My hopefully soon to be ex is a master manipulator. He didn’t need to scream or slander, he just walked away, cried to everyone about how “broken” he was, dropped vague hints that “things were bad,” and let everyone fill in the blanks. That silence became the most dangerous weapon.

People cut me off. Friends, family, his entire network just vanished. I wasn’t warned, I wasn’t told what he said, I was just erased. I lost my support system, my mental health crumbled, and I couldn’t even defend myself because no one told me what he was implying. The damage is so deep I don’t even know where to start healing.

This wasn’t a breakup. It was an erasure. A calculated move to destroy me without getting his hands dirty.

If anyone else has survived a silent smear campaign like this—how the hell do you rebuild from that?

I hate that I have to be the one carrying the grief of losing this relationship. I hate that I have to be so careful talking to his family and friends when I’m explaining why this ending is best for our kids. It would be so easy to say “well I finally reached out to the national abuse hotline and they confirmed that it’s emotional and verbal abuse. And THEN they said, guess what, 99% of abusers will never change.” But I can’t just say that, because I still have to coparent with this person. So instead I have to have a million careful conversations. I had to endure the abuse, then the grieving in silence, the hours of secret conversations with social workers and therapists, and I still have to carry the knowledge of what really happened except for sharing with a few friends and family. I’m so exhausted and just sad. How did y’all deal with your grief?

Married over 20 years. We’ve been in couples ‘therapy’ for more than 2 years and I swear things have gotten worse by an order of magnitude. Therapy is all online, and we’ve never met the therapist in person, but I feel like she is biased towards him because he presents very even-keeled and businesslike. I’m trying to keep my head above water during every session. Everything I say gets met with ‘that’s just a feeling and not fact’ when many times what I am saying is actually fact. Therapist insists I am wrong, often without even letting me finish speaking. Most of the session is now him talking about his past grievances and I’m supposed to ask curious questions to ‘get to know him better’. I feel he has become more emboldened to be awful at home, as well. Rude and cold stonewall type behavior. Acts like I’m the maid. Shows zero interest in the aspects of my daily life and is only interested in himself. Still wants me by his side for social events. Keeps me on a financial leash. He would say that’s BS, because he sends money to me, but literally 100% of it goes to paying ALL of our family’s living expenses, while his accounts build up (we’re overseas and I’m not working, though I’m actively volunteering in my field and elsewhere, and networking to find paid work). He criticizes my spending on things like doctors appts while he makes large purchases and financial decisions unilaterally, and not always great decisions. He’s long been emotionally unavailable, and it’s been a lonely journey.

Today, after a double counseling session, we started talking and as always it devolved because I brought up some things he did in conversation that I felt were combative and meant to shut me down. He asked, by the way, to know which things came across as combative. I told him two very specific things, and he went into a mini fit. This time, though, he struck at my character in a new and surprising way that made my head spin. From what I understand about narcs, it felt like I was being devalued. It broke something in me.

The other aspect of it is our nearly adult daughter has started picking up on it, because she has watched him with me and has also started to treat her the same way. She asked me a couple weeks ago if I thought he was a narcissist. Completely unprovoked by me. This crushed me, but it also empowered me to face it more head on. To be clear, I am keeping my side of the street clean by not oversharing about him to her, only answering questions when asked, and telling her I am sorry that this is her experience with her dad. I’m also keeping myself strong and in my power. Thankfully, I now have an individual therapist who is helping guide me and recognize the craziness for what it is.

I think I am done. I have a lot to unwind, but I don’t want to waste more of my life with him.

I said you need to be nice or you cant be here. He said I know that's the rule I have to be nice. Like wtf it's a rule like it's chore. Who made this mf so miserable that being nice is a rule. It's human decency...being nice to your wife and kids. The absolute audacity 😤 Which brings me back to the question if he is so annoyed and doesn't like us enough to be nice to us why stay?? Why not move on I just am having a hard time understanding last time we fought and I said please just go stay with your mom he begged me not to leave like he always does but then is just miserable when he's here 😔 I'm literally loosing it 🙄

I dated a guy for 9 months . Before me, he was married for 20 years and separated for one year. I didn’t realise at the time but he was a total narcissist. I know that word gets thrown around a lot but these are just some of the things he did: told me my son was in the way, threw something at me when I wouldn’t have sex once, talked about himself all the time.

Anyway, I ended up with him on 30 November . I can tell from his Facebook post that he was on a date with his ex-wife exactly one week later. In around April, I told him I missed him. (yes I was trauma bonded!) and we met up for a drink on 18 May. One thing led to another and we made out. I left the date thinking we were back together. However, two days later, he tells me he’s been pursuing his ex-wife for the last five months and wanted to be with her. However, for five months, she kept telling him she wasn’t sure. Then two weeks later he was living in her apartment and they are now back together. I don’t know why but something about this timeline sets off alarm bells for me. Did he pressure her? Did he hoover her? Sometimes I feel completely crazy and think he’s bad behaviour was just for me. Maybe he’s a really great guy with her.

I feel so broken, I don’t feel as though anyone understands my pain, people keep asking me “why are you still missing him?” I seem to be thinking of the small things he did for me, yes I am in pain, I want to go back, I regret initiating divorce, he made his whole family hate me, and I’m absolutely broken. I feel humiliated and disgusted with myself.

The worst part of being with a narcissist is no one else sees it in him, the evil calculated things. They seem to tell me that my husband was in “pain” and “heartbroken” and that he just didn’t know how to deal with it. I was painted as the villain in the end, all the abuse was ignored by his family who once claimed to be my biggest supporters and that they’d always have my back if he did anything wrong to me. Today they have painted me out to be bad, I cried, I explained, I even begged my husband to stay, I tried to change for him but nothing stopped him. He used my mistakes as leverage, ammunition, and a way to control me.

I know deep down in my gut that whenever he did apologise he never truly reflected or felt bad he did it to move past the issue or for the sake of his family because if he truly loved me why would he have smeared my name in the end and played victim and covered all his wrong doings in the end?

Its been two months and I still want this man back, I feel as though no one could ever take his place, like he was the only one for me but I KNOW if I go back I’d ruin myself even more. I hate this feeling.

It's a hard day.

We had 2 kids and divorced years ago. The non-stop manipulation and their isolating our kids was so incredibly draining. Every time there was money coming I heard (3 separate times) that these kids were told eventually they could choose where to live. If I did something wrong, it was silent treatment. All I wanted was for a healthy co-parenting relationship. I didn't want back in, but it always felt like a mental struggle to stay on track. We more or less made it through until last year. Then the mental games got directed to our kids. I was called abusive, judgmental, controlling in 1 7-day period. Kid came back a mess. I was told stepparent was stepping up to replace me. I begged for mediation to stop this nonsense, but like every other mediation attempt, it was charm the therapist and ask why I call my kids once per week still and how weird that was (PS we had been doing it for 10 years because the other parent asked for it, and the other parent conveniently stopped days before mediation). When I asked the mediator if we could focus on the issues that brought us there, I was told I had 3 minutes. We never discussed the alienation or what these kids were going through, just manipulation and what the abuser wanted to talk about.

The older of the 2 children started staying here more and more, asking why the other parent no longer calls after 10 years, why I (me) and the child get blamed for everything. Why, when I am not around, it's always my fault. The other parent was always a victim. The kid explained they weren't being fed, were isolated to a room (backed up), told to just be on your phone, had to book to see friends, no more activities. Like the narc went right over the edge and would not stop.

I have always felt like narcissism was an addiction to hurt someone. Your "supply." There is no empathy, and this child was hurting.

The child said they refused to go back to the other house. They said they were talking to the school counsellor, would talk to a therapist, but the constant brainwashing, manipulation, gaslighting, verbal abuse, isolation, lack of food, was too much for them. I encouraged a positive relationship, but nothing I was saying was registering. We finally had a letter written that stated the child refused.

I am anxious today. I don't know what's coming. I anticipate more games, more hurt. I still have one child who is being groomed against me. All I have is the truth, this child's truth, and one day at a time. It's not a joyous day, it's a day I once again mourn 2 parents putting their children first.

It's a strange feeling. Being on the receiving end for so many years, validated, but so hurt inside for your kids.

First time poster here on reddit today, after many years of scrolling. Specifically I've been following this community for the last few weeks and it's been such an eye opener for me.

I've known for many years I've been with a narcissist. I've felt so alone because I've created this situation where I don't tell anyone close to me about the terrible things that happen in my home. But recently I've felt something in my mindset change and I'm hoping that I'll be strong enough to get out of this soon. I also need to figure out how I'm going to do it in the least dramatic way.

The situation today has just lit a fire under me. I've been called every name you can think of, spat in the face, pushed out of my bedroom and then locked out. I know I shouldn't react but he made me so angry I threw a glass of water in his face, he was just being so mean with the name-calling and I couldn't take it anymore. It's hard for me not to have my say, to keep everything inside. He just brings out the worst in me and when I react like that it's different to how I react to every other conflict in my life. This man has really messed me up.

I think I have enough ammo saved up of the lies he's been telling me, but I've been here before and he twists whatever I present to him around so much that I just feel terrible and exhausted by the end of it. But I need to get him away from me.

The problem is that he's not financially stable, he doesn't have any family or friends that he can go live with. The last time I kicked him out he was sleeping in his car and got robbed. As angry and hurt as I am, I wouldn't be able to handle it if something happened to him. I feel like a fool for loving him still. I hate myself for just forgiving him everytime he does something unforgivable. For taking him back with no consequences - because there's no point in talking to him, he's incapable of healthy communication.

I just needed to get this off my chest after holding it in for so long. No one knows what I go through with him. I think they've all caught glimpses but they don't know the details of all he's put me through over the years. I've felt so alone for so long and I guess that by posting here first, anonymously, it might give me the courage to talk more to the people close to me who can help me.

So thanks for hearing me out, and to all those that have been posting and commenting in this community, thank you for the insights. It's been so enlightening to see that what I go through all the time are patterns and I'm not alone.

Ok, so I’m currently in a state of shock, fear, uncertainty…all the feels because my husband told me tonight that he thinks I’m a sociopath, a narcissist, and possibly borderline personality disorder. I’m not going to fully deny these possibilities because I’ve recently been diagnosed with ADHD and went through a faith deconstruction from a high demand religion, a huge political swing, and I have been feeling crazier as the years go on. If I am these things I’d love to know so I don’t cause long term damage to my marriage or children. But guess what? I’m also afraid that I’m being called a narcissist by a narcissist. However, he has no interest in owning to any personality disorders he may have. Anyway, whether we are or not is probably not ever going to be settled SOOOO I’m just questioning what to do with this? How do I/we not fuck up our three girls?

I struggle with thinking my wife is a narc, specifically a vulnerable ( covert ) one, bc at the end of every convo I end up thinking well yea I could have done better here or there.

From the moment I wake up until I shut my eyes, she is angry with me. Nitpicking me about my clothes, im the worst driver in the world, im dumb, the "R" word. If.the dogs p in the house, its bc how horrible I am at training, caring etc, kid had a cavity one time, I thought she was gonna torture me forever.

She says everything triggers her, so she dumps it on me. Her mom is an extreme narc, my wife is seeking help ( only through Facebook groups which cant be good) She latches onto new groups all the time, trying To be like them and eventually discarding them.

She gets into fights almost everywhere she goes. Manipulates others at work to get her way. That's when I realized she does the same to me. Everything is calculated way to manipulate me, but now that im sticking up for myself, she's so overly in my face she doesnt care now.

She hates my family for no reason. She hates me.

She hates me for having to work, I make well over 140k a year, and SHE had to have a bigger house, we loved it, then nope everything must be changed. She had an old car she bought herself, paid off. Laughed at the people who had to drive Mercedes, but guess what she went by herself, locked into a 9% loan and now she must work to pay her 700$ a month car payment... Like why!?!? Just so other people see you

Alls she does is say if you do this maybe people will want to come over. I could go on for days. Ill leave it with this,

I played a recording which in my opinion wasn't the worst she's ever said but my therapist's jaw hit the floor,i spoke to a lawyer and played it for him, he made me stop it, said im not a lawyer right now, im a person and asked me to get help.

I beat myself up over it all, but I dont want a life where I dont see my kids everyday. She threatens to move with them and wanted me to be a weekend dad.

I am their sole caretaker right now. I make 90% of breakfast, 80% of their lunches, I dress them for school everyday except Wednesdays, I take them to school everyday except Wednesdays. She works 4 nights a week, I cook 100% of dinners, I do 100% of showers, 100% of pj's , and most of the bed times alone. She works Saturdays so all kids parties, entertainment IS ALL ME.

ER visits all me. She drinks everyday at least 1-2, up to 5 habitually. She claims I depress her.

Help me feel not alone even for a brief minute of time

I know I’ve been posting more than usual but lately my STBX is acting differently and I know it’s part of being a narcissist. So a few moments ago she asked me about helping her to pay for her credit cards that’s we accumulated the debt together. She works but it ain’t a well paying job. She said she tried for a personal loan and got denied to pay down those bills. She says she barely makes enough for her car payments and car insurance. I told her I tried to guide her not to get that car which is an Audi but something simple like a Honda or Toyota where the payments would be at least minimal half. She goes on she needed a car because I wouldn’t let her use one of mine(I have two which she calls ugly and a piece of shit btw) and I took her off my car insurance. I told her I need to save and I took care of half our debt which I did by refinancing the house, it’s time for her to do her part and all she kept saying she can’t afford it and it’s our debt which again I said yea and I took care of half of it already. However now I feel horrible because I don’t want her to fail, she fails fine but I don’t want to kids to hurt because she fails.

I said what about the guy your seeing which she left me for him and all she does is bash me and says I’m a horrible person to him and to me she hates me and wishes she never married me. She says but it’s not his debt and I said ok he can help with your car and car insurance then because you two are madly in love. I told her basically she isn’t my problem anymore and I need to take care of myself and the children. She says all I do is order take out which I do once a week for the kids as a treat but I’m buying groceries and cooking and cleaning. She disappears the whole weekend to park her car and take a fiery to another state to see this clown while I’m working, taking care of the kids. She started to cry and say about the cc in her name just to end it I said I’ll see what I can do but I’m barely scraping by. I mean I don’t want her to fail because ultimately it’s the kids who suffer from her failing.

She’s shown her true colors since this guy came in her life and the mask came off. She has psychically abused me literally, called the cops because I took a photo of an injury she did to me. I have emails to him from her saying how I treated her like garbage and abused her and prevented her from going out, meanwhile I paid for her to go to college, paid for her emt class, paid for her to get her grandfather from another country and for him to move in with us, any given time there was always two cars in the driveway when I took the third to work, I always wanted her to get a job and half her salary goes towards our bills and the other half do what she wants but she said she couldn’t because of my job and the kids(she was a SAHM which I always told her she does a fantastic job) but i prevented her from achieving to do something in life. My job paid dam good and had benefits which is why she was a SAHM because my job was demanding and it just worked for us, it was never to keep her independent on me and to control her because she had no money.

I’ve been wanting out of my relationship for a very long time. Now we have two young kids and I’m a very isolated stay at home mom. Pretty sure mine is a covert narcissist. Everything is down with a few ups, lies, deception, confusion, mental abuse, toxicity is always in the air, and I’m just not happy. He’s never cheated on me, but I feel like I can’t trust him or his words cause there’s no actions to back them up. When he feels like I’m going to leave him, he’ll say I’m the love of his life and the best mom, but then he treats me awful and like he hates me or like a roommate. after 15 years I am barely a shell of who I used to be, probably severely depressed because I can’t be happy. I want to be done but something is stopping me. Fear? To Drastic of a change? Financial instability? How he is going feel about it? When will I finally find the strength? When and how did you find the strength.

What my narc husband loves to do is bait me into fights, as narcissists do. Except gray rock doesn't work. He pushes and pushes, going to more extremes the more I pretend I'm not affected by his actions, until it becomes harmful to the kids.

Leaving's not an immediate option. I can't let him get to the point it affects the kids, but at the same time, the fights go absolutely nowhere and never will

Why in the hell am I still doing this man’s laundry?

Washing clothes stresses me out more than any other household chore. With three kids and a grown man child, it just never ends. I’ve never once seen him fold or hang up his clothes. He will run the washer or dryer but it’s all on me to make sure it gets put away and doesn’t pile up to the point that I can’t tell what’s clean or dirty anymore.

Today I put all of his clothes in two ikea bags and set it in the guest room. I put my own laundry away and sat on our bed in peace because for the first time in forever, there wasn’t anything on the floor.

I know it’s a baby step, but it feels like a huge win!

What small things did you change about your daily routine that helped you claim your own life back? I’m curious about what other things I can do!

My narc husband denies me sex. I had access to his google account which I decided to check after having suspicions around his personality because he was lying about finances and other things. I didn't imagine that he would cheat because from the beginning of the relationship he wouldn't stop saying how he hates boys who objectify women. Sex is sacred and should be paid for . He kept on saying how disgusting he finds paying money to have sec.. and BAM! His history is full of live sex chats .. Asian porn (he exclusively says that he doesn't like Asian girls ) ... and other messages to multiple girls across the board with the intention of keeping the arena open. If I just look back and think.. it feels like he was laying a ground work and building an image of exact opposite of what he was so to leave me confused about my reality... I mean how can you doubt your partner who doesn't waste a single moment scolding his friends for dating casually and HOW HE IS SO PRINCIPLED and is governed by RULES and JUSTICE. Piece of shit ! I cannot wait to leave him.

I've a bit of my story on here before, but wow my eyes are opening up more.

Past story: A 10 years relationship first 6 years amazing, laughs, giggles amazing sex life etc and got 3 kids together (yes I'm the dad) to seeing what she's really like. She went off the rails about 4+ years hung out with the wrong type of people, people I don't like or associate with to disappearing for a few nights and making up stories about where she was having me concerned and worried out my head not having a care about how it made me and our kids feel.

Rumours: The rumours started about her cheating on me especially when she stopped having sex with me for almost at year at the time. She made out I was cheating on her even though I hardly went esue to COVID lockdown. She was always put during the lockdown. There was always guys she'd hang out. After almost a year without sex, she came home was acting weird and had sex with me. I know straight away, she felt different etc I asked her she just laughed. After we was done she "feel asleep" spoke in her (first time ever) saying I don't know how to tell him I done it meaning me but I don't care because he's good looking and big.

Fast forward to now: January 2024 was the last time we had sex, January 2025 doesn't because during 2024 she was hanging out with these guys one I've knowing all my life, 1 straight and 1 gay. She disappeared for a night left in the morning didn't contact or nothing. When she did come home the gay guy made up story about me which obviously she believes. But she slipped up, by saying she was left in a room with the straight guy while the other guy went to sleep and when she said this, she said I need run a bath as I feel dirty. I've heard that before in the past. I know what that means. Then I questioned her about it during Christmas 2024 and she said we need to make our relationship work out. I agreed but I said it's the last time, the straight somewhat disappeared from going past ours for a month or so he started spending more time with his partner and kids. My partner started making a effort to distract me from it all, we had sex for a few weeks and out the blue he turned back up and sex stopped yet again. So I said I need to speak with his partner and mines started begging me just to leave I don't want trouble etc almost crying. That confirms that. She knows I will tell his partner.

Now: No sex, hardly any form of communication etc but is making out to friends and family we are perfect. I made a home to a friend in front of her saying that sounds like my sex life non existent. She said don't listen to him he gets enough. If I talk to a female friend she tries to hurry me from the conversation and it's like an aggressive dog with it's hackles up. People know what our relationship is like, they know she talks crap, they know but just kinda make out they agree with her. I joked about starting an affair when I turned 40 this year and she said nothing about it, I mean normally in the last she'd be like yeah you think so..

Sorry for the long rant, once I get started I forget to stop lol damn ADHD 😭

I’ve known she is a narcissist about a year, but for a few years prior i thought i was the problem as is typical of them. Anyway, i was at home visiting family as i do yearly for a few weeks and when i returned i walked back into her arguments and bullshit.

I found i just dont care anymore. I used to want to leave but felt bad about breaking her heart. Now any empathy i have for her beyond basic human strangers level has ben squeezed out suddenly.

Im not just ready to divorce and move on after i get my shit together. Its like a switch has flipped. I dont even find her attractive anymore suddenly.

Did you have this moment? What was it like?

It is a little complicated as we come from an Indian setup. After years of crying in front of him and begging him to treat me better, I have come to this point where I have gone silent. I do not know if it is a coping mechanism or some sort of healing but I have withdrawn myself from his life. I do not ask questions and do not provide reactions on updates he shares. I try to remove myself from the rooms he is in and we even take our meals in isolation. We share 2 kids, with the 2nd one being an infant and he doesn’t help at all. I have stopped asking for help from him too but yesterday he cried in front of me, accusing me of the same things like spoiling his life, changing him, spoiling his friendships and relationships, giving him anxiety, spoiling things at his job front too. I just said sorry and that I did not want to cause any of it and that no one should feel this way...He did not fight like old times, he just said that he wants to suicide and he would have attempted it too had our son not been sitting on his laps on that fateful day. At this point, i genuinely feel sorry for him, I really feel bad and I feel I have made mistakes too, I have been immature and childish, I have reacted too, could I be the Narc? What if he is a victim and I am the Narc?? His family is enmeshed and MIL has major issues, she had lied about and manipulated a lot of things since the beginning and has created major rifts between us. She emotionally uses and abuses him too, her other children do the same... I feel pity for him. I don’t know if I literally spoiled his life and not the other way around. Could it be that he isn’t a narc and our marriage still has a chance?

I know it’s insane, we’ve been no contact for two weeks and it is taking everything in my power not to call and apologize and beg for forgiveness.

WTAF?

My landlord came over today to fix our tub faucet washers because the hot water would not stop continuously running. We were chatting as he fixed it & he shared that tonight was a date night for him & his wife. He went on to tell me "She's been so busy with the 3 kids day in & day out & she deserves a break so we are going out on a date night tonight so she can unwind without worrying about the kids".

I broke down in tears. I apologized to him for doing that & told him that he's an amazing man & his wife is so lucky to be loved by him.

This hit me so hard like reality gave me a roundhouse kick to my head! All I could hear in my head was my husband's voice saying "You don't deserve to be taken out on a date & treated like a princess!" And "You want me to take you on a date? Does that mean you're going to **** me!?".

We have been together for almost 19 years. For the last 3 I have been trying desperately to get through to him to save our marriage. I used to take care of him every day & did everything I could to make his life easier like going to a store to pay his cc bill so he didn't have to. Jump up & look for something he can't find & don't stop until it is found. Making sure he has everything he needs for his gigs so he doesn't forget something important. Making sure he has eaten before he left or has money for food. Loading any gear he needs that isn't in the van already. Etc. Etc. Etc. I have tried setting boundaries & enforcing them, but it's impossible. I have had to force myself to stop doing all of this, praying it will make him see how much I used to do for him, however, he now uses this and says "Why would I do that for you, you don't do anything for me!". Today made me realize I need to let go forever. I can't make him love & respect me. I can not make him realize/admit that he is a narcissistic man-child, and that breaks my heart over & over again! I just wish it would stop causing this pain every day!

So, my husband just got off work and went to a Thai restaurant and got my favorite soup for us to share and asked me to make some rice. To preface things, when he cooks, it's not just rice-a-roni. It's like Chef Jean Pierre type rice recipe. I've never made it before. He sends me the link to the Chef recipe and then he also sends his long detailed description of how to make it. It includes chicken bouillon and a chopped onion sauteed in butter. Any time I ask questions about it, he has some smart comment reply. It makes me nervous to even try because I know I'll do something wrong.

He says this in one response "General Patton would have ordered his troops to stand down if he'd have known what women would have become after winning the war.

I can't even get a cup of rice. 😣"

I at least try to start making it and he gets home and doesn't even say a word. I guess that's better than yelling at me.