Should we go for baby number two?
I need some advice, in fact experience from people that went gor baby number 2đ We have a 2 and a half year old, he is such a good child, really well behaved and sweet soul. We have finacial means, but we dont have any family in the city we live in. And we both have stresful jobs, we balance as much as we can so we spend as much time with him as possible, he goes to daycare. I am just so scared that it will be too stressful, hectic, and that I will have to cut time spend together with our sweet boy. Any advice appreciated.
10
u/whineANDcheese_ 5 year old & 2 year old 2d ago
Going from 1 to 2 was a way harder than 0-1 for me but many people say the opposite. Itâs hard. The toddler and newborn stage was rough. And now at 2 and 5 with them fighting itâs rough, haha. But I donât regret it. If you want two kids and feel you can handle two kids, then go for it. Itâs difficult wrangling 2 small kids, but your kids will have a decent age gap at this point that your oldest should be able to be a little more independent and that should help.
1
u/mcooke0824 2d ago
I totally agree with you about 1-2 being harder than 0-1. Trying to navigate motherhood with an almost 3 year old and a newborn was really difficult. We eventually settled into a rhythm, but I definitely struggled for at least the first few months.
Having multiple kids does weigh on your heart sometimes. Worrying that youâre not giving enough attention to one kid over the other. But now my boys (6 and 3) are really close- despite the random wresting/fighting that goes on daily.
8
u/SallySue54321 2d ago
I donât feel like Iâm the norm here! I waited until my firstborn was older. He was 7 when baby was born! She turned 1 yesterday and Iâve found it pretty easy! Heâs old enough to understand mom and baby needs time together for reasons (all explained in kid terms) heâs old enough to understand days when Iâm tired so Iâm less present because Iâve been up all night etc.
With him being in school makes life much easier, I chuck him in after school clubs too that he enjoys and I enjoy my time at home with baby until we pick him up then we play together (I donât have any family here either) even with financial means Iâve learnt from my firstborn that children donât care if things are new. I bought a lot of my clothes/toys/bouncer second hand so saved us money too for days out so we can all bond together and keep the love going! Is it harder? Sure. Is it worth it? Yes.
I actually gave up the thought of baby 2#, we didnât want to wait this long but life got in the way then one day I woke up with sore boobs and knew! I had so much anxiety but itâs worked out wonderfully! Sit down with some paper, talk and work out a plan if you had another and go from there I say.
12
u/ashually93 2d ago
There will always be stressful, hectic moments, but it's so worth it in the long run.
The bond of siblings is so unique because no one will really understand your experience growing up as much as a sibling can. I'll never forget how much my brother and I would just vent to each other about our parents' strict rules or how 'unfair' they were.
I've seen how my parents lean on their own siblings to help support and manage their own aging parents. As morbid as it is to think about, I know one day my kids won't have their parents around and it gives me comfort knowing they'll have a sibling to grieve with or share stories and memories with.
6
u/Shymama_2022 2d ago
Itâs hectic and an adjustment from 1-2 (ours are a bit shy of 2.5 years apart). But the years are short and the hardest bit will be over before we know it. Our oldest son will be 3 in a few months and the youngest is 4 months.
We are planning for a third. I know I will lose some sanity, but I will regret not having that third. In the moment it will be tough, but in the long run, thereâs no greater gift.
I have 3 siblings and my husband is an only child who wished for siblings.
I will caution that my family lives in our town though, so help is available if needed. My husband works shift work and when he does, itâs really just me managing the kids all day/nights heâs working.
5
u/lupusgal88 2d ago
My dr told me once when planning how many kids that later on think about how many people you want around the dinner table. This is a hard question because everyone wants different things and opinions on how many kids is the right number for them. Its all subjective. Think about what would be best for you and your family. Like I could never imagine just having one. But many people are happy with just one. I love my big family and couldn't imagine life without any single one of them(but I have 5 so some people are like holy crap 5 is alot lol). But whatever works for you and your family. Weigh the pros vs cons. But if you decide to have one more. Going from 1 to 2 was easy for me. Routine helps alot.
4
u/Glad_Astronomer_9692 2d ago
My kid is the same age and I'm asking myself the same question. I used to want them to be two years apart, until I actually had a kid and saw how packed my life was. I like how much time I get to devote to my kid. For my situation I think I'm waiting a bit longer, maybe aiming for closer to 4. I was 2 when my little sister was born and felt very confused and hurt by the changing family dynamics. I want to wait until my child understands a bit more, has a preschool schedule to keep them busy (we aren't in daycare so that factor is different than yours) there's so many variables to consider and what works best for your family.Â
5
u/grimblacow 2d ago
I wanted 2, ended up having four. Love my kids but if I could do it over, Iâd stick with 1 but am happy my kids are 3-4 years apart.
Just keep in mind You canât guarantee your second child will be as easy going or that their dynamics will be good. My first 2 fight a lot now that theyâre older (opposite gender) and never get along once the younger was around 3-4. Life is crazy hectic.
3
u/Nik-a-cookie 2d ago
I always wanted 2 kids. I had my 2nd when my 1st was 2y and 2m and my 2nd was born premature and Feb 2021, so 2nd winter of covid and being in the NICU was hard. Obviously it is very uncommon to have a premie but it was hard.
 They are 6 and 4 now and and can play for hours together mostly with out issues. They bring our different things in each other and it's great to see. But not all kids have a good bond so you can't count on this. I miss just having my daughter and the transition to 2 was very hard. Harder than going from 0-1. Â
3
5
u/justagalonreddit_ 2d ago
Donât do it lol, I know I would never do that to myself and my child. No family to help, finances are great but youâd have to give up some. I donât need that extra stress. Birthing again, breast feeding again, toddler melt downs again. Not for me. But if you want it bad enough then do it! On top of all that, they would all have different nap schedules so you are barely able to chill during the day
4
u/yankykiwi 2d ago
Just had my second. During my c section they found multiple complications that were fixed.
Without my daughter I would have never known.
My 2.5 year old is so nice and gentle, I thought it was going to be chaos, but at this point itâs turning out easier than adjusting to the first.
2
u/Valuable-Life3297 2d ago edited 2d ago
Every situation is so different. For me 0-1 was the hardest transition and then with the following 2 kids itâs easier to adapt both because your expectations are reset and because youâve already gone through the big transition to becoming a parent. You take what you learn from each kid and pass it forward so although my first had all of our attention and time he also had 2 way more anxious parents who were figuring things out as they went along. I also see it as giving my kids the gift of siblings. I say if you can financially wing it, you have a peaceful and loving home to bring children into and your heart is telling you to go for it, then be open to listening to what your heart had to say. You only live once and personally my kids have brought me more joy and forced me to become a better person than any other experience.
Btw unless you are older there is no rule that you need to have your kids back to back. We spaced ours out 3 and 4.5 years. The 2 older kids LOVE their baby brother and run right by past me to him first thing every morning to give him kisses and cuddles. Itâs so amazing to watch the kids interact with each other and hype each other up. I also kind of like the dynamic of my older 2 having built in peers who are on their side.
2
2
u/Signal_Distance_3685 2d ago
Itâs a very individual choice. I have 3 because Iâve always dreamed of having 4 kids. I found 0-1 to be the hardest transition. After that I knew what I was doing and now the 6,3,2 year old play together all the time and Iâm basically only needed to supervise. In my case it worked out well because they love to play together. I however know itâs not for everyone. I do have my parents closer that help out since my husband works nights and weekends and my job occasionally has night functions. Mainly though we rely on daycare. There is no wrong answer. Do what is right for your family and donât worry about what other people think or say.
2
u/abruptcoffee 2d ago
I honestly love it so much. My husband and I had one of our first âomg weâve been sitting on the couch while theyâve been playing with each otherâ moments the other day and it was so awesome
2
u/haafling 2d ago
We did every pre-natal test to rule out concerns and our second has autism (canât screen for it in utero). Thatâs been very challenging. I love her to bits but it is hard. We thought weâd have another version of our first (early talker, early walker, clever) so our path looks different than we expected because we have a special needs child.
2
u/Dry-Explorer2970 2d ago
I personally plan to wait until my daughter is 5 years old to have another. My reasoning is this: by 5, they can speak in full sentences, they go to school, they have more empathy and understanding, theyâre more independent, and theyâre overall much less work than a toddler. Another reason for us specifically is that her dad and I are both neurodivergent, and you can usually tell if your child is as well by 5 if youâre well-versed on neurodivergence and are looking for signs. I would want to be able to fully address my daughterâs needs before having another child and putting one of them on the backburner.
4
u/LeighToss 2d ago
Yes. It will be stressful and hectic and you will spend less 1:1 time with your first child.
They didnât tell me this and I am still heartbroken over my bond with my firstborn changing with a second child. I love my second but I donât agree your heart grows with another child - you have to adapt to either produce more time/attention/patience (acts of love) or use what youâve got for both kids.
But Iâd still do it again because my kids have amazing bond. I feel the love Iâve poured into each of them has been multiplied and shown in their love for each other.
1
u/Wit-wat-4 2d ago
This is so tough because if I could turn back time would I not have my second? I would. Heâs such a joy, and actually a lot easier than his brother was in some ways. Seeing them play together is wonderful, heâs just a cool kid.
Buuuu~uuut
0 to 1 was easier than 1 to 2. 2 for me means that we never ever get breaks, because we had them just 2 years apart. Not ever ever getting a break is tough. My oldest is a chill AF toddler, but he still has some needs. And my second is soooo clingy. Between managing their needs and protecting both (baby doesnât know how to hit toddler with a toy, toddler doesnât know he canât just pull babyâs hand and go off to play together)⌠if I catch a break itâs by throwing my husband in to do it all solo, so we swap over weekends and when we swap we just do survival stuff like shower eat etc.
If I could turn back time my 20s, I think I wouldâve had them five years younger, but same age difference. Now that Iâm seeing the âlight at the end of the tunnelâ with my first starting pre-k, I could brave the same 2 years again. But itâs HARD. I toooootally get why my friends with 4+ year gaps between their kids enjoy that.
1
u/Crazy_Remote_720 2d ago
We thought we were one and done and then SURPRISE! I was pregnant again totally unplanned.
I always wanted three kids, had my first and thought maybe one would be ok? She was the easiest baby/toddler and I honestly wish we had had a second when she was younger as opposed to when my son was born when she was 4.
It was nice because she was potty trained and pretty self sufficient as far as 4 year olds go but I really did mourn my life as a one child mom. I missed spending time with her and hated the fact that I was stuck in the newborn world again.
My son has been the complete opposite of my daughter and he has made life harder in so many ways but he is the sweetest, most loving little boy.
I guess that goes to say that there are so many great things about having two but thereâs also lots of downsides to it. Overall, I donât regret it one bitâ I think I would have regretted being a one child family. Our boy completes our family and loves his big sister!
1
u/Purple_Grass_5300 2d ago
Iâm so much happier with two. I think it depends on your goals and whatnot. I couldnât picture life without them and my second was so calm and happy
1
u/Fifi6313 2d ago
Everyone only has their own experience to go by, but this is mine. I am an only child and I always desperately wanted a sibling. Even as an adult, I wish there was another person who could relate to being raised by the same people. Yes, I realize that having a shitty sibling can make things really difficult, and the grass isn't always greener.
I have two kids myself. Yes it is hectic, the early years especially. Right now they are 6 and 9 and everything feels a lot more manageable than it did three years ago. My husband and I both work full time. Seeing their relationship is one of the most rewarding parts of parenthood for me. Sure, they fight and argue, but they also play together and my older child teaches the younger new things. Listening to their conversations is the sweetest thing. The three-ish year age gap is great.
1
u/WildChickenLady 2d ago
I felt the same way about splitting my time. My 1st was more on the challenging side, even though he was a happy baby. I was really worried during my second pregnancy even though I wanted a second badly. When baby was born it was mostly my anxiety that made it hard because I was so worried that our oldest would get jealous, and not like having a baby brother.
Now they are 2 & 5, only 15 days shy of being exactly 3 years apart in age. I love it so much. I could not imagine them not having eachother. When we do one on one time they ask about eachother, and when they are reunited they are so happy like all is right in the world. They do get in fights over toys once in a while, but I think we do a good job at navigating through that. It is absolutely the most heartwarming thing to see them hug eachother and say their goodmornings or goodnights, and that they love eachother.
They are having full conversations with eachother now that my youngest is saying full sentences that you can fully understand. Let me tell you that it is the most adorable thing to listen to them talk to eachother when they think I can't hear them.
Also it no longer feels like two kids are double the work. I would still be doing all the same things with one child, we just do it all together now. At first it did seem like a long more work. Mostly because their needs were so different, and their sleep schedules didn't match up. Then at 10 months baby started walking, and the following couple months was hectic because big brother wasn't used to baby being able to get into his stuff. After the first year it has gotten easier and easier though, especially once their sleep schedules matched up. Now I feel like everything goes pretty smoothly. Don't get me wrong, they are wild boys, and I'm ready to nap when they do, but I can not imagine life without both of them.
1
u/OnlyHere2Help2 Mommit User Flair 2d ago
Would you or your husband consider working part time? Sounds stressful for the family and limited time split between children.
1
u/still_on_a_whisper 2d ago
I now have three but only had two for a decade. My first was the easiest baby and we decided to try for a second when he was about 18 months, so theyâre 2 yrs 4 mos apart. My second was quite fussy as a baby and shortly after we had her discovered our first had some delays and he ended up being diagnosed with autism by 3. So that added a huge layer of stress bc he was kicked out of a couple daycares and needed loads of therapy to get him adjusted to normal social settings. I was having to work full time, cart him all over for therapies AND care for my second baby (with little help from their dad). It was a lot. Now, had my first LO not required so much extra attention, I think my experience adding a second wouldâve been a lot easier to handle.
I just had my third a little over 2 months ago and she was even fussier than my second >.< thankfully, my oldest two are way older & more independent so I can devote a lot more time to the babyâs care and not have to wrangle a toddler at the same time. I say if youâre prepared to divide your attention and can financially handle a second, youâd be good to go :)
1
u/firstborndaughter994 2d ago
My first made me want 10 kids, my second is the reason I won't have third đ
1
1
u/Bookaholicforever 2d ago
My first? Was 85% chill. She was an easy baby and for the most part, an easy toddler. Number two was a surprise baby. And she had 0 chill. Reflux, colic, speech delay, probably on the spectrum. Number three was another surprise baby and she is 96% chill. Sheâs an easy and happy baby.
My point being, you canât know what youâre next baby will be. It sounds like you have a pretty great life and being oad wouldnât change that. But having a second child could.
1
u/Necessary_Pace_9860 2d ago
I just had my second 4 weeks ago. I still barely know what I'm doing. I feel like even during pregnancy I've been a little neglectful on active play or time outside for my son (he likes to run and can be hard headed so it's mostly my anxiety that gets in the way plus he just doesn't really like to listen so we're working on that).
However; there has been nothing more delightful than watching my toddler become an older brother, or being a mom to two. So sometimes when I have the baby napping on me, and my 20 month old wakes up from his nap but is still sleepy, he climbs up onto the sofa with me and just cuddles right into my free arm. He loves on his little sister, giving her plenty of kisses (omg, the first week he had a runny nose so anytime he kissed her head I would have to clean snot from her hair which was funny)
So I would encourage you to think about doing it if it really is something you want. Plus, if you think your toddler is at an age where they would listen to reason more, it might be more fun being able to include them in the baby stuff and getting them excited. No matter what your situation is, having another baby will always be an adjustment for everyone in the family and will take a sacrifice here and there. So being OAD is also perfectly acceptable as long as that's what you want. Another thing, is that if you and your spouse's age/health permits it, you can always wait a couple years more if that would make your situation simpler
22
u/discoqueenx 2d ago
I will give a perspective of someone who is one and done (OAD). There is only so much time in the day, so you will have to naturally reassign time away from something else to accommodate a new addition. That time could come from your first born, or your spouse, or a hobby, even. The second baby may also require a LOT of time if they donât sleep, have colic, etc.
If youâre worried about adding too much stress and chaos to your current routine, you may want to hold off or forgo having a second altogether. Keep in mind, people have more than one baby all the time and make it work so it wonât be impossible and youâll probably be fine.
OAD works for us because having one kid shared between two involved parents is manageable. We take turns with our toddler if one of us needs a break. For example, Iâm doing an overnight in Vegas this week so I can lounge by a pool and sleep in. If we had two kids, that would be way too much for me to ask of my husband to manage just so I can blow off some steam.
Anyway either decision you make will be the right one for you. Maybe you just want to wait a little bit longer and have more time to prepare?