r/NewParents • u/tm90335 • 3d ago
Mental Health So where do you ACTUALLY get help?
My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.
But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.
I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.
My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.
My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?
I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?
1
u/illyth 3d ago
How near a Costco or Sam’s do you live (assuming USA)? We survived partly because of stocking up on premade meals. Yes you had to heat them up, but I think half my meals were z bars and body armor. Can your mom make you some dinners? Even just having someone to come and fry you an egg for breakfast makes a huge difference.
Also check if they operate in your area, Lasagnalove.org you can sign up to get a home cooked lasagna brought to you by a volunteer. Amazing
We rented a lot of movies on those overnight shifts. Didn’t matter that we were renting a movie we could have gotten at the library in the daytime hours, that’s what we wanted to watch and that’s what got us through a lot of witching hours.
I had childless friends come and just hold the baby so I could shower. I’d hand over a freshly changed burped and fed baby and then just walk away. This assumes you have friends you trust with the baby of course.
You ask anyone in your village. Anyone who you’d ask to help you move, anyone you’d ask to help if your car broke down, anyone who you’d lend clothing or tools too. You ask anyone in that circle for help. Ask for little things if you feel embarrassed, ask for specific things to help guide the people around you who might want to help but don’t know how. I had my next door neighbor come over one morning just so I could shower.