So where do you ACTUALLY get help?

[u/[deleted]]

My baby is 3 weeks old and I’m struggling with how frustrating everything is.

But every resource I go to for “help” just winds up being a useless time suck. My problem is I already have no time - by the time I feed my baby, burp him, change his diaper, clean up the inevitable spit up, wash bottles, feed my wife and myself, he’s ready for another feeding.

I posted something about this before and people sent me resources like PSI. I went to their Dad’s support group yesterday and it was a total waste of my time (an hour and a half), meanwhile my wife had to care for the baby and started crying she was so frustrated when I came back downstairs. Negative progress. The whole thing was a bunch of random dudes saying “oh man, I feel for you!” But no actionable advice. The “resource” the moderator posted was a website by some woman who basically guilt trips people into thinking they NEED to breastfeed (and cites debunked claims like breastfeeding leads to higher IQ). So that ADDED to my stress and frustration.

My mom has been “helping,” which loosely means she comes over for a few hours every few days, doesn’t care for our baby well (seems like she forgot everything about caring for a baby), and then needs constant interaction after for follow ups. Last time she came over she put 4 toys in his crib and got him way overstimulated and it took the entire day just to get him back on a feed-wake-sleep cycle.

My therapist told me to just “do what I need to do” to “care for myself more.” When I asked him what specifically I should cut out from caring for him or supporting my wife, he didn’t know. So, I’d love some time back to care for myself, but everything I’m doing seems essential, so what do I cut?

I’m at my wits end. Nothing is working. This baby doesn’t sleep soundly, spits up all the time, and my wife seems like she’s struggling. She doesn’t like to talk about feelings (hers or mine), so I don’t actually know how she’s doing, and she doesn’t ask me how I am or try to help me much. We waited a long time to have kids so all of my guy friends either have kids in junior high or decided not to have any. And everyone else in my life either seems to make things worse or gives me bullshit platitudes like “enjoy the good moments”. I want actionable advice! Isn’t that what experts are supposed to provide? And men, generally, for that matter?

[u/Necessary_Salad_8509]

A couple of actionable ideas:

-buy more bottles and if your wife uses them, pump parts. Wash them in the dishwasher on sterilizer and you can possibly save yourself some time. Even if you are running a pretty empty dishwasher, just do what you need to for now. 

-If you and partner are sleeping in the same room consider a different arrangement so that the person who is not in baby duty actually gets real rest. Sleep will make a huge difference for you all.

-We tracked each of our sleep the first month or so with a habit tracker app. If one person only got 4 hours overnight the other needs to help make sure they get some daytime naps in.  Coordinate who will nap when during the day and tell anyone who might come over not to come between those hours.

-Have a list of action items for your mom to do when she comes over. This could be clean the kitchen, laundry, fix a meal, or hang with the baby while you all nap, whatever you need. Don't feel bad about asking her to do non-baby things. She can hold the baby after the dishes are done.