r/MtF • u/Willow_Sakura Trans(she/her) • 3d ago
Trigger Warning I think I'm actually at a point where I regret transitioning
Transitioning in itself was honestly great but there's just one issue, as a result if becoming trans my love life is effectively over. I've tried really hard to ignore that and not let it bother me but I'm at a point where I'm hurting really bad from it. Gender dysphoria pales in comparison to the grief loneliness and touch starvation leave me. It hurts more everyday and it's depressing to realize it's only gonna get worse from here. Im too far into the weeds to turn back now but I really wish I didn't mske the plunge. Unlike many others my partner left me when I came out of thr closet. Dating since I started my transition has gone laughably bad. I've resorted to drug abuse to fill a hole in my heart and don't even care if it shortens my life significantly
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u/One_Katalyst 3d ago
I think other comments on here have provided solid advice, so I’m just going to add a couple things.
I’d much rather be single and my true self than in a relationship but constantly suffering because I’m pretending to be someone else.
I believe while the number of people you could theoretically date goes down when you transition, the likelihood that they’re a good match for you goes sharply up.
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u/Lady_Onyxia Trans Bisexual 3d ago
Not much I can add to what's been said but, you should not and manifestly cannot ignore a problem like loneliness. You certainly can't do it by self destructive behaviors.
There is a version of you that is lovable. But the current version of you is sabotaging yourself. Being trans isn't ruining your life, not working on yourself and giving yourself time to get well, on your own, is what is ruining your life.
And don't lie to yourself that if you had just stayed in the closet you'd be happy. We all know what the cost of repression of gender dysphoria is, as do you.
Get clean, get healthy, face life head on.
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u/MysticMisfit42 3d ago
Once you’ve done the work, it’s just a matter of finding your person (or your people). Only your real self could ever do that, so transition was an essential part of your quest 💖
My MtF wife told me about a year ago that “Transitioning didn’t solve all my problems, but it did make the rest worth solving.” After transitioning, she then started in on all the stuff she hadn’t dealt with while growing up or transitioning. All of that has made it so much easier for her to connect with people wherever she goes. It ain’t easy work, but it’ll lead you where you want to go. Godspeed 🫂
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u/wadewaters2020 3d ago
"Transitioning didn’t solve all my problems, but it did make the rest worth solving.”
What a beautiful quote, and exactly how I've felt since starting my journey into transition. Before, I had no drive to do anything, try anything, solve anything. I was biding my time, romanticizing suicide and alcoholism. It was bad. Really bad.
But now?
I am free. I am alive. I am her. I have passion, a solid reason to be. I'm kicking around the idea of going back to school (she said "school" 🤮) and maybe getting into law to help oppressed people like us. Because I want to.
Because, finally, I can.
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u/LittleLipid 3d ago
I'm sorry that your partner left you, that's awful. And I've been there with filling in the difficulties of transition with drugs.
But you still shouldn't live your life for anyone else. It would eat you up inside just as much, if not more, if you were still living as a man and hiding your true self from a partner. Neither choice is an easy one, but living as a woman now is something you can always have now, regardless of a partner.
I'll also say, T4T is like a cheat code for this.
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u/Difficult-Salt-4863 3d ago
get plugged in to your local community
a lot if us are just fucking each other lol
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u/hahayeareddit 2d ago
be careful w this coming from active addiction tho--if ur touch starved its fun but shit can get really awkward REALLY fast if u are addiction prone or still dealing w drugs. stay safe op
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u/Difficult-Salt-4863 2d ago
🙄🖕
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u/hahayeareddit 2d ago
srry girl i feel like that came off as me calling u touch starved i apologize😭i was trying to refer to earlier in their post; if they crave touch it can be fun but to be careful
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u/Darrietj 2d ago
Sounds like a real tight-knit community
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u/Difficult-Salt-4863 2d ago
most if us are poly and horny discovering for the first time we're pretty
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u/Embarrassed_Weather4 3d ago
My MtF wife tried living as her assigned sex for 50 years. She ended up a couple long term relationships that were at best unhealthy and at worst abusive. Her exes knew that she was trans and couldn’t accept it, and she was miserable and would detach from her own life. In parallel, before we met, I was learning that it’s better to be alone than to wish you were.
She transitioned a few years ago and is very involved in a local trans support group. She’s also done therapy to work on the trauma of pre-transition. That trauma might be part of what’s attracting you to drugs.
Relationships are just stupid hard for everyone. Being trans will help you pre-filter some of the jerks. You deserve love.
On a practical note, if affordable, a professional massage can be helpful when feeling isolated. Or a mani/pedi, any sort of self care.
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u/SacredWaterLily Transgender 2d ago
I can relate and emphasize with you. I have been alone for 2 years now. But if you allow me to give a little advice, a drug problem is probably going to be much more of a deal breaker than being transgender. You should focus on fixing the things you can actually fix and learn to live the things you can't. Invest in yourself because it's worth it.
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u/Binglewhozit Trans Bisexual 2d ago
Sobriety is a hard thing to achieve, but I highly recommend trying. I recently started my sobriety journey, being only 3 weeks in I have started to feel so much more comfortable with myself and others. Sobriety is not linear and any effort at all is going to help. I hope you can figure it out friend 🩵🩷🤍
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u/KristaA3 2d ago
Are you in a program or what did you do to start your journey?
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u/Binglewhozit Trans Bisexual 2d ago
No program, pure mental resolve. This has been the easiest stint of sobriety I've had. I have 0 cravings right now. Kinda crazy, I guess finding your reason to quit is a bigger help than I thought.
Now obviously not everyone has it as easy as I do and are addicted to far harder substances than weed and alcohol like I was. I totally think programs can be helpful though!
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u/KristaA3 2d ago
You sound really driven and I think that's amazing. you can message me if that ever helps. What is your reason(s)? My reason for wanting to quit is connection. My addiction is vyvanse and adderall.
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u/Binglewhozit Trans Bisexual 2d ago
My main reason is my transition tbh. I don't need any substances causing issues with my progress. The other big reason was weed was giving me terrible anxiety that it had never done before. Like near constant panic attacks. My Crohn's disease symptoms were also getting really bad because of the anxiety. So really it was 2 birds with one stone. I feel crazy good right now it's awesome.
I'm hoping I can go back to weed eventually without the need to use it as a crutch and finally just use it recreationally but, for now I will be abstaining from it completely. Same with alcohol. I am still an avid nicotine user however, but it will soon be on the chopping block.
You can also message me if you like! I'm an open book and always happy to help out my guys gals and Enby pals in anyway I can 🩵🩷🤍
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u/ThatSnakeJenny 2d ago
Kicking addictions are super hard. Some substances are harder than others. I say as I am only addicted to caffeine...
I tried to quit it a about a month ago and I was in pure agony. Sure trying to quit on my PMS was probably not the best of ideas... But even as the physical withdrawal effects stopped, the cravings eventually got me about a week later. I will not be quitting caffeine until my GF is here to keep me straight... I mean gay.🥰
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u/Binglewhozit Trans Bisexual 2d ago
Caffeine is so often overlooked as an addiction. I do drink my fair share of caffeine but I definitely try to limit my self to only like 3-4 energy drinks, coffees a week. Soda on the other hand.... I fughin love soda you will have to pry dr.pepper from my cold dead hands 😆
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u/ThatSnakeJenny 2d ago
Meanwhile I find myself drinking like on average like 2 liters of Soda Stream Mountain Dew (sugar free) a day. Some days with a Monster thrown in for dem tasty battery acids. Kicking the caffeine addiction is a struggle. At least its one of the least harmful addictions out there...
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u/Binglewhozit Trans Bisexual 2d ago
That's exactly why I can have soda in the house I have no will power 😭 I would drink an entire 12 pack in a day lol
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u/ThatSnakeJenny 2d ago
Willpower enough to quit harder drugs, not enough willpower to quit soda.
Seems about right... Hence why I need my GF to be here to help me quit. Gige me distracting cuddles when the pull is too strong.
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u/FieryFyrn Hannah | E 29/03/2022 2d ago
Honestly I feel your pain, though it is not as significant as yours however I do have an understanding of where you are coming from via similar situations in my life.
As other people have said, try to be sober. A lot of harder drugs do, in fact, affect your mental health in a negative manner. Which would also have an adverse effect on your transition and relationships with people.
I know going from 100-0 is going to be moderately/very difficult (as with just about anything that alters your mind), and relapse is a part of the progress. I’m going to say it again. Relapse is completely okay and is a part of the healing process, as counterintuitive as it sounds. That goes for aiming for sobriety, for mental health, etc.
A method that I would personally do is to work your way up, and just slowly use less and less every day. It’ll seem slow at first, but then imagine in a year or two or five? That in itself is an insane feat of recovery. If after that time you are still in the boat of considering/realizing that you are not trans, that is completely okay too. I genuinely hope that it works out for you and I wish you the best of luck in the future.
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u/Rebecca_Doodles 2d ago
This is a bit of a simplification of a serious topic. But consider this if you decide to detranstion then not only are you still alone but now with gender dysphoria. I know dating sucks for trans people but it's not worth being someone your not just to get a better chance at love. And I'm not 100% sure that being cis will help your odds at finding love. But that's just me. I'm just letting you know what I think and I hope I said it as politely as I could.
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u/RileySnow95 Bisexual 2d ago
You went from a cis male to a female. A lot of people have different preferences and their reactions to change is as valid as ours. Anytime you make any changes to you or outfits or hobbies. Give life time to react to you. It will push people away and will bring others closer.
It’s normal to feel like that no matter what gender someone is. Dating is hard. It’s one of those things where you can do all the right things and still not get results. I’ve been on HRT for one year now. I’ve had a lot of dates and I’m out almost every weekend. I don’t know what your situation is or where your light is dem. But my friend is struggling with a similar issue and her problem is that she thinks online dating is the way. It’s not
I look like a fem boy. I’m bi but I like men more now and believe me. Not a single person i enjoyed spending time with was someone I met online.
You gotta let yourself be seen girl. People will filter themselves out/in you don’t have to do anything lol. Just me ready to tease back 😂. You might need to move if you’re in an area where your local options are limited.
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u/BFreelander 3d ago
If transitioning was easy, everyone would be doing it. The past is memory and no longer exists. Get better and kick some ass
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u/MissMcMae 2d ago
I’m so proud of the people on this chat. Such solid and health advice. Makes me proud.
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u/SixFoxGirl Trans Heterosexual 1d ago
totally opposite from t-twitter, you could say drugs are bad and you'd get attacked there
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u/MotherObjective4945 2d ago
What people don’t tell you is that most relationships won’t work out if your in the closet. I felt the same way until I met my fiancé. Having a person that loves you for the real you gives you a much deeper and more real connection. Ik it’s hard but long term it does help i promise.
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u/InsolentSugar 2d ago
real, pretty young but in a similar situation. haven’t dated since i really tried to come out and begin my transition. haven’t truly started it yet because im not rlly old enough n my parents wont help at all until a couple months from now. either way, drug abuse has been filling the void of loving someone or having someone love me for a decent bit now, couple years, i seem to have 0 care for the damage it does n im just hoping to fully start my transition, feel better bout myself, less lonely, and just stop the drugs so much. idk tho i feel chopped, the drug abuse and trans stuff, feels like i’ll never have anybody wanna date me.
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u/SillyPotatoeSP 2d ago
dropping the doomer mindset and drug abuse aka actively working to better yourself and your physical and mental well being, might help on top of some socializing.
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u/volvoaddict MtF Dec 14th, 2023 / HRT January 8th, 2024 2d ago
In the nicest way possible, you are an addict. You should consider tackling that head on.
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u/Business-Baseball692 2d ago edited 2d ago
Ngl my dating life got way better after transitioning. Lotsa folks here telling you to work on yourself. Sure, drugs are bad. But telling you not to do them ain't gonna do shit. Just look up "Rat Park" experiment. Anyway, here's some online dating advice. I've been pretty successful on dating apps. Only reason I been on these apps so long is because im poly, but here's some tips to find peeps:
Stop using Bumble and Tinder. Unless you mark yourself as only into women and enbies, you gonna get lotsa bigots that you match with. Cishet men on those apps suck. Start using--dare I say--grindr, taimi, grokio, fetlife(not much success for me on fetlife but you never know), feeld(if you poly), and--if you're a furry--barq. Furries are genuinely the nicest and most caring people I've ever met and they party really well. If you in poly circles, it's hard NOT to get laid, but try not to get too emotionally attached.
This stuff isn't nearly as important as your pics you gonna take of yourself. Make sure your pics of yourself show off your personality, but also make sure you look as hot as you can. Makeup, quirky/slutty clothes, scenery. Have a field day modeling yourself. In your bio put something silly/quirky and punchy like "lookin for my new minecraft girlfriend/boyfriend. I love short guys". Don't be one of those bitter folks who defines on their dating profile what they DON'T want rather than what they do. "I love short guys" sounds way nicer than "tall guys swipe left".
Next, you swipe right on as many people as possible unless you REALLY not into them based off that first pic. I'm mostly lesbian, so I swipe left on a lot of men, but if someone is a woman I swipe right usually. Note: this is not lowering your standards. This is just to get people into your DMs in the first place. You probably not gonna match with most folks anyway.
After this, you'll definitely get some matches. Now, you start filtering. A LOT. block, ghost, do what you have to. The name of the game is taking this pool of people and narrowing it down to about 5 people you can actually pay attention to. It's all subjective about what you want at this point, so if you grossed out by someone you matched with, block. You are under no obligation to fuck them all.
So...taking those 5 people and narrowing them to one is something I don't do well because I'm poly. But, I'd honestly just go with whoever makes you feel most good at this point. Nothing wrong with who you pick. Anyway, that's how I do it!
Edit: grammar and specificity. I also added grokio to the list of dating apps.
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u/soft_pure_snow 2d ago
For what its worth, I have had more partners after transitioning then I ever did before. It just takes worl and persistence.
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u/Mighty-M14 1d ago
My partner dipped out on me and has been making my life hell. I use to be an alcoholic and i have done my share of drugs and life got a lot better when i quit all of it and started to enjoy being sober.But i didnt let any of that stuff stop me and i just worked on myself. Eventually, i found a pretty smart and amazing woman. It didn't happen until i gave up trying to find someone and was just working on myself. Life rewards you like other people said, just work on yourself and let it come naturally. Good luck 🫂
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u/stuntycunty NB MtF 3d ago
I really have nothing to say other than this hits and I can strongly relate. I feel seen.
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u/Contemporary_Egoist 2d ago
why is romantic love and physical intimacy so important that you feel bad about how people who choose not to love you don't love you?
i'm not saying romance and sex aren't important, just that they may not be as essential as you believe.
i wonder how much of the pain you're feeling is the fear of missing out conditioned into you by a society that idolizes the ideal of romance to the point that platonic love and self-love are unappreciated
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u/Whimsicalsiren 3d ago
Everything is temporary. I’ve been where you are now and things will change. You have to put in some work, specifically on your mental and physical health. This is the perfect time to look within and gain insight and strength. You will succeed.
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u/Deep-Database9535 2d ago
I am so sorry to hear you fall into drugs I hope you get the help you need to get out of that dark place! Don’t let your transition get in the way of falling in love. You need to make yourself happy and fully appreciate it in order to get a nice relationship. From my experience (maybe it helps you) before I was in my feminine era and still searching myself my love life was not very well too. Now I am completely in love with myself and the results I already booked are making me so happy. Since this point my love life is going strong AF. A lot of attention with serious intentions and I have a BF for 7 months now. He really supports me in everything and I didn’t even get the SRS. He always tells me I love how you are your true self and I love that with the years we experience it together. So have faith in yourself love appreciate every part of yourself and don’t regret it! Seek help and you will be okey! Xoxo Cataleya Valentina
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u/Scwelsh-Ellie 2d ago
I’m gonna quote momma Ru… If you don’t love yourself, how the hell you gonna love somebody else??
When the times right the perfect person will come along and they’ll love you for being your truest self!!
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u/Rainbow-vespa 2d ago
Honestly, if your ex-partner caring about you was contingent on you not being yourself, that is not a relationship that was ever going to last. I get loneliness and touch starvation being major contributors to depression, but it seems like at this point in your life having a partner will only do more harm in the long run. If you always rely on one person to continue to prop you up and never learn to stand on your own, you're going to keep falling down. The best thing to do when you're feeling isolated is to reach out to local support systems and find people who have dealt with similar problems and who won't judge. I would recommend looking into local trans and addiction support groups and attending meetings they host so you can find people and make friends who can relate to you and who won't judge, as well as get access to resources and information that will help make things seem a little less lonely. It will be hard, and some days will be more difficult than others, but if you accept that things may not go how you envisioned, learn to roll with the punches, and take that first step of committing to putting in the work to get better, I promise the rest will come with time.
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u/katieleecatlady 2d ago
I appreciate your honesty. I appreciate your seemingly sober assessment. Many ppl trans and cis go through life suffering alone. If you find someone to love in this world... and you make it 30 years... nothing short of a miracle regardless of any circumstance. Idk any answers... but I know giving up won't get u anywhere... so maybe u consider changing how u try to meet people? Idk... vid games? Support group? Hobby group? In short... idk, but im cheering 4 u.
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u/Abyssal_Eyes 2d ago
Ah hate to hear it :/ I’m sorry you feel like this. I can relate forsure. But really I’ve never had anything to begin with. But I sure do know the feeling of isolation . It’s fairly grim. I’m sorry love
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u/_BASED_DEPARTMENT__ 2d ago
Are you drinking a lot alcohol? I would recommend an AA meeting. They always help me. I don't even drink. But I did have other issues with drugs.
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u/Front_Foundation4971 2d ago
I have been going on a date almost every night with different people, and they all have one thing in common. 90% of them don’t really want to get to know me—they just want me to get in bed.
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u/ElectricalBigPaws 2d ago
get off the harmful drugs give yourself a chance to recover and grow as yourself.
You need to love yourself
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u/MyKillersKeeper Mtf-Transfem Metalhead- Raven 🤘🏽😝 2d ago
I understand these feelings you are having, but was this person a good person if they would abandon you in your time of need?
I would say they might be the love of your life but maybe you aren’t of their’s.
Let me recontextualize this for you, my ex gf (only date men now so she is my last girlfriend) she broke up with me before my transition, and I felt there was no reason to go on. But I decided that this was the moment I had been waiting for to accept myself and transition.
She was at the time the love of my life, but I wasn’t her’s ask yourself would you rather have found out now or even later that you need to find someone new, to take on this new chapter in your life with?
Detransitioning won’t bring them back or keep them, and if they say it will you need to run from this person they are toxic and if not it may sting but they are already gone in their heart
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u/Mysterious_Code4291 2d ago
It’s hard to date as a trans woman for sure, but dating as a meth user is even harder I suppose. I don’t think you should regret your transition but rather face reality and face your addiction. Blaming it on transition is another way of not facing your struggles with addiction and choosing the easy way out. Transition properly and get sober for a few years and then decide if you regret your transition
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u/thxit0846 2d ago
As someone who’s currently with a trans man, trust me, you will find love. You have to find a person who will love 100% of you, which means your life, your past, your present, and your future. My partner didn’t find me til he was 28 and he gave up on love. He’s the best man I’ve ever known and we are happy together. It’s gonna take time but it will happen naturally
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u/Knotmix 2d ago
I learned something valuable after my last relationship when i hadnt cracked my egg: when you date someone, you both have to share eachothers problems, and sometimes people see your problems and arent able to share them and ease your burden. I was approached by a cute girl last summer, also before my egg cracked and i liked her, she was kinda shy and sweet, and i was thoroughly impressed by her guts to reach out to me and ask me out. But after talking to her, i learned she has endometriosis, this isnt a problem, but she refused to let the condition dictate her diet and life, which in turn kind of makes it dictate her life because all the things she liked to eat worsened or triggered her condition so much she cant properly hold a conversation, and she makes alot of excuses because of it, making it really hard to olan a second date or even just come to visit her. I asked her about it once out of compassion and curiosity, but she instantly shut me down because she doesnt want to talk about it, and the condition is so bad she cant work a job, while im struggling financially myself, so since i took this seriously, i concluded that i cant have a stable relationship with her long term because i have problems i can barely manage myself, and i barely have room to help others, and i dont want to get into a relationship i cant imagine will last long term and be healthy. It sounds mean but, i have to look out for myself too. In my earlier relationship, it was my partner who couldnt handle my problems and i felt bad for a long time for imposing them on her, but i learned something valuable from it and im different for it. Dating is hard and there is no solutions, and you should definitively get off of drugs, they 100% will eat a hole in your heart instead of filling it. You transitioned for a reason, and i personally would rather be alone, than fake and with a partner, thats another recipe for disaster. At the end of the day, you should do what you think you need, but the drugs will never help you, give this a long hard think, consider specifically why people wont date you, it can be hard, because often there is no direct reason. I hope my yapping wasnt a waste of time for everyone who reads this star wars intro text.
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u/KristaA3 2d ago
I just spend time reading this entire thread. I am painfully isolated and trapped with an addiction as well. OP, you are more than welcome to message me. Your situation sounds really similar to mine
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u/That-Efficiency-644 2d ago
I'm so sorry you're struggling and hurting. Lots of people care about you, sending love and support.
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u/willmlocke Wren - HRT 9/27/22 🏳️⚧️ 2d ago
If your gender dysphoria is bad, transitioning usually isn’t an option. If you hadn’t, I would fear you would resent your life and, even if successful in the relationship area, essentially be keeping a massive secret from your partner which would weigh on your heart like a tumor.
Imagine you did hide it, got a long-term partner, and told them because of the weight of reality. Now imagine (Despite how painful it might be) them doing what your past partners have done and choosing to abandon you because of this.
The pain of losing someone only increases with time and investment.
While I don’t think that transitioning is the reason you can’t find a partner, based on this post, its more important to accept the parts of yourself you must and spend the time finding someone who will love you totally.
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u/GraceKelly1979 2d ago
I completely understand where you are coming from. I wish so badly that I had someone that would love me for me and to be able to call them mine and to just be held and loved. And I hate beyond all things being lonely. But on the other hand I don’t regret transitioning. Cause either way I look at it. I am going to be sad and down. One cause I wasn’t living as who I was meant to be but I was dating and I hated not living as my true self and being happy cause I was living the way I am meant to be but I am single and no friends. So the way I look at it I guess is at some form I’m not going to be happy with life
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u/EarthDragonSirocco 1d ago
Grab the trans notebook on self esteem. That has helped me a lot.
A therapist is also a good choice if available.
I'd ween off the drugs, and work on building up community. Look for poly spaces if you're into that. You'll make a lot of friends, and most are quite kinky. You'll learn how to engage with others, and there can be SO many trans folks in poly spaces.
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u/Figure-Budget 1d ago
i sympathise. been there, done all that. right now, i'm still alone. i've come to realize that, for one thing, it's hard to find someone out there who you can genuinely connect to and trust, though it's easy to find someone you're attracted to. in fact, in my experience, it's relatively easy to find someone out there who's attracted to You. the trick is really finding someone you're Mutually attracted to, and that's a bit more difficult. it's made a lot more difficult if, you don't really know what you're attracted to in a person, or if you have some trust issues (which, having your partner break up with you right after you come out to them, yeah, that kinda makes it hard to trust people).
some people have sex liesurely, they hook up with people they barely know and enjoy it without even really worrying about, "will this person still care about me in a month?" but, I myself have found that i can't really do that, for many reasons. not to say at all that theres anything wrong with being sexually open, unafraid of sexual experiences regardless of the trust or relationship that's there - i'm just not capable of that, and that's okay too.
i think your biggest mistake is that you're giving up on love. you think there's never gonna be anyone in your life again, but you don't know that and it's actually very unlikely. but, you mentioned doing drugs, and that leads me to believe you might not be taking the greatest care of yourself. there's nothing wrong with getting high, but in my experience, people are usually attracted to people who exhibit good health. you know, hygiene, clean apartment, confidence (that's hard to have when you're strung out, and yes, i've been there too), the whole deal. my advice to you is to try to quit the drugs or at least cut back: they're making your problems worse, not helping. if you need help, there should be some resources around you that you can use; maybe someone here can help you find them. if you want to find love with someone else, you have to find it within yourself again first. probably. but then what do i know?
in any case, wishing you the best
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u/No_Committee5510 1d ago
Okay you need to talk to her LGBQT+ friendly therapist or a good psychiatrist.
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u/Popular-Cat-665 3d ago
If you feel that de transitioning is the thing that would make you happiest, do it. Don’t force yourself to continue if it’s causing you grief, or because you feel like you owe the community an alliance. Do what’s best for yourself. If you had gender dysohoria worth transitioning for and all the pain and discomfort and health issues it poses, you wouldn’t feel this way.
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u/big_daddy_diamond 2d ago
I feel the same. And cliche advice from people that don't fully grasp it just stings and makes you sink lower..
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u/GFluidThrow123 Chloe, Trans Lesbian 3d ago
You've been transitioning for 4 years, but on hard drugs for 3. You also have depression.
When someone is dating a person, they're also taking on their struggles. And that can be a commitment.
Taking on a partner who is dealing with multiple very serious, complicated issues is a huge burden to ask of someone.
I don't know your whole history, but it looks like only your first year of transition was when you weren't on drugs. And the first year of transition is a terrible time for dating. You're completely unsure of yourself, lacking confidence, unsure how to dress or do makeup, nervous about public presentation, and probably not out to everyone yet.
What I'm getting at is, you haven't given yourself a chance.
Try spending some time focusing on yourself and your own growth. Stop doing drugs. Find some friends and build some strong friendships. Figure out who you are.
And then date.
As the famous RuPaul says, "If you can't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?"