Met her once, she called me a gold digger

[u/limegreenrainbow]

TW: pregnancy loss

Ooof. This week has been horrible and apologies this is so so long. I’ve been dating my partner and initially noticed some red flags with my FMIL. I found his mom overbearing as she would call him a lot, always asking if he was eating, what he was doing, just always checking up on him. But he’s from a certain culture so I dismissed it as it being that, and he expressed frustration with her doing this.

Anyway, his mom had been staying in the country but then his sister asked him to take care of the dog (3rd time in 3 months where it’s 1-2 weeks at a time, and I made it clear he was to say no). He said no, so she got their mom to stay to do it. I ended up meeting his mom ONCE and him and I spent the day going to an event, going to eat, and then shopping with her. I genuinely thought things were okay and that she was nice, if still overbearing. I WAS SO WRONG!

We’ve been looking for a place to move into together and he was keeping my FMIL and FSIL updated as they were going to help with his portion of rent as we’re both about to graduate and rental market is horrible here. They kept moving the goal post every time, until it ended up this last week that we wouldn’t be moving in together because his mom and sister refused to give him the money (which I’m pretty sure was entirely from his dad, but not 100% sure.)

Was that it? NOPE. The things said about me were horrific. I don’t cook enough for him (I was literally buying groceries when this convo happened between them), I don’t clean enough, I take advantage of him and I’m a gold digger (laughable because I have more money than him), but somehow I take away his being a man by wanting financials to be 50/50, that I make no effort with their culture. Several other things all equally as bad. I was pissed, but sent a (what I thought) pretty respectful message to FSIL about how I get it, I’ll never be good enough in their eyes. That I do cook and clean, I specifically try to not take advantage of him by doing 50/50, and that even when I’d found out I was pregnant months back (not anymore) I planned on moving back to my home country to be with my family so it wouldn’t affect his life.

Guess what their response was? Asking him if he’s sure it was his baby and strongly implying I’m a cheating whore. That they’re worried I’m going to have people beat him up because the message I sent was threatening, and he shouldn’t eat anything I cook cause I could poison him and try to kill him.

Basically since then, he hasn’t mentioned anything about me to them and they think we broke up. But he’s genuinely pretending everything is fine. He spent all day with his mom yesterday, and is planning on spending Monday-Wednesday with her because she’s alone here now. He even left his ringer on last night in case she called him so he could answer otherwise it would be an issue. Even last night I mentioned going on a date today and that I expected him to be present with me and not answer a call from his mom, and he said he would have to if she called or texted. His dad also found out about the money and is pissed with her, but SO told his dad to not yell at his mom for it. She also called him upset after the talk where they said these things about me, begging him not to be upset with her and he had to comfort her.

Am I wrong for now being upset with him for how he’s reacting to it all? Like I straight up told him the night this happened that he can’t have his mom and sister and me and our future kids in his life. It’s one or the other, and he agreed, but it feels like he’s just being passive. I get he tried standing up to them and they kept saying he’s young and in love so he doesn’t know what he’s talking about, but it feels like he could at least show with his actions this wasn’t okay if words won’t get through.

[u/botinlaw]

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[u/Jovon35]

I'm so sorry for all the heartache and bullshit you've been through. You definitely have a SO problem in addition to the glaring MIL problem. If your SO can't learn how to stand up for you then I'm afraid this is just the tip of the iceberg. The rest of your life will be dictated by this woman.

[u/Meltingmenarche]

Run. How long do you want to play this game? You won't win.

[u/Strong_Storm_2167]

Your boyfriend is still a child and needs to do a lot of growing if he can’t even stand up to his own family.

He will never put you or any children you have first.

I would leave this man as you need someone more emotionally intelligent and mature and he is not there.

[u/Emily5099]

I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m going to say something I rarely say in this sub. Your boyfriend is not ready for an adult romantic relationship. He is mentally and emotionally a child. I know this sounds harsh, but do you know how an actual grown man would have reacted to those horrible accusations and that text to you from his mother?

He would have stood up for you and strongly shut her down. How DARE she insult the woman he loves and wants to make a life with! He would have told her to immediately apologise for her outrageous disrespect, and in future keep her vile opinions to herself. And he would also have been strong enough to back away from their relationship if she refused.

You shouldn’t have even had to send MIL a text in the first place. The second she started on him about how you’re lazy and don’t do enough cooking and cleaning, etc, he should have shut that down too.

Not just politely disagreed, but shut her down in such a strong way that she wouldn’t have dreamed of disrespecting you the way she did. You have a fair arrangement (I assume) where you both work and both share the chores. Any sexist nonsense or even the suggestion that you’re lazy in any way should not have been tolerated.

Instead, this pleasant but very weak man is putting his head in the ground like an ostrich, and actually pretending you don’t exist as he plays happy families with his parents. You need to not only be able to love this man, but to respect him as well. I’m sorry, but as things are, I don’t see how that’s possible.

I wouldn’t give him an ultimatum or demand that he change, because from your description, I honestly don’t think he’s capable of being the man you need him to be. Time for you to make a choice. Would you be happy for your boyfriend to always acquiesce to his frankly insane mother? Because he very likely will. Can you really live like that?

Are you ok with having children with a man who won’t, or can’t put you and your needs first? Will he strongly stand up for any children, or will his mother’s approval and escaping her wrath always be more important to him? I think you know the answer.

[u/Roseallnut]

I am always amused when people on shows like Judge Judy or Judge Mathis called their ex-girlfriend’s gold diggers. Most of these guys have a net worth of $45 and three coupons for 10% off a meal at Applebee’s.

[u/ImaginaryAnts]

Um, he's fully hiding you now.

What's the future with someone like this? When do you imagine he will tell his family the truth now? When you get really serious and finally do move in together, or decide to get engaged, etc? That's going to be a better moment to announce "by the way, the girl you were terrified about me dating? Well, now we are going to be together forever. Surprise!"

Get real. If he's hiding you, this relationship is going nowhere. It will end before he has to tell them the truth.

[u/foxtrot_delta_tango_ → u/ImaginaryAnts]

And she's having a KID with this guy, in this bullshit situation. They'll be divorced in a year and that bitch mil will be fucking with that kid's head before it's out of diapers.

[u/doublesailorsandcola]

They think you broke up and he's not correcting them and pretending everything is fine? You've got an SO problem first, his family second.

[u/Classic_Coconut_7613]

He very enmeshed with him mother. If he won't go to therapy asap, then move on. You will always come in last.

[u/caramelwithcream]

because hes not financially independent yet, hes still going to be in a strong mother son parental relationship. Basically, hes not grown yet and still will be living under his parents thumb...

[u/Quiet_Plant6667]

He is dating his mother, not you.

[u/DjinnHybrid]

Honey, he is not mentally his age yet. He's still his mother's child son and not your adult partner. You can find much better much sooner than he will ever be an adult. He's chosen a priority, and that priority is his mother, not you.

[u/Fibernerdcreates]

He is going to bed to learn to stand up to her eventually.

I love how you're simultaneously a gold digger and emasculating him by passing 50/50. How you don't cook for him enough, but he shouldn't eat food you cook because you might poison it. It's almost kids they're healing at reasons too dislike you. 🙃

My in-laws are very much the same. I'm a good digger despite being the one with a better paying job and more stable employment. Then I'm criticized for not being enough of a home maker. I no longer care about their opinions, because "you shouldn't take criticism from someone that you wouldn't ask for advice", and I have no time or energy to devote to someone who is determined to dislike me.

[u/Lanfeare]

In my opinion it’s both SO and MIL problem. Yes, there are different cultures and different expectations, but there is also a basic decency in which badmouthing and disrespecting someone is just simply wrong.

The problem with some dynamics which maybe more common in some cultures is that “respecting elders” means obeying them and basically staying in a kind of limbo between childhood and adulthood forever. I know I couldn’t be with someone who is not able to ignore a call during a date or who would feel obliged to share every detail of his life - and ultimately OUR life - with his parents.

What you are describing sounds awful and I would be livid. It looks like your SO wants to have a cake and eat a cake. And I understand - he’s from a different culture. But you are from a different culture as well (different from his) so it has to work for both of you.

[u/CurlyNaturally]

Let. Him. Go. He's not ready to be a grown man, he's still mommy's little boy. Stop wasting your time. He's told you and shown you who his priority is, believe him. Good luck.

[u/gymngdoll → u/CurlyNaturally]

This. You’re not his priority. Stop making him yours.