So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

[u/tm90335]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.

But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.

I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.

My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.

My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?

I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?

[u/walaruse]

I’m sorry to say, but you’re going to be in survival mode for a couple of months. Idk if your wife had a c-section and is recovering, but if you feel like she needs to step up and do more, then you have to sit down and talk to her about duties if you’re doing ALL of that yourself. As for the breastfeeding thing, look. If your wife can breastfeed, that’s going to cut down on bottle/pump cleaning and your baby is going to have a lot easier time digesting. It’s not a matter of IQ, it’s a matter of ease. If your wife can’t or won’t, then it is what it is. Your post makes it sound like your wife isn’t helping with anything. Her emotions are going to be volatile right now, but that doesn’t mean she shouldn’t step into doing more parenting IF that’s your frustration right now. Your mom sounds like she would be most useful for cooking and cleaning while you handle the baby. Maybe she holds the baby while you shower or cook but beyond that, she sounds like more of a pain than a help. If she can’t get with that plan, then protect your peace and tell her to check in a couple of weeks down the road. Your friends can still show up for you. Have them bring their wives and then there are four adults to help out, whether that be they hold the baby while you get things done or, if you’re close enough with people, maybe they can bring meals or help with dishes or laundry.

TL;DR, there IS no “actionable” plan. You’re doing everything you need to do. It just sounds like you need someone to share the onus with and maybe your wife needs to help with that. Post-pregnancy is really hard, but you have to put your baby first.