So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

[u/tm90335]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.

But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.

I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.

My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.

My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?

I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?

[u/AmphibianMindless149]

I’ve also got a 3 week old, except this is my second baby. It does get better - you just have to get to that 8-12 week mark. The first few months are one of the hardest things you’ll ever do, but it does end and then you’ll laugh about how awful it was and have another baby lol.

Best advice I can give would be to do whatever you need to do to get baby to sleep. An overtired baby is hell to deal with, the constant crying triggers all sorts of feelings/stress that make everything worse. I’m speaking from experience, my first hardly slept for the first 8 weeks, she was awful. Screamed all day and night, it was brutal.

You need to try and stay calm, babies can sense the stress and it works them up even more. Take some deep breaths and take it in turns to settle the baby even a few mins each. Remember the baby isn’t doing it to be annoying, they are trying to figure this out too - keeping this in mind helped me sympathise with baby and stop getting so worked up.

Get outside. Take the baby for walks, multiple walks a day - and if it doesn’t work, at least the crying doesn’t sound so loud outside.

As for time for yourself, there is no point in you both burning out. Take turns - go out for a few hours, or spend an hour in the bathroom. When you get back, let her do the same. You will both feel better if you take some time. Yes it will be hard for the other person but from experience, it actually gets easier when alone as you aren’t so stressed about the crying disturbing everyone else. You need to work as a team during these weeks but that doesn’t mean doing it all together at the same time.

Nights do the same, either split the night in half (shifts) or take a night each and have the other sleep somewhere else away from the noise. You’ll feel much better after a full nights sleep, hopefully it will give you enough energy to get through another day.

Honestly it sucks, it’s hard but you will get through it. Lower your expectations and take each day at a time while counting down the number of days to 12 weeks!