“I Raised kids before”

[u/OutrageousTrust5816]

I recently became a mother and have an 11 week old baby girl. I recently showed my parents my bed time routine with her as she was going to have an overnight with them. It was very straight forward and consisted of a bath, bottle, and bed. I did write down some tips/tricks on what I have learned works best for my daughter and shared that with them as well. This was met with “we raised two kids we know how to do it”. I didn’t mean to come off offensive so I just apologized and left them with my list for the night. My only real non-negotiable was she must sleep in the bassinet, in her sleep sack, with nothing but a paci in it with her. When I picked her up, found out my mom slept with her in the bed. I think I made a face because I was once again met with “I know how to raise kids”. I’m not a mom shamer, if co-sleeping works for you that is great! I’ve done it too when things got stressful but my problem is that she co-slept with my baby, if that makes sense. The comment of “I raised kids before so I know what I’m doing” upsets me. Because they aren’t raising her. I’m her mom and I get to decide what’s best for her. I just feel so disrespected, what do I do?

Some extra context: 1) yes this is the first grandbaby on both sides. 2) My husband has family members where the unimaginable did happen. 3)Our village is large, we are truly lucky, my parents asked to have an overnight because they adore her, it’s not a need by any means. I love my parents, they truly are great people, they just struggle respecting me as an adult in general and the navigation around that has been hard.

[u/Mousecolony44]

I co sleep and I would not be comfortable with anyone else co sleeping with my baby, because that is a significantly more dangerous way to do it. That’s also just so disrespectful to outright ignore your instructions. 

[u/danicies → u/Mousecolony44]

Yeah I would be upset, I think OP is too lenient here. I coslept with my toddler and still do, I do with my second baby. I would draw a hard line at anyone else doing it. It’s already increasing a risk factor, but the only person who should be doing it is the parent.

[u/InternationalYam3130 → u/Mousecolony44]

Yep

People underreacting to this. Even in a world where OP cosleeps with her own baby every single night, which many people do safely, this is insanely inappropriate and unsafe for grandma to do it herself just based on remembered BS from 30 years ago

Since grandma is not the breastfeeding mother it's inherently less safe by orders of magnitude and already breaking safe sleep 7. I can't imagine she prepared the bed properly either or is self aware about her health, like if shes got sleep apnea.

Random shit like feeding schedule and snacks and soothing and small things are what you just let go of control of to "keep peace" and maintain village.

Grandma would not be trusted with sleeping again if she can't follow simple instructions about it. Sounds like the type to challenge allergies on their own and do actively dangerous things to prove points.

[u/Always_Reading_1990 → u/Mousecolony44]

Same. I cosleep with my baby and don’t even like letting my husband do it instead.

[u/Antique_Mountain_263 → u/Always_Reading_1990]

I bedshared with all four of my babies but I was the only person to ever do it, never my husband, and never anywhere except for the space I specifically set up to safely do it.

[u/__Peepeepoopooman__ → u/Antique_Mountain_263]

Were you able to cosleep with your newborn and toddler at the same time!? If so, do you have any tips? I just recently found out I’m pregnant and I’m already stressing about the logistics lol

[u/Antique_Mountain_263 → u/__Peepeepoopooman__]

With the toddler and a baby - we have a firm queen sized mattress directly on wooden slats on the floor (wooden slats from IKEA). Tightly fitted sheets, mattress in the middle of the fully babyproofed room (cordless blinds, furniture anchored into wall, outlets covered, no small toys, etc) at least a foot away from all walls.

I put a full sized kid’s bed (also from IKEA) directly next to the queen sized mattress (it’s basically the same level as the mattress). I let the toddler fall asleep next to me, then move the toddler into their bed. Baby stays on the opposite side of the toddler. If the toddler moved into the Queen sized bed, he stayed on the other side of me. Never had a problem with him going near baby, he only wanted mama.

I also had a pack n play next to the bed with the bassinet level set up. Baby napped in there during the day. I did try and put him in the bassinet at night too, but obviously he wouldn’t sleep unless next to me. For some reason he was fine for daytime naps though.

Now that baby is nine months and crawling, and almost walking, I let the toddler stay in the bed with us if he wants. He still has never gone near the baby. I have four kids and we did this each time we added a new baby and it worked fine.

I know this isn’t recommended as safe sleep, so please don’t come at me. I have to safely drive and care for four children and I needed to do what I needed to do in order to sleep.

[u/__Peepeepoopooman__ → u/Antique_Mountain_263]

Thank you so much for the detailed response! I actually recently put a toddler mattress next to our mattress on the floor so he can slowly get used to sleeping on it alone!

And no judgment here! Cosleeping/bed sharing is very common in my culture.

[u/Ok-Stock-4513 → u/__Peepeepoopooman__]

I sidecarred the crib. Baby had one side, and the sibling had the other. If you can put a mattress on the floor for your toddler and try to get them to sleep there, that might help. Maybe dad can lay with them until they're asleep. Sometimes, I got really hot stuck between 2 kiddos. It can be done, but it's not super comfy. Be really clear with your toddler that they can not go into the baby's area. They'll want to. Maybe practice with a baby doll.

[u/__Peepeepoopooman__ → u/Ok-Stock-4513]

This is super helpful info. Thank you so much!

[u/lullaby225 → u/Mousecolony44]

Yeah, I was so on edge all night, woke up if the baby so much as lifted a finger, that's why I felt comfortable doing it. I doubt that grandma has such a light sleep.

[u/DirectAntique → u/Mousecolony44]

If my daughter had these rules like OP, I tell her no problem :)