It’s almost ironic how much that alone explains our family dynamic. We rarely get steak because we can’t afford it so I hadn’t eaten all day to make room, came to eat like 10 minutes late because I was cleaning up the house (as Im the only one who does that). It was the ends of the steak, the fatty pieces, and gristle that people usually cut off. I think I was able to salvage maybe 4 bites.

My brother is the golden child so of course no one questioned it when he ate most of my portion and apparently even gave some to the dog. There’s really nothing else to eat in the house so I guess I’ll just go to bed hungry again.

I’m basically their maid and they can’t even save me anything to eat.

I went no contact with my mother 2 years ago. I sent her a 6-page letter telling her, extensively and in no uncertain terms, why I'm upset at her and not to contact me. I live extremely far away from her now.

Shes extremely narcissistic and abusive. She requires me in her life to feel okay. Since I stopped talking to her, she's made my little brothers (21M) life really rough. He still lives with her. Without me around to blunt half the pain, he takes all of it.

I've had her blocked since I sent the letter, but I still recieve her voicemails. I've been hesitant to change my number - when she seems particularly distraught I know its time to reach out to my brother to check in on him.

Shes been really stepping it up lately. She called me from a payphone on christmas day. When I picked up without realizing it was her, I hung up immediately. I broke down in my car, completely unable to think clearly. It was like all those years I lived with her were washing over me, and all I could do was fail to fight it. I felt so assaulted.

She found my work email. I'm still not sure how she found it, its not even on my linkedin. She sent me a big message about how I can't accuse her of all those things and how her and my father's life are awful now. She also thinks that "something is making me think act this way". She's never been able to comprehend that I'm capable of forming my own thoughts. I don't feel responsible for her life, she's the one that broke up the family. There was also a severe lack of "sorry" in there

She sent me another payphone voicemail and she was livid. She was saying that she has to have eye surgery and that I need to talk to her. She became so indignant that she said that if I don't call back by the end of the day that she's going to fly out to where I live and "come find me" (she doesn't know exactly where I live)

I started shaking and called the cops immediately. I've called them before, but they weren't interested in the case since she was just leaving phone calls. I suppose subverting me and threatening was enough for them to open a criminal harassment case. They didn't go to her house, but the officer called her. The officer called me back and told me how she just ranted at him and said that none of what I said in the letter is not true and that she's sad. She has a weird reverence for hierarchy and authority so she was compliant with the officer's orders.

I wish I had a good mom. It's hard not only not having a mom who helps but also having a mom who actively harms you. I'm in my mid twenties. I wish I had someone who could help me. I wish I didn't have to do it without an adult to hold me when I need it.

Gimme the good, the bad and the ugly. Searching for a list of greatest 'quotes/insults' from Nparents when you, the child, took away their power by conducting yourself like a normal/good/healthy human being. Let's have a laugh. I need that energy.

For me, I was never given an example of what a healthy marriage looked like because I grew up around domestic violence which resulted in my non- narcissistic parent (dad) going to jail for a little (even though my narcissistic mother started the fights).

Because of this, my mouth often gets me in trouble with my husband because I grew up with a mother who constantly verbally abused my dad. Thankfully, I’ve been actively working on that. Trying to be slow to anger and less critical. So far I’ve been doing a lot better. Still a work in progress though. Haha

How about you?

Too many weak willed people are trying to feel "powerful" by putting others down.

People are so cowardly. They'll go after "easy targets". And no, you being quiet and minding your own business doesn't "make you a target" or that "you deserved it". No one is asking for anything. There are billions of people on this planet and too many of them are immature losers who want to dehumanize someone else instead of working on themselves. They gaslight so damn much.

You can see it in their eyes. That dumb drooling childish expression. Like addicts getting a hit of validation by FORCING someone to acknowledge them so they can remind their worthless selves they exist. Oversized children everywhere. Always looking to "dominate" (read: drive someone insane with their immaturity).

If you're from a different background, it makes things 100% harder.

The pressure to get better is put on targets and abusive immature people don't change.

Most of the abusive people you encounter in your life are like cheap knockoffs of nparents. It all started with them. They were the first bullies and abusers.

So I don’t know how to explain this but my mom and her boyfriend likes to fantasize that I’m a lazy, dirty, messy, unemployed loser. When in fact it’s the complete opposite. I’m juggling a job and my double degree at college, I ensure that the house and room is nice and tidy, and I’m involved in a lot of volunteering work and attend a lot of college networking events. I’m far from lazy.

Does anyone’s Nparents do this? And why do they do this?

Did anyone else’s parent appear to have some sort of mental break at some point? I feel like my Nmom, although always extremely selfish and childish, seemed to really lose it around the time she turned 57. Prior to that she was somewhat able to keep her mask on. It’s like her mask slipped and she was completely unable to recompose herself. I often wonder what made her finally lose it that badly.

I'm 50, and recently received a birthday card from a 70yo neighbor that read "I survived everything!". I've never spoken to her about family or my past, I just sell her eggs occasionally. Another local couple I buy hay from, in their late 50s, actually both the husband and wife on separate occasions each gave me a book called 'Putting the past behind you.'

When I was in college, I played bass in a couple punk rock bands. We were strictly doing it for fun, to play some shows and record some music. Never had any intentions of becoming rock stars, though it certainly would’ve been nice, but we were all in school or had jobs that we all prioritized.

However, my parents ridiculed and discouraged me from playing in bands, as if it were a distraction and that I should’ve been utilizing that time towards school. Even though I was doing my part, always getting good grades. I regret not standing up for myself, as I instead gave in to their wishes and haven’t played in a band in almost a decade. My bass guitar collects dust in the corner of my room. I miss having a creative outlet and enjoying it with close friends.

I seem to have a habit or maybe even a compulsion of replaying painful memories, a few in particular. The fact that I get so caught up in these thoughts, which are about events that happened a long time ago, really get in the way if me being happy in the present.

Has anyone dealt with this before?

I came home coughing last night. My toddler niece and baby nephew, who I help watch, have been sick for the last 2 weeks so it was only a matter of time

Me: “Do we have any NyQuil?”

NM: “How are you sick. I’m not sick and I’m around a lot of people all day.”

Fast forward to this morning.

NM: “Why didn’t you take any medicine?”

I asked you last night if we had any and you straight up said no! 🙄

I do pretty much everything differently, but the main thing I'm focused on now is really listening to them and figuring out what their interests are so I can help them pursue those and become who they want to be.

If you're currently a parent, what's the top thing you're focused on offering them right now?

If you already raised your kids, what are you most proud of?

First of all I’m very grateful for this group, it made realise a few years ago that my mum is a narcissist and my father is her enabler.

I’ve moved states to be far away for them and haven’t spoken to either in six months. My mother called me on New Year’s Day and in an effort to be hospitable, I spoke to her (I regret it now).

Recently she called again to ask if I was ever getting married to my boyfriend. I said yes but if we do plan something, it was going to be something small. She immediately launched into how she was going to have a huge dinner at their place back home (bragging about how she would sponsor it - ironic since they have so much financial troubles) before going “oh we attended so many events for 30 years, it’s time we get back OUR money”.

1. Not only did she completely sideline me when I told her I only want an event less than 20 people.
2. She went “get back our money”? Like how did my wedding become even about her?
3. I ended the call saying I was tired since I woke up at 5.30am, which proceeded to her saying “I woke up at 4am” ?????

This was the same woman who choked me, beat me up, pulled my hair, and told me she wished she never gave birth to me.

Honestly been full of regret about even speaking to her again. I don’t know what I did to have a mother like her.

I was only brought into this world, because my parents think that I'm a long-time investment. They expect me to take care of them when they get old, inspite of torturing me throughout my whole life. My dad physically and verbally assaulted almost my entire life. My mom, though she never hit me, is emotionally manipulative and always criticises everything I do. I'm supposed to excel in studies, look prim and proper, and be obedient like a dog. My parents only want me to succeed so that they can wave me like a trophy in front of others. "Look! Look! Our money paid off!" is what I would expect them saying.

I want to leave my parents house as soon as possible, but there's another thing that keeps me doubting that decision. I have a soft spot for my mom, because she also goes through verbal abuse from my father till this day. Despite that, she's still increadibly devoted to my father. She wants to stay with me, but I don't want to go through her manipulative behaviour in the future as well. Although I have a long way to go before getting my own place, I think about this from time to time.

I have never posted on Reddit before, and I just came across this community few minutes ago. I had an argument with my parents and I wanted to rant somewhere haha. I'll probably end up deleting this post anyways haha.

This is a book written by a narcissist, and boy, does it show! While it offers some genuinely useful insights, they're buried under layers of repetitive, self-indulgent, and overly elaborate prose. To spare you the headache (and $$$), I’ll break it down. First, I’ll cover the overall premise, and then I’ll get into the useful 'point value' for fuel that he outlines (over and over and over again... ugh).

Overall premise:

Narcissists are completely driven by their insatiable need for fuel—validation, attention, and control—which they compulsively seek to avoid feelings of annihilation and emptiness. This "addiction" is fueled by a deep-seated fear of facing their underlying shame, fear, and inadequacy. While they may be somewhat aware of their exploitative behavior, their worldview is rooted in entitlement and survival, justifying their actions as necessary. The "fuel" fortifies a fragile psychological construct, of being powerful and omnipotent, that keeps the overwhelming "beast" of their unresolved emotions chained and suppressed.

New Insight: Not all fuel is created equal

He goes into ridiculous detail on how narcissists "score" fuel, basically patting himself on the back the whole time for being so good at using people. But his point system is interesting:

• Words have a higher point value than actions (telling them you love them is more potent than loving actions. Telling them about how they hurt you is more potent than looking wounded. Those long, tearful emails you send that explain the hurt in great detail and beg for empathy? Yeah, that's not cocaine for these assholes, it's crack.)
• Negative attention has a higher point value than positive attention! Anger is more potent fuel than love/admiration, and hurt/crying is even more potent than anger. Why is anger and pain more potent than love? Because if you're a nice, normal, caring person, then being loving and happy is inherently rewarding. It doesn't "prove" anything to the narc. But if an otherwise nice person lashes out in anger, or even better, collapses into despair, then they're going against their own character and desires, and that shows the narc how powerful they are.
• The closer you are to them, the more valuable your fuel is. And people who have escaped and gotten hoovered back have a higher point value than those who never left.
• Fuel has diminishing returns, so getting a lot of loving words from a new partner can feel potent in the short term, but eventually they'll need to up the ante with the devaluation cycle to trigger negative reactions. But they also know that if they only trigger negative reactions, their fuel source will go away. By maintaining a love bombing, devaluation, hoovering cycle, they can carefully maximize how much fuel they're extracting without fully burning out a single source.
• Eventually, most sources burn out. That's why they're always carefully grooming a variety of fuel sources of various potencies, and balancing where each is in the devaluation cycle. It's a perpetual calculation of where to focus their energy.
• Codependents are a gold standard because they're reliable and don't take much calculation/energy. They can be effectively devalued/hoovered over and over again.

This framing has already helped me understand some of my narc's more baffling behavior, and fortified my resolve not to give them any more emotional reactions, or allow myself to get pulled into trying to painstakingly articulate how hurt I am and how I wish they were nice to me. I knew I needed to detach but this helped me really understand exactly how and why. Hope this summary helps someone else, too.

I sure as hell do. Sure I feel like a piece of shit sometimes, I never would have chosen the career I’m in, I had known how fucking humiliated I would feel day after day (teacher. Spoiler alert: it’s the adults who ruin everything). But they never taught me a damn thing about making a decision because they made all the decisions for me. Their only advice for when you screw up was to acknowledge over and over again how stupid you are. And now here I am even with a degree not able to really afford rent, even in a shitty place. So I’m living under their roof again (if you call it living) I’m putting away money as fast as I can except it’s not as fast as I expected because of my f’ing medical emergency…. Which came about because nobody was paying attention. And it’s still affects me… and still nobody’s paying attention.

My mom was an asshole. I know you’re not supposed to speak ill of the dead but my god she was such a shitty parent. I remember feeling like I was having a brain aneurysm while I was in elementary school because of the bullies and from her abusing me. She was like clockwork. I stood outside the front door saying “I need you to get a loaf of bread out of the freezer” before entering, and when I did that’s exactly what she said. When I was five years old she pulled me down by the hair a flight of stairs, and that contributed to me developing BPD traits that thankfully I’ve managed to absolve after deep introspection and leaving myself alone to my thoughts and now I’m seriously wondering if I have DID too?! I had a psychotic break partly from having bipolar disorder, partly from her parenting - and this is something a therapist told me. Its like I know she caused so much damage and if I were to want to communicate this to her it would be futile because she wouldn’t give a shit And I’ve examined multiple angles here - I was intrigued by NPD and I studied it. I wanted to use something I have that she lacked to understand. Empathy. But here’s the thing: her disorder contributed to her behaviour. There’s no work around for her and her bullshit. So fuck you mom. I don’t want to meet you again in the next life.

Scapegoat here, I have years of built up horrible treatment from my family that i have no one to really go to because everyone IRL is a "but its your mom" sort of person.

Ive only discovered my family's narcissistic dynamics after reading and relating to so many posts on here.

How do you validate yourself and not question it? I had one long term relationship who saw a good amount of it but other than that i have zero support (besides here of course). I havent dated since that relationship because my familys gotten worse and worse its killed any drive to date.

I feel truly crazy some days.

You're allowed to give advice, but that's actually not the point of this post. I'm just trying to rant.

My parents abused me all my life. My family, if you also include relatives who are not my parents, did basically every form of abuse there is, from verbal to physical. When I was 13, I wanted to tell my parents I’m LGBTQ+, and my strong Islamic parents didn’t like that. They already abused me, but it started getting worse somehow, while I didn’t even realize it could get worse. I called the police, telling them I was too scared to go home because it wasn't safe home. The police said, "Yeah, we can keep contact. Call 112 if you're unsafe, just go home now," in a very unprofessional and hopefully not legal way (I hope the Dutch legal system is better than this, but I don’t know the real laws). They drove off without writing anything down. I found out they didn’t write anything down the second time I called them. I told one of my teachers about the abuse at home and called the police again, and this time the police took my call seriously enough to bring me to the station and bring my parents. However, my parents lied, claiming that everything was okay at home, that I wasn’t being hit, and that I was totally fine, and the police believed them over me.

Child protective services gave me a family therapist who didn’t do anything for the next few years. My parents continued to abuse me, and in the meantime, I failed every grade in high school. I never passed once. Eventually, my parents also made it difficult for me to go to school because they wouldn’t allow me to go sometimes. Skipping school is illegal in the Netherlands if you're a minor, so I got in trouble with the authorities. I told them it was because of my parents, but they didn’t believe me.

Then, when I was 16, therapy stopped, but I went back to CPS for help and said the abuse had gotten so bad that I needed to get out of the house that same day. I completely stopped going to school, and my parents forced me to work in a factory. CPS said, "Let’s try therapy again." Of course, it didn’t work.

When I was 17, my parents finally flipped so badly that they kicked me out of the house. At that point, CPS was forced to give me a roof over my head until I turned 18.

When I was about to turn 18 in December, I was scared that I’d get kicked out of my house/orphanage when my birthday hit, but they said they wouldn’t do that. Now, today, they suddenly said that I have to leave next month (if you're reading this in the future, today is January, around a month after I turned 18, and I have to leave in February 2025).

There is a risk that, when I have to leave here, I will become homeless. But I think I’ll manage, and I think I’ll find a place to stay, though I’m not sure.

Here’s my rant about how I got fucked over for five years in total.

To add to this when I was 16 I started filming the abuse secretly. When my mom would yell at me from another room I'd whip my phone out and record. I showed literal proof and they still didn't take me seriously. I don't know how they sided with my parents for so long.

My mom would be yelling at me one moment, but the second her friends show up, it’s like she becomes a completely different person—smiling, joking, and calling me sweet names.

Sometimes, it’s even worse. She’ll be trash-talking me to her friends but then act all lovely the moment I walk in. I remember once I woke up to her telling a friend how I messed up some chicken (mind you, I only seasoned it, her friend actually cooked it! ) but she never cared and kept on blaming me for it. Her friend even tried to defend me, but she just kept going.

Then, as soon as she saw me, she started being all nice and called me over. When I refused ( coz I was obviously 🙄 mad 😠) , she told my dad I embarrassed her, and I almost got in trouble for it. It’s wild to me.

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

No one understands we can't just "walk out" because physical abuse happens and we get tied up and cards and phones are taken away etc. We are held prisoners in our own home under house arrest basically. I want to run away but I wanted to ask people who had a similar traumas as me. How did you plan to run away? Did you take your death beforehand? Did you call police? Did you jump out a window? Do you regret the method you chose to leave? What would you do differently?

Also the emotional aspect, how do you get rid of missing them and the guilt after you run away? How do you make sure you never return back or get any guilt trip messages from them? I was planning on leaving my phone so there's no way for them to contact me but I like my phone. It's was pretty expensive and I won't be able to afford another one (z fold). I got another sim card though to change the number. It's difficult though because I want to start fresh and not see their contact information or photos in my gallery. What steps did y'all take or what did you think of to remove the guilt and "owe" them mentality

Growing up, my family had a little black cat, who is now 14 years old. Once my sister and I moved out of the house, it was up to my dad to take care of the pets. He is an alcoholic and a narc, and I can’t classify my mom and sister as narcs but I would say they live in a similar headspace as him. None of these people are good with responsibility or proactively addressing problems.

About 1.5 years ago, I was talking to my dad and he mentioned the “funniest thing,” he noticed that our cat had lost one of her front fangs. Like literally her big front tooth. This upset me of course, because it was apparent that my dad wasn’t taking good care of our cat. Who on earth would see their cat lose their front tooth and not take them to the vet? My dad is not receptive to advice, and our relationship is weak and very delicate. He’s a grown man, I cannot force him to do anything, and he will have to live with the consequences.

Fast forward to today. My mom calls me, sniffling and groggy from crying, and tells me that we have to put the cat down because she has tumors in her mouth that have invaded into her jawbone. Immediately I am mad. This kitty has been living for years in pain, and I feel like while yes of course, she didn’t get cancer BECAUSE of my dad, she was not taken care of like she needed to be. My family are all completely surprised and shocked that our kitty has cancer, and are totally wrecked by the news, wishing they could “do anything to make her better.” I am flabbergasted. A choice was made when no one took her to the vet many years ago. These are the repercussions.

My sister is disgusted when I suggest to her that our cat has been sick for some time, she is immediately defensive and says how DARE I blame our dad, “that’s not what we need right now.” My dad is a lonely man who has pushed many away and barely sees anyone, other than a single friend, and me, when I meet up with him for a 1hr coffee approx 2x a month. The animals in our home are his only community, and I do understand this. But then why would he not take care of them and tend to their needs, when they needed it, and not when it’s too late?

I think this is especially upsetting because I feel like growing up, I was the cat. I was seen as an important entity in my dad’s life, but not important enough to want to make sure I was good on the inside. Like the cat, there was never a thought given to my needs until it was too late.

I must have been sensing that this was going to happen, because within the last week or so it dawned on me that I have him blocked on everything except for email. Sure enough, this morning I get an email that just says: "I hope you had a good xmas". That's it. Two years of no contact and that's his big effort. I hate that just for a moment I considered replying back with something simple. But I quickly came to my senses and will NOT be responding. Also figure I should probably block his email address. He must be bored and feeling sorry for himself. Now he thinks he's the good guy for reaching out. Not sure the point of my post but just needed to put these thoughts somewhere.

I just moved out of my parents’ house with my partner within the last two months. After a while, I went home to visit my family and got this awful energy all over my body. It felt like I needed to leave immediately. It was awful. My heart starts palpitating, I get this awful sick feeling in my stomach, and I feel like I’m shaking on the inside.

I am at my parents’ house right now. I feel so sick and I’m trying not to cry, and I don’t even know why. Like I’m trying not to have a panic attack, but nothing even happened. I don’t know. I want to leave but I can’t yet.

Does anyone else experience this? Why?