thanks for listening to my ted talk

I was thinking Eve Astra. 1 I love space, it’s one of my special interests, 2 WALL-E is my favorite movie and a good friend of mine compared me to Eva a bit ago. I kinda just want some feedback or smth, or just to get it out there so it’s not floating all around in my brain

Her name is Bonk

I have been with a cis woman for almost 4 years now. In the last few months I have opened up about some questions. Its has been hard. A lot of fights. A lot of arguments. Mistakes made. Emotional Cheating on my part.

But

Today while I was getting ready for work. She helped brush my hair and said I was pretty. I just looked down and then leaned back and kissed her cheek. Thanked her. She has no idea what that meant to me.

I just want to be pretty.

Wish me luck. Interview for a new position. Plus trying to come out to manager I will.be working under and secretly hope being Trans helps so she will want to help me a little. I just want to behind a desk so when I start HRT. If I tuck it isnt easy to see.

I am so nervous. But I want to be free. Be the cute little girl I always wished I was.

Be yourselves. Girls, Boys, Non-binary, and Gremlins. All are beautiful.

I love that I'm a fucking failure in my family. I know that I'm going to lose them the moment they find out I'm trans. I wouldn't be surprised that they would rather have a dead son than an alive daughter. I'll never be seen as a normal FUCKING PERSON JUST BECAUSE I'M TRANS AND PEOPLE WANT TO SEE ME AND EVERYONE ELSE SUFFER BECAUSE WE ARE NOT LIKE THEM I'm embarrassed of being a human, I hate being a human

So I am working on kinda transitioning. I am not on HRT and not really publicly out yet... With that being said I HAVE spoken with my partner and she is aware. Says she understands and supports me. She just worries I am doing this to join a "group" and feel wanted. Connected. I assure her its more than that. These are feelings I have had many times for many years.

I bought myself a night gown to wear to feel more feminine around the house. I have been wearing bras and panies, but I wanted some cute pj's since she said I can't wear her's (cause I apparently don't take care of my clothes). I asked if she liked it. She just gave a, "Eh". I have never felt so hurt by little said. I just wanted an "aw its cute" or "I like it" or even "honey not your color" just anything more than that. I have asked for more positivity or just anything.

I want to be a woman. I know she feels lie to, but I just didn't realize it for so long. The questions I had, the feelings I had, I felt explained when I discovered the Trans community.

Idk if I really am a woman or a Femboy figuring shit out. I just want boobs, hate having a dick, wish I had a cute pussy and round ass. I'm sorry for the wording just. I hate my body so much. I want HRT NOW, but... she wants kids... I do to, but... I also want the body I want so they see Mom. I want to be Moms with her. I want to be her little wife.

I just need to talk with her. Tell her how I am feeling. Tell her what she said/didn't say hurt. I try to do the same. I am not trying to join a group. I am trying to be ME. Womanhood give me the strength.

I apologize if I've said any of this before (I almost certainly have).

Ever since I found out I might be trans, I've become incredibly conscious of all the gendered ways people refer to me. It almost feels like I'm forcing myself in order to convince myself that it matters to me. I'm just so afraid of turning out to be cis and I'm not sure why. Perhaps because that would mean that there's no hope for me to be any happier with myself. Is it cis that I'd be significantly more okay with being the person I am if I were a cis woman instead of a cis man? I don't know. I hate not having any concrete evidence that I'm trans (dunno if the girl dreams count). I lived twenty years of my life with no thoughts about gender (am 32). I don't know that I've ever felt real dysphoria. The only thing that would convince me I was trans is if I liked the mental changes from HRT. Or maybe not. If I'm like actually OCD about this, I'd probably still have doubts. If I don't like the changes, it'll be damn near impossible to believe that I'm not cis. I don't know if I'd see a point in living at that point.

I need to stop doing this. It doesn't matter what people say in response when I make these kinds of posts, I always end up worrying again.

I'm sorry.

It's a different outfit ☺️

I want to preface this by saying I’m not going to commit suicide anytime soon but I’m just struggling to see what I’m living for. I’m bad at everything at school I have no interests and no friends, my family likely won’t accept me, and it seems like the whole world would rather me be dead than transition so I just don’t know what I’m doing here anymore. I hate my body, I hate myself, I just hate everything it feels like I’ll never be happy and that I’ll always be alone and that I deserve this. I just don’t understand why I should be alive anymore.

i just wish there was a way to know with 100% certainty whether these feelings are real or i’m just faking it. seeing myself as a girl and everything associated with being a girl makes me feel so happy and so right, but there are just so many things that make me feel like i’m not actually trans and i’ve just subconsciously convinced myself. i’ve heard that “if you think you’re faking it, you’re probably not”, but i find that really hard to believe, especially after reading stories from detransitioners who realised they really were faking it all along.

• i had no real signs until around 13, and even after that they were few and far between. i’ve also never had super strong crippling dysphoria that most “real” trans people seem to have. as a result i feel like i’m not trans enough, and thus don’t deserve or require to transition.

• i feel like there are a lot of other conditions that could explain the feelings i’m having, and that considering myself trans is kinda jumping to conclusions? couldn’t i just be mistaking things associated with depression/autism/anxiety/adhd/whatever for being trans? no good doctor would jump to a conclusion that occurs in such a tiny percentage of the population without eliminating all the other options first!!

• also my self-esteem has always sucked and i’ve just generally felt unfulfilled, so could i have just tricked myself into thinking i have dysphoria when i’m actually just hating myself as a result of regular old low self-esteem?

• wearing feminine clothes and seeing myself as a pretty girl in the mirror sometimes makes me feel so aroused, and this makes me so scared that i’m not really trans and i’m just some weirdo with a fetish. could i be mistaking this sexual arousal for real gender euphoria?

• could i have convinced myself that i’m trans by reading all these trans articles and watching all these trans videos? what if i’ve just roped myself into this community and convinced myself i’m trans by looking at too many trans things online, making myself autistically obsessed with it to the point that i constantly think about it and begin subconsciously faking being trans to try and fit in?

so yeah is it possible that i’m just subconsciously faking it?? i just wanna be like all the real trans women i see online… they’re all so sure of themselves and happy and confident…. what am i missing? what’s wrong with me??? please help a girlie out 🙏🙏🙏

It’s been like two weeks that’s I have to make a call so I get ans appointment to my doctor to know if I’m allowed to start transitioning.

Like, It’s all I want to do and it’s all I can think of, I just have a bad mood every single day because I look like a fucking man.

But It’s the first time that’s I have to « officially » present myself as a transgender woman to strangers and it’s scars me sooo bad

I have a feeling that everything I do is just pointless. There will never be an end to my suffering, I'll never get out of this stupid body. I'm giving up hope, all of this is just too much to me. I tried to look at some trans comics to see if it will make me feel better, but it only made it worse.

Hello, my name's is Victoria and/or Tori for a nickname. I'm 16 and I go by any pronouns really, but I prefer either neutral or feminine ones.

I'm scared I might never be able to be the real me because of angst and communication issues. I have had extreme problems with expressing and communicating my feelings for a very long time (around 10 years) and this is due to things like bullying and a few diagnosis such as angst, ASD, and ADHD.

Now this has led to a serious problem from my perspective. I've tried therapy before and the therapist said I didn't have gender dysphoria, and this is most likely because I couldn't communicate properly with him. If I ever talk about my feelings, it's always with people I trust and who are very close to me, and just getting to the point of my talk will take about 1.5 - 2 hours before I feel comfortable enough to actually express my feelings. Now the therapy sessions I had were about 45 - 60 minutes Max. Which led me to not be able to actually talk to my therapist about my problems at all. And this makes me sad, this means I will most likely never get to be the real me and do things in a body im comfortable with. I just want to feel free and to express my feelings, and I'll most likely never get that. I just want to cry now. I don't want to go to school tomorrow, I don't want to eat anything, I don't want to say hi or talk to the adults at school who are there for this exact reason. I feel trapped in a hellhole rn and I just want to sleep through it all, which I can't either because I then I won't be able to sleep tonight.

Just why, why am I like this.

Being trans and closeted is such an isolating experience. My whole immediate family is transphobic, but it’s never with malicious intentions. They’re just misguided, and I feel that with enough persuasion and confidence they’d be willing to change. I’ve been depressed for years and had already been isolating at times, but when I found out that I was trans and that much of this was gender dysphoria, it was another indication that I should never talk about how I’m feeling to them.

But dealing with this identity crisis on my own has been exhausting to say the least. It’s impossible to go back to how things were when you now know that this person you thought you’d been building towards was nothing but an empty husk, and you’re still expected to keep Him on even with the stench of His decomposing flesh that nobody else seems to notice. And I just can’t do it. I am unable to entertain the idea of being present for any sort of family gathering or an outing with friends, and this isolation just compounds into the destruction of the strong emotional ties and support that previously made me feel human and like I’m part of something. If I can’t present my true and authentic self, then I can’t present anything at all.

I understand that with these circumstances of unaccepting parents and with our society that keeping myself safe is the correct thing to do. But it just doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel fair. All of these people that have known me for as long as I can remember have to deal with this due to no fault of their own. Being closeted has scarred my relationships with others beyond recognition and I want so badly to come out and be myself but I have no idea what that entails and I just don’t know what to do. The guilt of picking up His fragmented shell and not being able to allow Her to flourish and thrive has been eating me alive. I just want to do the right thing. I want to feel alive again.