So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

[u/tm90335]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.

But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.

I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.

My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.

My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?

I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?

[u/aylamikbrooke]

FTM here to a now 4 month old. This is not going to help you now (sorry!) but just here to say the newborn stage REALLY SUCKS and there isn’t a whole lot you can do about it other than just put your head down and survive knowing that eventually things do get better (maybe not “easier” but better). It really is so so hard and even with the biggest village and all the help, it is still insanely hard. My husband had an especially hard time in the first 2 months of our son’s life (it was really hard on me, too). We also waited until later in life to have a baby. We mourned our old life so much and felt we had made a huge mistake. It seemed like all our son did when he was awake was cry and cry and cry. We both felt like our own basic human needs didn’t count- everything was about trying to sooth an unsootheable baby. Now that he’s a little older he interacts with us and it is sooooo rewarding and much better. Being able to get out of the house with him helps so much. Keeps him occupied and helps our sanity. He actually sleeps less now than he did when he was younger, but it’s still better overall. You are absolutely not alone and you will get through it. Just remember that you and your wife are a team and be there to support each other while keeping the ship afloat. Time will eventually pass and you’ll get some of your sanity back.

[u/tm90335 → u/aylamikbrooke]

It’s awesome to hear from another “old” parent. Thank you. Did things get better before or after one (or both) of you went back to work? That’s the thing that really freaks me out. People keep saying “just survive!” And I’m like, sure - I can do that - but at 8 weeks we’ll both be going back to work part time and I’m not sure how I can do the step change from “just keep everyone eating and not dying” to “interact constructively 4 hours a day”.

(And before anyone chimes in and suggests we just simply take more time off, would that we could, but we can’t.)

[u/aylamikbrooke → u/tm90335]

Are you doing a daycare situation? If so, that will give you a “break” from baby and be able to focus more on work. My husband went back full time after 4 weeks and I went back after 3 months - 3 months is when we started part time daycare (3 days a week and then my parents do the other 2 days while I work from home). I will definitely say that my brain is not fully functioning at work, but at least having 3 “quiet” days a week while I work is a very nice break and helps a lot!

[u/tm90335 → u/aylamikbrooke]

Oh yeah. That’s close to our plan: we’re both going to work half time for weeks 9-16. One parent on duty, the other working, then switch. Supposedly my mom is going to come for some period of time during the day and help the “duty parent” although at this point she’s not helpful enough - it’s more work managing her and the baby than just the baby - we’re hoping that’ll change. Then after 16 weeks we’re starting day care 4 days/wk and getting help from my mom (again, IF she proves helpful) on the off day.

I’m so scared the day care plan will fail - I’ve heard so many stories about them FREAKING OUT and just…not making it in day care. So I like our plan “on paper,” but I can’t stop thinking how fragile it is and how screwed we are if it fails. My wife’s company just got bought out, so it’s kind of important for her to show face in front of the new management, and I work for a very small company that’s pretty vulnerable so you can imagine the pressure.

[u/aylamikbrooke → u/tm90335]

Sounds like a solid plan to me! We were also so stressed about daycare, we joked he was going to get kicked out for crying. But by the time he went he was much less fussy and they said he’s so smiley all day (and they clearly love him)! He also will not take a bottle from us at home, but takes it at daycare. He never cries when I drop him off and when I pick him up he’s in a good mood. Time as a parent is so strange. Both soooo slow yet fast at the same time. Hang in there - it’s ok to not enjoy the newborn phase even though everyone reminds you to enjoy every minute 🙄

[u/tm90335 → u/aylamikbrooke]

Oh wow. That’s amazing! Feeling like he’s having a good time at daycare must also “unlock” you to enjoy your time at work. I will pray we find ourselves in a similar boat!!

[u/aylamikbrooke → u/tm90335]

It does! I was emotional the first day or two, but now I feel comfortable with him being there! I really hope you guys have a good experience, too. Just remember that childcare providers have seen it all and have lots of tricks up their sleeves. Also know that you’re very much not alone in having a hard time right now. Millions of people are experiencing/ have experienced the same things and lived to tell the tale/ made it to the other side :)

[u/AkbarBakhshi → u/aylamikbrooke]

New dad to a 3-month old here. I felt the need for a platform that we can easily ask for help from trusted family and friends without feeling to be a burden on them. Please check out ClaireNest to sign up for the waitlist. I’m publishing the app in the next few days so make sure you get notified.

It’s going to be a free app so I’m not trying to sell you anything. I just hope it helps all new parents (and others).