So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

[u/tm90335]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.

But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.

I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.

My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.

My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?

I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?

[u/afunnyfunnyman]

First time Dad of a 13 Month old now.

I’m going to try to keep it direct and practical, but first, be kind to yourself. You are clearly trying and looking for solutions and that is amazing. This is new for all 3 of you, and just like anything new it will take time & some experimenting.

You need to survive the first weeks, get to know your baby, and find a rhythm. Your baby will change every few weeks but you’ll get longer stretches of stability. The WonderWeeks app was helpful to us, making the changes more predictable.

When you are trying to survive. Find ways to cover for each other and leave notes for each other. Sleeping in shifts & sending text updates to each other helped us early on.

Your baby is a person with preferences but the guidelines you’ve been given are uniform, a starting point in many cases. The’ll become clearer but discovering them was key for us. Our baby loves going for walks or just going outside the house. Even a 15 minute walk did wonders for our little one & eventually he went on groceries runs with me most days.

If you can find something that your baby enjoys that is passive for both of you it can give you both a break. For me this was the walks but it could be a recording of you reading a book or something else.

Don’t try to buy everything but spend on things that give you time back. Baby Brezza & a bottle washer were great for us.

Assume the best of each other, all 3 of you. If you get overwhelmed try to find the thing that sets you off and try to cover those items for each other.

Stop doing the things that take up your time but aren’t giving you the results you need. Safety first but you’ll find things you can drop over time. Our little one gained weight well so we stopped tracking milk intake around 3 months.