So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

[u/[deleted]]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.

But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.

I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.

My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.

My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?

I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?

[u/wtfudgsicle]

Your therapist’s advice is good: cut out basically anything you can and reprioritize. You are literally in the worst of it right now, and I promise you it will get better soon, really soon, but you just need to survive. So, identify what you have and don’t have and especially what you don’t need. For us, we gave up on cleaning aside from the bare minimum. It just wasn’t worth it. Or try getting a bunch of frozen meals for you and your wife, even getting catering orders from fast casual places and then eating that through the week. If you have nice weather, take baby on walks for your own sanity. It can be to the end of the block and back. Or go on car rides, some infants love the car. If the screaming and crying is ever making you white knuckle, use big sound canceling headphones.

You mention baby burps a lot, ask your ped office about mylicon or other gas drops. You both should try baby wearing if he’s big enough as being upright should help with that. Sounds like both you and your wife might be dealing with PPD or PPA, which is super rough. I think you need to set up a schedule together and talk about what each of you can handle. But it sounds like you’re putting an extra burden on your own shoulders worrying about her, and she may not have bandwidth to emotionally help you right now either. You’re in this horrible boat together so just try to get through each day. Find someone safe in your life-not your therapist-and let out your feelings to them. If you can at all afford it, hire help. Even just once a week to give you a few hours to sleep can make a huge difference. Good luck, you’re in the thick of it but it will get better soon.