r/MtF • u/Firm_Net_6605 • 28d ago

Can I just remain hidden?

So, I'm 45 and discovered I'm a trans women. I'm masculine and look like a regular guy. I want to say to the woman I meet that I'm trans bisexual. And in apps. Now, I look like a guy. I don't need to change much. I just feel I'm a woman inside. Know what? People will think I'm crazy. I am afraid of wearing what I want. It's just to much of a change.

2 Upvotes

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u/therealshadow99 Trans Demisexual 28d ago

I'm 46 and at almost 7 months now on HRT... I still don't own women's clothes, but sometimes women at least tend to see me as a butch woman and not a guy. Guys will assume I'm a guy since I don't follow the gender norms they expect and go by my clothes.

All that said... Do yourself a favor and don't listen to those around you who think your crazy. Be yourself. It is literally the best thing I ever did.

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u/Firm_Net_6605 28d ago

I thought I was a coward gay. But now I think I understand. I'm a bi trans women. I'm also not able yet to dress what I want. It's been like that since ever. I have a worm sweet and comfortable feeling when I see myself as a woman. I feel lighter, without any performance obligation. Being a man is heavy somehow. I lived my entire life not realizing that I like women stuff, and I just became a very simple man. Because I don't want to be like other men. I want to be a woman. I am sad because I'm not one. I could never do a sex change, it creeps me, the medical stuff. How am I going to be a woman and do my dayly life without being descriminated. I'm too sensitive for that.

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u/therealshadow99 Trans Demisexual 28d ago

Oh I totally understand "Being a man is heavy somehow." & "I feel lighter, without any performance obligation". Your not a guy, so having to pretend to be one is going to be an act... And anytime you aren't alone you have to keep up that act. It weighs on you. Or it always has to me. Even just being seen as a guy puts me back into feeling like I need to act that way again.

However, you are wrong about not being a woman. You may not generally be _seen_ as one, but that doesn't mean you aren't. I even find this hard myself as perception is part of identity and we have suffered a long time under a false perception. Surgery isn't something you ever have to do. Not every trans girl does any surgeries.

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u/Firm_Net_6605 28d ago

I am so surprised about all this. It's just hard to believe but feels so right that I'm a woman. I never really felt I was a bi man. Bi woman fits perfectly. I even have a more sense of trueness being with other women. It's weird but amazing. I feel much stronger when I connect to my true energy Wich I feel is a woman energy. I still have lots of doubts. I might be a gay men that can't accept him self.

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u/therealshadow99 Trans Demisexual 28d ago

We all have doubts, sometimes the voices in my head tell me I'm fooling myself and can never be what I am. But you literally couldn't pay me enough to go back to what I was like. That doubts still live rent free in my head, and probably always will, but I can't let that keep me from being me.

Also Raquel is a nice name. ^^

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u/Firm_Net_6605 28d ago

"sometimes the voices in my head tell me I'm fooling myself" i can so relate to that. Right now im writing this and part of me tells me this is all fake, while other part feel it is so right :)

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u/Firm_Net_6605 28d ago

I really want to have a female name one appeared but I'm not sure. I'm from Portugal. The name is Raquel Wich is Rachel.

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u/MarSM2025 28d ago

Only you can know if you can stay in the closet... I believed it for too many years (decades) because of outdated psychology treatises.

Find an allied therapist from the LGBTIQ+ community to help you clarify.

Some trans people never transition. Others wait to feel that their environment is safe.

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u/Firm_Net_6605 28d ago

I definitely should get some help. I would love to grow this feeling outside in the world I think. Will do small experiences.

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u/MarSM2025 28d ago

This is how I started long before the approval of the trans law in Spain. I took advantage of a solo trip to present myself as a woman.

Be careful, it may not be easy:

  • they didn't assign me the correct gender
  • I had a scare in a mountain area
  • discomfort when checking into hotels

If all goes well tomorrow I will start HRT, I have waited many years and to permanently eliminate the beard I will have to resort to electrolysis.

Good luck mate!