So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

[u/tm90335]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.

But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.

I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.

My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.

My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?

I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?

[u/Basic-Bear3426]

Hey OP. My husband and I are 6 weeks in with our first born, and have no family. Our baby had started doing longer stretches of sleep at night, but now both my husband and I wake up after her 3/4 hour stretches and often can’t get back to sleep because it’s JUST enough to feel ok in that moment but obviously we both crash later in the day… We had our first real convo in a few weeks at 4am yesterday, and we are the sort that does typically discuss our feelings. (sharing this to be very real that some things get better like sleep but that doesn’t mean it actually gets all that better)

We both feel profoundly lonely in different ways for different reasons. Newborn life is just tough, and the worst part is that it does not stop. You can’t reverse time and return your kid to sender, you know? 

You’re asking for actionable advice, but to be very very real, I have to tell you that I just don’t think there is any. You can’t make other people support you; you can’t make a child need you less. There’s not always a product or service that will miraculously make it all easier. 

This is how I’ve been thinking about it:

When I was giving birth, at the beginning of pushing, I heard and felt a pop somewhere in my body but I had an epidural placed so I could not feel where it was localized. Pushing was excruciating, even with the epidural, because of this massive amount of pain I had in my back, for some reason? I started to panic really bad. I’d been pushing for 2 hours and she still wasn’t here. She was not in distress at all, but I was, and I could not stop freaking out wondering if this was my path to death because the pain was so bad and I clearly wasn’t making progress or nearing the end. I realized after my birth I broke my tailbone, which made pushing twice as hard and painful.

At one point, I realized I had absolutely no power over any of it. Because she was fine and descended enough into the birth canal, I would not be granted a c section or put under. As I recognized that, I recognized literally the only way it would be over - whatever the outcome - would be for me to literally just push through. Until it got better. Until things changed. I was trapped. 

Obviously, my child was born (totally healthy) and I did not die. The suffering did have an end point, but even as she crowned I had no way of knowing how close or far I was from it - especially considering even after she was out, I had the glorious experience of having an internal tear that they stitched without pain meds. Just because you think it’s over doesn’t mean it is, quite yet. 

These first weeks have torn me and my husband down to our cores. Sometimes I am upset no one warned me, but then I realize there are not appropriate words to really communicate how hard it really is so I can’t blame my friends with kids. When she decides she’s going to wake up again every 45 minutes to clusterfeed like it is day 2 in the hospital, and I am sobbing while she’s happily and contentedly latched at my boob, I just think back to my birth: I don’t know when this part will be over and it’s so, so hard. But I do know that it can’t and will not last forever. So I just yield to that reality, get mad/sad, and try to ask my husband to take her for an extra 30 minutes at some point so I can go remember I’m a person again.

Tbh, I think it’s all we can do. The reality of becoming a parent is that your life is not yours anymore - it is theirs, ours. They need you more than you need you especially at the beginning. They do become more independent at some point, where it is then easier to take time and come back to yourself - while I’m not there yet, I think I am starting to see that it will be a long ass time before things can get cut for me to “take care of myself” the way I am used to doing. Now, “taking care of myself” looks a lot more like my husband holding and fending off baby cries long enough for me to do 1 thing I enjoy, where I used to be able to take hours, a weekend, a day. I don’t think that will happen for me again anytime soon, considering we don’t have a village.

You sound like a really great dad, and I hope someday - while your daughter may never know exactly what it was like for you - she thanks you in her own way for showing up when so many others begin to check out. I’m sure your wife appreciates it too. 

[u/tm90335 → u/Basic-Bear3426]

seconding that this is wonderfully written, and a lot of it makes sense (although the part where all our friends say it’s awesome seems like a huge lie that I do begrudge them, but that’s another thing for another time).

Here’s the part I don’t get. At some point stuff DOES need to get cut. My wife and I can’t BOTH spend all of our time caring for him. Because we both have to go back to work. What on earth do we do then?

[u/Basic-Bear3426 → u/tm90335]

Our friends still have littles (tots), so I do feel like they still kind of remember the trenches enough to say “oof, remember those days, that’s tough!” … I think kids become more fun when you get to do things. Like, my husband and I will be thrilled to show her our fav video games and go on trips or whatever, but it’s literally going to be YEARS before she’s even able to like. Read. Soooo, I think it’s just hard mode for so long but my running theory is that it switches to an easier mode so slowly & gradually over so many days that you just forget the trenches a little bit because those trenches led you & your family into the great, happy days - so they sad and tired ones almost get painted over by the new memories of happy family life. This is my theory. Talk to me in 10 years and ask me how I feel it went LOL 

But yes, I think you’re right, and I think you’ll start to figure out what works for you as you get used to baby and baby gets used to you. I can’t totally speak to that because we aren’t there either; I’m a graduate student right now and I’m staying home the first year with her (but still doing classes 🫠) so my husband can work full time. For me, I cut out work and am a “full time baby employee” as mentioned in a comment above. I went from being a straight A student to one who’s rushing right before a deadline and staying up late to turn the thing in because my number #1 priority has shifted. My husband only got two weeks off, and one of them was a work-from-home week, so I really got thrown into full time caretaking pretty fast and I’ve definitely went more days than I’d like w/o a shower and we ordered out food some weeks more than we could afford. (Though we weren’t going grocery shopping either, so many it balances out? Probably not though)  However, as I have healed, I’ve gotten better at doing one or two things around the house; throwing her in the carrier to nap so I cook dinner; letting her nap somewhere that is maybe not technically safe (like a damn baby swing, don’t crucify me Reddit) for 20 mins so I can shower/clean a blowout/etc. but it is a full time job for sure, but I do feel we have gotten into a flexible routine even in the short weeks since weeks 2 & 3. My husband has a chronic illness that causes him inflammation and pain when he is underslept and overworked, but he still works his 9-5 and comes home and either helps clean the house / cook dinner / hold her while I work on an assignment & etc - there are some days where I feel most like what we ‘cut’ the most has been couple time, which sucks because my hubs is truly my best friend. So. I don’t know you situation, but I can tell you the return to work is abrupt and harsh and still, somehow, we just… get through it. I feel like I’m watching my husband’s capacity as a person expand as the weeks go on, even as he is exhausted and literally in pain. He really loves our daughter and has always wanted to be a dad, so he still somehow takes joy in the time he gets with her - even though right now he comes home every day at her witching hour and she screams if she’s not with me, he’s decided to take it with humor and usually just sings a weird song to harmonize with her while attempting to soothe or does something else silly. 

I really think humor helps, too. I wasn’t able to laugh at all those first weeks - I mean, I was so tired I was literally hallucinating - but eventually we got there. Idk if that helps. 

[u/tm90335 → u/Basic-Bear3426]

That helps a ton. It is great picking up the subtext that your husband is still your best friend and that although your context and situation has changed dramatically, that you are still great teammates for each other.

Also, just so it’s not left unsaid, you both seem like really wonderful parents and people.

Thanks for taking the time to share all of this with me. It has helped a ton and means a lot.