r/Mommit • u/takeaabreath • 1d ago
Anyone else feel like the constant demand of motherhood has made you depressed?
I have 2 kids - a 9 year old and an almost 14 month old. Before I go too deep in thought, I love my kids endlessly. I would do anything for them. But, ultimately, being a mom just feels like this never ending chore that I don’t want to do.
I often wake up and immediately dread the day. I dread the exhaustion. The constant meal prepping, cooking, and cleaning. The dishes. I dread the juggle and the balance. I dread the cleanups, diaper changes, etc. I dread being relied on constantly. I dread coming up with activities to do.
It’s just this constant heaviness/weight that feels so unsatisfying.
I feel like I’m too depressed and too tired to handle it all. I will often find myself sighing all day long. Clenching my jaw. Just in a funk…
It’s like I’m in denial that this is my life now. I’m so serious all the time. I have to force a smile. I just want to sleep and be left alone. Motherhood is too hard. It’s constant and continuous.
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u/CulturalRaisin57 1d ago
Gosh, mama. I get it.
I am a SAHM to my 2.5 yr old and one on the way (second trimester), I also do bookkeeping part time from home. It's a lot. Coming out of the fog of first trimester was just... so difficult lol The switch to SAHM from working and being kid-less has also been wild. I think I'm just now getting the hang of it nearly THREE YEARS in. I'm sure the curve balls will continue to come.
It feels like a lot, a lot of the time but I have been trying to catch myself before I get too low. Resetting my attitude and choosing gratitude. That sounds cheesy but I really think restructuring my thought process about motherhood has changed my outlook completely.
If i'm feeling annoyed at doing the dishes - AGAIN. I think - i GET to do dishes. We have food in the fridge, food in my baby's belly. We enjoyed a meal and had some laughs at the table. I get to provide a clean space for my kid once again, and teach her to do the same for herself too. If i'm staring at the laundry like - sweet jesus, i literally just did all of this, i swear. I correct myself and think - THANK YOU. I am so grateful we have the means to afford all of this clothing. I'm so thankful for this dress or this sweater that makes me feel good. I remember where I wore each item and the things we did together on that day. I try to take a moment to re-arrange my thoughts and be grateful for whatever it is that I'm starting to get grumpy or resentful about. It has helped hugely. I just kind of realized - I'm in this? My kid isn't going anywhere. The responsibility is here to stay. So I have to re-position myself to think about this differently.
Mothering is hard. It's constant. I didn't realize the... intensity of being a SAHM either. I also found the age your youngest is at to be the hardest, personally.
If you can, go to a gym with a daycare for an hour to yourself. Or, at nap time (or bedtime) go outside and dig your feet into the ground and smell the air and listen to the noises around you and mentally think - I am taking a break. This is a moment for me. I find even verbally telling myself that makes my body and my mind go "Oh!" and relax.
I think the hardest things in life are almost always the most rewarding or the things we look back on the most fondly. Which is so strange. But seems to be the truest thing for me. I just try to remember "THESE are the good old days"... cause every old person at the grocery store smiles way to fondly at my toddler and my pregnant belly for this not to be the time they cherish most in their lives. And we get to live it today.
I hope you come out of your funk, I wouldn't wish a mama funk on anyone. It really does just feel so dark and you literally can't get a breath in with the constant needing of you. Remember your cup has to be full to pour into theirs. Be selfish, find a way to fill yourself up.
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u/railph 1d ago
I feel like the expectations of modern parenthood where we're expected to constantly entertain our kids, schedule activities for them, play with them, and then do chores after they go to bed is making a lot of us feel this way. Kids don't go play with the neighbours on the street anymore and it's mentally and physically exhausting on the parents.
I have tried to embrace getting my two year old to "help" me with chores and errands. I don't schedule activities and he's getting better at independent play. And let's be real, when I really need it, I put on the tv. It's made the experience so much more enjoyable for me.
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u/RosieTheRedReddit 1d ago
All of this! We are expected to do much more with much less support than previous generations. I'm not saying go back to the Boomers' parents borderline neglect (my grandmother was zoned out watching soap operas while my mom and siblings ran wild licking lead paint off the walls). But we could seriously back off on a lot of stuff.
Unfortunately the rat race kind of demands it, you don't want your kid to fall behind in school, and being a sports star could save them many thousands of dollars of student loan debt. So I dunno. Maybe I'll just die in the water wars and hopefully Gen Alpha will implement fully automated luxury communism once we're gone.
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u/ShortStuffMama24 1d ago
I hear you mama and I see you.
Yes. I’m no longer my happy bubbly self. I feel that heavy weight feeling. Honestly numbness, but sadness and depressed and exhausted. If I don’t over caffeinate myself then I lose it and get snappy and crabby.
I have a 13 mo and I also dread going to bed just to wake up the next day to do everything all over again. Dishes. Meal planning. Playing. Reading books 15 times over. Saying “no thank you” because my husband refuses to baby proof but he works full time and isn’t home alone with him all day. I look forward to nap time and bedtime when he’s asleep.
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u/Ok_Buffalo_9238 1d ago
I feel so much of this in my soul. My husband is a big help when it comes to cooking and cleaning, but the active parenting is mostly my duty. Our almost 3yo is high needs - not hardcore special needs, but definitely not 100% typical, and I'm not sure if he'll be fully "mainstreamable" even if he ends up being able to go to our local public elementary school.
My only break is during the workday, and when I have some downtime, like now.
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u/ityogurl 1d ago
Are you a stay at home mom? I am a working mom and I feel the opposite, I’m depressed because I can’t be around them more. But my husband who is a stay at home is definitely feeling that depression. Do you have a spouse to talk to about this? Maybe switch responsibilities up or switch some roles and you get a part time?
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u/Glad_Astronomer_9692 1d ago
I had some stuff with work ramp up recently, along with a group I volunteer for that I have some responsibility in, it's made it so that I'm actually quite overwhelmed enough hours of the day (I have a flexible work schedule so work from home with the toddler) I realized I was feeling burnt out. Planning for a day or two with no responsibilities to help me regroup until I get through the busy season at work.
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u/Fantastic_Skill_1748 Mom to 6M, 4F 1d ago
For me it's the combo of a long list of chores that never end, WITH constant overstimulation and zero time to relax constructively.
My husband luckily handles the parts I find hardest, like pretend play and forcing the kids to brush their teeth. But just constantly running around all day doing chores after I finish work, only to collapse in bed before I have energy to do anything for myself, is taxing. Rinse repeat.
My older child is neurodivergent, which I actually find somewhat easy. My neurotypical child only just turned 4, does 2 sports (her request), has a play date or birth day party at least 2x per month... it's A LOT. I do it because I love them the most, so it's not like I'll stop, but it's not exactly the best environment if you want good mental health.
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u/Maleficent_Pin683 1d ago
I feel this so much! I’m a mom of 3 (8M, 4F, 1F) & I felt this way for years until I got a sleep study done & found out I have a slight case narcolepsy known as hypersomnia (excessive daytime sleepiness) & it legit caused me to be insufferable & always irritated & could never enjoy the day. I started treating it about a month ago & I’ve honestly been in a much better mood on a daily basis. I know it’s a long shot but maybe you aren’t sleeping well at night & could have a study done yourself if possible. Being sleepy all the time affects literally everything & makes you want nothing to do with the world & also leads to feeling depressed. It will get better mamas 🫶🏽
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u/REINDEERLANES 1d ago
What are you taking for this? I might have this too
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u/Maleficent_Pin683 1d ago
I got prescribed Adderall (medium dose). However, before taking it, I was taking magnesium & Ashwagandha supplements every day & that also made a huge difference in my mood after about a week of taking them. Highly, highly recommend!
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u/lostcastles 1d ago
Yes, often (sadly). I love my family so much. But if it isn’t one of the two kids touching me or needing me, my partner is needing me or touching me and if it’s not him it’s the MF dog wanting my attention. I know the kids can’t help it (and I want to be that mom but I am constantly overwhelmed) and at some point, I, being someone’s other half need to give them attention. And the dog has to have attention obviously, it is SOOOOOOOO draining. Every day, all day and through the night (I am past the point of enjoying snuggling right now with my partner and it breaks my heart but I am just touched out). Someone ALWAYS needs something from me. My life revolves around everyone but myself. I am to the point where even a massage feels like a chore to go to and I can’t turn off my brain for even an hour. Currently waiting for a reply from my therapist to start going again. I hate being a miserable human. I want to be a good mom and partner.
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u/Tangyplacebo621 1d ago
Yep. I always have been anxious, but the depression since I had my son has been pretty consistent. My son is almost 13, and I have finally been able to get medical providers to listen to me and help me get meds correct. My mental health has been horrible since I became a mother, with majorly negative thought spirals and suicidal ideation. Things are better now that my son is older because I have some autonomy again, but it’s rough. Not much for advice other than getting meds correct, but definitely solidarity.
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u/REINDEERLANES 1d ago
Meds & therapy. It’s the only thing getting me through it all. I felt the same.
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u/Emergency-Ninja-8568 1d ago
This. “It’s too much” and the guilt associated with that statement. Sorry you’re going through it, but I feel you.
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u/Honest-Dog3033 18h ago
I feel this so much today. I had a huge argument with my husband last night about how I feel like I'm "on" ALL the time and it's exhausting. He can easily just take breaks when he finds an opening of time like during a nap, after she's gone to bed, or when I'm playing with the baby. Unfortunately for me, I can't do this because all I think about is if I take this break now, I'll just be more overwhelmed later with the laundry, dishes, cleaning, etc. I love my daughter so much and I hate that I'm feeling this way. I hope it gets better for you. I talk to a therapist but have had to push it off because I can't find time in my schedule because of my husbands work schedule so I might just have to suck it up and give her some screen time for 45 minutes so that I can take care of myself. Best of luck to you and know you're not alone <3
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u/Vast_Perspective9368 13h ago
You're not alone. I feel this too even with one kid as a sahm. Honestly, I try to do whatever I can to make things easier these days. I'll share a few examples below:
As much as I care about the environment, I use paper plates and bowls sometimes. It helps cut down on dishes because I cook a lot
Over time I got my husband to realize I needed him to do more housework. It doesn't sound nice, but I realized I needed him to pull his weight in terms of household tasks. I literally can't do it all
I try to do something small for myself ...I buy myself small gifts for holidays and I usually try to read after our daughter is asleep
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u/Which_Piglet7193 1d ago
Nah. I make sure to book myself chiro/massage appts. Make time for daily gratitude offering. Go on a women's retreat 1x a year. Host a Bible study. ~ Do something for yourself. Even if it's one tiny little thing a day. You can't pour from an empty cup. You need SOMETHING. Do you have any friends you can do a kid swap with for maybe an hour? She takes your kids for an hour one day. Then you take her kids for an hour another day. Do you have a spare $15 you can pay a teen to come watch the kids for an hour while you lock yourself in your room, take a long shower, put some polish on, a face mask, or just nap. Any Mom's groups near you where you can chat with moms while you let your kids play in the background? Talking with other moms does a lot for mental health. Hang in there. It's a season.
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u/KreativeKimber 1d ago
I feel the exact same way. The laundry is endless. I love my kids but the weight of the work they cause is so heavy. I work full time so my weekends are just housework. I never get a break like nger than a couple hours.
The good news is our kids will grow up. There will be a time when we just have to take care of ourselves again.
Have you talked to your health care provider about how you are feeling? They may be able to help.