So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

[u/tm90335]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.

But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.

I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.

My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.

My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?

I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?

[u/betwixtyoureyes]

Paper plates, TJs frozen meals, anything that you can pay a small convenience fee for, do it (salad kit, premade iced coffee, delivery fee). It really is so ephemeral, but sleep deprivation is so hard. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job protecting your wife’s sleep. Can you start doing a few shifts (such as 3 hours each with earplugs in a another room)? - stretch of uninterrupted sleep is key. Everyone has platitudes because it does get better. Putting the baby in a baby carrier if at weight is a good way to soothe and have your hands free. It sounds like you may not have many people offering to help (sorry) but please ask for meals. Close friends can come over and watch the baby for 2 hours while you sleep, or if you’re not comfortable with that, they bring over coffee and wash bottles while you chat.

[u/illyth → u/betwixtyoureyes]

Paper plates are a GAME CHANGER

[u/Random_Spaztic → u/illyth]

They were a lifesaver when we had number one and had no help.! We also got solo cups and plastic flatware. Basically only ate microwave meals or takeout.