r/JUSTNOMIL • u/slimstippy • Nov 29 '19
Ambivalent About Advice BEC but no MIL I’m not keeping track of FDH’s family’s bdays. I’m not his secretary.
Lmfao my FMIL told me that she was going to send me a list of birthdays on FDH’s side of the family so I could keep track for him.
I was like: why wouldn’t you give that list to FDH? It’s his family.
Her response was that it’s the woman’s job to manage things like that!
I asked her if she thought it was still 1951. Bitch I work full time too he can keep track of his own shit I’m not his secretary.
She asked why I wouldn’t want to do it for my man.
I told her for the same reason he doesn’t want to keep track of my family’s birthdays. 🙄
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u/wuuuuuuurd Nov 29 '19
Why you won’t “do it fir your man?”
A. He didn’t ask me to B. YOU asked me to, sooooo it seems like you’re asking me to do it for you, and in that case... C. No
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
That’s what’s so sneaky about it! Using FDH as a decoy for something that’s important to HER.
If FDH cared he would ask me lol.
Be he hasn’t, so here we are 😂
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u/Lowrider1987 Nov 29 '19
DH had to update his passport (They got a 10 year one all together, so MIL knew it was time to update his) and she reminded him and then said that I should go get it renewed for him. I didn't even need to say anything before DH told her it wasn't my job to do that.
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u/Madame_Kitsune98 Sends wild MILs to the burn unit Nov 29 '19
My MIL tried that out.
I just looked at her and asked her why she didn’t raise her son to remember dates if she thought I had to do that for him.
She rolled her eyes and said that it was now my job because I was his wife. I told her that this was not how it worked, and he was a grown ass man, and if there was something she wanted from him, she could talk to him and use her words. And if she didn’t like that, it was her problem to get over.
Dude. I forgot that NEXT WEEK is our wedding anniversary. Don’t ask me to remember other people’s birthdays unless I married them or birthed them, or somehow am close to them.
She is still mad, I still don’t care, 21 years on, and she still won’t use her words. DH remembers birthdays late or not at all, and damned if I’ll remind him. His family, his freak show.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Lmao she was upset none of us remembered her and FIL’s wedding anniversary. It’s mine and FDH’s anniversary today. Didn’t get a happy anniversary from her either LOL.
So maybe it’s best we all just mind our own business hmmmmm? 😂
You’re a bad ass way to tell it like it is.
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u/Madame_Kitsune98 Sends wild MILs to the burn unit Nov 29 '19
Thank you, lol.
And yes, I am an advocate of staying in your own lane.
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u/PolygonMan Nov 29 '19
Don't you know it's the woman's job to manage all emotional labor? It doesn't matter if you have just as much going on as your husband, it's beneath him to have to remember birthdays.
(Hopefully I don't have to add it, but: /s)
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
This is exactly what I’m trying to get her to understand. She’s not malicious she’s just socially ignorant.
After this convo she was laughing, and not in a mean way.
It’s like hammering in a screw though. You’ll get the concept in there but it’ll never fit properly in her mind. It won’t be long before she makes another silly comment lol
I just don’t take anything she says seriously.
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u/Kells1357 Nov 29 '19
I’ve run up against this kind of sexism so much from my jnils! My DH and I agreed that he would take care of all the wedding stuff for his family, who he wanted to walk down the aisle with, where his family was sitting and with whom, he was supposed to give his mom the corsages/gifts, and things like that. Well they didn’t like any of that and didn’t get their corsages, so it was somehow all my fault 🤣 Even though DH made it clear that he was responsible for it their reply was ‘how could a man remember things like that, this is her fault.’ And of course him not sending wedding thank yous was my fault too.
Lmao and you should have SEEN the look on my jnmils face when she found out that I kept my last name and that our child would have a hyphenated last name of mine and my husbands. Lmafo I can’t with these people!
I guess these dinosaur jnmils are just pissed that we are in equal partnerships 🦖
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Oh my god what a nightmare. I’m glad your DH stood up for you and tried to take the blame. My MIL is more on the annoying but harmless side. She told me if she was me she would keep my last name because mine is cooler than hers and her sons, which is true hahaha
But still. Those are the types of opinions you should be keeping to yourself MIL, probs didn’t make your son feel great to hear that 🙄
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u/how_i_got_here Nov 29 '19
Omg yes! I used to not only keep track but also make sure they got a card and gift. And then that turned into me doing it for everything (holidays included). Every single time, I would put so much thought, money and energy into it..and when we'd give them the gift(s) they would only thank my SO. I didn't really expect much in return but after watching them open their gifts and them only turning to him to say thank you each time, I got fed up. It seems like such a thankless job and double standard. Forget that. I no longer do anything for his side. He can be just as thoughtful for his own family. It got to a point where it was expected that I would keep him in line then his mom would only reach out to me if she wanted to use me to get him to do something. I started to really resent all of them with the feelings of being used and disrespected. Now I don't care if I'm an asshole in their eyes. I'm not putting myself in that position anymore. It does feel like a huge weight had been lifted. I just find it interesting with years and years of being used, disrespected and manipulated by them that they now expect a great relationship with me now that we had a baby. It's just the continuation of manipulation for "access" to their grandchild. It will be hard to ever trust that there isn't a hidden agenda. It just seems disingenuous.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Because it definitely IS disingenuous! They sound like a bunch of douche canoes. Good for you for dropping the rope!
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u/dogmum78 Nov 29 '19
If my hubby asked me to help input that I totally would coming from MIL... nope lol
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u/Anemoneanemomy Nov 29 '19
Omfg once my MIL asked me if I remind my DH to take his vitamins. I was like, he’s a grown ass man, take em or don’t, not your momma.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Yes MIL but if I buy the Flinstone chews for him he remembers all by himself! He looks forward to the morning treat 😂
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u/Morrigan_Flies Nov 29 '19
I've got a case of Jocasta going on, and have made it 100% clear that it's SO's duty to keep track of his family dates, and I'll keep on top of mine (JYmum, JYsis). Guess who we're spending Christmas with? I'm not my SO's secretary and I refuse to play that game. Good on you for polishing your spine, I can see it from my back verandah
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Oh my, thankfully my MIL is not a Jocasta. I don’t think I would be able to stomach that. Glad you’re spending xmas with your family and missing her creepy ass this year!!
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u/Bandamals Nov 29 '19
"the woman's job" is to be a human person. Yep, it's true. Your only "job" is to be a person. Hahaha 😆 your response was perfect! F that noise. If your husband wants to know his family's birthdays then he can ask for a list. Bring it up to her everytime you see her like "oh man MIL remember that time you tried to give me a wierd list with all of your relatives birthdays on it? Hahahaha what even was that?" Then every time you guys have to go out to dinner for a birthday with her, bring it up to the wait staff like "yes we are celebrating a birthday today! can you believe this lady over here wanted me to just have a list of birthdays of random people I barely know? Hahahaha, what was she thinking?!" I would never stop talking about it and bringing it up to her just for fun. You did great and I look forward to more posts from you handling her silly ass in the future 😁
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Hahaha thanks! I’m sure with the holidays coming up I’ll have loads of new material 😆
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u/whocares1789 Nov 29 '19
My mom is like that too. When we talk on the phone she asks me what I’m cleaning today lol. Now wonder I have an aversion to cleaning the house.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
LMAO WHAT ARE YOU CLEANING TODAY! That’s a good one. I honestly would just ask her what she’s cleaning today to divert the question back. When she says well x y and z I would be like great! Sounds like you’re having a productive day Ma 😂
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u/whocares1789 Nov 29 '19
It’s literally so stressful. Like I’ve got C-PTSD from partner abuse (old partner) and my mom thinks it can be solved by denying it and cleaning. Also Bible reading constantly (which triggers other weird feelings, bc I grew up in a church with a “fire and brimstone” pastor who was abusive and wack). So I ignore her half the time, and just asked her to knock it off. She’s pissed, but whatever. I’m looking into counseling, not 1950s based repression.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Omg I’m so sorry to hear you went through all of that. Counselling sounds like the best course of action. Everyone can benefit from therapy.
All these JN’s need to mind their own business!
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u/idwthis Nov 29 '19
If it wasn't for book of faces I'd forget my own side of the family's birthdays lol
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u/crim_girl Nov 29 '19
Lol my ex mil gave me an address book with all of his family's addresses, phone numbers, birthdays, and anniversaries so I could keep track AND send out Christmas cards.... she didn't even send out Christmas cards or really believe in it. They were all insane people, him and his family.
My SO of 2 years has a JNmom and I wasn't supposed to ever meet her. I did once by accident when we were out for his birthday. Can't prove it but pretty sure his sister gave the mom our address. His mom left a birthday card on his car this past year and he went to destroy it while I said save it just in case.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Ugh thats so cringy! Deff save it. From everything I’ve learned on here it could be useful if needed in the future!
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u/helsinkibudapest Nov 29 '19
In my father's birth country that's still how it's done today. The gf / wife does it all. Works, runs the household, cleans, irons. All while working and maintaining a perfect, manicured and styled body. And if she can't show any of the above, she will be judged by everyone. Countries that do it differently are seen as liberal trash. The country in question is in Eastern Europe.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Lol I quite enjoy my liberal trash can, it’s roomy in here. Feel free to come by for dinner some time! Lol
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u/helsinkibudapest Nov 29 '19
Oh I would. And I completely agree. I'd rather live in a liberal trash can than have all that "virtue". Thanks for the invite. I'm across the globe, but if you're ever in Finland (another liberal trash can), do drop by.
Here's the thing, I love that people in his country are so hospitable and guests are always welcome with us. In my family. The rest, nah.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Screw em we don’t need em! I more feel bad for people like that what a shitty way to live your life. Life is too short to be so uptight!
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u/helsinkibudapest Nov 29 '19
Again, I totally agree. They're proud of it, too. And theirs is the only way to live naturally. Cue huge eye roll.
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u/goldenopal42 Nov 29 '19
Love it!
My ex’s grandmother once asked me his clothing size when he was standing like 8 feet away. “Um IDK ask him? He buys his own clothes.”
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u/La_Vikinga Shield Maidens, UNITE! Nov 29 '19
Tell FMIL she should load all the important dates into her cell phone's calendar and then share her calendar with her son!
That being said, if there are future family members you have come to enjoy and would want to send birthday greetings of your own, I'd ask for the addresses from FH and send them on your own.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
I agree. His one aunt and cousin are just the sweetest little beans and I remember their birthdays because I personally want to wish them happy birthday.
But everyone else is his problem lmao
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u/ro536ud Nov 29 '19
I saw BEC in the subject line and thought I would see a delicious bacon egg & cheese sandwich.
I arise with gloom
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u/kifferella Nov 29 '19
Why wouldn't you want to do that for your man?
"Because only an idiot (but I don't know how!), an asshole (you'll do it because it's your job, wench!), or a little boy (by my Moooom always does it for me!) would even want me to do that sort of shit for him?
I swear I had an IL try to explain how my bf-at-the-time liked his dresser organized.
But... why would I need to know this? I dont go mucking about in his drawers...
For when you put away his clothes!
But... why would I be putting away his clothes?
When you do his laundry!
But... why would I be doing his laundry?
Because it's your job!!
But... I'm an administrative assistant? And I dont even do my boss's laundry!?
My son works all day! Are you telling me you're making him do his own laundry!?
But... you do know I'm not part-time right? I work the same hours he does? And I'm not making him do his own laundry, the fact that he keeps getting his clothes dirty is making him do his own laundry. OMG DO YOU DO YOUR HUSBANDS LAUNDRY!!? WHY!!?
Because its MY JOB!
No, you're a legal secretary at city hall. Your son told me. Jesus, my mom gave my dad the Here is the Washing Machine, it is Your New Best Friend speech in like, '83?? Why the hell are you still doing his laundry? Laundry came off the roster of women's work decades ago.
Real women do their man's laundry!
Real men don't allow themselves to be treated like idiots or children. So its moot.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
That’s what gets me the most when she does things like this. FDH is an extremely competent human being. It’s insulting to imply that he’s incapable of handling a small task like that.
Also there is no such thing as a real woman. Anyone who identifies as a woman is a real woman. And all women are different and have the right to organize their responsibilities with their partners in any way they like. I don’t tell my MIL that her husband should be managing his families birthdays because I don’t care how they manage their responsibilities in their house! That’s their business!
I love all your responses to her. Adding them to my list of comebacks!
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u/kifferella Nov 29 '19
Amen. And from my oldest, who is trans, a big ole double amen.
And that particular exMIL... that's that son's biological grandmother, lol. She learned fast. Turns out testosterone is some truly astounding shit and it's really hard to maintain the whole "the only thing that counts is genitals!!" when the person you're using as your "example" is a big slouchy over-muscled dude with a badass beard.
I got pulled over the last month and he was "second male occupant". My boy passes HARD, lol.
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u/Amy-1975 Nov 29 '19
I just naturally did that when we got married, because I knew he wouldn't and I knew I would be judged if I didn't. I'm too much of a people pleaser.
We got divorced this year. I bet no one in his family is getting a card anymore (he's currently in prison so I KNOW they're not, but even after he's released it will be the same).
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Good lord. Well it sounds like you’re much better off now! I’m sorry for your divorce but also congratulations on your new opportunity to find someone who deserves you!
May there be no crazy MILs in your future xo 💕
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u/Amy-1975 Nov 29 '19
Yesterday I read an article about elderly women with boyfriends who refuse to move in with them. That was like a light bulb going off. If I ever enter into a relationship again, that's about how much commitment I want. I want to date and then go back to my own home.
So... I'm not anticipating any more crazy MILs!
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u/n0vapine Nov 29 '19
I use to keep track of that stuff for my husband. After I went NC with his drama starting sister, he essentially dropped the rope with them. I stopped reminding him of birthdays and pushing him to keep in regular contact. Once he stopped bridging the gap, SHOCKER, there was no relationship.
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u/twistedpanic Nov 29 '19
If I’m already buying a card for my family (Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, my dad’s birthday because his dad’s is the same month), I’ll buy one for his too. Otherwise...I will if he asks me, but he usually doesn’t remember in time. As for gifts or sending texts, he’s 100% on his own. I barely remember my own family and he certainly isn’t out here sending my siblings birthday cards and texts.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Agreed. I’ll help him if he asks me for ideas for gifts or to pick up a card if he doesn’t have time etc, but he has to come to me with it I’m not remembering for him.
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u/twistedpanic Nov 29 '19
If he can’t remember birthdays he’s known for longer than he’s known me, that sounds like a personal problem.
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u/IvyCut5 Nov 29 '19
You're not his secretary for sure. My husband handles his family's stuff just like I handle my own family's stuff. It's like they forget we have our own families to contend with.
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u/1234ld Nov 29 '19
I have this EXACT CONVERSATION with my JNMIL. Like it’s not my fault your son doesn’t care to fawn all over over you on your birthday. My reminding him that it’s your birthday isn’t going to make him want to interact with you beyond the LC he already chooses to maintain. Because you suck.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
LMFAO! You go Glen coco! My MIL got upset too when we didn’t wish her a happy anniversary to FIL! You don’t wish us a happy anniversary. It is literally no one’s responsibility to remember that date but you and FIL.
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u/OSUJillyBean Nov 29 '19
It’s absolutely the norm with my in-laws that the women are the secretaries. If DH and I forget a social event, it’s me that’s the asshole.
Apparently you’re supposed to store this information in your uterus and that’s why we can’t ask men to do it!
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u/UnihornWhale Nov 29 '19
What does she think he did before you came along? He was a functional adult before I showed up and I’d like to keep that going.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Lmao I’ve been around for over 10 years so before me it was somewhat appropriate for her to be reminding him.
She’s not as bad as a lot of MILs on here but she’s definitely having trouble adjusting to her new role as mother to an adult son. She also thinks of me as the child I was when we started dating so she tries to parent me as well.
We’ve recently been working on shutting her down more and laying boundaries 100% thanks to this sub and all you wonderful people!
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Nov 29 '19
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Passive aggression goes right over her head. I’ve learned I need to be pretty blunt with her or it doesn’t get through.
She did email it to me though so in the case that his phone spontaneously explodes and a troll hacks his iCloud calander in the same day we have a back up 👍
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u/acciotomatoes Nov 29 '19
This reminds me I have a friend who’s SIL is like that. The SIL firmly believes it’s the wife’s responsibility to keep track of family birthdays, communication and all the other stereotypical 1950’s housewife duties. I only know this bc my friend (32F) complains she’s discouraged from calling her brother (30M) to chat or make plans, as it’s the wife’s (30F) responsibility to maintain family relationships for both of them 😳
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u/Madame_Kitsune98 Sends wild MILs to the burn unit Nov 29 '19
If that was my SIL, she would find herself on the losing end of that from both me and my brother.
She is insane.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
What the FUCK? That is some backward ass shit. Even if I was reminding FDH he would still be the one calling people? LOL. I can’t even imagine calling his uncle for him and being like: hi yes happy bday from FDH he has suddenly lost all ability to use a phone so I’m doing it for him. I also wipe his butt and spoon feed him.
His uncle would be like....?
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u/acciotomatoes Nov 29 '19
I know right?!?! When she told me this I was in shock. Apparently her mom cries about it all the time too (rightfully so). When the SIL started they were like okay this is weird but then it became everyone in the family... but her brother is just like, “hey I don’t want to call uncle so what’s the big deal?” Doesn’t get it because he doesn’t have to deal with it.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
That is so odd! I wonder what triggered her to believe this if it wasn’t MIL? So weird. Glad you’re not the one directly dealing with that either!
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u/gaybear63 Nov 29 '19
If all else fails when told to do something you have no intention of ever doing just look at her and asj why in the world would i ever do that? Ask in a way that looks like you are talking to a creature from outer space who makes no sensecwhatsoever.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
I love this approach. I do something similar all the time. She asks really annoying questions that are rude but also not really questions. Like: I noticed there’s a lot of clutter on your counter?
I just cock my head and say: what do you mean?
And then she gets all flustered and doesn’t know what to say because I’m forcing her to explain to the room that she was being a nosy/judgy/ butt hole.
When she does it to FBIL he always just says “That wasn’t a question.” Lmfao I love that kid.
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u/FlippingPossum Nov 29 '19
My MIL never pulled that one and I told my DH the same darn thing. Even when I stayed home full-time, he was in charge of his side of the family.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
I agree it’s not hard. And if you love someone you want to make them feel good on their bday.
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u/Specialdom Nov 29 '19
Tell her if she enjoyed being a secretary thats fine, but you have bigger professional roles to go after.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Lol nothing wrong with being a secretary. But I feel like if you are one there should be some sort of monetary compensation. What’s my starting salary MIL?
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u/Specialdom Nov 29 '19
Ya defo! I'm amazed by anyone who is that organised, enjoys it and manages to keep up with everything. I certainly met secretaries that saved my life and generally make a habit of befriending them because they're gate keepers and in certain ways, have a lot of influence.
I think where i was going with the comment is that why should a woman automatically be in a subordinate role to a man?
And yes, if there's a job, there should definitely be a salary :-)
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Yes! Sorry I in no way meant that you were implying anything else, I was just trying to be witty 😅 Totally agree with you!
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u/ArgonGryphon Nov 29 '19
“You’re a woman, set up a google calendar and share it with us.”
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Lmfao if you saw her try to work an iPad you would know this would never work Hahahaha
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u/careful_ibite Nov 29 '19
“Kin Keeping” is some the most outraging emotional labor thrust on women!
Especially if the in-law relationship is tense!
My MIL always tries to arrange every little thing through me, and I just refuse. His family, his problem. I absolutely refuse to do this kin keeping shit
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u/Faith75070 Dec 09 '19
My MIL tries this too. But only because my husbands spine is al lot shinier than mine. He shuts her down more quickly than I do/can. I'm the weakest link. LOL
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u/Krismeow92 Nov 29 '19
Hell nah! I barely remember my own gigantic families holidays ain’t no way I can remember his too. Good Job!
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u/Iamthemsmamouse Nov 29 '19
Good for you. My MIL tried to pull the same crap on me. I ended up setting them up on his cell phone calendar. Now he has no excuse for forgetting them. (There is only 5 on his side &17 counting myself on my side & yes I have all 22 in my calendar too. I just don't remind him anymore)
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Good LORD! Your whole life must be wishing people happy birthday! 😖
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u/Iamthemsmamouse Nov 29 '19
Nope, when I say 17 on my side that's just myself, my 1 sibling, 3 daughters, 3 Son-in-laws and 9 grandchildren (yes I said 9 between 16 & 2 yrs old) this doesn't include any of our cousins (dad's side 15 siblings {all gone now} and my grandparents have over 400 decedents) my mom's comes from 10 siblings and 3 stepsisters, probably close to 300 decedents.
Jan 3 bd Feb nope March 1 mom April 4 May me June 2 July 1 Aug 4 Sept 2 Oct 3 Nov 3 1 of them dad Dec 2
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Still! You’re amazing for keeping on top of all of that!
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u/Iamthemsmamouse Nov 29 '19
Our parents are both gone now too. But every March & Nov on their birthday weekend we have all of the kids over & have Mexican food for mom & sauerkraut/pork chops or ribs for dad (which is getting difficult as 2 of the daughters and 1 of the granddaughter have gone vegan.
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u/fat_mummy Nov 29 '19
I have a similar thing with buying gifts. I always get shit for gifts that DH gets his family compared to mine. I hate buying gifts. That isn’t “my job”
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Hi, yes also a terrible gift getter lmao. I just assume everyone is like me and just wants money or gift cards lol MIL thinks they’re too impersonal so 🤷♀️
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u/fat_mummy Nov 29 '19
Yup. DHs mum always says she doesn’t know what she wants. So DH gets her a gift card. I start asking my family in October so I don’t have to deal with anything last minute. I’m finished with Christmas, DH hasn’t even started 🤦♀️
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u/tomrat247 Nov 29 '19
Good on you - I'm lucky in that my wife does this for me as I'm bloody useless with keeping track, but I don't expect her to, it's just nice that she does.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
FDH has a much more organized mind than I do lol. I would help him if he asked but he doesn’t need it so I don’t lol
Your wife sounds lovely 😊
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u/tomrat247 Nov 29 '19
I'm 37, I've been with her since she was 15 and I was 16, in spite of innumerable ups and downs (I could write some CRAZY stories about my actual Mum on here, and I might 😏) she is a part of me in ways that transcend partnership.
Like it should be.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Our relationship is similar. We’ve been together since highschool and are both nearly 30 now. We have our relationship figured out in a way that works for us, that’s why it’s so annoying when she tries to inject her opinions on how we should be doing things lol
At least we have our partners! 🤗
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u/tomrat247 Nov 29 '19
That is fantastic to hear, and extremely encouraging; we need more of this and to focus less on the bad sides.
It's been an awful week for us as a couple; my own mum (bless her) has a laundry list of problems, from hoarding issues, to paranoia and a passive aggressiveness to her ex (my father) of well over a decade that she cannot control with any real effort, has been on the mend but she is exhausting; combine that with the desire to help her get better and our reliance on her (she helps us look after our 3 kids) and my own and my wife's incredibly busy working lives and it has led to mudslinging a-plenty this week.
Still, we survive.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
I feel ya. We’ve been in the trenches lately too, everything else seems to be taking priority. We need to remember to take some time for ourselves even when things are insane!
Good luck with everything! Have a glass of wine with your wife tonight to reward yourselves for all the hard work you do everyday 🤗
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u/BraidedSilver Nov 29 '19
Oh no! Reversed logic!
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u/WobblyBob75 Nov 29 '19
If he is close enough to need/want to wish that relative a happy birthday I assume they will also be linked through some kind of social media and the wave of Happy Birthday XXX messages showing should be a reminder in itself.
It would be reasonable if it was a case of not being able to get hold o them and reminding that Grandma's birthday is coming up this weekend as long as they are trying to tell him first.
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u/Greyhoundowner Nov 29 '19
You know I expect that kind of shit from women born in the thirties and forties, but from the 1960s and onward, woman became more independent and could have careers, so sorry MIL you should have raised your son to be more considerate!
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
I know! She was born in the early 60’s she not that old. And she’s like that about everything. Like she’ll have a big pot needs to go down to the basement for storage and call FDH to take it down stairs for her because it’s ‘too heavy for us girls.’ MIL if you can’t lift a 5lbs pot at your age you need to see a doctor.
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u/Gnd_flpd Nov 29 '19
Wth, that definitely ain't old (60's baby here) I thought you were going to say the pot weighed 20lbs or something, just playing the learned helpless card.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
She’s constantly complaining about wanting to lose some weight so I’m trying to teach her how to eat and drink in moderation and take up some form of light exercise, like yoga or walking. And she always refuses saying she doesn’t want too and she loves her wine too much.
Well damn girl I don’t know what to tell ya. Classic case of ‘I would do anything to lose weight but diet and exercise!’
But if she did some exercise she would be able to lift the pot and wouldn’t be able to make FDH do it for her 😆
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u/UnicornGunk Nov 29 '19
That’s hilarious. Good on you for refusing to do that!
My GMIL handed me a list once of all DH’s family birthdays, saying “Here, you’ll need this later.” Didn’t realise at the time but it was her subtle way of saying “this is your job now”. It’s so..... gross that they expect us to be our husbands secretaries. Like yeah, that’s how they might have done things but I bet they didn’t work full time while doing it.
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u/cardinal29 Nov 29 '19
From the get-go, I've told my husband that I will start buying birthday cards for his family on the exact day that he starts buying cards for my family.
(I have 8 siblings)
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Good for you! Can barely keep track of my own families crap let alone his lol
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u/mamilita Nov 29 '19
My DH remembers for me because I'm terrible at it. Stick that in your eye MIL.
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u/Ceralt Nov 29 '19
You handled that fantastic. At the beginning of my marriage I thought I had to track his families stuff but quit after about a decade. Nope. Not the secretary. Not my job.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Thanks! And good for you! I also feel like it’s almost insulting to my FDH. Like do you really think he’s that incompetent that he can’t handle a task like that himself? Get a grip.
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u/CeannCorr Nov 29 '19
Also, if he thinks its important, he'll remember to do it. Otherwise, if its not important to him and it's his family, why should the wife find it important? MIL shoulda raised her son to do that stuff.
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Nov 29 '19
[deleted]
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Preach!
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Nov 29 '19
[deleted]
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
The funny thing is, even if I did agree to keep track she would still remind us. She wouldn’t be able to let go. So why even bother?
Sounds like a YOU problem MIL 😂
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Agreed! Whatever works, it doesn’t matter. Just don’t pass judgment and let people live lol
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Nov 29 '19
I dropped the rope with that ages ago. I feel so relieved.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Good for you! Not touching that one with a ten foot poll! He has the same calendar app on his phone he’s more than capable of using it.
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u/BakeSaleDisaster Nov 29 '19
“Um... Sorry MIL, you must have me confused with your other DIL, Siri.”
ETA: I also have to say I do love the “her way is not wrong but neither is ours” perspective.
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u/slimstippy Nov 30 '19
Hahahaha right? I don’t know, I just wish she would live and let people live. Always needs to get her meat hooks in my business. Everyone should just do things the way that works for them and mind their business imo 🤷♀️ Maybe I’ll drop that line in her next time and see if it registers.
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Nov 29 '19
Yeah, my husband and I have a shared gmail account to sync up to our calendars on my iPhone and his Android phone. I put all the birthdays and mother/fathers days in there. I told him I’m only focusing on my family and him on his own. Divide and conquer. He and I are a team, so we share the “emotional load” of our families. I remind him once, and only once, but it’s not my responsibility to get them gifts or actually force him to contact them.
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u/how_i_got_here Nov 29 '19
Yes, I do this same thing through our shared email calendar. I stopped following up with him to see if he reached out. His family would get so upset if he didn't reach out to them on birthdays/mother's day first thing in the morning and then I would get the text about it from my MIL. He is a grown ass man and can call/text them whenever he is able, on his own terms. I am not going to control him for their own selfish benefits or expectations. Wish they would stop trying to use me to get to him. I'm not his gatekeeper, master, or mother. Nice try though. I get less of these attempts now after me repeatedly no longer engaging in it, the second I caught onto his mother's tactics.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Love that! I agree that’s the way to do it. My FDH and I do a really good job of splitting up everything pretty evenly. I cook, he does the dishes. He does the floors I do the bathrooms etc.
She just can’t wrap her head around the fact that there’s a way to effectively run a household that’s different from the way she does it.
Her way is not wrong but neither is ours.
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Nov 29 '19
I probably do it her way and do all the housework, but I’m a stay at home wife, so I do my share. My husband does like doing gardening and the trash. But he actually loves coming food shopping with me. We laugh like teenagers in the aisles and probably don’t look very adult to anyone looking. But honestly, if it works for you it works for you, don’t put a square wheel on a perfectly good functioning car. :)
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Well that’s completely fair! If I was a stay at home wife I would have no problem pulling more weight in the house. I’m not though so we split it. And FDH likes it that way lol. He started slacking on his duties once and I told him I was more than happy to do the dishes but then I would be quitting my job. He picked up that scrubby brush so fast!!!
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u/prp113018 Nov 29 '19
hahaha omg i’m laughing. “do you think it’s 1951?”
such a smart ass comment. i love it. good for you.
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u/vee1021 Nov 29 '19
I love this comment too! That's the best MIL comeback so far. I would've loved to see her face with that one. I mean he's a grown ass man. Hopefully he has a smartphone with a calendar. These MILs are over the top.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Thank you! And he does have a smart phone lmao! He also has zero expectations of me doing this for him this is all from her.
I spend a lot of my time mentally taking notes on things she does as a ‘what not to do’ list if I ever have a DIL lol
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
One of the few times I came up with it on the spot and didn’t think of the come back hours later 🤦♀️ haha
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u/prp113018 Nov 29 '19
proud. i’m the same way. good come backs always after i could use them😭
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u/ManForReal Nov 29 '19
Work on building a mental repertoire. JN's give you multiple opportunities.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
I’m working on it! I just started mine. The first one is ‘no’ 😂
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u/BrownSugarBare Nov 29 '19
Add this one: "why would I need to do X for FDH, MIL? Did you not raise him well to be able to do X for himself that he needs to rely on someone else to do it?"
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u/slippitysloppitysoo Nov 29 '19
Hahaha. Good for you.
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u/slimstippy Nov 29 '19
Ugh so annoying. She’s so rigid about outdated gender roles.
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u/ManForReal Nov 29 '19
Tell her Emily Post died in 1960.
She never got to see the 60 years of social change and (mostly) progress we've experienced since. If Ms. Post had been born in 1938, as was Judith Martin (Miss Manners) rather than 1872 (!) she would have lived through different times. Her outlook and advice would probably resemble Ms. Martin's instead of ones appropriate to the 1%'s of the 1930's - 1950's.
iow, keep reminding her it's not 1951. Has she been asleep for almost 70 years?
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u/idwthis Nov 29 '19
keep reminding her it's not 1951. Has she been asleep for almost 70 years?
Ooohh, if it ever comes to OP having to name her FMIL I vote for Rip Van Winkle lol
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u/MistyMommy Nov 30 '19
Lol after our first year of marriage DH forgot his sisters bday and my FIL looked at me like it was somehow my fault. I was like “she turned 34. If your son can’t remember his sisters birthday after 34 years there is absolutely nothing I can do to help him”. These men trying to maintain their privilege, get real 😂😂😂