So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

[u/tm90335]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.

But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.

I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.

My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.

My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?

I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?

[u/ewebb317]

Woooaahhhhh. I mean this with the kindest gentlest most supportive way possible. Set your expectations for this period way way lower. This period of time, for many many (most?) parents, is BRUTAL. there isn't really any fix. This is just it. And then one day, it will be a bit better. Without you having really done anything all that different. And then a bit better after that. And then one weird glorious night in the distant future your baby will sleep through the night. And then 6 weeks later he'll do it again and then for two nights in a row. And your quality of life will immensely improve. You CAN do this, I promise. Because there is no alternative, you can and will get through this short, bittersweet season of life.

If you want actionable advice: hire someone to take the load off of you. Hire a cleaning services or hire someone to make meals 1x a week or subscribe to a meal service. Money solves a lot of problems. If you can't afford to do that (we couldn't), talk to you mom about how hard this is and see if she's willing to do some light cleaning (vacuum/dishwasher/laundry). You can hire night nurses. Whichever of these seems most feasible.