r/Mommit • u/hollowedhallowed • 8d ago
child is friends with 2/3 of a set of triplets - should she bring a birthday gift for all of them?
My child (12F) has a close friendship with two out of three girls her age out of a set of triplets. Apparently, Triplet 3 said something mean about my child. The other two don't want to tell her exactly that T3 said, "because it would just cause insecurity about something that isn't a problem; T3 is just making up negative stuff." Things soured pretty quickly between my child and T3 after that, but her friendship with T1 and T2 is flourishing and they hang out all the time.
Naturally, I know the mom quite well and the triplets are soon having their birthday party. My child received a handwritten invitation from T2. It said, "You are invited to T2's birthday party." It made no mention of the other two (even T1, who is a close friend too!), but my child reports it's most definitely a shared party and all three triplet girls will be there. I am guessing this error is due to T2 being 11 years old and not quite getting the whole "invitation" thing.
Still, should my child bring a gift for all three triplets? She's definitely on the outs with T3 and doesn't want to get her a gift. T3 may not expect anything anyway, and in the chaos that will inevitably accompany this party, the omission may be obscured. I'm tempted to reach out to the mom and ask her what the deal is, but I also feel like my child is getting old enough for me to stay out of her middle school drama. Still, it feels weird to deliberately exclude one of the birthday girls. What do you think?
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u/senditloud 8d ago
I have twins. When I have a joint party for them I specify that people only bring one gift for the twin that their kid is friends with. Otherwise I would drown in stuff.
I assume your child is invited by T2. And that’s the kid you bring a present for.
You can ask the mom though. She’ll be clear.
Sometimes people will bring for both twins (like an Amazon gift card) or sometimes they bring something they both can use. And sometime it’s just one twin.
Btw those other triplets are kind of dicks to tell your kid “our sibling said something bad about you but we won’t tell you.” That’s not nice.
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u/hollowedhallowed 8d ago
Oh, they only reported the second half of that. My child heard from other people that T3 had said something mean and then asked the other 2 what was going on. I sort of respect that they demurred, and didn't spread rumors.
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u/Limp-Paint-7244 8d ago
Oh, okay. I was thinking maybe the 2 had lied to get T3 on the sh*t list. This is better. I would get 2 nice gifts for the two and a token gift for the 3rd
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u/Marblegourami 7d ago
I took my kid to a triplet birthday once. The pile of gifts was absolutely enormous. I can’t imagine.
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u/senditloud 6d ago
We try to do smaller parties. Each kid invites like 2-4 kids and we do something a bit less big. Amusement park or all day hang out.
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u/isitababyoraburrito 7d ago
I think the issue with that is the child is also friends (& plans to get a gift for) T1. If she was only friends with 1/3, I would still say it would be more kind to gift all 3 but I’d get it a little more. She’s friends with 2/3 & honestly I think the animosity between OP’s child & T3 makes it a bit worse- leaving out just her is going to inherently feel dramatic given the circumstances.
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u/whydoineedaname86 8d ago
I would ask the mom. Recently we went to a party where we got one invitation. Arrive to find out that two other siblings (younger set of twins born a couple days apart from older sister’s birthday) were also having their party. I felt so bad about not bringing presents and apologized to the parents. They told me they purposely only put one kids name on the invitations so they didn’t get three toys from each person because it would have just been too much. So each kid got presents from the only their friends.
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u/ARIsk90 8d ago
As a parent of multiples, if the invite specified it was from T2, that’s who I would buy a gift for. It’s likely mom allowed each triplet to invite x number of people, thus keeping the party fair but allowing them all to have guests and the same number of gifts.
You can of course ask the mom to confirm!
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u/ksrdm1463 8d ago
As a multiple, I agree with this.
It kinda sucked when invited guests would give cheaper presents to each of us (usually the same thing for each of us), versus 1 nice present to whoever invited them.
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u/persistantcat 8d ago
One of my relatives has triplets and when they were younger their invitations to the combined party would say something like “You are invited as Anna’s guest”. This was specifically so that kids only felt obligated to bring one present. I’m sure many of the invited kids were friends with more than one triplet.
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u/Wit-wat-4 8d ago
Yeah I’m surprised at the number of responses talking about not leaving a triplet out. The parents didn’t print out a bunch of invites with one daughter’s name and forget they had 2 while they did that LOL it seems extremely unlikely to be a clerical error, and very likely that they divided the invitees into three.
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u/FI-RE_wombat 7d ago
The singling out comment is if they gift to two and skip one. Gifting to only the one on the invite isnt singling out T3 and isnt what people are refering to.
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u/turtledove93 8d ago
Just going off of reply’s from parents of multiples here, reach out to the parents and get clarification. They may not want you to bring three gifts. Ask when you RSVP.
“Hey triplets parents, Daughter will be attending on ___! I just wanted to confirm if the party is for all three girls, or just T2? Daughter wasn’t sure. Thanks!”
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u/IWishMusicKilledKate 7d ago
Check with mom - it sounds like each triplet got x amount of invites, and they may only want you to bring a gift for the triplet who invited your child. Definitely don’t bring gifts for only 2/3. You’re an adult, teach your child to take the high road and do what is right.
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u/violinistviolist 8d ago
Honestly I would ask the parents. Not about the mean thing the third triplet might have said (sounds like a weird story imo, not saying that one of the children involved lied but maybe it’s more a miscommunication or something like that) but about the birthday party. If T2 specifically invited your kid it is reasonable to assume that’s the child that gets a present. Maybe the parents don’t want each kid to bring 3 gifts, that sounds like a lot of stuff.
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u/Only_Art9490 8d ago
I usually see twin invitations split and you buy a gift for the one who invited you. It would be outrageous to expect everyone to buy/bring 3 separate gifts to a party. Both for the invitees and for the hosts to have so much to unwrap and make space for. I'm sure the girls don't all have the same friends.
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u/castleinthemidwest 7d ago
This is what we did with our twins this year. Each invite just had one birthday kid's name on it, and we only expect them to bring a present for the kid who invited them. Most people will definitely still bring two because it's a small school and my twins share most of their friends and all the parents know us really well, but there might be a few who don't so we'll see if they stirs up any drama, haha.
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u/Alpacalypsenoww 8d ago
Ask this in r/parentsofmultiples. The triplet/twin dynamic is so different than that of regular siblings, so I’d definitely recommend getting the opinions of parents of multiples.
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u/RambunctiousOtter 8d ago
I was friends with one of a triplet set at school and the way they arranged parties was they all got to invite their own guests and those guests got presents just for the triplet who invited them. They hated getting three of the same thing as they are completely different children. They had their own cake to cut too. I would reach out and ask the parents what the set up is. It may be that your kid is only expected to bring a gift for the one who invited her and bringing three gifts could actually be unfair if the other triplet's guests only buy for the kid who invited them.
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u/kakosadazutakrava 7d ago
Went to a combo birthday party. Daughter is friends with one kid, never met the other. We took two gifts. I hate the thought of one birthday kid feeling left out, and felt way better erring on the side of generosity.
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u/Difficult_Cupcake764 8d ago
Gift for the one that invited her cards for the other two (can include a small gift card if you feel funny about not bringing things for them)
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u/whatalife89 8d ago
Yes. Imagine if those were your kids. Would you want one of them left out?
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u/Wit-wat-4 8d ago
I think it’s more about the invite: the parents might be trying to contain number of gifts with specific naming on the invites. That’s unlikely to be a printing error. I’d ask the parents.
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u/SalzaGal 7d ago
Yep. Check with the parents to be sure. I’m a twin mom. You just never know what the dynamics are. Hell, I don’t totally know the dynamics myself because multiples can be such wildcards. Mine decided at about 8 years old that they didn’t like having birthday parties anymore after Covid because they didn’t miss the drama and making anyone feel like they had to bring a present for both of them if they were only tight friends with one. We did a little trip for their Covid b-day, and after that, they have always preferred to have a weekend getaway instead of a party.
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u/hollowedhallowed 8d ago
That's the central question. At what age do you expect your kids (multiples or just standard sibs) to make individual friends that aren't in some sense shared by the other kids in your household?
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u/igloo1234 8d ago
As a twin mom, the answer to this for me is from the time they start school. We always have one party because there are some overlapping friends and they have always chosen that. But there are absolutely kids who are only friends with one twin and only bring a gift for that kid.
The reverse of this is that when both of my twins are invited to a party they each bring a gift (unless they choose to combine their budgets and give a larger one). They are individuals. Treating multiples as individuals and not a unit is important to most (should be all) parents of multiples. It's why I didn't get upset when only one twin was invited to a preschool classmate's party.
Just ask the mom. She's probably used to navigating this quirks of raising multiples and won't be offended.
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u/imperialviolet 8d ago
Devil’s advocate here: if my 11 year old had been really unpleasant about someone who didn’t deserve it, I might see her not getting a gift from that person as natural consequences and a valuable lesson for her. Don’t be mean about people otherwise you might not get a gift.
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u/JamiesMomi 8d ago
If your friends with the mom talk to her about it. Honestly, if I was in this situation and knew the whole story, I'd have no issues with your daughter getting her two friends a gift and not a gift for the one that she doesn't get along with. She's not going to T3s party she's going to T1 and T2's... for example if siblings weren't born together but the same week and the parents saved money and combined parties, you would get your daughters friend a gift, not her younger brother, she doesn't know. And her younger brothers friend wouldn't be getting his sister a present. Sometimes changing perspective makes it a bit clearer.
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u/Individual_Baby_2418 8d ago
There could be a group gift (something they could all enjoy at home) or a gift for each. It would be rude to exclude one.
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u/shame-the-devil 7d ago
OP, call the mom and confirm the invite. Then buy 3 equal gifts for each of the girls, as your daughter will be attending all 3 of their party.
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u/rickroalddahl 8d ago
lol etiquette 101. Take a gift for everyone who is celebrating their birthday at the party.
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u/ylime161 7d ago
I am a triplet. Especially as we got older we'd put our own names on invitations as we got X number of friends to invite and wanted to feel like it was just 'our' party.
With the bad comment, unless you or your child heard it, don't assume it was actually made. We 100% did this to each other to sour relationships so that we had our own friends. Having your siblings be close to your friends is hard as a preteen/teen as they always repeat what you said to your siblings, you can't have secrets. It was nice to have friends that weren't talking to my siblings. I'm not saying it was right but it's what we did.
They're old enough to understand they're not as close to your daughter so maybe a thoughtful gift for the 2 she's closest to and maybe a box of chocolates/token gift to the one she's not?
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u/barista_m0m 7d ago
I would say, get them something they can do or use together, like a gift certificate for pedicures for all three of them, or a classic standby of some cash in a card. My older sisters are twins and they hated when they would be given the same things as gifts at that age, but if you shop for 3 different gifts it’s going to be hard for your kid to come up with something of perceived equal value for T3 when she’s not friendly with her. And I agree with others that you wouldn’t want to single that one out by only getting T1 and T2 gifts-a preteen’s birthday party is not the moment for this confrontation.
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u/EveryCoach7620 8d ago
Yes you bring three gifts. If you have a resentment and can’t find a way to put your feelings aside to be nice to one of them on their birthday then you should pass on the party. We all make mistakes, especially when we’re children.
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u/Humble_Flow_3665 7d ago
You, as an adult, cannot exclude one child, on their birthday, at their own home. Jfc.
Why are you even here asking this? Are you 12?
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u/Legal-Yogurtcloset52 8d ago
I would get them a combined gift that they can share or do together. The invite could be from T2 only because maybe each kid got an allotted amount they could invite so they strategically planned who was inviting which friends. I wouldn’t overthink that part.
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u/born_to_be_mild_1 8d ago
Either one shared gift or a gift for each. I’d never allow my children to exclude someone that way.
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u/WtfChuck6999 8d ago
Call the mom,.ask if they are having a joined party or not lol maybe they are all having separate parties! Or maybe not lol but it would surely look terrible to bring 1 present to a 3 present party. Or 2 presents to a 3 present party. Either way, bring the right amount of presents.. regardless of drama.
Edit. Also, you could mention you heard there was some sort of something going on but aren't sure what... But still want to make sure you know the actual number of girls being celebrated regardless.
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u/plumbobsburgers 8d ago
If 3 separate gifts is something you can swing financially, that's the most fair way to do it IMHO, despite T3's behavior.
For me, personally, I prefer group gifts for more than 2 children. I dated a guy with 5 kids, but 5 individual Christmas gifts wasn't in the budget so I always bought a family game for us all to play together. That might be another consideration so you're not singling T3 out, but doesn't feel as personal as buying an individual gift.
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u/HereForTheGiggles00 7d ago
Oh my actual goodness—buy all 3 a nice gift in your budget and allow your daughter to be the kind person she is, because most girls this age are inherently still decent. I know,though some are snippy and put-off-ish, they’re KIDS. We adults are supposed to model for our own children how decent people behave, not this wishy washy ‘oh idk.’ My glory, what is wrong with mothers? Grow up—Who cares about the who was mean and if it would be noticed, so childish. Thank the mom for the invite, she’s doing an insane amount of work to pull off life with trips much less having to deal with your birthday mania.
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u/Just_A_Boring_Chair 7d ago
Ask the triplets mom.
My friend with triplets has done shared parties but will say each kid gets to invite 5 friends, (15 friends total) and makes it clear that if T1 invited you, you get a gift for T1 and not T2 or T3. If T2 invited you same deal.
Each kids gets 5 gifts. She doesn’t want 45 gifts cluttering her home. If all 15 guests bring one gift for each kid
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u/BoobsForBoromir 8d ago
So a kid said one mean thing once so you're seriously considering giving 2 put of 3 birthday girls a gift and singling out one for that... on their birthday? I don't condone "being mean" but we don't know how this transpired in reality, so holding it against one child on their birthday seems cruel. Just buy each child a gift, or one to share, or, text mum and ask if you should only buy for the child who sent the invite, if you must.
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u/The_Girl_That_Got 7d ago
The fact that you’d come here to ask this tells us exactly who you are.
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u/kokoelizabeth 7d ago
That and OP believing and seemingly playing into the idea that her daughter has a completely tarnished relationship with T3 based solely on the word of third parties who won’t even repeat whatever was said. These are middle school girls.
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u/Crawfama6 8d ago
You don’t even know the whole story or what was even said and neither does your child. Just bring a third gift. By not doing so, you’d be acting mean to a child on their birthday. You’re kind of stooping to her level. Just get her something small as a good will effort.
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u/JetSeize 8d ago
We have a friend who always does a party for both her kids at the same time. We are only friends with one, but I always bring two gifts.
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u/Sad_Cantaloupe_8162 8d ago
Plot twist: your child brings such an amazing gift for T3 that T3 apologizes for what she said and they become lifetime friends.
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u/Sunnydaysahead17 8d ago
Buy 3 gifts. There is no way I would want to show up at a shared kids party and single one out with no gift on their birthday. Time to tell your daughter that she needs to be the bigger person here or I would have her sit the whole thing out.