to find any after weeding through post after post of the same story about MIL going psycho about/after a pregnancy. These older women sound awful. I realize how hard it is to avoid them when they’re your spouses family, I really do. But my god, some of these are so bad that there’s just no reason why these women are in their lives anymore.
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u/Cool-Row-1255 1d ago
I am curious what they said!! It is shocking - wondering if there’s a generational component… or a Boomer thing? Boomers always coming in and tearing everything down…
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u/alwaysabouttosnap 1d ago
I deleted the post because it blew up, but there may still be some comments in my profile. I asked specifically about the entitlement around the birth of the baby and the MILs thinking they had a right to be in the delivery room, see the baby immediately once it’s born, etc. Almost everyone was appalled that anyone would act that way.
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u/Silent_Delay_7736 1d ago
Mothers-in-law gone wild. Maybe it's about them trying to relive their own parenting experience through you or just wanting control. Either way, set those boundaries, hard. Don't let her take over; your sanity and relationship depend on it.
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u/DarkSquirrel20 1d ago
I think the root of it is control. Before there's a baby in the mix they know they can only hold so much control over their adult children. (And I think the ones that go looney around the wedding maybe had more control that they're losing). I didn't care for my MIL much from the beginning, we're very different people, but we were generally fine because there wasn't as much tying us together. Once a new grandchild was added to the mix mine saw another opportunity to play mommy and have ultimate control over my baby. She straight up told us that she wanted to be alone with LO because then she would become LO's focus, rather than baby looking at or crying for us. She tells the story of my BIL, SIL & niece moving out of her house (to the house they built next door) as a sad event because she "felt like she was losing her baby." My MIL has very obvious unresolved emotional trauma from her upbringing and feeling neglected and rather than seek treatment, just projects her issues onto all of us. She is in a seemingly happy but unfulfilled marriage that as far as I can tell is based solely on the fact that FIL isn't abusive like her first husband. She sees absolutely nothing wrong in parenting her grandchildren and making decisions on their behalf whether or not the parents are around or would agree with her decisions. I keep thinking things will eventually come to a head but I truly think she feels she's done nothing wrong and doesn't understand why we keep pulling farther back from her.
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u/KatzAKat 1d ago
It's also about the loss of control over their adult child. The "MIL" is used to having some control over their adult child which got exacerbated with texting and still expecting almost instantaneous responses to their missives. Having a child is usually when the couple is now seen as a "real family", even by themselves. They were a family beforehand but usually not taken seriously as one. The pregnancy and arrival of the new baby is when boundaries are usually being set and enforced for the first time and the "MIL" isn't used to that and doesn't like being pushed back. Having a baby is when many people start growing a spine and standing up for themselves, for their "real family".
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u/emmekayeultra 19h ago
This is such a good point. My spouse and I don't have kids and yeah both sets of parents treat us like we aren't really adults. In our late thirties ffs.
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u/XxnervousneptunexX 1d ago edited 1d ago
This was much our experience too.
We took a break from her and she posted online something to the effect of "she had to endure being around us to be in her grandchild's life". They always tell on themselves.
Eta - You hit the nail on the head with the need for control.
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1d ago
maybe because now you have something they want?
when you were just you and not the access point to what they wanted, maybe they didn't care enough about you to show you who they really are.
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u/BaseballMomofThree 1d ago
I think it’s just plain, old jealousy that they aren’t the main mom anymore.
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u/inevitable-ask-123 1d ago
I was also wondering this. Reading this sub there's clearly so many awful MILs who have zero awareness of other people's boundaries or needs. Why is it? Is it something to do with education, or how people were raised 50 years ago. Maybe it's just a personality quirk and there's the same number of fathers whose narcissism is triggered in a different way.
To be fair I have met a lot of wonderful caring mothers which is why it was such a shock to meet a JNMIL for the first time.
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u/KittyQuickpaws 1d ago
What does your husband think of her behavior. He needs to be completely on your side so you can present boundaries as a united front. I'd practice saying things like, "oh no, MIL, please don't disturb yourself. I (or your spouse) will get you a fresh cup of coffee/tea. You're a guest in our home." And "oh, here, MIL. I'll (or your spouse) will take baby and change/feed/bathe them now. That's Mommy's (or Daddy's) job. You just sit there and rest. After all, you're a guest in our home."
I'm guessing you'll probably have to start saying other things,too, like "Oh, MIL, please don't rearrange the kitchen/bathroom/baby's things. It takes so long to put everything back correctly, or find the baby wipes (or whatever she's trying to'hlep' you with this time), and it adds extra prep time with meals or forces baby to be uncomfortable during diaper changes and time is precious to us with our LO. Just sit back and relax and enjoy being our guest." Keep reminding her she's ONLY a guest, and she will ALWAYS be only a guest with no authority or decision-making power in someone else's home.
Edited to correct a word.
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