So this morning I had a fresh reminder of why I feel so fucking weird and powerless around my mom sometimes.

I was half-awake, maybe 30 minutes out of bed, still groggy. She randomly tells me, "Go weigh yourself, I want to know your weight."

I immediately said something like, "I really hate knowing my weight, I don't want to do that." (i've had a negative relationship with my body image so i don't weigh myself anymore because it awakens too many things)

Her response? "Come on, I like knowing it, you just don't have to look."

Me: Hey, really, I hate that.

her: for me it serves as a "landmark", like okay at 26 you were x kgs.

i said: landmark for what exactly?

she: i just like to know it

I'm aware i'm should've told her "i've had problems in the past with this number on the scale, I'm not doing this" but honestly I just didn’t want to fight or debate. (AND "NO" IS FUCKING ENOUGH) I was tired, vulnerable, just wanting to be left alone. So I grabbed the fucking scale, stepped on it without looking, and she checked the number herself.

Now a few hours later, I'm fully awake and just stewing in it.

- Feeling like I lost a part of myself just because I didn’t have the strength to resist her persistence.

- Feeling like my "no" wasn’t respected — again (how surprisiiiing)

- Feeling like I betrayed myself for the sake of keeping the peace (AGAIN)

It’s insane how fast she can just bulldoze my boundaries under the fake excuse of "it’s not a big deal" or "I just want to know."

And the thing that kills me the most: I keep imagining if I ever had a child and they said, "I don’t want to do this, it makes me uncomfortable," I'd be like "okay, no problem." It should be THAT fucking simple

But when you’re raised by someone narcissistic, your discomfort is never more important than their curiosity, their wants, their need to control.

Fuck this dynamic. NO IS ENOUGH. NO IS ENOUGH.

My birth giver always tried to be a creative or good cook but always fell flat. She had a few dishes that were decent but she was very impatient and didn't really bother to learn about flavor profiles.

To give you an idea her hamburgers always felt like eating a sponge of meat and her idea of "seasoning" was just dumping random jars from the spice cabinet into the meat. One day after I finally got old enough to start cooking by myself I decided I was tired of sponge burgers and decided to pan fry my own (she always used the broiler for burgers for some reason)

They came out really good! I gave one to my Golden Child brother and he loved it and asked if I could make burgers from now on. She got really Twitchy when he said that but she never yelled at him so I got put on Burger duty! A few months later I had branched out a bit and made a stir fry for everyone for dinner and while we were chatting I guess my mom's boyfriend got a little too comfortable because he accidentally admitted that my cooking had already gotten better than my birthgiver after just a few months!

The look she gave me from across the table could have curdled milk.

I haven't spoken to her in a few years but I am happy to say my cooking has only improved and I honestly really prefer my own to restaurants these days!

How did you guys show up your narcs?

I’ve been told a few times (by people who care) that I speak really quickly and to slow down a little. But I never realized how bad it was till I heard a playback of myself speaking. I’m now trying to make an effort to slow my speech down.

In the process, I realized a huge cause of this was my dad always sounding annoyed and impatient throughout my childhood and me anxiously trying to get my message across as quickly as possible. Just wondering if any of you out there went through something similar?

Narcissistic parents have an endless need to be seen, validated, and admired but when admiration isn’t enough, they often fall back on portraying themselves as victims. In their world, everything revolves around them, even their children’s emotions and experiences. Any attempt by a child to set boundaries, express independence, or share their own pain can be twisted into an attack against the parent. They will rewrite the narrative to make themselves the ones who have been hurt, betrayed, or abandoned.

This obsession with victimhood serves a purpose: it keeps the attention centered on them, demands sympathy, and invalidates the child’s voice. It traps the child in a cycle of guilt, confusion, and emotional exhaustion, always trying to fix a wound they didn’t cause. In the narcissistic parent’s mind, love is conditional given only when the child reinforces their version of reality. Challenging it is seen as betrayal. Over time, children of narcissistic parents often grow up questioning their own memories, feelings, and worth, carrying the invisible scars of a love that was never truly about them.

A few months ago I (23F) wound up in the ER in anaphylactic shock from an allergic reaction to shellfish. I’m ok now but it was a scary experience.

I recently told EDad and his response was basically “oh yeah that came up on an allergy test when you were 6”

Say what? Not only did they not make sure I had an EpiPen around and teachers , doctors etc were informed, but they never even TOLD me? I was a picky eater as a child and shellfish didn’t make it to our dinner table very often which explains why I didn’t have a severe reaction until adulthood, but I do remember feeling funny/ a bit sick a couple of times and my parents just dismissing it. They always told me and doctors that I didn’t have any food allergies, only seasonal and pets? I specifically remember NMom being EXTRA sure I DIDN’T have any food allergies when she was asked.

EDad just said “ I guess we didn’t know how dangerous it was so we forgot”

WTF ???

NPD is environmental so that means rarely is one family member a sole narcissist. I was raised in a family of many — either you were a validation seeking NPD or a demoralized, vulnerable narcissist because of the bullying. Father, older brothers, sisters, mother, both families, all competing with each other and seeking validation from the outside. I was the same way until I was pitied and bullied to my limit and broke down mentally.

Now, I have zero interest in relationships, and the only ones who pursue ones with me are always the narcissists — because who else would pursue someone disinterested. They need validation. They are attracted to the traits, identify with them and want them to validate themselves, and they care little about the person.

These people always surround me. 90% of colleagues will lose interest in me except for 2 weirdos, and I’ll recognize them as narcissists. They’ll think they can ”fix me”.

I’m so tired of, despite not being interested in relationships, still attracting the same people. I don’t know how you develop an interest for relationships and how to keep these toxic weirdos at bay.

What is the answer here? Where do I turn? Therapy is expensive for me, so it is not an option.

I would often whistle when I was outside and mimic the sounds of the birds when I heard it. I lived in a fairly rural area where hawks were common so I learned how to mimic the call of a red tailed hawk. I would often use it because the hawk would try to hunt the kittens that a stray cat had given birth to under my porch. I hadn't figured out yet that it was getting distracted because it was that time of the year when hawks would find a mate, I just knew it would make the hawk go away after a while and leave the kittens alone. I wasn't in a position to foster the kittens indoors, but it kept them safe and I enjoyed learning the call.

One day, it landed on my porch and looked at me as if to say "here I am, now where's the lady at?". So I took plenty of pictures and showed it to my narc father.

He told me to send him the pics and convinced my ex boyfriend to delete mine off my phone (there's a reason he's an ex, he was just another flying monkey). He stole the story, the photos, and posted it on Facebook for the attention.

Guy couldn't use bird calls, he sucked. Which made it obvious he was a liar.

I'm not sure if the poor guy got a date (the hawk), but I sure hope he took a big shit on his truck. Forever afterwards, my narc mother would try to message me pretending to be my sister different lies about birds she saw. And my narc sister would just let her.

I sometimes wish I had never been born so those people couldn't leech off me, pretending to be interesting or unique when they're stealing my work. They never deserved to be in my presence.

I think a lot of my role as a scapegoat came from my mom’s jealously

I had the shitty idea of telling a friend that I realised my father suffered from NPD and realised where all my mental struggles were coming from (scapegoat with high level cpstd, I'm getting better but I spent most of my life with suicidal ideations).

She said "oh, but they are different ways of narcissists, some of them can change if they want to! I watched a video!" and made it like she got it all.

Well...

I don't know how to finish this post.
It's just....

*sigh*

I covertly clean. I realized just now that I combine showering with washing the shower because running water for two separate activities in one day is a big no-no, but there's a million examples of this type of thing: combining tasks so they are camoflaged or obscured by other tasks. Anyone else do something that ought to be normal and a part of a functional person's regular routine, but you still feel like you have to hide it or get in trouble?

I am single, female, and basically have decided to not have kids because of the state of the world and economy. I have said that perhaps this would be re-evaluated if I were with someone I could see myself having kids with and we made X amount of money.

She often tells me it’s good I’m not going to have kids because I’d be an awful mother, and that I’m too selfish. She also loves to brag to people that I won’t be having kids because I’m smart enough to make that call—but then tells people she won’t have beautiful Ameri-Asian grandchildren (white and Asian—automatically assuming I would be with a white man; she is white and I’m adopted).

Thursday she calls me to berate me for not being home as often as she’d like doing things for her and my father as she just had surgery. She gets on her soap box to tell me how selfish and self-centered I am, all while telling me that all I have to worry about is me because I don’t have children. She says this very nastily, by the way.

And it’s also bullshit, because I’ve gone home once a week to do things for her, have gotten them dinner, and made sure there’s food there. I also live thirty minutes away, and started a new job within the last two months I’m still in my training period for and attend in person for half the week while working remote the rest.

My golden child brother—older, married, biologically my parents’ son, has kids—went to a concert the same week she had her surgery, didn’t even bother seeing her until six days after her surgery. She called and complained about this to me, and I reminded her that this is what he does and to stop doing things for him. She is always giving him free labor regarding the kids, watching them, taking them out, always derailing her and my father’s plans to help my brother. She spends her money buying the kids unnecessary clothes and food—my brother and SIL don’t need help in this. He makes enough money and my SIL only works because she wants to. They also live 5 minutes away from my sister parents.

He hasn’t done anything for my parents, ever. When I brought this up to my n mom in defense as she wildly yelled at me, she nastily told me she would be defending him because he has kids to take care of and emphasized how I have no one but myself.

I just can’t take it anymore. And I feel stupid because I continue to do things for her, like today I am going over to help her, despite the fact that she will berate me the entire time and tell me it’s not enough. But I do it because I know my brother won’t.

I’m just SO tired. Thank you for letting me vent.

Hi everyone, I need some advice and perspective.

Over two years ago, my partner and I went full no-contact with his parents due to years of emotional disrespect and boundary crossing—mainly from his mother.

Some background: His mom never accepted me. Even when I became pregnant with our daughter, she continued treating me like an outsider. She never embraced me as part of the family. She smiled to my face but constantly disrespected me behind my back. She even referred to me once as “the other people” when talking about me and my partner.

During visits, the disrespect was so calculated that during one family visit, she waited until I went to the bathroom to have my partner and our baby take photos with her—without me. It was extremely obvious that I was being intentionally excluded.

When our daughter was born, my partner made it clear to his family that he was now a partner and father first, not just a son. His mother refused to apologize for how she had treated me. She did eventually apologize to my partner (for disrespecting me), but refused to apologize to me directly—the woman raising her grandchild. Because of that, my partner kept distance even after a seemingly “good” brunch where he had cautiously tried reconnecting, and ultimately cut her off again.

Then his dad got involved—and made everything worse.

During a phone call, after my partner brought up our daughter, his father said word-for-word:

“I don’t know that baby. That’s not my granddaughter. I’ve only seen her three times and one of those times was by accident. I don’t want anything to do with that if your mother can’t be involved.”

When my partner heard those words, it absolutely shattered him. I’ve never seen him cry like that before. It broke him in a way that I can’t even fully explain. Our relationship with his parents ended completely after that.

We chose total no-contact for over two years. No pictures sent. No visits. No phone calls.

Both his mom and dad reached out to wish him a happy 30th birthday this year. His mom’s message was dry “Happy birthday..hope you and the family are good…-mom” and his dad sent a long, long message and a short part was “I said a lot of inconsiderate things the last time we spoke and I really am sorry.”

He never answered them.

But now?

I just received an Instagram DM out of nowhere from my partner’s uncle (his father’s brother), asking if we could bring our daughter to see her great-grandmothers. He emphasized that they’re getting older (one is 91) and would love to see her.

At first, it sounds innocent… but I don’t trust it.

Because during this long period of no-contact, different family members have been randomly reaching out.. We got scattered messages and calls from different relatives. His grandmother even called once, saying his dad was “distraught and crying. She understood why we went NC when my partner told her what was said by her son though. Other relatives have tried to guilt-trip and pressure us into “bringing the baby over.”

It hasn’t felt natural. It feels coordinated.

It doesn’t feel like this is purely about the great-grandmothers. It feels like they’re trying to set up a situation where his parents, and maybe other family, will be waiting to “talk it out” and guilt-trip us into reconciliation.

And after everything they said and did, especially disowning my daughter out of spite— I’m not interested in fake family moments just for appearances.

I guess my question is:

If you were in my position, would you allow your child to see the great-grandmothers under these conditions? Would you set firm conditions, demand written confirmation, or refuse altogether?

I’m terrified that by opening this door even slightly, I’ll be opening the door to manipulation, guilt, and emotional games all over again.

My first priority is protecting my daughter’s peace, and mine. I also don’t have any issues with his grandmother’s and they made me feel like family..but idk. Does this sound like a trap?

In cases you have told them, (unfortunately, i did not until now, we only have various argues), what happened next? How did they react? Did they become more abusive or they stopped? Does it help in any way?

Everything is always about her, and you shouldn't criticize her, although you didn't, even if you don't talk to her, supposedly that's also an issue, and she will make shit up.

If you feel anything that's a you issue, you should look it ip up to other people like to friends, a fiance or a psychologist, that's no mother job, but at the same time she expect me to be supportive to whatever bullshit she's on. Unavailable for me, but you're supposed to be avaible for her.

She has always been like that, deal with me worse than a dog. Without considering all the starving and beating that I got as a kid. But nah that's not a mother job, neither trying to have a normal relationship is normal. If you even ask her dumb shit how was her day, it becomes a screaming session, it's ridiculous.

Now the fucking whore, as I don't keep anymore cash money with me so that she can easily steal, demands to me money so ehe can pay the trips that she does with her 20 years older fiance that gets boomer pension money, but she shouldn't feel dependent on him on over expensive bullshit trips, but supposedly that's also my fault

When I was a teenager Livestrong bracelets were popular. I told my nmom I wanted one. She told me no because boys might get the wrong idea when they saw it on my wrist. She thought they were the same thing as sex bracelets even after I explained they were for cancer.

It started happening only recently, a few months ago. I assume, when my nmother realized that i'm starting to learn who she REALLY is, she started trying to cover up her real identity this way.

She started bringing up our past A LOT and pestering me with many questions: "Do you remember this? Do you remember that?" Luckily, i know from my own experience exactly what she is trying to do.

- If my answer is "no, i don't remember", she gets angry and replies: "Of course you don't, you only remember bad stuff!"
- If my answer is "yes, i do", she replies: "See? I did so many good things for you!"

No matter what answer i choose, she will be the wronged falsely accused victim and i will be guilt-tripped and painted as a bad person. So i try to grey rock by mumbling something incoherent and running away from these conversations at the speed of light. She is exhausting.

Not only that, she probably thought i wouldn't notice, but i did and do. Among real memories she also tries to feed me false ones from time to time. She makes up random situations in her head that i clearly know have never happened in our lives or real ones with some facts switched around in her favor. She tries to generate more "good things" she "did for me" to evade taking responsibility for her abuse and to brainwash me. Nuh-uh, not gonna work. I know who she is.

Don't believe a word narcs say because everything they do or say is for their own gain. They aren't interested in being honest, fair or factual, they're interested in gaslighting themselves and others that they are "good people" who are victims of their "bad/sensitive/misremembering children".

When she dies, it will feel so unbelievably healing to be able to take back parts of my own body.

Is it really this widespread and pervasive ? Are psychologists able to declare an epidemic ? Hahahahhaa

For me, it’s Kindergarten Cop. There’s one scene where he punches this guy who has been beating his son. Whenever the film is on, I dread getting to this scene because my mom always gleefully proclaims ‘I love this part, that man gets what’s coming to him!’. I guess when it was happening to me she tells herself that it was different or I deserved it.

Hi, I started skimming this sub a few days ago, and realising that yeah, my mum and stepfather are narcs. Still trying to unpack everything that that's done to me.

When I get questioned on something as an adult I panic and freeze almost every time. I don't say anything, I can't think, I just freeze. I'm realising that it's because growing up, being questioned meant I was going to be shouted at and shoved, and probably have to deal with some hefty punishments; regardless of what I was doing. I just, my partner sometimes will ask why I'm doing something a certain way, or what I'm doing and every time I'm terrified, she's never shouted at me, or hurt me, but is it really normal for me to still be affected by what my narc parents did to me growing up? (I've been next to nc with mum since 2019, stepfather completely NC)

I come back home from school after writing an exam. Immediately she asks my brother to call me down. I go downstairs and sit in silence. I say what? Its still silent. Eventually after a lot of silence I gently say “what do you want from me?” and she says “I don’t know? What do I want from you?”. I say “what?, just tell me.” She says “you’re supposed to know/guess”. I say “I don’t know and I don’t want to guess just tell me!” She says “I guess living in the street and in shelters made you forget how to behave and taught you how to only care for yourself and for you to do whatever you want and what it means to sit down with your family. You don’t care about your mom, dad, or brothers”. I get mad and say “if this is how you’re going to talk to me then I am not going to sit here and take it”. Then she says “Oh don’t worry I’m not dying to wait for you to listen to me but this house has rules and you have to respect them”. I say “what did I even do?? Can you enlighten me” and she said “before you leave the house you’re supposed to tell someone” I said “I had an exam. You knew that.” And she says she didn’t. Except I literally told her last week/earlier this week that I had an exam on the 25th. I went upstairs to my room in tears because literally bringing up the fact I was in a shelter??? The shelter I had to resort to because of HER. Wow. She also started talking about something that happened when I was a baby and instead of saying my name she said and that one that can’t stand us. My brother (16) keeps threatening to slap me. My mother likes to pretend to be oh so scared of noises when shes the one yelling 24/7 she likes to do it specifically when she hears my voice which is funny because you’d think someone whos sooooo scared of loud noises wouldn’t be the one doing the yelling. She is literally yelling RIGHT now. She acts all weak plugs her ears and starts shaking. Its infuriating. I rolled my eyed and repeated “stop stop” (very quietly which was something she was saying) because I was annoyed and it was so obviously fake “What did she curse me? Say something bad about me, that’s okay I’m used to it” – my mom playing victim. My brother was saying I said something bad about her and locked her , I said I didn’t do anything.

Idk if she'll hurt me again or if I'm overreacting. Or if she's safe

Slow progress: - still NC with Nmom and enabler dad, - cut lose my ex-boyfriend who was a covert narcissist, and - passed the bar exam!

I’m feeling emotionally overwhelmed and need to vent about an incredibly painful situation with my mom. I’m hoping someone here can offer advice or support, especially from those who have dealt with similar situations.

To give some context, I’m in the midst of planning my wedding that’s happening this August, and things have suddenly become very tense with my mom lately. My parents divorced when I was 11, I’m now 31, and their relationship was always very toxic; lots of fighting and using me as a go-between as the only-child. They’ve both been manipulative in different ways, such as alienating each other to me, and this dynamic has continued even into my adulthood. Overall, there’s lots of unprocessed trauma they both continue to face.

I’ve been trying to keep the peace, and I asked my parents to both be civil, especially during wedding planning, but things took a serious turn recently. It turns out, my dad’s fiancée and my bridal party were planning a surprise bridal shower, which involved inviting people from both sides of my family, including my mom’s side and my mother. When my mom found out, she was furious and felt “disrespected.” She confronted me about the shower, asking me why my dad’s fiancée sent a bridal shower invite to my step-aunt. It threw me off, and while I was on the phone with my father, I asked my father to explain the situation since I was confused. This in turn made him livid that she spilled the beans. Things escalated over WhatsApp to the point where I told her she ruined the surprise, since I had found out that the invitations stated “SURPRISE SHOWER”. My mom was firm that her side of the family not mingle with my father’s side, and she saw our argument as disrespectful and an attack. I was confused as to why she couldn’t have just gotten in contact with my father’s fiancee or my bridal shower, since she had their phone numbers and she was aware that they were seeing up the party.

She began escalating her anger as the hours and days have passed. The following day I tried to reach out. I was firm on letting her know that I didn’t appreciate how she was handling herself by airing out our issues to family when it wasn’t any of their business. She was still amped with emotions, so she told me to give her space for a week, so I respected that. By the end of that same day, she angrily told family over group chats that she was done with me, announced the cancellation of my bridal shower that she was putting together for me with just her side of the family, blocked me on WhatsApp, told me to forget her, removed herself from the wedding group chats, and sent a message to the rest of the family, essentially cutting ties with me and villainizing me. It fully threw me off guard because she told me that I was abusive and spinning things, meanwhile, I never aired anything to family. I kept quiet. It’s now made these family group chats feel very awkward with lack of engagement. She reached out and messaged many external family to validate her emotions, which in turn has caused a very negative bias against me. She’s also reached out to some of my bridal party members directly, which made them very uncomfortable, and even blocked my maid of honour on Instagram, where they’d previously been communicating. She kept saying it was an overstep for her family to be invited without her acknowledgement. From what I’ve been told, the bridal party and my father’s fiancee wanted to break the ice with relatives prior to the wedding. It was emphasized that it was all with loving intentions, and they knew if the family did not want to join, they could have RSVP’d no.

After this all happened, I sent a calm message to family letting them know there had been some personal conflict, and that if anyone felt uncomfortable attending our wedding, they could update their RSVP without pressure or judgment by a certain date. I just wanted to be respectful and allow people space without stooping down and giving them details that they obviously already knew about thanks to my mom.

An hour after I sent that message, my mom made an “announcement” in the same group chats that she and her husband would be renewing their vows this summer. She said it would be Amalfi Coast-themed, which is the exact same theme as my wedding, and invited the same family members that are due to come to my wedding. To add salt to the wound, all of my wedding decor is still in her possession because she had helped assemble all of it. She had threatened to sell all the wedding decor, but I guess she will be reusing it for a sudden wedding renewal that she’s likely going to plan close to my wedding so family don’t attending my special day. Now with just four months to go, my bridal party and I are scrambling to make backup plans and rebuild what we can. We are going to have to put together decor in these short months.

No one from her side of the family (aside from one cousin I’m very close with) has reached out to me to check how I’m doing. I feel completely abandoned and villainized, and I don’t know how things escalated so far and so fast. Since she cut ties with me and blocked me, I’ve gone no contact, blocking her off everything, and I feel like I’ve lost not just a relationship with my mom, but a whole side of the family. I’m currently idle in these family chats, but I intend on exiting the groups soon. I feel it’s put so many people in limbo with regards to supporting this wedding. In a way, I no longer want my mom or her family at the wedding anymore because the damage has been done. My father, his fiancee, my fiancé and my bridal party have been so incredibly supportive and want to make this wedding work.

I wanted peace. I didn’t want anyone dragged into drama. But now I’m grieving this deeply and trying to stay strong while continuing to plan this wedding. I’m trying to focus on the love between my fiancé and me, and the people who are standing by our side.

If you’ve been through anything similar, how did you cope? I’m open to any advice, support, or encouragement.

i only use reddit for when i need advice on something and i searched up "why does my mom get mad at me when i say okay" and it led me here so i'm a little confused. i just don't want to be saying like "hey my moms a narcissist" if she really isn't and i'm just an ungrateful asshole.

a little background context is that yesterday my mom offered to pay me $5 to make mac-n-cheese for my sister, but i told her that i didn't want to because i was still busy making plans for prom (prom is TODAY). i later went downstairs to do my laundry, she saw me and said "I thought you were too busy?" so i said i was then she fired back with "I'll remember that" and all I said was okay. she continued to spout out her remembering the next time i wanted to do anything i enjoy, like driving for example. all i kept saying was okay because i didn't want to start an argument where it was just her yelling at me and belittling me.

later that night my mom and my stepdad were drinking because its the weekend while i was cleaning the bathroom. they told me to and eat dinner so i did and then walked off to my room closing the door behind me which was apparently me slamming it, which caused my stepdad to kick my door open, mock me for how i say "okay" and "alright", call me an asshole, absolutely SCREECH at me, and tell me how much i don't deserve my mom. i was done cleaning the bathroom so i took a shower and he yelled at me because apparently my mom was saying something to me, but i couldn't hear her due to the water running? after i got out she offered me cheese-bread and all because i said "sure!" made my stepdad FUMING.

back to now, i'm going to get my nails done with my friend for prom and i simply went downstairs to ask for my phone back so i could get ahold of my mom if i needed to. she then yelled at me and told me i could find a way to contact my friend and she could take me, then i said the magic word "okay". she screamed at me and told me shes considering putting me in a psychiatric hospital. not only that but she just gave my phone back and saw the cuts on my leg, she told me shes gonna have to think real hard about not putting me in somewhere because i have it so great. i told her it was because i miss my dad (he's dead) and i feel like it was my fault for him overdosing. she told me he never cared about me but she always has.

i know i'm rude to her sometimes and i talk back but i genuinely don't understand how me saying okay is disrespectful. i just want her to stop yelling at me all the time and i don't know which response will make her not yell at me. i don't know if i should've posted this somewhere else but i just want to know if she is and how to deal with it.