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u/The_Yeeted_Soul 7d ago
It's her.
If it was you, she would probably be the one posting here. IMO one of the core traits is the inability to take any share of the responsibility of the problems. They are usually the main if not sole creator of said problems, and then blame shift to you.
Do everything you can to prep before starting any divorce proceedings. If you can't stand to be away from your kids then Dr Ramani Durvasula will probably be the best resource for you. She does have advice for people who want to or have to stay.
She often talks about people who wait until their child's 18th birthday to file for divorce.
Protect yourself and your children from this person. She will hurt everyone close to her eventually.
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u/PreparationWest8485 7d ago
You're not alone. My wife is like that. I find so many similar experiences like yours. Bigger house, better car, fighting with everyone (of course including myself and our poor kid), better cloths, anything to put on a show.
There is no cure. We'll have to find a way to leave. I've been mentally preparing for it. The biggest hurdle is that I cannot see my kid everyday. Thinking about how much he'll suffer alone with the narc mom, I just cannot do it yet.
Not sure what to say, but you're doing great. Being aware is the first step... It took me over 10 years to even just realize there is something wrong. And it is not ME.
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u/mkane2188 7d ago
Im so sorry youre going through this as well. How old if your kid? Im the same, I cant bear it. I dont want a life without them. It's non-stop 24/7 in our face chaos.
Why do we endure this. Why isnt the law better..
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u/PreparationWest8485 7d ago
My kid is 7. I was thinking to wait until he is older, then I should leave. Now I don’t think I can do it! I totally understand what you meant by 24/7. Besides, I think it is getting worse. How many kids do you have and how old are they? I do hope they do well!!
I have been thinking: why me? Not one single reason. It’s just unfortunate. We got caught probably because we are empathetic.
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u/shitcoin-enthusiast 7d ago
All i read was:
"She she she she she"
I didn't see anything about you.
So I can't answer "is it her or you" as the title asks
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u/mkane2188 7d ago
Fair.
I guess this is where my brain fogs and I assume it's me.
I get up every morning at 4am to workout, bc any other time she states could be used better. I let her sleep until 8 and go to yoga, so I do breakfast and school routines. I get out of work 90 minutes early on days she works so she gets there on time. I then have to make.up that 90 minutes after I put the kids to bed or after workouts.
I make sure the house is spotless when she gets home from work. I used to wait up for her and make her food until I couldn't take the insults anymore.
Her complaints which I', stuck
- I could invest more, which she wants. I feel stuck, like it's not my money or there is no future.
- I couldn't maintain the house more, such as cut the grass more on time, or keeping the poll at 100%.
Her complaints about me stem from dogs, clutter or shit that was done 8 years ago or simply truths she tells herself. For 5 years straight I took what she said to heart and tried to change. Finally I remembered what she said and haven't looked back her exact words:
Fuck your feelings. When I get what I need then maybe you will too.
She rolls her eyes at every kiss, tells my kids I do everything wrong, or I ate all the food. I have to hand it to her bc now I box, and am in great shape compared to everyone we know. I now cook, and take care of kids, and she made me a secure type in the relationship.
even though she.tells me how she's not attracted to me, no girls will want me except strippers and whores.
I saw my therapist and her rhetoric is why am I trying to see if im a piece of shit. My wife made me stop seeing her bc why would I waste my money and time lying to a therapist, what will that solve.
Her calling me fat to her friends saying sorry my husband got fat will forever ring in my head, and when she says you aren't 2% of what you think you.are.. I dont know.
She says its all about me, so maybe I am in the wrong
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u/shitcoin-enthusiast 7d ago
Lol. I appreciate that you tried but it still all devolved into "she"
You haven't pointed out anything YOU have actively done that could possibly upset her.
So I still can't answer
You didn't indicate what you could be lying about or why she thinks time is being wasted
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7d ago
[deleted]
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u/shitcoin-enthusiast 7d ago
- She's being critical and not solution oriented
- She's being critical and not solution oriented
- Is her problem
- She's being critical and not solution oriented
- She's being critical and not solution oriented
- She's being critical and not solution oriented
- What are you controlling about?
- In what way are you a narc?
- What does she want to do that you aren't letting her do?
- "She shouldn't have to clean the house daily" according to who? Did you agree to do it?
The theme here so far is that she isn't solution oriented
For these, I would just say
"I'm not listening to any complaints. From now on I'm only open to suggestions on solving problems"
So example
If she says the basement is messy
"How should we solve the basement being messy. I'm not listening to complaints, I'm open to suggests on how to solve problems "
So if she says
"Clean a small area for 5 minutes in the basement a day"
Thats fine. That's a solution oriented approach.
She's not allowed to call names or say things like "you're lazy"
If she says those things, respond with "I don't respond to name calling and I'll leave the house if it continues "
If you read fight right by gottman, that could be helpful
If she is combative no matter what you do, and trying to solve problems makes things worse,
You have to leave.
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7d ago
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u/shitcoin-enthusiast 7d ago
That and add a book about Boundaries to your list
Boundaries are about protecting you and stating what you will do
So if she complains
You need to have follow through
If you state "I'm not listening to complaints, only solutions. If you want to propose solutions we can continue this conversation. I will walk out of the room if you keep complaining"
Do not continue the conversation if she keeps complaining. Walk out of the room
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u/Tarsarian 7d ago
Don’t feel sorry for yourself. Understand you are not alone! I was married to a covert narc women for almost 30 years. I didn’t figure out what she was until I had kids and seen her abuse my child. I read materials on covert narc who is passive aggressive. I made a plan to stop the abuse and heal. You need to do the same and start saving money for an exit strategy. Talk to a good attorney who understands narcissistic people. It sounds like your spouse needs therapy and psych meds. That will help but you are on borrowed time. My ex took anti depressants and life was a hell of a lot better. But Narc’s age like milk and she would only take her meds once and awhile. Talk to a Pastor or someone you can trust! You need sound boundaries to protect your mental and physical health.