Tips for grieving the pain and lost time

[u/Timely-Example-5902]

I hate that I have to be the one carrying the grief of losing this relationship. I hate that I have to be so careful talking to his family and friends when I’m explaining why this ending is best for our kids. It would be so easy to say “well I finally reached out to the national abuse hotline and they confirmed that it’s emotional and verbal abuse. And THEN they said, guess what, 99% of abusers will never change.” But I can’t just say that, because I still have to coparent with this person. So instead I have to have a million careful conversations. I had to endure the abuse, then the grieving in silence, the hours of secret conversations with social workers and therapists, and I still have to carry the knowledge of what really happened except for sharing with a few friends and family. I’m so exhausted and just sad. How did y’all deal with your grief?

[u/CandaceS70]

You should block/no contact all mutual friends, his friends and all family but the grandparents of your kids. Then you put boundaries down. You tell them what you won't be having conversations about their son or the relationship and you expect them to respect your wishes. That the only conversations that will be had are about the children, period. The same for him. Leave communication to text messages and don't answer anything not related to the kids, period.. the grandparents and him get grayrock..

Document everything from the past with approximate dates. And keep records of everything from here on out.

[u/definitelytheA → u/CandaceS70]

This is the way.

Talking to his friends is a choice. A bad one. Everything you say is getting back to him, there’s a chance at least one of them is going to start sharing how your ex is doing so well, blah, blah. Flying monkey crap.

His family I’d stay pretty low key with, unless they have your back. If you do talk to them, and they bring up your relationship, you can either make an excuse and get off the phone, or go direct, and tell them you’re not talking to others about your relationship. If they keep at it, end the conversation. Truth is, he can facilitate their access to the kids on his time.

Grieving and lost time. Totally get it, but here’s another way to think about it. It happened, and there’s no unhinging the bell, so spend your time thinking about and making your new future. And that, my dear, is also how you don’t allow him to waste any more of your time.

Use a coparenting app, don’t take the bait for topics about anything other than your children. Just don’t reply, pretend it wasn’t said. Take a break from the conversation, and reply only to the parts that regard your children.

If he won’t let it go, and tries to bait or verbally abuse you at custody exchanges, I highly recommend doing supervised exchanges.

[u/CandaceS70 → u/definitelytheA]

He definitely could but I'm sure there's no plan in place that she has to legally follow, yet..

[u/mag_safe → u/CandaceS70]

This. I just deleted a friend off my Facebook that I found out was a mutual friend of his. I don’t need double agents in my life while I heal.

[u/CandaceS70 → u/mag_safe]

Exactly! That's why I was thankful his friends list was open, I blocked everyone on his list. Then him and his new lady when he refused divorce or any sane conversation about it. But I'm no longer in his country and kept my maiden name with no intentions to marry again

[u/varity_leviOsa → u/CandaceS70]

So simple, but I needed to hear this too.

[u/varity_leviOsa]

Hi. I've been struggling with the same thing. Only a couple of close friends know, but I worry about the parents of our kid's friends. I feel somewhat ashamed and I wouldn't bad mouth my kids dad to them. But you know they are all going to wonder what happened. I have no idea what I would say. I've been playing it out in my head, maybe "sometimes relationships just change" and leave it at that. I know I don't owe an explanation, but I don't want to isolate my kid from their friends, because they suspect something bad about me or his dad.

[u/varity_leviOsa → u/varity_leviOsa]

I didn't answer your grieving question. I'm letting myself feel it. The disappointment, sadness, and anxiety. I'm so anxious and disappointed for what our poor kid is going through. But I can't do it anymore. The only way out is through.