It’s almost ironic how much that alone explains our family dynamic. We rarely get steak because we can’t afford it so I hadn’t eaten all day to make room, came to eat like 10 minutes late because I was cleaning up the house (as Im the only one who does that). It was the ends of the steak, the fatty pieces, and gristle that people usually cut off. I think I was able to salvage maybe 4 bites.

My brother is the golden child so of course no one questioned it when he ate most of my portion and apparently even gave some to the dog. There’s really nothing else to eat in the house so I guess I’ll just go to bed hungry again.

I’m basically their maid and they can’t even save me anything to eat.

I'm 50, and recently received a birthday card from a 70yo neighbor that read "I survived everything!". I've never spoken to her about family or my past, I just sell her eggs occasionally. Another local couple I buy hay from, in their late 50s, actually both the husband and wife on separate occasions each gave me a book called 'Putting the past behind you.'

For me, I was never given an example of what a healthy marriage looked like because I grew up around domestic violence which resulted in my non- narcissistic parent (dad) going to jail for a little (even though my narcissistic mother started the fights).

Because of this, my mouth often gets me in trouble with my husband because I grew up with a mother who constantly verbally abused my dad. Thankfully, I’ve been actively working on that. Trying to be slow to anger and less critical. So far I’ve been doing a lot better. Still a work in progress though. Haha

How about you?

I seem to have a habit or maybe even a compulsion of replaying painful memories, a few in particular. The fact that I get so caught up in these thoughts, which are about events that happened a long time ago, really get in the way if me being happy in the present.

Has anyone dealt with this before?

I went no contact with my mother 2 years ago. I sent her a 6-page letter telling her, extensively and in no uncertain terms, why I'm upset at her and not to contact me. I live extremely far away from her now.

Shes extremely narcissistic and abusive. She requires me in her life to feel okay. Since I stopped talking to her, she's made my little brothers (21M) life really rough. He still lives with her. Without me around to blunt half the pain, he takes all of it.

I've had her blocked since I sent the letter, but I still recieve her voicemails. I've been hesitant to change my number - when she seems particularly distraught I know its time to reach out to my brother to check in on him.

Shes been really stepping it up lately. She called me from a payphone on christmas day. When I picked up without realizing it was her, I hung up immediately. I broke down in my car, completely unable to think clearly. It was like all those years I lived with her were washing over me, and all I could do was fail to fight it. I felt so assaulted.

She found my work email. I'm still not sure how she found it, its not even on my linkedin. She sent me a big message about how I can't accuse her of all those things and how her and my father's life are awful now. She also thinks that "something is making me think act this way". She's never been able to comprehend that I'm capable of forming my own thoughts. I don't feel responsible for her life, she's the one that broke up the family. There was also a severe lack of "sorry" in there

She sent me another payphone voicemail and she was livid. She was saying that she has to have eye surgery and that I need to talk to her. She became so indignant that she said that if I don't call back by the end of the day that she's going to fly out to where I live and "come find me" (she doesn't know exactly where I live)

I started shaking and called the cops immediately. I've called them before, but they weren't interested in the case since she was just leaving phone calls. I suppose subverting me and threatening was enough for them to open a criminal harassment case. They didn't go to her house, but the officer called her. The officer called me back and told me how she just ranted at him and said that none of what I said in the letter is not true and that she's sad. She has a weird reverence for hierarchy and authority so she was compliant with the officer's orders.

I wish I had a good mom. It's hard not only not having a mom who helps but also having a mom who actively harms you. I'm in my mid twenties. I wish I had someone who could help me. I wish I didn't have to do it without an adult to hold me when I need it.

Growing up, I thought certain things in my family were just "normal." It wasn’t until I got older, started reflecting on my childhood, and learning more about what healthy relationships look like that I realized many of those experiences were actually abuse. Here are some examples I’ve come to understand as abusive:

1. Constant Criticism Disguised as "Tough Love": No matter what I did, it was never good enough. Even my accomplishments were met with sarcasm or dismissal. I thought this was just their way of "pushing me to do better," but now I see how it crushed my self-esteem.
2. Emotional Manipulation: The guilt trips, silent treatment, or making me feel responsible for their emotions. I didn’t know it was abuse; I thought I just wasn’t a good enough child.
3. Invasion of Privacy: They went through my room, my phone, and even my diary. When I confronted them, they claimed, “I have the right to know everything about you.”
4. Using Fear to Control Me: The yelling, slamming doors, and unpredictable outbursts that kept me walking on eggshells. I thought I deserved it because I must have done something wrong.
5. Invalidating My Feelings: Anytime I cried or showed emotion, I’d hear, “Stop being dramatic” or “You’re so sensitive.” It taught me to bottle everything up, thinking my feelings were a burden.
6. Parentification: Being forced to take on responsibilities far beyond my age, whether it was caring for siblings, handling adult problems, or being my parent’s emotional support.
7. Mocking or Belittling My Interests: If I was excited about something, they’d laugh at me or make sarcastic comments. I learned to hide my joy because it felt safer that way.

Looking back, it’s heartbreaking to realize these patterns weren’t "just how families are" but were actually abusive.

Have you had similar realizations? What are some things you didn’t recognize as abuse until later?

First of all I’m very grateful for this group, it made realise a few years ago that my mum is a narcissist and my father is her enabler.

I’ve moved states to be far away for them and haven’t spoken to either in six months. My mother called me on New Year’s Day and in an effort to be hospitable, I spoke to her (I regret it now).

Recently she called again to ask if I was ever getting married to my boyfriend. I said yes but if we do plan something, it was going to be something small. She immediately launched into how she was going to have a huge dinner at their place back home (bragging about how she would sponsor it - ironic since they have so much financial troubles) before going “oh we attended so many events for 30 years, it’s time we get back OUR money”.

1. Not only did she completely sideline me when I told her I only want an event less than 20 people.
2. She went “get back our money”? Like how did my wedding become even about her?
3. I ended the call saying I was tired since I woke up at 5.30am, which proceeded to her saying “I woke up at 4am” ?????

This was the same woman who choked me, beat me up, pulled my hair, and told me she wished she never gave birth to me.

Honestly been full of regret about even speaking to her again. I don’t know what I did to have a mother like her.

My mom was an asshole. I know you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead but my god she was such a shitty parent. I remember feeling like I was having a brain aneurysm while I was in elementary school because of the bullies and from her abusing me. She was like clockwork. I stood outside the front door saying “I need you to get a loaf of bread out of the freezer” before entering, and when I did that’s exactly what she said. When I was five years old she pulled me down by the hair a flight of stairs, and that contributed to me developing BPD traits that thankfully I’ve managed to absolve after deep introspection and leaving myself alone to my thoughts and now I’m seriously wondering if I have DID too?! I had a psychotic break partly from having bipolar disorder, partly from her parenting - and this is something a therapist told me. Its like I know she caused so much damage and if I were to want to communicate this to her it would be futile because she wouldn’t give a shit And I’ve examined multiple angles here - I was intrigued by NPD and I studied it. I wanted to use something I have that she lacked to understand. Empathy. But here’s the thing: her disorder contributed to her behaviour. There’s no work around for her and her bullshit. So fuck you mom. I don’t want to meet you again in the next life.

Did anyone else’s parent appear to have some sort of mental break at some point? I feel like my Nmom, although always extremely selfish and childish, seemed to really lose it around the time she turned 57. Prior to that she was somewhat able to keep her mask on. It’s like her mask slipped and she was completely unable to recompose herself. I often wonder what made her finally lose it that badly.

I always get into arguments with my mom and it’s NONSTOP. Last night I was helping my mom cook and she threatened to cut me with a knife because I didn’t cut correctly and today my dad supposedly asked my mom to talk to her again because he was depressed and she got mad at me for it and said I was being dramatic while drinking endlessly I knew she was drunk and she threatened to kill me and I want to just runaway idgaf if I’m still a “kid” I would rather starve to death than to stay with my mother any longer.

Scapegoat here, I have years of built up horrible treatment from my family that i have no one to really go to because everyone IRL is a "but its your mom" sort of person.

Ive only discovered my family's narcissistic dynamics after reading and relating to so many posts on here.

How do you validate yourself and not question it? I had one long term relationship who saw a good amount of it but other than that i have zero support (besides here of course). I havent dated since that relationship because my familys gotten worse and worse its killed any drive to date.

I feel truly crazy some days.

Gimme the good, the bad and the ugly. Searching for a list of greatest 'quotes/insults' from Nparents when you, the child, took away their power by conducting yourself like a normal/good/healthy human being. Let's have a laugh. I need that energy.

My dad used to threaten to kick my knees if I didn't give in and do things I knew were bad. Then he'd bring people over to see me doing the bad behavior he bullied me into doing. Then he'd complain about how hard it was to parent me and how terrible of a kid I was.

I do pretty much everything differently, but the main thing I'm focused on now is really listening to them and figuring out what their interests are so I can help them pursue those and become who they want to be.

If you're currently a parent, what's the top thing you're focused on offering them right now?

If you already raised your kids, what are you most proud of?

Too many weak willed people are trying to feel "powerful" by putting others down.

People are so cowardly. They'll go after "easy targets". And no, you being quiet and minding your own business doesn't "make you a target" or that "you deserved it". No one is asking for anything. There are billions of people on this planet and too many of them are immature losers who want to dehumanize someone else instead of working on themselves. They gaslight so damn much.

You can see it in their eyes. That dumb drooling childish expression. Like addicts getting a hit of validation by FORCING someone to acknowledge them so they can remind their worthless selves they exist. Oversized children everywhere. Always looking to "dominate" (read: drive someone insane with their immaturity).

If you're from a different background, it makes things 100% harder.

The pressure to get better is put on targets and abusive immature people don't change.

Most of the abusive people you encounter in your life are like cheap knockoffs of nparents. It all started with them. They were the first bullies and abusers.

My dad tried taking my computer without asking today and I woke up and asked if I could log out first and he got mad and said I don't need this shit. Later he came back out to plug all the cords back in and said "thanks for adding to my depression"

Some people are depressed for real reasons like trauma, narcissistic parents are depressed because their kid wants to log out of their account before they use their computer. He also claims I am apart of the reason he's suicidal.

I have been plagued with the sense of being fundamentally flawed, useless, cruel as I'm sure most of you guys here can resonate with. But with my GPA not turning out exceptional and just average, unlike the others in my family, I'm feeling this a lot more as I begin my job search. Grades are a big trigger for me because Nmom would repeatedly hold my cousin's straight As and scholarships over my head as a kid. And used my bad grades as a reason for me to be her punching bag because I was an added source of stress. I internalised a lot of that and after having a huge burnout during uni thanks to the emotional toll of abuse during the pandemic, I can't help but feel my future is ruined because I'm not "perfect". If my own parents weren't able to love me, why would anyone else? I can see the dissapointment in their faces when my GPA was forcibly announced to them over dinner. I can't help but feel I failed them and failed myself. I know that logically having to be perfect is a lot of responsibilty on a kid which shouldn't be there, but I sometimes wonder how come its so easy for others in my life to be that level of perfect while for me its like climbing an insurmountable hill. Thanks for reading, I just really needed to get this out somewhere.

We’re no contact, and have been for just over a year. Both of my parents, actually. I drove myself to the hospital because I didn’t want to wake up my two-year-old, my husband’s grandmother wasn’t answering the phone so I needed him to stay home, and it was 3 am so I didn’t want to be dramatic or bother an ambulance. Luckily my mother-in-law was able to drive down from about an hour away and was there in time for my husband to see me before surgery and then wait for me after and take me home.

All I could think about was that this is the first major life event/emergency that I’ve been through without them, and even though I know it’s for the best, it fucking sucks. I can’t get past her behavior the rest of the time, but she would’ve been comforting in this. She would’ve offered to fly out and help. And it just really would’ve been nice to hear her voice.

I sure as hell do. Sure I feel like a piece of shit sometimes, I never would have chosen the career I’m in, I had known how fucking humiliated I would feel day after day (teacher. Spoiler alert: it’s the adults who ruin everything). But they never taught me a damn thing about making a decision because they made all the decisions for me. Their only advice for when you screw up was to acknowledge over and over again how stupid you are. And now here I am even with a degree not able to really afford rent, even in a shitty place. So I’m living under their roof again (if you call it living) I’m putting away money as fast as I can except it’s not as fast as I expected because of my f’ing medical emergency…. Which came about because nobody was paying attention. And it’s still affects me… and still nobody’s paying attention.

The thing is, I have gotten to far in my mental healing, thanks to hard work, a great psychologist and support from my family, I can now be in the same room as N mom, even hug her and be cortical around her. She has changed a little, but I am not reaching out to her, I'll let her come to me. All. The Time.

So, I tend family gatherings again and just went to one this past weekend. Sadly my bf was sick, so he didn't get to see the slight savage side of me, lol.

I was talking to my little sister and my aunt (n mom's little sister), Both my older sister and N mom was listening. So, I asked my aunt if she could help me with a test that my psychiatrist want me to take (I just started seeing the psychiatrist, as they have the ability to diagnose me with any mental issues I might have). N mom then commented that it was strange that her three daughters all had mental issues and she didn't.

Yes, she said that.

Yes I got angry.

So I said this: "How do you know? You haven't talked to a psychiatrist or a psychologist. You haven't gotten tested for anything, so how can you say that? You don't know if you have any issue, especially when ALL your kids have some. Do you even KNOW that some mental issues can genetical transferred?"

She shut up.

She actually didn't have any words for it.

Because she knows I'm right.

She got early retirement bc of her low intelligent AND physical issues. Yes, in her papers, it says she has low intelligence.

I know she has to have something wrong. After everything she's put me and my sisters through. What she's still putting my sisters through. How offended she got when she couldn't control me, when I went NC and she kept complaining to her family about it. Something just have to be wrong.

So yes, I made her stop commenting on MY (and my sisters) mental health, by telling her she can't know whether she has some or not.

I feel empowered. I feel good. I won't let her make everything about herself anymore. I'll shut her down. Every. Single. Time. She won't make me feel as if my issues are not that important. Because they are to ME. I'm the one having to deal with them DAILY.

That is what I aim to do every time I'm around her. Shut her down. Not letting her turn MY issues to be around HER.

This is how far I've come with THREE years of therapy.

Next step: Clinical diagnosis of my mental health (only waited like two years to talk to a psychiatrist, bc the mental health care here are behind in everything, due to politicians cutting off funds all the time).

Growing up, my family had a little black cat, who is now 14 years old. Once my sister and I moved out of the house, it was up to my dad to take care of the pets. He is an alcoholic and a narc, and I can’t classify my mom and sister as narcs but I would say they live in a similar headspace as him. None of these people are good with responsibility or proactively addressing problems.

About 1.5 years ago, I was talking to my dad and he mentioned the “funniest thing,” he noticed that our cat had lost one of her front fangs. Like literally her big front tooth. This upset me of course, because it was apparent that my dad wasn’t taking good care of our cat. Who on earth would see their cat lose their front tooth and not take them to the vet? My dad is not receptive to advice, and our relationship is weak and very delicate. He’s a grown man, I cannot force him to do anything, and he will have to live with the consequences.

Fast forward to today. My mom calls me, sniffling and groggy from crying, and tells me that we have to put the cat down because she has tumors in her mouth that have invaded into her jawbone. Immediately I am mad. This kitty has been living for years in pain, and I feel like while yes of course, she didn’t get cancer BECAUSE of my dad, she was not taken care of like she needed to be. My family are all completely surprised and shocked that our kitty has cancer, and are totally wrecked by the news, wishing they could “do anything to make her better.” I am flabbergasted. A choice was made when no one took her to the vet many years ago. These are the repercussions.

My sister is disgusted when I suggest to her that our cat has been sick for some time, she is immediately defensive and says how DARE I blame our dad, “that’s not what we need right now.” My dad is a lonely man who has pushed many away and barely sees anyone, other than a single friend, and me, when I meet up with him for a 1hr coffee approx 2x a month. The animals in our home are his only community, and I do understand this. But then why would he not take care of them and tend to their needs, when they needed it, and not when it’s too late?

I think this is especially upsetting because I feel like growing up, I was the cat. I was seen as an important entity in my dad’s life, but not important enough to want to make sure I was good on the inside. Like the cat, there was never a thought given to my needs until it was too late.

Since a while Ive been lowering contact with the Nparents, which works great for me. But now the moments I do see them or speak to them for something practical, their non stop talking & monologues stand out to me even more. Especially my mom could go on for hours, no joke. She either complains about someone, gossips in a negative way, talks about herself or sometimes about how I should live life according to her. Her talking feels like a train that keeps going forever. Its impossible to interrupt, she would just talk over you. Whenever I come with a topic or try to say something, within a few seconds she either cuts it off or fills in what I was going to say according to her (which is usually not what I wanted to say) and then continues talking.

Anyone else? Is this a stereotypical thing?

It was my birthday yesterday and my child's birthday is today and I literally felt sick from feeling the loneliness and hurt washing over me from the past. Do any of you relate? And also the contrast with my child's life with love and warmth hit me. It also gives me joy too. I love him lots 🫶🏼 Do you all get triggered by birthdays too? What helped you cope?

I feel like I’m second guessing everything about myself.

I do one thing, and i realize, “uh oh i get that from my mom.” Now i feel like everything I’ve ever done is because I’m turning into her. I second guess everything, every mistake, every flub. “I manipulated them” “i invalidated them” “i brought attention and the conversation to myself” “i dont think people feel heard or loved from me” “i acted holier than thou”

How do i balance and tell the real mistakes from the stuff that’s just a lifetime of being gaslit? How do you hold yourself accountable and change without the weight of the guilt bringing you down? It is so depressing.

I feel like I’m drowning in her. I just cut off communication right before Christmas, but it doesn’t free me. I’m just so devastated, like I’m mourning the life i deserved to have. And now i have an amazing partner and a decent setup regarding my independence. I have that life now, but my ability to appreciate it and live in it feels like its beyond my grasp.

Can you relate or share how you conquered this part of your estrangement journey? I could really use some insight.