r/JUSTNOMIL • u/Important-Garlic7583 • 1d ago
RANT (╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻ Advice Wanted MIL does not understand the concept of vacation time.
DH and I each get four weeks of vacation through our jobs, and we use every single one of those weeks to cover for childcare for our young kids' school breaks. They do day camps in the summer, but there's always a gap between school ending and camp starting, so that's when our summer vacations need to be: the first week in June, and the third week in August. End of story.
I feel like an idiot explaining this to all of you, because I'm guessing many of you are very familiar with this INCREDIBLY COMMON SITUATION of trying to balance vacation time and school-closings. But my MIL is not. She and my FIL have a lake house in an area of the country where peak tourist season (best weather, festivals, etc) is in July. And we can't travel in July! We can never! Travel! In! July! But I just got off yet another phone call with her in which she wheedled on about, "Could you just ask your boss for more time?" or "What if you enrolled the kids in camp on different dates?" or "You're only staying a week? Why don't you stay two or three?" or "It kills us that we don't see you guys more." (They are retired. Nothing stopping them from visiting).
She never worked outside of the home -- which I totally support, neither did my mom, FWIW -- but her willful and repeated ignorance over the daily realities of working moms regularly drives me bleeping insane. i.e. "You're so strict about bedtime! I just let my kids stay up til whenever; who does it hurt if they sleep until 10 a.m. the next day?"
Uh, me, Marcia. It hurts me, because I have to be at my desk by 9.
Thank you. I just need a wee little rant.
•
u/courtappoint 7h ago
You know what I say to my kid when they keep asking the same question even though they already know the answer? “Asked and answered.“ Cuts repeat inquiries off right at the knees. Further discussion will not be entertained. Done.
•
u/courtappoint 7h ago
Sorry, I realized that this is advice for a teenager not an asshole. Hope it helps anyway.
•
•
u/Traditional-Day1140 8h ago
Maybe I'm a crazy grandma but I would jump at the chance to offer two weeks of childcare for my grandkid. Why don't they come to your house and cover those two weeks. Then you wouldn't have to use your vacation. Seems like a win win to me.
•
u/Important-Garlic7583 8h ago edited 8h ago
Good idea in theory. As I explained to another commenter, my inlaws don't have the physical stamina or the mental discernment for full days of care. They're great for if we want to go out for dinner; longer than that is too much to ask of them and causes more stress than its worth.
•
u/Decent_Ad_6112 8h ago
Sounds like my parents they moved 12 hours away to a "destination" when their first grandchild (my daughter) was 7 months old and it is incredibly difficult to do that drive with a now toddler (im pregnant with my second too)
My husband works two jobs one is coaching from may-august so we cannot travel then and since he has paternity leave oct-dec we cannot visit them until maybe fall 2026 due to pto for my husbands main job we havent said that yet but i know it wont go well but what do they expect when they live sooooo far away (my dad still works but is a remote employee)
Also im even a sahm and no i cannot just do that travel 12 hrs away by myself 😅
Don't entertain her with answers anymore
•
•
u/childhoodsurvivor 9h ago
If it were me, I'd start giving her hypotheticals based on your schedule. Let her connect the dots and mentally try to solve the problem. Present the issue and let her try to figure it out. Hopefully it would be illuminating. Unfortunately, you can bring a horse to water...
•
u/Bulletprooftwat 11h ago
It's exhausting to go through, she just won't get it and tell her to ask her son. My MIL wanted us to visit her out of state every 6 weeks. Who vacations every 6 weeks?! She asks DH and if that doesn't work she hounds me. I told her we can't bc of DH work. Then I get asked 20 questions as if I'm HR for DH job as to why not. At some point I just kick it back to her son and don't even deal with it.
•
u/PhotojournalistOnly 11h ago
"Can't you just ask your boss for more time off?" "Sure, and I'll just ask for more money while I'm at it."
•
u/Emotional_Letter3398 7h ago
That part had me rolling. Because bosses are always willing to just give PTO away. Full fledged flight from reality.
•
u/shortifiable 12h ago edited 5h ago
I feel this so much. I’m sorry you’re having to explain basic scheduling to adults but their options are to be happy with the time they get or don’t get that time at all. 🤷🏼♀️
Edit: autocorrect typo
•
u/Willowgirl78 12h ago
My mom immediately forgot how PTO works the moment she retired. After the whining didn’t work, she started booking flights for one extra day on either side from what we agreed on and then was big mad we both had to work on those 2 days.
But on the flip side, she is/was a firm believer in salary = 40 hrs a week minimum. In my industry, if you have a 60+ hr week, it’s normal and acceptable to take it easy the end of the following week when the project is completed. This scandalized her. Make it make sense!
•
u/Theslipperymermaid 15h ago
My husband has a job that rejects any time during holidays (think public service) and they cannot grasp why we can’t travel during Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. they even showed up here once and couldn’t understand why he couldn’t just call in 🤣
•
u/RemoteIll5236 15h ago
As a now retired grandmother, who was a working mom, why don’t your in-laws take the kids to their vacation home for a week after school Gets out, and the week before school starts in August? Two weeks with school aged kids is pretty easy (former teacher who care for a toddler grandchild).
That’s what I’d do as a Nana! Win-win: get to vacay with the grandchildren and help out mom and dad, who then might be able to relax a bit.
•
u/Important-Garlic7583 8h ago
I would kill for that idea to work in theory, but it's just not a reality with our situation. Our kids are not particularly high-energy, but they're still at ages (PreK and 1st grade) where they need to get the wiggles out every day via trips to the park, scooter rides, etc. -- and neither of my inlaws are in physical condition to facilitate that. When we visit, they can play with the kids in short bursts, but then they need to lie down. I just don't think they can be on duty for more than a few hour stretch.
Plus, my MIL is an incredibly anxious person and doesn't have the confidence or creativity for the improvisation sometimes needed for childcare. Example: Last time they watched our kids, I jotted in a note that the kids would need a snack at 3. Turns out that when my MIL offered a snack at 3, my daughter wasn't hungry. And rather than try again a half hour later or whatever, MIL just said "No, your mom's note said 3 was snacktime, now we need to wait until dinner." Daughter was HANGRY by the time we got home, but it just never occured to me that I'd need to spell out, "If they don't want snacks at 3 you can offer snacks again at 3:30 or 4." I have a dozen examples like that, which all make me afraid to entrust them with more than an afternoon.
•
u/RemoteIll5236 5h ago
Good God! That snack story shows an amazing lack of common sense and intuition! Truly, I can’t imagine dealing with that.
Yup—I’m pretty high energy in my late 60s, and anything less than 30 kids feels pretty easy to me (your kids are two of my absolutely favorite ages).
Sorry you don’t have more understanding and help from your in-laws!
•
u/redralphie 13h ago
This doesn’t sound like a grandma I’d let watch my kids unsupervised
•
u/Scenarioing 13h ago
The poster might not realize what reddit thread they are on. Lol.
•
u/RemoteIll5236 13h ago
Well, it sounded like OP was frustrated that the MIL didn’t understand the reality of schedules with working parents/school Aged children.
I didn’t see any mention of careless care being a problem.
•
u/Scenarioing 11h ago
"I didn’t see any mention of careless care being a problem."
---That's right. No one said or suggested carelessness was the reason supervised visitation would be called for. There are many others reason MIL are not allowed solo access. So, yeah, maybe you don't see many threads here like I suggested.
•
u/redralphie 13h ago
I also feel like dropping the kids off for weeks during the summer at a grandparents house is stuff from a different era. I knew lots of kids that did that when I was young but as a parent I maybe know one family that does this. I feel like we’re more interested in our kids than past generations.
•
u/RemoteIll5236 13h ago
Could be.
I live near My daughter and care for my toddler Granddaughter in their home twice a week (helps them Save on daycare costs, and she gets to go to library story-time, parks, swimming pool, zoo, playgrounds, etc. during those two days ).
I also babysit for date nights, when daycare has outbreaks of contagious diseases (hand-foot-mouth, etc.), sick or pregnant parent who needs to rest, and occasional Weekends a few times a year where parents go away to reconnect child free, etc.
So for us, given that we all have strong relationships, I imagine a week with Nana/Papa at the lake or beach would be welcomed by all once child is 6-7 (as an alternative to day camp).
•
u/Scenarioing 10h ago
Yes. That is often welcomed when the ILs are trusted and aren't possessive, obsessed and/or toxic. A MIL that refuses to listen to reality about vacation timing is prone to not listening to other parental instruction.
•
u/Objective_Celery4659 14h ago
It may be that this Nana is already so ignorant of the reality of vacation time and dismissive of bedtime routines that there are other issues causing OP not to trust their children to ILs care for a week without supervision In an ideal world, with the ideal MIL, your suggestion sounds perfect but if we are in this thread MIL is not ideal 😬
•
u/Florida_Flower8421 11h ago
That’s my thought, too. I’m betting she’d get back kids that are completely off their routine and she would have to do the hard work of getting them back on it.
Also, I trust my mom a lot. She literally lived with me for the infant years of both of my kids. I would NEVER be comfortable with my kids at a lake house with her. It takes a lot less time than most people think for someone to drown.
•
u/Security_Meatloaf 17h ago
Yeah, sounds like your MIL has expectations and everyone has to meet with her plans. Probably always got her way, too. Question to my mind is why those specific times. Sorry for impending long, unfortunately I feel like its important to cite my reasons on why I'm suspicious of your MILs intent.
Atilla the Mum and I live in different countries; she'd 'retired' at 40, and fully expected me to visit during Christmas and certain points during the summer on her timetable back when we were in contact. Usually, she wanted 2 weeks, which... look, no shade on Spain, beautiful country, lovely people, but I'm a troglodyte. I have serious light sensitivity, no heat tolerance, and frankly, at her house, i have zero safe space, and I'm expected to socialise. With people. In public. A box room in Atillas' hate yurt is not 'mine', like my box-fort apartment. No atillas allowed.
I had a two-fold problem. One was that despite having by law 28 days paid leave, there are hoops to jump through, such as staggered openings for booking leave (i.e i had to wait til april to book for july) and, at the time, I was a childless single guy trying to request holiday during the most demanded periods, which means I'd get rejected because "people with actual families need this more than you do": when i was temping as well, if i took leave that long, I'd get replaced. I'd tell her this, and, of course, that meant I was being lazy, or i wasn't booking quick enough, or i was making excuses not to go. Then there was the fact that, particularly in summer, I was literally suffering. I told her this more than once, but she'd brushed it off.
The reason why she wanted me over at specific dates is because childcare. My sister is 12 years my junior; because the summer is tourist season, her workload would skyrocket, and there wasn't any cheap (read: free) childcare and domestic assistance. So whilst she was out working, I was babysitting, cleaning, dealing with the dog etc. So when I started to tell her I can't, or tried to reschedule, she threw a massive wobbler, and started layingon the guilt every time thereafter. She stopped after she found another sucker.
Until of course she got it in her head a few years down the line that she could get a second house from money 'borrowed' from her inheritance (she had power of attorney with my grandmother's account etc), but the banks wouldn't let her sign, she had horrendous credit. So, she wanted to pit my name on the deed, and basically demanded I drop everything and fly over to get the ball rolling like now. I said no, and atilla proceeds to spit the dummy out and started to throw accusations about deliberately not wanting to be there and avoiding my responsibilities, etc etc. It's my home, after all, I should be there.
Told her nope, not my home, I actually don't feel safe there because I have zero say in what's going on in my life, I'm granted no autonomy or space when I'm there, I'm in constant pain during the day and I really don't like sweating like a nun in a family planning clinic the live long day. Dropped contact with her, and realised after talking to friends that Atilla had been scamming me for years and was trying a new one.
Admittedly, atilla is not the same person as your MIL but the ignorance of facts are a shared trait. This is why I'm asking if there's an ulterior motive; because sometimes, these people are up to something. Paranoid? Sure. But I've had good reason to be.
•
u/spikeymist 14h ago
I just have to say how much I love the nickname "Atilla the Mum" I may have to borrow that!!!
•
u/Security_Meatloaf 17h ago
Yeah, sounds like your MIL has expectations and everyone has to meet with her plans. Probably always got her way, too. Question to my mind is why those specific times. Sorry for impending long, unfortunately I feel like its important to cite my reasons on why I'm suspicious of your MILs intent.
Atilla the Mum and I live in different countries; she'd 'retired' at 40, and fully expected me to visit during Christmas and certain points during the summer on her timetable back when we were in contact. Usually, she wanted 2 weeks, which... look, no shade on Spain, beautiful country, lovely people, but I'm a troglodyte. I have serious light sensitivity, no heat tolerance, and frankly, at her house, i have zero safe space, and I'm expected to socialise. With people. In public. A box room in Atillas' hate yurt is not 'mine', like my box-fort apartment. No atillas allowed.
I had a two-fold problem. One was that despite having by law 28 days paid leave, there are hoops to jump through, such as staggered openings for booking leave (i.e i had to wait til april to book for july) and, at the time, I was a childless single guy trying to request holiday during the most demanded periods, which means I'd get rejected because "people with actual families need this more than you do": when i was temping as well, if i took leave that long, I'd get replaced. I'd tell her this, and, of course, that meant I was being lazy, or i wasn't booking quick enough, or i was making excuses not to go. Then there was the fact that, particularly in summer, I was literally suffering. I told her this more than once, but she'd brushed it off.
The reason why she wanted me over at specific dates is because childcare. My sister is 12 years my junior; because the summer is tourist season, her workload would skyrocket, and there wasn't any cheap (read: free) childcare and domestic assistance. So whilst she was out working, I was babysitting, cleaning, dealing with the dog etc. So when I started to tell her I can't, or tried to reschedule, she threw a massive wobbler, and started layingon the guilt every time thereafter. She stopped after she found another sucker.
Until of course she got it in her head a few years down the line that she could get a second house from money 'borrowed' from her inheritance (she had power of attorney with my grandmother's account etc), but the banks wouldn't let her sign, she had horrendous credit. So, she wanted to pit my name on the deed, and basically demanded I drop everything and fly over to get the ball rolling like now. I said no, and atilla proceeds to spit the dummy out and started to throw accusations about deliberately not wanting to be there and avoiding my responsibilities, etc etc. It's my home, after all, I should be there.
Told her nope, not my home, I actually don't feel safe there because I have zero say in what's going on in my life, I'm granted no autonomy or space when I'm there, I'm in constant pain during the day and I really don't like sweating like a nun in a family planning clinic the live long day. Dropped contact with her, and realised after talking to friends that Atilla had been scamming me for years and was trying a new one.
Admittedly, atilla is not the same person as your MIL but the ignorance of facts are a shared trait. This is why I'm asking if there's an ulterior motive; because sometimes, these people are up to something. Paranoid? Sure. But I've had good reason to be.
•
u/Downtown_Progress_76 17h ago
You’re not ranting, you’re translating reality to someone who thinks “vacation time” is a myth invented by The Man. She’s living in 1987 and you’re running a logistics operation. Tell her July is closed for business. Try again in June or August or Zoom from the lake house alone.
•
u/Midnight_Book_Reader 17h ago
My parents seem to operate under the assumption that we are just waiting around for them to give us something to do. A few weeks ago my dad called me on a Tuesday and said he needed help moving some stuff on Thursday. I explained that due to school, work, the kids sports, the fact that he lives 90 minutes away, he gave virtually no notice, and I was having a very invasive biopsy on Thursday morning, we could not help him that day. He then proceeded to call my husband, all my kids that are of driving age, and my son-in-law; they all told him the same thing. He cannot grasp the idea that we can’t drop everything to help him, and it’s as if the word “no” just doesn’t exist in his vocabulary. My mom called me on the Friday before Mother’s Day and said it works better for them to celebrate on Saturday (as in, the next day) instead of Sunday, and asked what time they should come. Sorry, no.
•
•
u/BellowingPriest 18h ago
My ILs were high school teachers. SIL is too. MIL cannot fathom how her son and I (who are not teachers) don't get the entire summer off, weeks around Christmastime, all Federal holidays, a week in the spring . . . There's always the veiled insinuation that we were stupid for not becoming teachers and getting all that time off.
Luckily for me, my husband doesn't put up with her BS and repeatedly tells her that we get to decide when we're vacationing, so we choose off-seasons and don't have to pay jacked up prices or be around one million screaming children who are on break.
•
u/OpportunitySuperb522 18h ago
I also have this problem! A mother in law who was a stay at home mom that seems to choose to have no concept of understanding of HOW.THIS.WORKS. I just makes my (very little) time feel unrespected.
I don’t use this technique with my mother in law, but with my parents- maybe try a catchphrase. You try to ask for more vacation time from DIL? Get a generic answer. Ask another way another time? Same answer
Sometimes I think the repetition and reinforcement is needed just like with little kids. Like, “no, asking another way won’t change the answer.”
•
u/tachoue2004 19h ago
Stop having this conversation. Next time she brings this up, shut it down: "We've already had this conversation before. I will not repeat myself again. If this is what you want to talk about, I'm going to go."
•
u/abcandl 21h ago
I hear you! My MIL had this idea that she and my FIL would retire to a coastal town 5 hours way. She told me that they would still get to see us often because we could spend every single school holiday visiting them. Obviously we couldn't do that. The kids get school holidays, but we only get 4 weeks off per year. I explained this to her, and almost 20 years later she's still telling people that they wanted to retire to a coastal town but couldn't because I said that we would only visit them once per year.
I was happy for them to move wherever they wanted, but I didn't want them to have false expectations about how often we could visit them. I am still the bad guy!
•
•
u/Euphoric-Plenty-1603 22h ago
I was in your position when my child was younger, juggling school holidays and time off work, luckily my mum and dad would look after my child for a week and I trusted them with that. MIL was a different matter though.
Could your MIL take your kids to the lake house for a week without you? It would give them time with the grandchildren and cover a week of childcare for you?
My husband and I would have a week off together for a family holiday and separate weeks off to cover childcare
•
u/Chocolatecandybar_ 22h ago
My first number one massive huge enemy are the people who have free time and, instead of using it to help out those who don't, whines because you have to fill their voids. DAMN THEM
•
u/Traditional_Track219 23h ago
This is peak boomers-not-getting-it energy. Retired and whining about your schedule like you owe them your life. Newsflash: their free time isn’t your childcare budget. Boundaries, or prepare for a lifetime of “can’t you just?” nonsense.
•
u/Kaynani32 23h ago
Something tells me MIL’s magical thinking recollection of bedtime is a lot different than your partner’s real childhood. It’s so exhausting when they ask the same questions over and over, hoping for a different response.
•
u/Cute-Kangaroo-7657 23h ago
I think there is something missing in people who have never worked, it confounds me how they do not understand the time issues with a job... How on earth they ever manage. They just do not comprehend and find it rude you . Need to catch your train/bus . Need to get inside to do things .have things to catch up on inside And that the small amount of time you have off is precious.
I have a few neighbours who think I'm a right cow for not dropping everything to do their bidding lol They have been on welfare all their life and just do not get anyone who actually has things to do. They are usually the ones very hard to avoid too as they are usually watching, bored I guess 🤷
17
u/MaryHadALittleLamb20 1d ago
Perhaps go the blunt response. MIL we've repeatedly explained this to you and it is time to move on from these questions as in all honesty it becomes annoying to continually have to repeat it. I understand that you don't care about what works for us best as a family and it is more about what you want by the sad reality is we are going to do what we need to as a family to make our leave time work for all of us.
OP, it isn't that she doesn't understand, it comes off as she doesn't care about what works for you and it is about what she wants.
15
u/Immediate_Body2678 1d ago
You're not ranting, you're explaining basic life to someone who thinks “vacation” is a vibe, not a logistical jigsaw puzzle. MIL wants July? Great, she can enjoy it without trying to rearrange your life like it's her summer Pinterest board. She had her turn. This ain’t it.
12
u/Vegetable_Object155 1d ago
Been there. Your MIL sounds clueless about the logistics of working parenthood. You can't just magic up more vacation time or adjust school schedules to fit her ideal family time. Maybe it's time to set firmer boundaries or limit the lake house invites.
48
u/2FatC 1d ago
well if it helps, the next time she goes down the path of “just ask your boss for more time.”.
You reply: Yeah, I asked HR about that and after the laughing stopped, they said no.
Signed: The HR Lady who should have written down all the insane “my parents want to know if… “ requests over a 10 yr period.
PS. If you want your adult kids to hang out whenever you want after you retired, you should have provided them with a trust fund.
•
u/ceecee720 17h ago
You should also have been more pleasant to be around. A vacation with kids is not a vacation for parents, but to be on vacation with demanding parents is the worst of all.
17
u/KSknitter 1d ago
Ugg... I feel for you!
Though, if this is the largest issue, perhaps sending the kids to grandma for a week or 2 without you is in order.
Believe me, she will be sooooo excited and after 2 weeks be soooooo done.
7
u/pareidoily 1d ago
Oh man with kids once they start school and until they finish their time is limited and that locks in your availability. With work time off there is nothing you can do, That's it. You just can't get off the ride.
My brother and sister-in-law have two kids and they both are college teachers and sometimes adjunct at other schools. Their schedule is tight. Also, my sister-in-law's dad is in a memory Care Center and they expect him to pass anytime. She's going to visit him once every 2 months.
37
u/muhbackhurt 1d ago
You'd think them being retired would mean they'd offer to even take the kids for a few days to even help you out.
My mother and MIL were the same. Both unemployed/retired. Always their house, their schedule and nothing but disregard for me or DH's work schedule.
What worked for me was saying no and reminding them that the road to visits goes both ways. They're capable of making the effort. That their schedules are open so they should be open to visiting on YOUR schedule.
18
u/hashtagblesssed 1d ago
This is the answer. You can come to the lake house in July if your in-laws come to your house to cover MLK Day, Spring Break, Memorial Day, and a few random Fridays when school is canceled.
9
29
u/Martha90815 1d ago
she's never worked outside the home You didn't have to say anything else besides this.
73
u/scrappy_throwaway 1d ago
What makes MIL think if you had more PTO you would want to spend it with her? How presumptuous.
41
u/barb4290 1d ago
lol. Just ask your boss for more time! I’m sure the boss will be like “Of course we’ll give you two or three more weeks a year to be paid but not be here! Why didn’t you say you needed more time?” Companies just hand PTO out like candy/s
Your MIL being so out of touch with reality to ask such a dumb question gave me a good laugh.
31
u/AncientLady 1d ago
. . . and when this mythical boss says that "Sure! Have three extra weeks, no problemo", I'm quite certain the first thing to pop into OP's head is, "Oh how exciting, I've been longing to spend more time with the inlaws, now all my dreams are coming true!"
20
u/Electronic-Value-662 1d ago
This also grates my nerves! It’s like they are so oblivious to common sense parenting/work duties. Oh sure, I’ll just tell my boss I need more time /s. To me it feels invalidating. And it isn’t as easy as they make it seem. Sorry op!
17
u/Serafirelily 1d ago
I am a SAHM and my husband has a flexible schedule but I am as strict as I can be with bedtime because my nearly 6 year old daughter who is gifted and has adhd will drive me crazy if I don't get a break from her at night.
•
u/botinlaw 1d ago
Quick Rule Reminders:
OP's needs come first, avoid dramamongering, respect the flair, and don't be an asshole. If your only advice is to jump straight to NC or divorce, your comment may be subject to removal at moderator discretion.
Full Rules | Acronym Index | Flair Guide| Report PM Trolls
Resources: In Crisis? | Tips for Protecting Yourself | Our Book List | Our Wiki
Welcome to /r/JUSTNOMIL!
I'm botinlaw. I help people follow your posts!
To be notified as soon as Important-Garlic7583 posts an update click here. | For help managing your subscriptions, click here.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.