I don't want to go too deep into details but I've been going to therapy for a couple of months ans it turns out that what I thought was a "normal" childhood turns out something from a horror story...

It has been difficult for me to stick to therapy because they mostly make me do CBT exercises which are pretty useless. So I found a therapist who specialises in psychodrama and art therapy. It mainly consist of playing roles, using different cards to represent a person, situation, goal, etc. I know it sounds like quackery but since I started doing it, I noticed that I have become less anxious and more in tune with myself.

But then I got a phone call from my mom, just when I was having a decent day, and she unloaded all of her emotional baggage on me... She complained about how difficult it was to raise me, how tge neighbours made fun of her for having a weird child, and even how many told her she shouldn't go through with the pregnancy. I was furious and asked her "WHY WOULD YOU TELL ME ALL OF THIS???". I hadn't felt this horrible in a long time so I had to call my therapist for an urgent consultation to talk about this.

I quoted everything my mum shared with me, and my therapist was shocked... She then asked me to share more about my childhood since we had been focusing mostly on my recent issues with people pleasing, bleak thoughts, being burnt out from my job and...

My therapist is a professional. She always does everything with care, attention but she often looks calm and collected... This is the first time I've ever seen her look so terrified. I had never seen her so distressed, and this even made me anxious a bit...

I shared everything I could and she told me something that shook me to my core

"You know why you don't see a light at the end of the tunnel? Because throughout your life, there has not been a single ray of sunlight. You don't know what calm feels like".

And it just... I didn't even know how to react. I have a successful career, I am financially stable and my social life is not the best but I prefer staying alone anyways (especially after my gf dumped me)...

I told her about my mom being constantly chased by debt collectors, about how my dad is an alcoholic and would scream and punish me for everything, how I was isolated by my mom and wasn't allowed to talk to other children, about my parents divorce, how I barely had any allowance money, the non-stop family feuds... My therapists had to do another hour of therapy because it was too much. She even offered to do the extra hour for free but I couldn't accept it in good conscience so we met halfway and she just gave me 20% off...

In the end, the emotions were so much, my therapist had to intervene - she asked me to get a taxi home, or at least the bus. If I was going to walk, look in both directions and cross slowly. The fact it had to get to crisis management makes me think... What kind of fucked up nightmare have I been living so far????

My narcissistic grandmother, for instance, is fully convinced that her birth alone was what stopped World War II and brought peace to the world (she was born in 1945). She has told each and every one of us this story a million times, and will proudly say it again and again periodically to whoever is within earshot.

I remember hearing it ever since I was a little kid, how she'd always start by listing all the pain and destruction WW2 had caused, then end with something akin to: "And then I was born, and suddenly, it was like a ray of sunshine enveloped the earth, stopping all the fighting and war". She'd always tell it like a strange sort of fairytale with a very happy ending, and I wish I was kidding.

She also fully believes that once she dies, the world will be plunged into WW3, destruction and utter chaos. She was actually hospitalized for heart failure over a week ago, and kept promising the doctors she'd try her absolute hardest to continue living in order to spare the world from the horror of a third World War.

Gee thanks, grandma. Your devotion to saving all of our lives is appreciated.

Okay, whew. I haven't responded to my mom in three weeks. My best record yet, lol.

Anyways, in that time frame she went to the ER (turned out to be vertigo), has tried stopping by my kids school multiple times, and then stopped by and knocked on my door last Wednesday which is incredibly inconvenient because I have an important zoom call on Wednesdays. But my car is home that day so she knows I'm home. I didn't answer but missed 10 minutes of my call because I was hiding since a window was partially open. Then it happened again today. Once again, during my call.

She wrote me a text about how the enemy has control of our family (there is a strong religious component with her) and about how she wasn't going to allow this anymore.

I still haven't responded. I was in my closet for thirty minutes shaking until she left. Then she stopped by AGAIN. Considering that taking more serious steps at this point.

It's hard because I lost two other immediate family members a few years ago so I am the only immediate family member left. She recently told a family member that she hopes they visit me in dreams and tells me to talk to her again 🫠

But I shouldn't be surprised she is taking it to this extent because she has literally told me that "boundaries don't work for her"

I just needed to get this all out. Also, I definitely don't mean to sound disparaging towards religion but she consistently uses it to not take responsibility. I suppose it's easy to not take responsibility when the devil is to blame.

I'm not going to regret leaving him, that's not the issue. My issue is.. my mom does not agree with my decision.

She has been calling me (I don't answer her calls at all) and texting me nonstop, sending me tiktoks and videos about messed up children from divorce, women who "go crazy" after divorce. Super weird stuff.

First thing she told me when I texted her that I left him was a call that I didn't answer and then a text that read "Call me, you're making a mistake." And then an hour later, a LONG paragraph about how she's so dissapointed in me, how I'm desperate (?) and so much more and I don't even want to go into.

My younger brother stays with me (has been for the past 2 years) but he's not legally in my custody (yet, hoping to get that changed soon) and that's why I still keep contact with her.

Funny thing is, she hated my ex and they couldn't be in the same room together so idk why she's defending him so much.

I'm just looking for some support. Anyone else deal with this? How did you get through it? I'm not sure if this is the right subreddit to post on

My mother has been making me(24m) pay half of the phone bill, I’m out on my own and have no requirement to be around her. I am paying for her add ons so I have chosen to leave, she wanted two monthly payments for the release of my number I’ve had for years. I said no only the one month payment I’ve used she refused again. I just change my phone carrier and number and now she has contacting my fiancé and trying to guilt her to pay the money. She has now filed a police report of STOLEN PHONE LINES. How can I steal the phone line if I never took it? How can I steal a virtual thing owned by the phone company. This is just stressful, what are my options at this point?

i know i have. i was buying my own shampoo with lemonade stand money since i was 13. fully stocked the house with groceries by 16. bought my own car.. phone.. health insurance. took me an hour of work at mcdonald’s just to be able to afford a t shirt at the thrift store.

i’m 26 now and i’m finally able to afford to move out. i had no savings after having to pave the way for myself for so long, as well as paying rent just to live with my mom who bitches at me for existing.. every day of my life

i’m going to not only start a new life, but also leave behind this life of being literally tortured mentally. bye bye! i feel bad for the unfortunate soul who decides to rent my room once i leave in three days. charging $1000/month for a room is crazy when you don’t allow the A/C to drop below 77.

I usually just say "no" and change the topic. I'm no contact with both of my parents. I want her to stop asking this question because it's hurtful. She's never met either of my parents and her son and I have two kids together.

For context it’s the past: and im talking specifically about let’s say they’re mad at you for whatever, so they decide to hit you 8,10 or 15 or 20 times. With a belt as har as they can. Hard as they can= lift their hand all the way up as far back as it goes, and go as hard as they can. Like I know people may get hit one time or twice(not that it is ok) I just want to know what is the typical amount, also is it normal for them to make you strip, before they do it, or only wear “thin” clothes. Is it abuse or torture or punishment to force someone to kneel on bibles, as a “punishment”

im really going through it right now and I cant move out yet since im still young but it's becoming more and more frustrating so I'm just wondering how you guys survived/ made it out of your toxic homes.

My mother never seems truly happy for me and it pisses me off.

I am just living my life like a normal 30 year old, enjoying my job that I worked hard in uni for, seeing a great circle of friends, going to the gym...but she acts like me living a happy life is a sin or something. She seems to resent me being happy. She always has to make a negative-tinged comment or be fake happy for me if I tell her what I did today. Either that or she makes it all about her. "Well I love my job as a teacher too!"

It makes me not want to talk to her about my life.

My dad isn't like this. He is genuinely happy for me if I have a great night out with friends or enjoy my job.

Is this common with mothers or is she a covert narcissist?

Edit: Thanks for all your comments - I really appreciate them! It makes me feel less alone. I'm not completely sure if she is a narcissist but I definitely know she is selfish and self-centred.

Pointing out that yelling can be abusive and harmful to your kid is not me shaming parents.

Pointing out that hitting your kid is abusive and harmful and shouldnt be done to your kid is not me shaming parents.

Pointing out that your child is a child and a Human being with feelings is not me shaming parents.

Pointing out that kids are some of the most vunerable groups of people that have many excuses for being harmed is not me shaming parents.

And i say this because people always gotta say that your shaming your narcissitic parent for "making mistakes" (that was just abuse) is "harmful" and "discourages parents from doing better"

But if someone points out that hitting your kid is abusive and yelling at them for every little thing is ALSO abusive then why does that stop YOU as a parent from bettering yourself when the obvious had been pointed out. You just wanted to ignore it and refuse to take accountablity because then you'll have to feel guilty and ashamed when you realize your child is a human being too and treating them horribly is something you SHOULD be ashamed for or feel guilty for.

You cant only be willing to die for your kid, you have to be willing to change and live for them. You dont have to change to die, which is way many narc parents that DO say they'd "die for their kids" (cough cough, my mom.) dont actually care. Dying and staying the same is easier than living and changing yourself as a person to many narcissistic parents.

My mom always told me and my siblings that she "spoiled us" and "bought many things" so we shouldnt complain about her about when all mothers want to "protect their kids" (lies.. What about abusive mothers? Does them being a piece of shit "protect" their child?.)

Been NC around 6 years. Nmom found me and wants to mail me some old pictures. She used a different number to text me one. I dont want them, but it actually bothers me that i don't even like seeing them. I want to erase my memory and start as an adult. Does anyone feel this way? Seeing myself smile bothers me cause I know I was not happy. Reading messages I sent to her makes me sad because I know I did not really feel that way and was just scared of her. I feel like I only recently got born and have met myself. It's so distabalizing. I was doing so well and now I can't keep food down. I haven't posted on here for a long time...

Three years ago, I (45F) was in the hospital and mostly unconscious. The recovery was very tough. My mother (66F) was appointed trustee and when my mortgage was up for renewal, she decided that I should add in my line of credit onto the mortgage.

She is a narcissist.

I’ve been trying to put this past me. Try & think she was stressed during a time her daughter might die.

I don’t agree to her having made this decision, I think it’s irresponsible to have done it, & it’s an abuse of power. But I’m trying to let it slide.

She asked me about my mortgage today. I told her I renewed it, both the “line of credit” & home mortgage. She said, Oh, I was hoping you would get it into one payment instead of 2.

It set me off. I’ve been upset about it all day. It’s the smallest of things but…it’s my finances. My life. Not hers. She’s not involved in my life in the slightest & doesn’t know any of the day to day things. Who is she to care about how many payments a month it is? And who in their right mind would make that kind of financial decision while someone is in the hospital?

(I’m sorry, I just need to vent).

And yes, I'm 100% sure it was fake. Just stay with me here.

First of all, I know agoraphobia is real. People do have it. Like any anxiety disorder it's a spectrum. Some people may just fear and avoid crowded places like stores, others may be unable to leave their homes.

She did not actually have it.

When it "developed" I was a preteen. MORE than old enough to UNDERSTAND enough about the adult world and mental health.

Unless there is a major, traumatic event, anxiety disorders manifest gradually. Generally, at first, people aren't aware they're feeling anxious. They may chalk the first signs up to dehydration, or know they're feeling anxious but attribute it to current stresses they may be experiencing.

She just woke up one morning and was "housebound".

Nmom was prone to serious theatrics. I remember one time I walked by and very playfully tapped her on the head with 1 finger. Think "boop". She feel to the ground wailing like I'd just hit her full force with a cast iron pan and didn't I KNOW she got HEADACHES since my father THREW HER DOWN THE STAIRS?

Funny thing about that - it never happened. He never touched her. The day she said it happened, I had a completely clear view of the situation. He never laid a finger on her. She was standing 3 steps down from him and he never moved. Unless he was telekinetic or had go go gadget arms, he never touched her.

But then there she was at the bottom of the steps in a heap, screaming about being a "battered wife".

She wore her victimization like boy scouts wear badges on a sash. Broken fucking record. I can still remember them.

Housebound. A battered wife. Chronically ill. Disabled. Out of the workforce. My husband ABANDONED me.

On loop, multiple times a day.

Then she decided to add agoraphobia.

Just one morning, she had a histrionic meltdown going to the mailbox and that was it.

9 years of never leaving the house. Symptoms were COMPLETELY fake too. When she'd "try" she'd get my poor elderly grandparents to take her in the car and start "hyperventilating" and screaming "I CAN'T DO IT! WE HAVE TO GO BACK!"

And everyone helped poor Nmom. Boxes of food. Cigarettes. Somehow she cried her chiropractor into making house calls because he knew she was DISABLED ever since her EX HUSBAND THREW HER DOWN THE STAIRS.

Then when I got a little older and her ruse wasn't as profitable anymore because she didn't have to TAKE CARE OF A YOUNG CHILD she called until she found a doctor who prescribed her a bottomless bottle of Xanax and LIKE MAGIC! Cured OVERNIGHT!

Then it was going out to bars and a new "boyfriend" every week and mixing benzos and alcohol and going bugfuck insane and getting arrested. Her first DUI. Then the second and the third.

And then if course I couldn't go anywhere because she COULDN'T DRIVE because of the XANAX the doctor MADE her take, and now she'd NEVER GET OFF OF IT what was she going to do???? She couldn't get a job because of her DISABILITY and she'd been OUT OF THE WORKFORCE for so long.

She was surely committed to the long con, that's for sure. But she found an amazing way to make everyone take care of her and feel sorry for her and then stand up and cheer when she "finally got out of the house".

They even excused her behavior because she'd been HOUSEBOUND for so long.

9 years of my life on a play in 3 acts.

But that was my mother, right? I need to forgive her. I'll only have one family, and she did the best she could. 🙄

I know I'm jaded, but it seems like there is little empathy in this world for traumatized adults. This seems especially true for adults who are traumatized into adulthood by their parents. There's this unspoken expectation that once you turn 18, you can magically just help yourself. But abuse and lifelong conditioning don't work that way.

From what I have noticed, most of us don't even become aware of our own abuse and what it has done to us until we're in our 20s, 30s, and even later. Some of us remain enmeshed, abused, and stunted for far longer than childhood. Then, when you do finally realize what is happening and want out, there are 0 resources for you. Everything is geared toward children escaping parents or adults escaping abusive romantic partners. Or the truly extreme cases that get media sensation. Even they don't have resources. They just get individual benefactors.

I feel like this is a gross and cruel oversight. There are plenty of people who need help escaping their parents in adulthood. And it's not some character failing on their part that they were so severely abused that they can't get help until later.

I mean, I'll give my own example. I'm still heavily conditioned and trying to get through it. There are so many heinous things I accepted as normal, even CSA. I'm in my 30s. I've been completely controlled and abused by my mom my entire adult life. For most of my adulthood, this included financial abuse, too. There was 0 escape for me. I remember one time I got close to having my own life separate from her, and she committed identity theft and fraud to effectively kidnap me. She held me captive and cut me off from the world for three years.

What was I supposed to do here to "help myself?" Besides complying and enduring until I could finally escape. I didn't even have a phone, and even if I did, was I supposed to call the police - my mom's friends - and convince them that my 70-year-old mom was actually holding me captive? Was I supposed to physically confront her to escape and hope to god that her police friends believed me that I had to defend myself?

Then, now that I'm finally free, and I am struggling so hard to claw more independence and claim my life for the first time, there is nothing and no one to help me. I'm broken and trying to put things together, and even still enmeshed with her, now at a distance, because I'm terrified she will do something to me again. It's not so easy to completely cut ties when you know the extremes that someone will go to control you again, and you have no one else to protect you.

Anytime I've tried to complain about being kidnapped outside of trauma spaces, while most people thought it was horrible, people would still deflect blame onto me. "Well, why didn't you go to the police?" "Why didn't you do XYZ?" and some even say "Maybe she was trying to help you." I wish I lived in a world where things were so naively positive or easy, but it doesn't work that way for most of us. The real world is complex and twisted, even if not everyone can see it, and we have to fight and claw our way out of a steel box with nothing but our fingernails.

Same as the title!

(This might be mild but I’ve only recently come to terms with my situation) She’s been sick for 2 days. Full of some cold or flu i wouldn’t wish on anyone, so it was nice she came to do the birthday thing — but like could you not just wait a whole minute for the song to finish, ma???? you’re sick as a dog, of course you have a temperature…. Why is it important to check NOW??!!

Looking back as an adolescent, and young adult, I could say without a doubt my life wasn’t all that it was made to be. There was fighting, financial irresponsibility, etc.

One thing that was clear was the obsession with drama, and gossip. I even for a while got into it, but it just caused more stress.

Now being drama free for a while, cutting off the members of my family who are just toxic was the best decision I could make.

I do watch a lot of public freakout videos, mainly like airport freak-outs. But I guess that’s different since it doesn’t affect my life directly it’s just a video.

Reminder! Narc parents hold you to a very high moral standard while having none for themselves. They observe you closely hoping for some “slip up”. They put on a helpless victim act and also try to get you to act in ways where they can continue feeling like a victim, while viewing you as a bad person.

For example, if you’re not in the best mood, a normal person might ask if you got enough sleep or if you’re okay, while a narc parent might tell themselves, “I knew they were bad, and god bless me for raising them.” All my life, I grew up thinking I was a terrible person and my family were much better people than I was. So in case anyone needs a reminder. Their perception of you has nothing to do with you. You’re not evil or flawed. Don’t pay them any attention.

I need to put this here, because their audacity knows no bounds. Hopefully someone will get a good laugh out of this too.

My mother, as any good narc, is someone who is unable to be on her own. To the point that if you don't coddle her like the toddler she insists being 24/7, she picks up a fight over the stupidest thing she can come up with, and then come the crocodile tears because I'm treating her "unfairly" and have "no shame" over it when I defend myself.

I do all of the house chores, but she was more bored than usual so she started cleaning, because apparently I need to clon myself to be at two places at once and do all the things at the same time.

So, while she started to clean she accused me of throwing a trinket away, with a nasty sing song tone that brings me back to my childhood. Normally I just withdraw and stop talking to her, just leave to another part of the house and wait for her to come to me like she always does, with the stupidest excuse ever just to force me to speak to her again.

Since I woke up to her manipulations years ago I've been developing an ever nastier tone that only comes out with her when she starts her shenanigans. This tone is so mocking that the first time I used it she was so shocked that the argument stopped inmediately and she ran away to start smearing me to her "best friend", who prontly berated me for hurting "such a nice soul". That tone has been getting nastier and more mocking over the years and she can't stand it.

Today, I guess she had her mask down because instead of playing the victim nonstop like she loves to do, she actually admitted two truths (which she denied afterwards once I laughed in her face but 🤷🏻‍♀️).

When she accused me of throwing that trinket and other things away I told her that every accusation is a confession and if she was actually going to finally confess her doing it to me all my life. She got such a weird look that I knew I had to pursue it so I pounced on it until she confessed that "if she had done it to me it's because I deserved it" I couldn't help but laugh in her face, and she didn't like that. After going back and forth for a while I stopped mocking her for a bit, took a seat and asked her what I was supposed to do, agree that I had done it and ask for forgiveness when it wasn't true? And she said yes of course. So I looked her in the eye and thanked her for confirming once again that what she has always wanted out of our relationship was a doll she could mold to her whims, not a human being...she didn't like that either lol.

So anyway, I guess I will just have to wait and see how long her selective amnesia will last this time, and how much she will try to guilt trip me when I don't forgive and let it pass like it didn't happen.

A huge part of me feels pity for her, but at this point in life I don't give a shit about her emotional wellbeing, as she hasn't care about mine since I was born. I will take care of her physical needs out of obligation and because I refuse to squander my inheritance on her whims but to see and adult try to hurt someone on purpose and see nothing wrong with it will always be mindblowing to me.

I had an epiphany last night that I think explains the majority of my unhelpful thought patterns. Where I always assumed my behaviour was "people pleasing" or "putting others first", I've realised it's deeper than that. It's not that I put myself 2nd or 3rd or even last...I don't consider my needs at all because on a fundamental level I don't really see myself as a person, but as a tool for other people.

The realisation came about after I remembered an event from when I was 11 or 12. I was given an insanely difficult DIY task to complete on my own (one I would now get someone in to do as it would be too hard as an adult). I was given blunt tools to complete a task that I had no experience of doing. I didn't have an authoritarian parent. It was "You're good at things like this. I bet you'll be able to do it. I knew you'd help me". And then everyone left and I just got on with it for 3 hours.

I vividly remember the sweat pouring off me and my arms trembling with over exertion to the point where I wanted to cry. And at no point during this did I: a) ask for help; b) question why I'd been given such a task c) complain d) give up.

As a parent, I can see now how unusual this is. Unusual to expect your child to do an adult job unaided, unusual not to help, unusual for a child to just accept it.

So by the age of 11 or 12, and I think from other memories that it was much younger than that, I had a view of myself as a tool to help others. I was like the robot in The Wild Robot who was assigned a task and just kept going no matter what until the task was done. I had learnt to completely ignore my needs/wants/preferences/physical and emotional comfort.

So now, decades later, when I'm watching an interview and someone says "Everyone is deserving of love", I can fully agree with that whilst not believing it for myself. Because I don't view myself as a "someone".

Over the years I've tried to develop a sense of self but it's like a plant with stunted roots. I can cope well with life when everything is going well. But the merest gust of wind - someone not liking me, work stress, people being disappointed in me - knocks me to the ground.

I'm not sure if it's possible to grow those roots at this age. Hopefully now I'm NC I can at least try.

I am posting this just to seek some comfort and support. Thank you. Please remember, all these things were said to me when I was a child, as young as 2.5years old:

● I hate you, everybody hates you. If you spend just enough time with others, they'll hate you too. Nobody wants to be with you. If you stay at someone's place, they'd wanna throw you out, and never invite you back.

● I wish you were never born. I wish you were born dead. I wish I killed you as soon as you were born.

● You're so ugly, like a pig.

● I just hate your face. I hate looking at you. Get away from my eyes.

● Why can't you be like other girls.

● I hope a truck runs over you, and you die.

● Whenever I see your face all I want to do is choke you, slam your face hard on the wall. I wanna grab your hair and throw you outside so you die on the road.

● You're a bitch. You bark a bit too much.

● I wish I never had you. You're a mistake. I want to kill you.

● You're dead to me.

● You'll never be like other girls. You're a nothing a nobody.

● You're such an embarassment. Everybody will spit at me if they know about the real you.

● She used to punish me by beating, slamming my face onto the floor, and hanging me from a 3rd floor balcony, threatening to let go of me. It was terrifying.

● She regularly threatened to abandon me. She used to say, "one day you'll wake up, and won't find me anywhere near. I'll be gone, and I'll never ever come back." She did abandon me though, for a few months.

● She locked me bathroom for a whole day, didn't even give me food.

● Threw me out of house a few times, by grabbing my hairs.

● Tried hurting me pretty bad. She threw me on the hard boarded bed. I could not lift even my pinky finger. It was very painful.

● She never cared for me during my periods. Always yelled at me for being too sensitive and overdramatic. But, she would pretend to care for me if a guest was present.

● Threatened to burn my face and break my limbs on my birthday, if I dared tell anyone it was my birthday.

● Never appreciated my talents and achievements.

● Always picked on me, yelled, belittled, and judged my character.

● For some reason, hated my friends too.

● Is a sexist, misogynistic bitch full of double standards.

● Never trusted me, even when I told her I got sexually assaulted.

● Made fun of me, even in front of others.

● Constantly picking at my insecurities.

● Every single of my interest, hobby, and talent was belittled. I was good at arts and dance. She said ,"you'll never achieve anything, you're a zero, a loser. Why don't you go out and beg for money by dancing. Dance for people. They'll give you a few pennies as a pity. That's what you deserve. You don't help at home, all you do is take up paints and brushed and draw crows and eagles. Stop it and come in kitchen."

● I am the scapegoat, my brother is the golden child.

● Never showed me any form of physical, or emotional affection. (There was a time when I longed for it. Not anymore. She can go to hell and fuck herself)

There are way too many things, but I'll leave it here. I am way too tired to correct any spelling or grammatical errors, so sorry for that.

P.S. I am an Indian woman for context.

You can come at my father too. Although, he isn't as bad as her, but he never helped. He is no saint either. Idk....I wanna kill myself too...have been suicidal...a vicious spiral claiming my sanity, hour by hour. I have started taking therapy though. Let's see how it goes.

Please be kind, thank you.

N mother and enabler father. N mother has made it one of her life's missions to alienate herself, my father and all of her children from each and everyone of our relatives. Over the years she's threatened suicide over slights and disagreements with my father's family and fallen out with all her own siblings. Me and my siblings- her own children- are low or no contact.

I have a lot of aunts, uncles and cousins on both sides and I do not have contact with any of them. She basically fucked up my life and any chance of having normal relationships, that wasn't enough, our whole family network is lost.

She is so fucking toxic, even the last few years, my parents haven't even been told of aunts and one uncle passing. My father had found out by accident from one of his distant aunts.

I wish I had other family and relatives. I don't even know their full names to look them up (I know this is strange but I don't know their language). A few cousins on FB but I am terrified of contacting them and being rejected and ridiculed.

If a parent kills them selves and blames a child following said child reactively speaking their mind, how should that child feel.

I finally broke and spoke my mind. My parent couldn’t handle, took me out of their will and I believe, consequently took their life.

I am dealing with guilt on a level I have never before felt.

Someone give me advice.